When a person experiences trauma, there’s one key factor that can play an important role in whether or not PTSD symptoms develop – and that’s secure attachment.
But what happens when someone has never had a connection to a secure attachment figure? How can we help our client build the feelings of safety that are so vital to healing from trauma?
In the video clip below, Pat Ogden, PhD and Ruth Lanius, MD, PhD highlight the importance of repairing attachment. Ruth also offers a useful strategy that can help clients rebuild secure attachment.
Take a look – it’s about 4 minutes.
For more on the neurobiology of attachment, please check out the Treating Trauma Master Series.
Now I’d like to hear from you. How will you use these ideas in your work with clients? Please leave a comment below.
For those of us who have been severely manipulated by kindness, it could take years of connecting with a cat to see progress. What worked for me was MDMA-assisted psychotherapy. Here’s my detailed account of how and why: http://bit.ly/i2MDMA
Healing shouldn’t have to be so hard.
A few years ago we made our domestic violence shelter “pet-friendly”, enabling women to bring their pets into shelter with them. The positive effect this has had for the clients is clearly visible. As one staff put it “having her dog in her lap made it easier for [the client] to say hard things”. Their attachments to those around them they trusted may have been damaged, but if we nurture whatever connection they have been able to maintain with their pet, and use it, it seems to help them move beyond that damage.
I worked for ten years with poor, unwanted and homeless children and abandoned, neglected and abused horses. Both benefited as the children gained a sense of empathy, relationship and connection to the animals; disaffected children learned that they could have some sense of agency by helping out with and training the horses and the horses gained by being properly cared for finally. One severely epileptic 3 year old has never had another seizure since sitting on an old nag of a horse for 20 minutes. He is now 9. I think we seriously underestimate the power of a relationship with animals when it comes to attachment issues and trauma.
We have a dog that will come into the session with the clients permission. Lilly the dog is a great help with those very insecure attachment particularly with disorganised attachment. She seems to know how much contact the client needs and will often lie down at their feet for the whole session. I have some other stories of dogs assisting particularly in the family constellations work that I do. I would like to share those perhaps at another time. Thankyou for this reminder.
I connect to my clients with my horses and dogs for therapy
The post about pets and attachment has, I think, helped me to clarify what was only a foggy understanding before. I started being sexually abused when I was turning nine. We had pets at home, but I think the real attachment I had and that helped me a lot was to my little sister who was then about three. Sadly, I suspect my need of her may not have been good for her. We are friends 50 years later, but she keeps her distance.
We are a non-profit offering free support to anyone who doesn’t have a therapist, insurance or afford a life coach, etc. Free national conference calls for support, zoom events, free support groups in person. We have a call list of over 100 people that they can call 24/7 to get support. Having a community with community family holiday and everyday events has been a key element to accelerating their progress versus seeing a therapist once a week. Every day interaction with loving people practicing unconditional love…after about a year 90 percent of people’s lives change dramatically with all the Family type support and getting held at every event and every group. Sharon Winningham, Founder Loving-groups.org All volunteer community We are in 7 cities and virtual to all. http://www.sharonwinningham.com
Sharon,
I would like more information on your programs you describe here – I was not able to find any of the free national services at the link above, but I certainly can see how beneficial (and much needed) this could be – Thank you!
As a childbirth educator, I have a client who used her newborn baby as a way of establishing attachment after a traumatic birth experience. It was soothing way for her to “work through the trauma” that they both had experienced together.
Hello.
I find that symptoms following trauma do not always present until some time later.
This could be weeks to years, as was the case with me.
As a practitioner I have seen clients with trauma that have manifested over time.
Rarely have I heard of symptoms appearing shortly after the event.
What is needed is stat intervention following any type of trauma, especially younger clients.
I find this highly interesting.
Keep it the good work.good food for thought.
Dr.Dave.
Yes, yes and yes…
Yes, to this theory . I agree that Loving attatchments are so very important. I deal with a girl/woman 71 years of age who has been through various traumatic experiences and never really had those loving attatchments to help her through them. Now at this age it is very difficult for her to trust anyone and change those old ways of thinking. Of course her situation is much more difficult because she is Autistic and mentally delayed on top of it. She has made some progress but each day is a new adventure in dealing with her thought life. I am at a loss sometimes as how to handle her. There are no pat answers and no easy fixes for her. Or me.
