When the Fear of Rejection Leads to Appeasing Patterns

When a client fears rejection, their ability to set boundaries can become severely compromised.

Instead of voicing their own needs and desires, they may go out of their way to please others in an attempt to be accepted.

So in the video below, Ron Siegel, PsyD shares an example of one client whose fear of rejection created an appeasement pattern that was damaging his marriage. Ron walks us through the intervention he used to help the client escape this pattern and establish healthy boundaries.

Have a look.

Click here for full transcript

“So in my own work as a therapist, I’ve often used, to try to help people with this, find a realm in which a client is pretty good at not being afraid of rejection or acting as though they’re not afraid of rejection, and basically taking a stance, delivering some information that’s going to be hard for the other person, and then see can they adapt that into another realm.I’ll give you a clinical example. So there’s a fellow I’ve worked with for quite some time. I think I may have mentioned him in other contexts. And he co-evolved a dance with his wife in which she would be very frequently critical of him, and he would try to do everything he could to please her and would not speak of his own feeling response that he’d have in response to her being critical. And this went on for some time. And as these patterns do, it just deepened, and became really quite a caricature of itself. And then he would start lying to her to avoid disappointing her. And that doesn’t work well in relationships, because then on top of that she had the justifiable criticism that you’re a liar, because he was lying.Now the same fellow happens to be a very effective teacher. And I know that because I’ve known him for some time. And when he’s working in a classroom, and he trains other teachers, and a kid is misbehaving, not doing their homework, whatnot, he’s right there with it. I mean, he’s good as a teacher. It’s not like we’re going to give you a zero. It’s like, well, this isn’t acceptable to pass. What could we work out so that you could do the work, learn the material, so you could get so you could pass. So he’s very effective with this kind of thing. And he’s not at all afraid of disappointing the kid, disappointing the kid’s parents, because he has a sense of being driven by values.So I found it very helpful with him to identify what is it that allows him to do it in that context, and to embody, to go back to Kelly’s thing, the posture, if you will, of the good teacher who is not harsh but is clear, and then to extrapolate and bring that into the new arena. And that’s been somewhat helpful as a way to do it. So I think that is one way that we can work with this problem when it arises.”

So drawing from strengths they already possess is just one way you might help a client reestablish boundaries and work through a fear of rejection.

If you found this video helpful, you can hear more about working with clients who are desperately afraid of being rejected from Ron and other top experts (like Peter Levine, PhD; Pat Ogden, PhD; Stephen Porges, PhD; Shelly Harrell, PhD; Terry Real, PhD; and more).

Now we’d like to hear from you. Do you have clients who fear rejection? What other strategies have you found helpful? Please let us know in the comments below.

If you found this helpful, here are a few more resources you might be interested in:

Challenging the Fear of Abandonment, with Pat Ogden, PhD

What’s Happening in the Nervous System of Patients Who “Please and Appease” (or Fawn) in Response to Trauma? With Stephen Porges, PhD

How Trauma Affects Relationships

4 Comments

Agata Nowicka, Psychotherapy, IE says

I am left with the phrase “he has a sense of being driven by values” I find that if the client can really connect with the WHY it’s worth and important to take a risk and respond differently it often helps them take that risk.

Another strategy I use is to get the client to remember a situation of rejection and to see how they not only survived it but even coped quite well with it – the logic is: if you’ve survived it once maybe there is not so much to fear. I find it empowers my clients and helps them assert themselves.

- Mal P, Another Field, IN says
  
  that’s helpful!
  
Marcy, Marriage/Family Therapy, WA, USA says

Just saw this in office yesterday. Could literally see in the face of the partner while thinking of strategies for intervention. Emotions are so close to the surface with some people and it is an ongoing rebalancing almost daily for some. We set up ground rules to help with their fears as they arise as a solution. So far it worked yesterday and there is hope it will continue but these resolutions wax and wane when there a history of poor habitual reactions. Tears and frown or rolling eyes were obvious triggers but their learning how to handle them is imperative to maintain positive, effective resolutions. It is a slow process so thank for the words of aide for these types of issues. Looking forward to a stabilization within the nervous system as hopefully hope improves in our society as that IS affecting the healing process.

Barbara Petsel, Counseling, Plano, TX, USA says

I have found it helpful for my past clients (I am now retired) and for myself if I change the situation to how would I want my adult kids to respond to a person or situation such as this- — I want them to self-advocate and if I change the context to me setting an example for them, I can better assert myself and set better boundaries. This seems to help many of my clients who were not used to self-advocacy but could advocate for others.

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