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Tara Brach, PhD, and How to Work with Chronic Self-Judgement

25 Comments

What would you say to a client who feels as if they’ve wasted years of their life trapped in a cycle of harsh self-judgement?

You see, feeling like you’re “never enough” is very common. According to Tara Brach, PhD, this sense of inadequacy leads to some of the most pervasive suffering in our culture.

In the video below, she’ll share some specific questions that may help clients soften their inner critic and quiet chronic self-judgement. Have a listen.

 

 

Click here for full transcript
Dr. Brach: A lot of people feel that, and especially when they’ve been judging themselves chronically, they feel like, “Boy, I’ve just spent the last decades at war with myself,” and, “Where was I?” When someone’s feeling this, it’s really helpful to let them know they’re not alone, that u the feelings of “not enough” and “something’s wrong with me” are probably the most pervasive suffering in our culture. I often like people to talk to each other because when people are sharing in groups and they get it that this is just what a lot of us are doing, it actually helps to loosen the grip on feeling down on themselves for feeling down on themselves. That’s one piece, and also to know that when we feel we have wasted our years, that’s adding another judgment. If we want a new future, it starts right in this moment, not adding yet another judgment. I often talk about this image offered by Joseph Campbell of a circle of awareness, and he describes awareness as a big circle with a line going through it, and everything that’s below the line is outside of our awareness, whatever’s above the line is in awareness. The whole spiritual path and a path of healing is to bring into awareness what’s been pushed under. So, one of the biggest things that’s under the line is just how chronic the judging is, and when we begin to notice it, that’s when we have an opportunity to actually choose compassion. I use inquiry in those moments, I say when you noticed that you’re caught in judging, you might ask yourself, “What does it mean in this moment to be kind?” If you just ask yourself right now, what does it mean in this moment to be kind, just the increase in invitation to soften a little. Then you might ask yourself, “Well, who am I when I’m holding this life with care?” And you get a sense of a much bigger, deeper, more tender beingness. I can say for myself that I also looked at a lot of my past as just caught in that trance of unworthiness, and one of my most cherished parts of my meditation each morning, Ruth, is I’ll say in some prayerful way, “Please be kind.” Just the words “please be kind”, or sometimes, I’ll put it this way, I’ll just say, “Please teach me about kindness,” so I’m available to keep learning about how to be more kind. The upshot of that question is whatever we’ve done in the past, we can start fresh this moment, but it takes a commitment to come above the line and choose compassion.

 

Do you have clients who are hard on themselves for being self-critical? It’s a vicious cycle.

How might you use these techniques in your practice? Please leave a comment below and let us know.

If you found this helpful, here are a few more resources you might be interested in:

How to Reframe a Client’s Relationship with an Inner Critic

A Compassion-Focused Approach to Self-Critical, Negative Thoughts

An Exercise to Decrease Negative Self-Talk

 

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Related Posts: Compassion, Mindfulness, Perfectionism, Shame

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25 Comments

  1. Kevin Waters, Other, Riverside, East Providence, RI, USA says

    Having Followed Tara, / Jack Kornfield, and Others, I was As Tara Would Say “Trapped In The Trance Of Un-Worthyness” For a Very Long While, Untill at The Suggestion Of Someone Close, I Started To Invesagate / Listen to People Like Tara, Jack, Peter Levine, and Others Who Began to Help me see a Different Pathway….. An Educated Therapist was a Great Plus ! I still Find Myself In That Situation Occasionly, But Borrowed From Tara, and Jack I Stop to Take A “Pause” Which for Me is One Of The Keys That Unlocks This “Trance” !! Thank You

    Reply
  2. Pamela Roebuck, Another Field, Steilacoom, WA, USA says

    Tara, your words are so powerful and helpful. I believe everyone experiences these feelings from time to time. Practicing self compassion and in your words, “radical acceptance” are critical to our well being. More and more, I am able to be the witness to my own emotions and to be able to reset a more positive mindset. I am grateful for every reminder to be more mindful and compassionate both for myself and others. Thank you

    Reply
  3. Roebuck, Another Field, Steilacoom, WA, USA says

    Tara, your words are so powerful and helpful. I believe everyone experiences these feelings from time to time. Practicing self compassion and in your words, “radical acceptance” are critical to our well being. More and more, I am able to be the witness to my own emotions and to be able to reset a more positive mindset. I am grateful for every reminder to be more mindful and compassionate both for myself and others. Thank you

    Reply
  4. Carroll Wolf, Stress Management, Milwaukee, WI, USA says

    Thank you! This is very helpful to me.
    Self-judgment is one of the common mental problems that people have a hard time dealing with and it can depress them all their lives. That’s why I really think we need to pay enough attention to this problem.

    Reply
  5. L T, Other, Gaithersburg, MD, USA says

    Very helpful video. Thank you.

    Reply
  6. Paul Francis, Psychotherapy, Indio, CA, USA says

    A listing of well controlled studies of the effects of the machines she demonstrated WOULD BE HELPFUL.

    Reply
    • Slick Chik, Marriage/Family Therapy, CA, USA says

      What do you mean? This video has nothing to do with her demonstrating any machines?