I work as a school social worker and often bring my three year old golden retriever dog into my office. Ruby has been coming since she was a puppy and she is a source of comfort and a transitional object enabling students to talk more openly and freely while brushing her, hugging her or even taking her for a walk or run with her in the woods and on the school grounds. Sometimes just throwing a tennis ball and letting the student release their pent up anger and/ or aggression is another role that Ruby helps students with.
Visualisations with kind eyes exercise have also helped a lot. I also Recommend messages, ask the client to develop deep contact with the self as a person while looking at the image in the mirror. Engaging with different parts that show up during this exercise and holding these parts without judgements.
http://www.loving-groups.org
We hold people in our laps with certified “holders” who hold them like a baby everyday so that they can begin to feel safe though having a lot of oxytocin in their body. Over time they can feel more social and begin to step out into our social events. Likened to reparenting slowly.
Where is the article about what the leading hospital is doing? Please email that article to me! Thanks! (love the series, btw!)
I have a very intuitive mare who helps people process what ever emotions they need to process. I will give the client a bucket of grooming tools so they can touch her with a purpose, and without fail they begin talking to her, crying and hugging her. She will tuck them into her chest with her head and hug them back. People who have been nonverbal, or severely affected have come out of sessions with her talking and smiling. She was a rescue from physical and emotional trauma herself. This is how she gives back.
Wow, this really touched me very deeply. What a wonderful soul to be with, so much healing power. Thank you for sharing, still wiping my eyes…
In the 20th century Hanscarl Leuner (Germany) developed the psychodynamic method of Guided Affective Imagery. Today it is known as Kathathym Imaginative Psychotherapy (KIP). It delivers a stepped approach of the trauma, starting with the imagination of a save and protected place, where someone is able to find himself well. Helpers can also be imagined. In succession of several sessions the pt will be asked to imagine the different aspects belonging to the traumatic event, i.e. affect, the subjective representations and in the end the event itself.
It is a very soft method because every aspect is encrypted in imagery as much as the psyche of the pt needs it .
I use active imagery In chronic as well as in acute situation of trauma. The method is very well developed in areas where people speak the German language. I am a retired psychiatrist living in Holland, but still teaching and supervising this approach at the Stichting Symbooldrama (shortly changed in the Association of KIP); http://www.symbooldrama.nl
Thanks for the Treating Trauma Master Series!
Piet
I have at times brought my dog into therapy sessions. Once when I was working with a woman rigid with grief my dog slowly walked over to her and licked her leg. The tears then began to freely flow. A better intervention than I could give.
“You can find out what the’re doing and why “ is what you say pertaining to a major leading hospital. So I “click here” as told, and get NOTHING about it. It’s so misleading and not the first time your site has done this. Please change and give more of the information you lead people to expect. Thank you
I have worked asking clients to see (image) their inner child, whatever age arises naturally in their imaging. Then I ask them to “see” the specifics of the child, how their hair is worn, how they are dressed in their image. Them I move deeper and ask them if they can ‘see’ the child’s face…and then what does that child need right now in the present moment. If they can see the child and what they need, I ask the clt to say a few sentences to the child: 1.) I love giving you attention. 2.) I love listening to you.
This is usually a powerful exercise for the adult, bringing tears, tenderness and emotional attachment towards the child. It’s a way of forming an ‘attachment’ with one’s own self and reparenting an inner child. I want to credit Keith Mar and Kathleen Baggarly MFT’s in Santa BArbara Ca who I first learned a version of this technique from. Very powerful.
Unless…your family is judgemental, critical, and will use this opportunity to say: “I told you so.”
It is amazing. The same as my opinion. They (animals) are beautiful people. They love their owners whatever they are
Thankyou for reminding us of the safe connection to animals. I lost my cat who I had for 9 years. As a therapist, this cat was my co-therapist and often my clients bonded with the cat when they weren’t feeling safe. The cat seemed to “know” when to physically get close to the client and when to keep a distance. When the cat passed, my clients expressed grief over his absence in our sessions.
I also went through my own epiphany when he died. I realized how strong our bond was and realized that he was the first being I felt mutual unconditional love with for such a long period of time!! When I was healing from a major loss, his fur was all I could meditate on as anything else was too acute and too painful.
