So how can we address the relational side of trauma while also helping clients process traumatic events?
In the video below, Terry Real, MSW, LICSW shares a case example to help illustrate how you might work with clients whose relationships are impacted by trauma.
Check it out.
Let me give you an example. So here’s a couple, extreme pursuer distancer, she puts up a wall, they both have terrible trauma histories. She puts up a wall and he gets aggressive and starts trying to pound that down. Or he gets aggressive and she puts up a wall. You can punctuate it either way. I say to her, “When does the wall come down?” And she says, “Well, when days go by and he calms down and he’s soft and he’s gentle, then we can talk about it.” Because that’s the solution. Let’s see if we can make that happen in a matter of minutes, not days.
So now I move to him. Why is he so aggressive? I say to him, and he was this big burly guy, I say to him, “I don’t know, I’m making this up, but I’ll bet, on the other side of her wall, there’s a little boy in you that feels really abandoned and shut out and helpless.” And he goes, “Bingo.” I’ve got this on film too. You can see it. This is an exact transcript of what happened. He goes, “Bingo.” And I go, “Tell me what happened to you?” And he goes, “Well, I was abused as a child.” He’d never said this to his partner. I say, “How were you abused?” “Sexually.” “Tell me about it.” “It was my aunt.” “What happened?” “It went on for about four months, about six incidents, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.” “How old were you?” “Seven.” “Who did you tell?” “No one.” “Why not?” “I don’t think they would’ve done much.”So I went back to him on the other side of her wall and I listened closely to the language. “How do you feel on the other side of that wall?” And he says, “I feel like I don’t matter. I feel like there’s no one there. I feel like no one cares. I feel like there’s no one to tell my story to.” Literally he used those words. So catastrophic trauma, his aunt being sexually abusive to him on three or four specific occasions, that’s catastrophic trauma. Does he have to debrief from that? Absolutely.
But what about the trauma of not having anybody to tell? That wasn’t three or four times. That was millions of times. And guess what? When he’s behind this person’s wall, his girlfriend’s wall, the aggression isn’t because he’s being violated. The aggression is because he’s being shut out. He is not being triggered by his aunt’s catastrophic activity. He’s being triggered by his family’s pervasive chronic neglect. That’s trauma. And that’s the kind of relational trauma that most of us encounter every day in our offices. Both have to be dealt with, but both have to be respected as traumatic.
For more strategies from Terry (and other top experts) on working with relational trauma, join us for the final free session of the Advanced Master Program on the Treatment of Trauma. This week, we’ll get into practical strategies for working with patients whose trauma triggers problems in their current relationships.
Sign up for the free broadcasts here.
Now, we want to hear from you. How do you plan to use Terry’s ideas in your work with your client?
It a relief knowing that it is indeed because of how our brain is wired and how we see our world through the lens of others. Thanks.
The acknowledgment of the layers of what constitutes trauma was so powerful!
Thank you!
Thank you so much for making this available to us!
I totally agree-relational and developmental trauma usually have abandonment as the core trauma. And thank you for saying (or I inferred ) it can be worse than big T trauma because it can last forever if not recognized and treated.
Dr. Diane Austin
Licensed Creative Arts Therapist
In-Depth Psychotherapy
Thank you for this! I haven’t watched this by T. Real yet but am familiar with his excellent teachings. I’m a survivor of severe childhood trauma, and have a lot of recovery (55+ years of multifaceted recovery). Miraculously, I’ve been married to my partner in life for 50+ years and am blessed to have had therapy with wounded healers who were before their time using emdr, mindfulness, self-compassion and parts work, and had skill sets like those being taught now by NICABM. I love your positive “take” on what you wrote.
I think there are many reason our marriage stayed strong, notwithstanding trying times. One was that I came into the marriage knowing I survived trauma (although not knowing the depth and horror of it until later) and thus I did not project very much of my “stuff” onto my partner (an imperfect, but kind, caring person with good values and a sense of humor). I am not against divorce when necessary, but sad to see unnecessary divorce.
I wanted to be a therapist and use my grad degree, but wasn’t able to, so I put my efforts into helping other trauma survivors connect with therapy and other sources of well-informed support. To that end I’ve given presentations to therapists using both my personal recovery story and information about NICABM and all of the excellent, informative material they provide, which has been so healing for me. A shoutout of thanks to them and to all who pay for their content which allows me, and others who are already spending a significant part of our budget on therapy, to watch free (I run out and buy books by their presenters for a deeper dive.). I also learn from reading the comments on the presentations. I learn from the therapists who comment and also from the trauma survivors, as well as those wounded healers who are both.
Wendy
Hello Wendy! I’m grateful I could add to the conversation! I’ve always thought we were here to help one another, going forward – no doubt because comfort was scarce in my young life. When I finally got my degree and license and field placements, and first job at Child and Family Services, I gave a talk on “Comfort-giving”. It was meant to be my path. Thank you for all you have done by learning from so many and making it useful in this world! ~Linda
Linda,
I so agree with your philosophy!
Namaste and blessings,
Wendy
Hi Wendy! I am just now starting to try to deal with all my past trauma and could really use some help and guidance!! If u would be open to chatting with me please email me at tindolginny@gmail.com I would greatly appreciate the help!
Terry!!! Thank you for this insightful moment. You nailed it for me. “Let it take minutes, not days” or weeks or months or years!
many thanks for the clear,wonderful example of trauma and neglect impact.
The Holocaust trauma was followed by silence in the society I grew up in.Shame was part of the reaction of the survivors.
Leading to emotional distance in the families.
I have never been able to see so clearly the impact before this presentation.
As a Holocaust educator,it helped me a great deal.
Thank you.