A toxic inner critic can often trap our clients in painful patterns of shame, or sometimes leave them frozen in fear.
But according to Rick Hanson, PhD, the inner critic can also serve an important function.
So how can we help clients counteract a harsh inner critic in order to experience healing and growth?
In this short video, Rick shares a useful way of reframing the role of the inner critic for clients, and why it can sometimes be necessary to veer from some of the most common approaches for working with it.
Take a look—it’s about 4 minutes.
How do you help clients break free from a harsh inner critic?
Please leave a comment below.
I love Rick’s comparison of climbing instructors. I’ve been trained by both harsh and encouraging ballet masters and have used their differences to transform my own inner critic. With clients, I work on identifying the critic’s punitive messages and helping them practice what the messages would sound and feel like if they were delivered by a loving and firm inner guide.
My Approach is very similar. Sometimes clients don’t know what a nurturing self is. So we need to work on understanding what nurturing is. I find this especially true when clients have higher ACE’s scores.
I find this concept interesting and exciting. Recently I realized I don’t have a single inner credit, I have a platoon of them. They consist of all the people who knew something was wrong or actually saw me being abused and did nothing. They were the silent complicit witnesses to the abuse I endured. Their silence and complicity made the abuse so much worse.
Perhaps using this concept of a caring committee I can reconfigure that platoon into my small army of support.
Yes, I consider this as frequently happening in my own family, but not to myself. There is very little involvement from the members who takes distance or run from the responsibility. I am sorry to hear it happens in yours. This is when having close and supportive people with you ease this pain. I wish you the best in the future.
Basically, while in adults tend to rely on their own (subjective) experiences to interpret mentally what they learn from the world, in younger children it is mostly a reading of the cues and non-verbal that is important. The infants’ social-cognitive skills become more flexible and more reliable in between the period from 12 to 18 months of age (H. Moll & M. Tomasello; Developmental Science 7:1 (2004), pp F1–F9 )
When teaching clients about their inner critic I tell them that their inner critic was necessary when they were children to warn them not to do certain things in case they might get into trouble by a parent or teacher or friend, so that they would self regulate in order to “belong” and therefore prevent losing important “attachments”.
However, like anything we practice, the inner critic can become and habit (mostly on an unconscious basis) and does not trust us to make decisions based on our learned experiences over time. It is often the negative voice we hear first and because the brain perceives a “threat”, we believe the inner critic and often react quickly to prevent the threat.
However, one thing is for sure. The inner critic cannot be argued with because it has an endless litany of excuses and rationalisations why its warnings are true. So, I teach my clients about cognitive distortions and to recognise when the inner critic is distorting reality. (For example: mind reading, catastrophising, all or nothing thinking, disqualifying the positive, etc.) Without having to argue with the critic endlessly, all they need to know is that the critic’s warnings are illogical and irrational. This helps to form a block over time, whereby the critic’s voice is silenced and the clients rational mind takes over on a conscious level, giving them time to think about possibilities and choices.
I also try to get them to see that the critic was necessary when we were children, but as adolescents and adults, we can learn to trust our own judgments because we can discern whether our thoughts contain errors or are logical and rational.
Unfortunately, critics and distortions is a crippling disease. We tends to be harder on ourselves for having flaws; where continuing to think it is possible to overcome the obstacle by doing an increment of 10mins a day of meditation, if a blind person can learn to play music well, then why can’t we .
My apology for the spelling and grammar – using my troublesome keyboard
I suggest people try to view themselves as they would their own child or another child they like, who is vulnerable and in need of support, and to take the position of being a good parent or guardian. Just as we’d encourage the child eat to eat healthy food BEFORE cake. When cake is ALL they (we) want to eat. Learn how to be that nurturing encourager to themselves (our Self.) and they make the good (or better) choice say, “Good Job.” Or curtain beating up the self to 2 minutes vs. a day 🙂
Voice dialogue works really well.