I still visualize him and imagine his smell or the feel of his fur when I am feeling vulnerable.
What a beautiful story, Mara.
What if the victim has an attachment but rejects care from the caregiver. My experience is that it is a very long healing process, very challenging and takes a great deal of patience from the family. Never give up is the lesson.
Horses are other animals who are extremely sensitive and valuable partners for working with trauma to develop attachment and security.
Thank you once again for your continued educational support. Love the idea if using animals to facilitate an emotional attachment. Animals are a huge part of healing from trauma.
Thank you for all your educational and training efforts. I am benefitting daily as are my clients! Thank you!
We’ve used animals with sexually abused people and war victims. We have two dogs and consider them to be assistant therapists in that sense.
What do you do for someone who has adverse reactions to animals? In other words, an individual who is not particularly interested in animals or has no desire in pets whatsoever.
Using an animal as a way for someone to feel closeness is great idea for those who do not have a secure attachment
I want to be worked up at the VA for Vietnam PTSD but they are so dam complicated i am repulsed by their bureaucracy.i wish there were a professional,private one,who specializes in this sort of thing even paid to help a vet navigate the system to get that work up?
my army buddy from the same company i was in the same dates ,has got good treatment from a Calif VA included in this is both of us having exposure exposure to agent orange hes has clinical,physical very definable illnesses and I have had psychiatric problems years after i was discharged.
There may be mind-body psychotherapists (not sure what the correct term is) in your area. Years ago when I started working through my body to heal from PTSD I had a really hard time finding a way to do it. However, I Googled yesterday and was surprised to find that there are now many people who do mental health treatment through the body. I suggest you Google for your area. Good luck.
Raymond, I am not a veteran but I had to deal with extreme PTSD symptoms because of violent abuse. I have benefited from a therapy called Emotional Freedom Technique (EFT). A friend of mine who is a veteran of Vietnam recommended EFT to me highly. He told me about “Vets Stress Project” which is totally free to veterans and has reports of great success helping vets. You can get all the info at “stressproject.org”. There is also a newsletter to sign up for at the site and a phone number to get immediate help. I thank you so much for serving our country, Raymond. I wish you success and peace.
For an entire year I rocked one of my clients. She found it almost impossible to talk about her early childhood. We did a lot of Hakomi work around the difficulty of verbalizing, without going into the details of her experiences. At some point I asked her if she would like to do some bodywork and she lit up – as I observed her body on the table, rocking came to mind. I asked her if she would like that and to my surprise she said yes. So for a year, she would come in, we would gently touch on whatever she brought and then for about 45 minutes I would rock her, starting with her feet and gradually going up the body, gently rocking her from side to side. I was astounded by the difference this made. She opened up, asked for hugs, was able to talk far more about her childhood. We processed quite a bit before she felt she was ready to try things without therapy.
I have worked for 16 yrs with a client with poor attachment and she bonded very strongly to her cat. However, the cat passed away in August and my client is really struggling – to function, to keep getting swept away from grief. This cat was the only love she’s ever felt and now she is alone. It’s very challenging, but she is still here and comes weekly and very gradually can begin to share, but managing the cutting and “I have no reason to be on the planet” is challenging to say the least. I rely on the strength of our long term therapeutic alliance….
I work on many levels such as energy sending the person positive energy and letting him/her know that I will be there no matter what. I know first hand about this from coming into the world where my parents had try to abort me. I developed an attachment with my dad but he was mostly working away and made myself sick to get attention from my mother. I have overcome these issues through getting help and training. I am grateful for more learning, thank you
Dealing with children who feared dogs, I was helped by my then Rhodesian Ridgeback pet dog. This dog was traumatised and made fearful of humans and was a great example to my fearful clients. A lesson to show them how to make friends with my dog (who was so fearful of them), allowed further talk about how we could ascertain if a dog was friendly or not and how to deal with dogs in any situation. Animals are a great way to both give and receive love. Some great work has been done with some prison inmates in this regard, also in nursing homes.