      Reply
  7. Anana Moose, Another Field, New York, NY, USA says

    One aspect of being chronically assailed by an inner critic is that it sets up the conditions for me to experience harm on the outside – in relationships with people, places, things. Who is being harmed? – namely the child, whose desperate attempts to process traumatic experiences in the past were most likely the root cause of the “inner critic”. So I observe, with the help of others, how I may be creating conditions in my daily life where the needs of this inner child are resisted, ignored, or dismissed. It may seem that others are doing it to me, but in reality they would not be doing it do me, if I weren’t already doing it to myself. So I am breaking the cycle, when, for example, I might set a boundary with a person or situation which I intuitively experience as being harmful. Of course, our perceptions may be incorrect, but developing discernment and confidence in our capacity to be in touch with emotions that arise in response to circumstances of daily life can be a helpful part of reclaiming ourselves from the onslaught of the inner critic.

    Reply
  8. Tanja V, Other, ES says

    Thank you Tara. A few minutes that remind me of what I need to do. Be kind to oneself, difficult if kindness is something you have not learnt as a child. My child is now my source, my motivation for learning and teaching myself. Thank you!

    Reply
  9. Deb Wing says

    Thank you Tara?

    Reply
  10. Christina Dereymaeker, Nursing, GB says

    Thank you for clarity Tara and reminder. I recognise myself living this behaviour since childhood. I exciled myself to another country where nobody knew me, thinking it would never happen again, only to experience the same phenomenon walking along with me and not realising this never left me. I behaved like a child covering their eyes so that the bad things are no longer there. but take your hands away and it stares you in the face…..no escape possible until one finds the courage to deal with it. I’m so afraid of being rejected again and again that I keep running from myself. The social rejection by classmates, parents and teachers was so big as experience that until now I’m still on the run from myself. It’s time for a rest and no longer to feel ashamed of who I am.

    Reply
  11. Liz Bsiley, Psychotherapy, GB says

    Thank you Tara for delivering a subject which is probably applicable to all !
    I find Your style authentic , soft and , yes, KIND ??
    Thank you

    Reply
  12. Marie Rose, Counseling, KE says

    Many people who have suffered trauma are trapped in that cycle of regret and self judgement. This hinders their healing. I have learnt something about the new future i.e starting afresh.

    Reply
  13. Anonymous, AU says

    Thank you for the snippet. It is a hard lesson to be kind to ourselves and speak positive affirmations to change the way we think about ourselves. The more we practice kindness toward others it rubs off on ones self. Thank you again for your message.

    Reply
  14. angela rudden, CA says

    Thank you for that. I sometimes wonder if you’re listening as I teach my viola students, who are so full of judgement that it paralyzes them. I’m working on the be kind idea while teaching, but it’s hard with teenagers to get them to think beyond “those wrong notes”…

    Reply
  15. E L says

    Thank you for this nugget of wisdom!

    Reply
  16. Kitty Cotter, Other, Provincetown , MA, USA says

    Love even these snippets of understanding.. Wish I could listen to everyone of these lectures. Great job.

    Reply
  17. Dora Cumpian, Counseling, Eagle Pass, TX, USA says

    Thanks for sharing the insight, it is always nice to hear her calming, relaxing and wise voice.

    Reply
  18. Nicole Urd, Psychotherapy, Buffalo , NY, USA says

    Great reminder, thank you.

    I often talk to my patients about the Buddha’s second arrow. The first arrow is the actual problem, whatever that may be. It could be the habit of self downing. The second arrow is putting oneself down for the self-criticism, self-judgment, or self-denigration.

    I also tell people about the five defaults of the brain. These are where the brain goes in most people when at rest, not busy with a task. They are:
    Is there a danger?
    How am I doing in comparison to other people around me?
    Am I physically OK and safe right this minute?
    What’s wrong with me right now?
    What can I criticize in others?
    Once people see that these tendencies are innate and originated as a way to keep ourselves protected and safe, they have a tendency to stop pathologizing about them.

    Reply
    • angela rudden, CA says

      Very helpful! Thanks.

      Reply
      • L T, Other, Gaithersburg, MD, USA says

        I very much agree. Thank you.

        Reply
    • Catherine Graham, Another Field, Boulder Creek, CA, USA says

      Thanks for sharing, Nicole. Really very helpful.

      Reply
    • Dee Surname, Another Field, AU says

      This is so interesting. I’m not a therapist, just an interested lay person. Where might I look to find out more about what you call these 5 defaults of the brain, where the brain goes when most people are at rest? Unfortunately google isn’t giving me the answer.

      Reply
  19. hannah sherebrin, Psychotherapy, CA says

    I truly connected to Tara’s words of Please be kind. And to ask myself anew every time what does it mean in this moment to be kind. A feww days ago I had to go with a friend to let her hospitalized son in a psychiatric unit that she was diagnosed with Cancer. It was only this notion of being kind to myself that helped me to be king to him and to huis mother. Tha kindness spread, and I saw how soft and kind he became towards her, and towards himself as well. Please continue spreading self care messages. It is most important to us, the therapissts, and to our patients,clients, and the world.

    Reply
  20. Kate Potter, Psychology, GB says

    I find the compassion focused intervention of asking ‘is this helpful or is this harmful’ a wonderful way to increase awareness and set the intention of being kind to ourselves.

    Reply

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