Hi, I have taken new responsibility recently, and felt that my trainer has been very disdainful to the point of being unable to give me any feedback on my first month of work. I have been very irritated by their yarning and turning away without giving me some attention nor attention. Workplace is where judgment and negative thoughts occur often. It is often hard to find ways to cope with. May be this is here a place to cool down. Very grateful for the videos . Thank you.
Hello, I’m telling him the experience I had when I was driving school 30 years ago. I had an instructor who did not have the patience to explain, expecting me to know how to drive from the first second, which was false. He had an arrogant attitude and he was ironizing me whenever I was asking something. He put me at risk telling me I was on the street with priority and it did not matter if the other did not slow down, if we were buffering him, he would have been to blame. I turned to another instructor who actually guided me, gave me landmarks and encouraged me to continue, was patient and detailed what I needed to learn. The other sat at a table on the terrace of a bar and commented there. With the first I did 10 sessions, with the second I did 3 sessions and I took the exam. The client has also gone through such learning situations, perhaps at school, and he understands that the calm voice that he cares about comes to him. Then I explain that the first instructor was centered on criticism and devaluation, which made me unable to remember much, the second was centered on my evolution, my development was in the state in which I was getting, my brain could record everything, not he was still stressed, in fight or fleight.
I agree. His patience can be reflected in the tone of voice of the instructor. It can take more years to work on this patience. Could it be that your instructor felt at that time that his responsibility was challenged by your being a new learner ?
It makes it more clear to clients and to me to use the “Inner Abuser” versus the Inner Critic. I think it’s important to see how the abuse of others has become turned inward into abusive voices towards ourselves. I tell clients to “return to sender” the internalized abuse messages others gave them or to blow them up etc. The need for lots of practice to defeat the malignant malware is often overlooked. Clients respond to analogies of toxic thinking as being like a computer virus, or being programmed like cult members. Our work is de-programming and deleting what they never deserved or asked for. Children are quick learners of these techniques! I really like Rick Hanson’s references to inner guides and caring committees. Thanks so much.
Lisa, this is very interesting and I can think of a client that can be helpful. Thz .
This is great. Thank you for sharing.
I find this approach quite helpful and a good use of neuroplasticity. I like the approach of growing the inner nurturer and guide while working to diminish the power of the inner critic. As I tell my clients and students (and myself!), because of the way early programming works, these early harsh thoughts may never leave this body/mind. So the key is how I handle them when they arise. Rick’s approach is wise and helpful. Thank you!
Wow. Many good ideas I explored myself to disempower my own inner critic instilled by a cruel adoptive mother. Her voice was fully in charge of my anxiety and terror out-screaming my compassionate self. Imagine the concept of revealing who my cruel mother really was. In searching for my birth parents, I found a family tree with my adoptive mother at its head. When I contacted the tree owner, I learned her dad had a brief relationship with my adoptive mom that produced a little boy. The tree owner had a plethora of contemporaneous documents and events revealing the psychopathology of my adoptive mother’s family and her in particular. After studying this evidence closely, I recalled my adoptive mother actually revealed some of these events as I was growing up. So does my older brother. Within a few days, my inner critic disappeared and has not returned at all. As a mature adult, I was freed by the incontrovertible evidence that my cruel adoptive mother was psychotic and had turned her lifelong rage on me in early childhood. Sometimes the truth is more compelling than the strategies used to modify behavior.
Yes having ‘the truth’ rise to consciousness is incredibly cathartic. I can relate.
I love the idea of the inner Caring Committee.
I think so too that it is important to have many angels within ourselves to guide us while attending to where we stand in the here and now. My mentor who passed away recently left me the gift of life by telling me directly that he will by my side at anytime. A very tickling reminder and It always make me sadly smile but still feeling cheerful.
Help them to focus on their strengths by discussing how they have overcome different challenges. Help them to reframe their negative comments of self etc.
For a long time I have used the example from Greek mythology. The Furies are spirits that pursue wrongdoers, especially murderers, taunting them and trying to drive them to destruction. However, if suitable remorse and restoration is offered in recompense for the wrong, the Furies are transformed into the Eumenides (the kindly ones), who guide the person along a better path.