I am registered in the Master Series, but the example with the animal as a way for secure attachment was very meaningful. I am proposing a presentation to veterinarians about Vicarious Trauma and prevention. As professionals they are exposed to trauma of having to euthanize their patients, and the grief of the owners and themselves. Do you know of some specific examples to do with vets? My concentration as an Art Therapist is on educating about trauma and prevention with the use of my resilience puzzle technique which I developed, including mindfulness practices.
Would appreciate any suggestions.
My daughter is a vet and she has her own pets and a husband and baby of course who she sees and connects with daily. I see how this can help but the day in and day out of having to euthanize and having pet owner who don’t care about their animals is difficult.
What is your resilience puzzle technique?
I have treated adult survivirs of sexual assault as children in small support groups.(5 or 6 people.)As trust developed , which for some took quite a while, we began to see sharing and healing.
Not sure this counts in this particular discussion since these people already suffered from PTSD in some cases.
I think it’s a great example, Gale. As a survivor of CSA it took a long time to find out there are many, many of us and therefore we are not alone. Thought we were alone, but now know better. I tend to trust fellow survivors as soon as they ‘come out.’ We understand something that is hard for others to deal with or ‘get.’ Thank you for working w small groups and posting.
Growing up with an unpredictable and harsh caregiver has made me cautious in developing close relationships. I have thrown myself completely into intimate relationships only to find they are unsustainable. I believe that restoring a sense of self compassion and trust is the best road for me to travel. I am learning to give myself what I never got. It is a long, slow process.
Thank you for offering your videos on this subject with such incredible expertise.
I have been a Clinical Counsellor for 5 years and have found that helping to restore client’s sense of self compassion is heightened greatly by fostering/cultivating connections with a pet. As a way of learning to/familiarizing oneself with loving/caring for another living being, traumatized clients can, over time, learn to/permit themselves to offer the same sort of care/warmth/support to themselves.
Barriers and obstacles to doing so are to be expected: that makes sense, as they have long had to form protective armour when in the presence of supposedly caring others. Bonding/connecting with a warm/fuzzy/accepting friend can activate self compassion centres in the brain/release oxytocin.
In short, learning to be compassionate toward another being can show the client that not only is this kind of love/support/care possible, they can (safely) offer it to themselves, too.
Recently I had to take over the care of my mother’s eight year old cat after Mum had a stroke. The cat very soon after, decided to sneak into my therapy room. My clients did not mind and I began to notice that people who were very anxious, seemed to attract the cat and he would rub himself against their legs first of all, and they responded. Then he would jump up on the couch and let them stroke him. It is wonderful to observe them relaxing, absentmindedly stroking him as they open up. It has been an interesting and delightful experience having him as a “regular” now in the therapy room. It is also interesting to note that he knows when to stay away from some clients preferring instead to sleep on a nearby chair.
I have an empathy cat. If I’m watching, say, Call the Midwife, he can sense me crying from across the apartment and will come give me a hug.
I think guided imagery is a really powerful resource, allowing the client to visualise what feels good and safe to them.
TREES! And all of the non-animal world (the primary caregiver of every one of us). This of course has reciprocal benefits.
Yes, I second this. Staring off into the undulating valleys and ridges of trees in the hills or mountains, can cultivate a sense of open-spaciousness. It is restoring to accept the simply beauty of nature in its pristine presence. Human nature, in all of its flora and fauna, should be easier to accept securely with the former stabilization in view.
I agree with using the natural world for emotional healing also. Have taught many people to place a hand on a tree trunk, and notice how at first they might feel the pulse of their heart beat. After only a few moments, they can feel the pulse change to a wave coming to them from the tree. Laying on the grass, also has a vibrational frequency that calms the mind somehow
When I took EMDR training with Roy Kiessling, he described a relatively new protocol for dealing with immediate traumas. It’s called A-TIP, Acute Traumatic Incident Processing and is described as the CPR of psychological trauma. A-TIP consists of 13 steps that embellish the EMDR standard protocol using tapping, eye movements, VOC’s, SUD’s and cognitive interweaves. It can be used in disasters, accidents, assaults, school behavior and peer support. I’m intrigued by using A-TIP in family and couples’ crises. See the A-TIP Workshop overview: https://www.emdrconsulting.com/a-tip-2/.
A-TIP is amazing! It boils down to 3 or 4 simple steps and facilitates healing of trauma in the brain. It gets rid of nightmares in just a few minutes and helps a person let go of the intense negative emotions surrounding their traumas and fears/anxieties.
