When a client fears abandonment, they may desperately reach out for emotional connection in their relationships . . .
. . . only to feel pain and heartbreak when their behavior overwhelms the other person and drives them away.
And this can especially be the case when it comes to romantic relationships.
Over time, this push-pull dynamic can drain both the client and their partner, and the relationship may break down.
So in the video below, Pat Ogden, PhD shares how she worked with a client who feared abandonment and whose relationship was in jeopardy. She also gets into the body-based homework assignment he could use whenever his partner felt he was too “clingy.” Have a listen.
He said that he knows he’s clingy. He said he was clingy as a child, and he was teased a lot by kids, so he got very clingy with his mother. He didn’t feel safe with the other children and was afraid to go on play dates as a child. He knew all this. He said that his parents just told him, “Oh, don’t be so silly. You’ll have fun. Just go on the play date,” and his feelings were never really acknowledged.
So, what we explored then was the clinging action. He chose a pillow from my office to grasp, to hold on to and cling to, and that gesture of holding on was very comfortable for him. Pierre Janet used to say, “You always want to find out which movements are familiar and easy for clients, and which movements are unfamiliar and not easy.” Of course, that was just the beginning, to feel how easy that was, and it felt good to him just to hold on. Then, we experimented with letting go, because it was necessary for him to learn that action of letting go. That letting go, a kind of yield or not holding on is one of five basic actions. It was painful for him as he even thought about letting go. He got frightened, and those memories became more vivid. Again, the pain of his parents minimizing his fear in early childhood came up. So, you feel like there’s a theme through all the sessions — we have to access the part that holds the fear, find out what that part needs, and help provide it. That way, he and I together could work with that part of him that had been teased and bullied by the other children, and acknowledge that those feelings are normal. “Anybody would feel that way, so of course you would feel that way. But not all kids are like that.” So, help that child part of him sense something different in the moment. Gradually, through that exploration, he was able to learn how to let go.
So, he had homework around letting go. He was to enlist his partner to help him — for example, she would tell him when she experienced him as clinging to her, and then he would just practice this action. He would just start to open his palms, because holding on is a tight clinging. He wasn’t actually grasping her, but it was a tight grasping motion that he would feel in his body. So, he would ask her help, and then he would practice letting go. I encouraged him to be very aware of the effect of that, of the letting go part. I wanted to challenge that idea that it would be good to hold on, and challenge that fear in him that something worse would happen. Whereas, in fact, if he released the holding on, something better would happen. She liked being with him more, she wanted to come closer, etc. So, the trick was to integrate that awareness with the letting-go.
If you found this video helpful, you can find out more from Pat (and other top experts) on how to address the core wounds that drive a fear of abandonment – just click here.
Now we’d like to hear from you. What are some ways you help your clients who struggle with a fear of abandonment to embrace the idea of letting go? Please share by leaving a comment below.
If you found this helpful, here are a few more resources you might be interested in:
Working with Abandonment – A Common Therapeutic Mistake
I am the client I could not identify with this I’m suffering from my childhood abandonment Mother died when I was 2yo Father died when I was 5yo Was then raised by a pedophile I told myself when I leave here I will stay away from people for the rest of my life Which I practically have done No help from therapists I wanted to die after my father died Never had any interest in living I’m 74yo alone and depressed
A friend of mine laid in her mothers’ arms in a bed as she died. My friend was just months old and wasn’t found for three days. She was raised by family so the situation is different from yours a bit. As an adult in her early thirties he joined a “women who love too much” 12 -step group and several months later she got her life back. Good luck to you. I am sending you my love.
There is no video posted to watch
I have used different disney animals that have a pouch or wings or carry their young on their backs and worked with imagery on how it feels to be in the pouch or on the back, peeking out, moving away and coming back again. feeling the feelings in the body
Short but pithy. Pat Ogden presented wisdom in a small package.
I feel it’s not that simple : for him to just practice letting go does not address the deeper blief that. Is at the core of the clingy behavior, that he must be defective at his core and he needs someone else to “rescue” him from his deficiencies. For him to let go of this belief he would have to help the vulnerable part to attach to him, his Self, more, so that the part would feel secure enough ot be able to let go of his partner. As long as the Attachment to the .self is not strong enough he likely would not trust himself enough to let go of her.
Completely agree with you. It does not address the deeper belief nor the experience..
Always appreciate Pat’s measured, kind, intuitive approach.
Pat refers to letting go as one of the 5 basic actions. Does anyone know what the other 4 are?
Reaching, grasping, pulling towards, pushing away, and avoiding I believe. I hope someone else might confirm this, Wendy.
Thank you, Susanna.
These practises make me want to cry, I think at the enormity of the load inside. It’s overwhelming and frightening and I will be doing these first two techniques as often as I can remember , baby steps, until I feel the load lessening a bit. These are acupressure points. Acupressure has been the best thing for me to shift out of my anxiety for long enough to get a sense of what it must feel like to have peace. These simple techniques will hopefully help me carry that feeling for longer, and they’re free! Thank you.
Just realized I commented on the Peter Levine video that follow this one. Thanks for all.
Really great to be reminded of this physically-based, concrete way of permitting, feeling into, shifting responses – if and when that feels right – and so changing trauma patterns towards healing. Pat says it so clearly and compassionately. I have a number of clients for whom this will be helpful.
Thank you, A great example of how the psyche and soma can work together in a not too complex situation and yet having profound effects upon the client. How the body already knows and how the early development of hand movement was his link to releasing. It might show signs of early non-verbal challenges and therefore the use of non-verbal interaction first, into cognition is a way to help the client to ease that present somatic and cognitive concern.
Thank you for sharing so openly the importance of soma and non verbal work in therapy. Your work and eagerness to share this work is helping other non-verbal typology therapists to become more recognised and to be able to do the work we so love to be able to do.
Thank you again.
Thank u
Practical example of safe place work and letting go. Thank you. Is ‘homework’ still used!!