I encourage clients to develop self-compassion, to love themselves despite and including their flaws and mistakes, understanding that none of us is perfect and we all have problems. Putting the oxygen mask on and nurturing oneself in all dimensions, intellectual, emotional, physical, social, and spiritual can lead to self-love. Helping them combat the automatic negative thoughts of inner criticism, learn to forgive themselves and challenge and reframe the inner critic to be more constructive seems to be helpful, also.
As an art and journal therapist I have clients build up their Nurturing Parent within and their Protective Parent (boundary setter), then we meet the Critical Parent who is a character assassin. That’s how I define it. It is the worst of Inner Critics. With art we have fun by drawing, painting or sculpting a Critical Parent Mask.. The Angry CHIld sasses back and lets off steam that has accumulated over the years of being brow-beaten by the Critical Parent. In other words, we play with it. Make a drama out of it, a performance piece, if you will. Afterward we journal with it. The Critic gets it’s say with the dominant hand. The Brat gets to sass back with the non dominant hand. Then we make a list of critical sentences on the left side of the page and counter this with “Truth Telling” statements about each sentence. It’s fun, cathartic and connects the thinking brain with the feeling brain. I intrigued this latter activity in my draw-it-yourself coloring book, Hello, This is Your Body Talking.
I see the inner critic as in the IFS system and it’s something /someone to negotiate with. Psychodramatically the Clnt plays both roles and other protectors and supports and in that way the Clnt can differentiate the role parts…and when they are speaking.. now who and why they have ‘come forward’. As therapist each voice is interviewed. The Clnt can reframe the critics words..or negotiate.
Thank you, Dr. Buczynski and others. Great work
I’ve had some success with having clients visualize their inner child (usually about age 7-8 tho occasionally younger) that they speak to lovingly. First I ask them to ‘see’ their child, how they’re dressed and other specifics, then ask if they can see what the child needs at that moment. Then I will ask them to say nurturing sentences to the child such as ” I love listening to you…I love giving you attention” and to then take note of the child’s reactions to the loving sentences. Some folks have a very strong positive reaction and others begin crying and abreacting in session bc they have never had their child hear such safe mirroring sentiments. Clients who do best with the exercise are naturally ones who are willing and competent at visualizations.
Very helpful video. I like the analogy of the climbing coaches and it is similar to one I use when asking clients to choose which kind of teacher they think would be best for a child. We can send them to a school where the teachers push with hard critical punishing statements, putting the child down when there are mistakes, or choose a school where the teachers nurture, support and encourage the child, giving constructive feedback. Most client’s laugh and choose the later. I also use Compassion Focussed Therapy and chair work to increase awareness of how it feels being criticised and how this impacts on future behaviour and motivations. Helping client’s to recognise that the intention of the critic may be to motivate but ultimately it is not helpful and engaging with the compassionate self can be a more helpful alternative. We then look in more detail at the critical thought and find the alternative more balanced compassionate perspective. Asking what they would say to the person in the empty chair or another person, can encourage finding the alternative perspective. I also encourage client’s to recognise that thoughts are not facts and we use CBT techniques to find the more compassionate alternative thoughts and how this would then change feelings and behaviour.
It is so true that it is difficult to disempower the harsh inner critic. I love the idea of building a caring committee…I would rally love to hear more about this. I fear some of my clients wouldn’t feel that they could identify anyone…even the fun kind If characters that Rick refers to
I use the process called DNMS to assist in managing the inner critic. Interesting that there is a “healing Circle” within that process that directly relates to Rick’s description of encouraging rather than criticizing.
Dr. Claire Morrissey
Good suggestions. I love the caring committee. When it becomes clear that a client has a conflict between everyday self and a hypercritical sub-personality, I like to do Parts Therapy in light trance. I ask the client to enter the role of the critic fully, to speak from that point of view, and refer to the everyday self in the third person. I want to learn what the positive intention is and how this personality sees it playing out. No assumptions in the questions. Clean. The I invite the conscious self to speak and explain how this has a non-beneficial effect. Back and forth until they agree on a new set of tasks that satisfy the requirements of each. Not only do people have a caring set of characters, who usually need encouagement, but also a few would-be caring characters if only they could join the rest and if they knew how. Their intentions are almost always positive at the core, but working badly for the whole person.