Jaci, a word of caution. A-TIP may not get quick results with the 20% of the population who had disorganized early attachment and then experienced trauma in later life. See Dan Siegel’s hypothesis regarding those people who are more likely to be traumatized in later life versus those who are not. For example, of the people who survived the collapse of the World Trade Towers, I’d expect those who had disorganized early attachment not to respond as well to A-TIP as those who did not. In any case, A-TIP while quite promising needs clinical trials. I’m sure Roy Kiessling would agree.
How does this technique remove or dissolve the recurrent nightmares for people?
Yes, I‘m sure, attachment helps trauma healing and it should be strengthened.
Your webinar series on trauma compliments and provides exceptional resources for my work as an integrative wellness practitioner, focused on guiding clients through their deepest emotional transgenerational trauma, which might include the impact of family secrets, the exclusions, the missing and forgotten, the silenced, the religious persecution, the government oppression, the family and community tragedies, the immigration, the wars, the victim and perpetrator energy, and much more that has passed down from generation to generation. Your series is also very timely for my research on the systemic transformation and healing of transgenerational trauma as a doctoral candidate at Royal Roads University, Victoria, BC. Understanding more fully how the original trauma set into the body, mind, heart and spirit of the parent or ancestor is vital to shifting transgenerational trauma. An integral part of this energetic, emotional and body focused work is connecting with and building healthy relationships and healthy energetic boundaries with parents, ancestors, and others, whether they are living or dead, where attachment and bonding wounds, interrupted reaching out movements, and energetic entanglements currently exist. The work is shifting the inner images of childhood and the emotional response strategies of childhood that no longer serve one well into healthy emotionally mature adult responses. We become unwell through a greater family system and we systemically heal through a greater family system. As a visual learner myself, your videos and your transcriptions of the webinars are an immense resource for my systemic constellation work with others. This series is an opportunity to continue integrating the work of Dan Siegel, whose interpersonal neurobiology I first experienced at the Copenhagen Congress on Systemic Constellations in 2013, the latest wisdom from Peter Levine (trauma and somatic experiencing) and Bessel van der Kolk, whose books I continually use as resources, and discovering the work of your many other engaging presenters. I am certainly pleased that I stumbled upon this series on Facebook. Thank you for your efforts to share this work with the world!!
We as humans do a pretty good job screwing each other up. Thank you for your intelligent, resourceful, and caring response and hopefully the current therapies will be effective for my problems.
Patricia, I find this kind of work amazing. I use a form of kinesiology with individuals to address or “heal” wounds that are from their lifetime, or 20-40 generations back. Sometimes it’s a form of sibling rivalry or inheritance, issues of starvation from the potato famine.
Much like the mice in the cherry blossom experiment. Memories are attached to the DNA somehow.
Example: https://www.scientificamerican.com/article/fearful-memories-passed-down/.
Thank you. Would love to know more about your work
Which technics will you use to rebuild attachment between a mother and a daughter? In this case daughter not ready to see mother.
There are so many techniques available to support the rebuilding of a parent-child relationship. Is this a young child? teen? adult child? There are amazing theraplay resources that can be tailored for all ages. You may want to consult a therapist trained in attachment to get some recommendations.
A lovely book I’ve shared with many clients is Connected Parenting by Jennifer Kolari – in it she talks about meeting the child where they’re at and ways to respond in a validating, connected way that makes the child feel secure. She has a section on how to go back to the baby stages and engage in some of this earlier nurturing play – even for older kids/teens as it can be very therapeutic. She also has a book for parents of older kids/teens. I hope this is helpful
Thank you so much for sharing this.
For some of my clients the relationship with nature the ocean, the woods, is a great ressource!
The link above to the Master Series is not working.
This video was very helpful. It is important to understand whether or not the client has ever experienced a secure attachment; if so, to build on that & if not, to find other ways, such as pet therapy, play therapy, art, music (singing as mentioned), etc. I know of a therapy practice that actually lists 2 dogs as therapists. They respectfully ask the clients if they are comfortable with a dog in the session. I love my cat, but know of some people who are terrified of cats. Obviously, all clients are unique and there is no way to deal with the absence of secure attachment.
I share my own responses to loss and the pain I feel.
I don’t have a pet but I have a furry teddy bear in my consulting room, with floppy limbs and a beautifully weighted belly – about the size of a baby. I use him for both teaching purposes, and also in therapy sessions, where his sensory presence has often helped clients self soothe, and become more present in the room.
Thakyou so much for all of your work and generous sharing. To answer your question of what do I use, with my community, for secure attachment: songwriting and singing. First we become present with basic breathing exercises, then graduate to vocal exercises, then we harmonize together (people are so surprised how naturally this happens)
then, for those who feel trusting enough, which teens and convicts usually do, we add lyrics about our traumatic experience ‘story’. Singing gets us present vibration wise (to the frontal corex) and then storytelling detaches us from re-experiencing trauma, so that we can ‘witness’ it. Also, many brain studies have shown that singing lights up the brain in a way that supposedly no other activity has been shown to do!
If you’d ever like to collaborate on brain studies and the positive, healing affects of singing, please let me know. I am eager to offer my time and knowledge, free of service. It’s my spiritual path and my mentor says I’m ready to branch out with other skilled professionals…
Thank you for sharing this. I think you are onto something really powerful here and I hope you find what you need for the next steps on your path. And that you keep finding ways to share what you are learning.
The Attachment and Trauma Network has a list of providers by state. I believe ATTAch May as well.
Nora-I’d love to learn more. I interview different practitioners re: trauma and attachment and, as a singer myself, love this idea. If you’re interested please email me at alison@full-potential-parenting.com.
Yes, music is multidimensional love. I would be interested in being a part of the tests. Let me know if it can work from Portland OR.
Tell me more Nora. sagenest4@gmail.com Sue.
This work is important. Studies have shown how singing and humming help to heal. Indigenous people have used song & dance to portray story telling throughout history to heal the group
How do you find a therapist who specializes in helping with attachment issues near You? I can’t find anyone…
Where are you? Maybe one of the therapists responding here knows someone.
I have a lovely cat I call my therapy cat – she is just wonderful at helping traumatised clients regulate. She just seems to know when to turn up and provide the warm, soft, purring presence on the lap. The clients feel welcomed, loved and special.
I have an elderly client who was with his wife at a nursing home and brought their dog Fluffy until the nursing home decided that Fluffy had to leave. My client now lives with Fluffy in his house which to his dismay he found had been emptied of beloved furniture by his children when he was in the nursing home. He is planning to move to a retirement village where Fluffy is welcome. My client’s family often encourage him to get rid of Fluffy. This client is so attached to his dog that not living with him would be detrimental to my client’s mental health. Fluffy attends his sessions with him and is an integral part of the therapy.
Yes, I have incorporated animals in my work with very traumatized people…either their own or one of my own pets as I have two dogs and a very astute cat that ‘knows’ when she is needed in the office.
Animals add a very rich dimension to our work. They are great for teaching clients how to respect an animals friend’s feelings as well.
Thank you for this! Because I study and work with “attachment resistant” clients who can’t trust another person (any other person really) anymore, I recognize the important role the Ego-Soul-Axis plays in healing trauma. The way I treat trauma integrates attachment theory and Soulful Relating and is, therefore, focused on helping clients cultivate an attachment bond between their body-self (Ego) and their Soul-Self (Real Self). I found, when this Ego-Soul-Connection is felt, the body-self feels supported and can let go of control. This makes processing and soulful integration of traumatic experiences possible. With clients who struggle with attachment resistance AND treatment resistant depression and anxiety, I work with a medical team and we combine ketamine infusions and soul attachment work. It’s a way to reach the self-part that lost faith in people and so maybe it could also reach the place described by Carollyne, “just waiting to die.” Even when just one heart gives up on humanity, can we survive? I don’t really know the answer to this question but know that we must keep searching for ways to reach that place! It’s why I felt relief that Lynda acknowledged in her reply “the courage it took to share it so honestly.” One person experiencing and expressing honestly “just waiting to die” and another person listening and responding without pretense makes me wonder if maybe we’re actually tracking and reaching each other’s dead places inside. Thank you all for making this conversation possible!
That’s amazing you do soul work. I am in the Masters of Social Work program now. We are not learning any of that in college.