Very clear and concise explanation. I found the mountain guide idea very helpful.
I like the idea of a caring committee although I have some concerns with someone with DID who has large committee to consult to reach any decisions.
Perhaps working parties for specific tasks could help.
It is good to help the critic to understand how a more compassionate approach can be more efficient in enabling change. I see how hard this is for people who have experienced only harsh criticism as a child rather than encouragement. It is a challenge to realise that the critic is working to help. By acknowledging this and looking at a different approach it can lessen the toxicity and facilitate more growth and kindness.
So useful to have these sessions. Thankyou so much
I use IFS with my own inner critic and if it’s being harsh I tell him/it/her that I understand he’s trying to be helpful but it’s a bit too harsh and that it’s not helpful to be spoken to so harshly and that he’s actually hurting me/other parts. It feels better and at the same time, hopefully, is teaching it (i.e. me) how to speak to me.
The difference is really encapsulated in the distinction between malignant superego and ego ideal
I help them notice when and in what circumstances their criticizing energies tend to appear.
I encourage them to notice that they are usually in some kind of compromised state: exhausted, stressed, pushing themselves beyond old limits, with family members who restimulate old shame, etc.
I lthink it’s useful to have them externalize these voices– through drawing, writing, verbalizing, or role playing– to get them out where they can be seen and are not so damaging. Working with groups helps people normalize these energies and witness each others’ harshness to themselves. And then we work with the parts, the needs of the parts (NVC meets IFS), and have them mediate between these parts (from Self) and see what their system is wanting, how they might better strategize to get its seemingly contradictory needs met, and then to start to reorganize around meeting needs in more effective, self-compassionate ways. I am a coach, specializing in the path of the creative client.
I use excerpts from the 12-step program that I use quite frequently with my different clients the thing to get into is what is really the underlying factor that is causing this harshness and go into it from there we look at fear we look at overbearingness we look at the big I or me person the manifestations of self consciousness and we don’t point it everything we look at it and just let the client come around too pretty soon he said you know I think that’s me I think that’s me and I Came Upon This one time in an awful big hurry harshness is also found in bullyism
The first step is to get clients aware of the inner critic. Then I’ll have them Gestalt it with 3 vantage points: topdog, underdog and observer.
Charles Horowitz, Ph.D., Boulder, CO
Always approach by being extremely positive in all interactions by challenging any topic of conversation with love and truth . Hoping to plant a seed for growth in the relationship of honor and respect.
Very very useful thank you. Often I use CBT and we look at the ‘evidence’ for the critical judgment, or disconfirming evidence. But this relies on people being able to think rationally, which is clearly not the case when they are sunk in self loathing. So I will give the Inner Coach a try – and to link it with inner compassion tools I use as well.
Like the mountain climbing analogy. Start to feel the Warmth!
Very good video. I like the idea of the committee lessening the power of the inner critic, diluting it! If we figure out that critic moved in in childhood (harsh parenting) I ask the client if they know children of like age and then to consider how it would have affected that child. This is to counteract our difficulty in imagining our childhood self. This seems to help them release the shame imposed upon the……they can see the inappropriateness of labels they have been carrying.
Love this!
Really vibe on how the recognition of guiding versus ctriticizing or non constructive feedback is explained. This is so true within ourselves when taking that inner part in hand and working toward recovery. I also find it applicable to the helping alliance beyond self inner critic work. There is so much more acceptance with what is happening in the here and now when the relationship takes focus on guiding through the present reality in place of fixating around missed expectations of the past or future.
This was really good, thank you. I like the idea of the caring committee and having different characters in mind that represent different parts. Also, the hard critic really does inhibit performance even though it’s intent is to assist. This has a lot of features of IFS, but I could see using Rick’s intervention easily even if I parts-work had not been formally introduced or covered. It’s so intuitive. Thank you!