I have been learning energy work for 5 years and would like to integrate that with counseling
Is there a book or teacher/ trainer for that kind of work.?
I’m just waiting to die. 71 years old mother died when I was 2 years old Father when I was 4 years old Aunt (fathers sister) died when I was 5 years old Raised by her husband who was a pedophile Sexually molested by several people in the neighborhood no safe attachment that I can remember as a child no safe trusting attachments for my whole life no therapy no incest survivor group nothing worked as I said just waiting to die
I hear your pain and acknowledge the courage it took to share it so honestly. There is no way I could ever truly understand what the impact of your early losses and betrayal have had in your life. Just know that I am inspired by the strength and fortitude you have demonstrate to endure through the pain to reach 71 years of age.
Let me tell you my story. And please. you may use my Dad’s word just like I did. I found him so helpful. I hope you will too. Today I call myself a Trauma Angel… otherwise known as an Interventionist.
When I was 4, I was raped by my Uncle. My mother blamed me for it happening! Then she told me she just didn’t love me anymore. “WHY?” I screamed. She said, “you know”. But I didn’t. My 4-year-old mind couldn’t begin to comprehend what had happened and blocked it all out. However, as my mother told me that, I immediately began my search for Truth… about anything. (And I still search today.) Mom made me into her personal whipping girl the rest of my life. She also made me into a caretaker at that age, because she’d hit me for reasons I couldn’t figure out at all. But I found that by taking care of her personal needs my life would go far smoother. Consequently, I never had a childhood.
At 4, I was the youngest child. My elder brother and sister learned how to act through Mom. And they all used her negative ways of dealing with me. And I never saw one of them get swatted, slapped or sometimes spanked hard like I did. My sister turned me in once and laughed at me while I got the hardest spanking of my lifetime. My brother would knuckle-punch my puny arms leaving bruises on them. I became a nervous wreck as a small child.
My father had been raised in a foster home and had known much stress as a child. He knew his wife was out to get me, yet, he couldn’t be there for me during the day. So, at night he’d tuck me in bed, read to me, and rub my back with no sexual undertones in it at all. It was just soothing. Then he asked me if I didn’t tell myself I was alright? I said sure, but who believes me? Even when I tell mommy I love her she doesn’t believe it. No one ever believes anything I say.
My dad said, “God does! In fact, he’s my best friend. He knows so much more than I do about everything that happens around us that I feel I can believe in his words to me. And really, he doesn’t really speak words, he just gives me intuitions and gut feelings about how to deal.”
I looked at him blankly because I was maybe 5 or 6 years old at this time. “Yeah but, who is God? Is he that guy we have to say Our Father Who art in Heaven to all the time in church? Do I have to say it too whenever I want to talk to him?” I asked. “Yes and no, he laughed. Yes, you’ve learned about God in church. But no, you can forget religion when you think of Him as your personal Friend. God is here for each and every one of us on this earth. And you don’t even have to say real words to Him, ’cause he can read your thoughts.” I looked scared then! You have no idea the bad thoughts a little girl can carry in her head, especially about an abusive mother!
Dad went on to say that his God-Friend is just a whole lot of love inside of you. That when someone’s done or told him something horrible, his God just loves my dad, to help him get over any bad reaction he might have. He told me that God had taught him to “walk a mile” in their “moccasins” and to handle this problem with the same love that God had shown him how to have.
My Dad talked to me about turning everything bad that happened to me into something positive to learn from. He told me that with every bad thought I had about my mommy, I could use that very same energy to grow with to make myself into an even better person. Especially better than she was!
However, as I went out into life as a college student, having gotten no advice or preparation from my mom, rape followed me. By the time I turned 18, I’d been raped 5 independent times. (And I never set foot in a Sorority or a Fraternity, never drank or did drugs. I was into Transcendental Meditation then!)
When I wanted to go back to my first college where I felt so much safer, I was kidnapped and taken to Las Vegas to be sold as a prostitute! I thought my days were over. But I used my dad’s teachings, plus my own intelligence, and I escaped without having been touched by anyone. However, upon getting back home, I completely freaked out. I was taken to the infirmary and given something that made me sleep for four days and four nights solid!
It was 1970. I went to three different psychologists, all males, and got no help at all. I tried talking to my girlfriends, but they either yelled at me for being so stupid (I already felt stupid enough, thank you very much) or they just dumped me. So, I shut up. I also became a confirmed loaner in life.
At the age of 37, I was raped one last time by my CEO. The only person over him was the billionaire who owned the company. I ran. And in fact, I ran into a rape crisis hotline. There I not only helped other women, there I could TALK about having been raped and it was appreciated! This work transformed me.
Today I’m 66 years old and can say only that it was a difficult life. Yet my mother made me strong and my father made me wise. I have had two therapists much later in my life, who did help me enormously. One was 97 when I went to her. She had studied with Karl Jung himself(!) and helped me hugely. Yet I’ve also been married four times and am today, single again. Marriage will probably not work for me ever. Yet, never say never. At least I have great friendships with both sexes. And every day, I am grateful for what I do have! And if you have no gratitude, make up an attitude of gratitude to carry you onward.
Now I’ve learned EFT tapping, meditation techniques, breathing exercises, brain science techniques, exercise daily, plus healthy self-love practices just to keep myself calm in all the storms of life. I’ve also tended lots of plants and animals, anything living, my entire adult life. They return the love given them, never talk back, and tending them keeps me out of my head.
I’m going “live” online soon with my new business EMPOWERMENT! Dealing with Corporate Abuse, and my website Grace After Rape. Eventually, I will cover all ages, state, races, cultures, and jobs where people deal with rape, sexual abuse, and human trafficking. It’s everywhere! I do hope to contribute and change the world’s attitudes of silence about these issues in a book I’m now writing. Just like in Hollywood, we all have to contribute to this change. And I do believe it will be women worldwide who get this job accomplished!
Why don’t you lead the way where you live? You won’t believe what it will do for YOU!
Thank you thank you
I agree the time is right.
The shame, guilt and secret needs to come out into the open for healing to start.
Those feelings are too toxic for one person to carry
wow christine so powerful yr story thank you and for all the other women who will read yr story thank you
I never had a safe attachment as a child that I can remember my parents died My mother when I was 2 years old My father when I was 4 years My aunt ( my fathers sister) when I was 5 years old. Raised by her husband who was a pedophile I’m now 71 years old unable to trust anyone for my whole life And I say to hell with it No therapist could help me no incest survivors could help me. I’m just waiting to die.
I’m so sorry Carolyne – to hear your sorrow and hopelessness. Have you ever had a pet? Would you consider a dog? Or if not a dog – a cat? A pet can bring great comfort – and can lead to more…..
I have signed up for the free listening but have not received any link to this… was expecting to hear it this morning. Please advise
regards,
Kim Isaacs
Very interesting. The power of our animals is underestimated. Thank you.
Thanks for this video clip about attachment issues which so easily is forgotten in everyday clinical practise. It brings to my memory a middle aged female patient whose deep and hopeless depression many years resisted all treatment efforts. She had none so ever positive images in her mind about herself. And she could not trust to any person. Until..the only positive experience she remembered having ever been in her life was her youth with horses.. And so we went together to stables.Took a private lesson for us two, afterwards sharing the experiences connected to all that. And after that she went to have more riding as therapy. I still remember the first time seeing her smiling on the horseback; finding a connection with that part of herself who could experience positive feelings. Of course this was just the beginning of a long journey of recovery; healing old wounds and rebuilding her present self/life and the future, that had not existed in her mind. In therapy an important aid was also Emdr and sensomotor techniques applied. But in her case without horses they were useless.
Needless to say that I am a great admirer of those furry therapist collegues.
Horses have very complex facial expressions, with more face muscles than other animals. They in turn can read the facial expressions of we humans. There’s much to be said about feeling that someone understands and accepts us unconditionally, giving us responses to their facial expressions.
My father sexually molested my older siblings, and then when I was about 13, he begin to notice me. I would run away from home and spend the night in the woods with the horses. No one else would listen, and no one would believe me. I ran away from home for two weeks and stayed with the neighbor, continuing to get on the school bus in the morning, and just getting off at the neighbor’s house in the evening after school got out. The neighbor suggested I call a lawyer and ask what to do. I was young and didn’t know I should have called the police, and my neighbor was only in her early twenties so she didn’t know either. The lawyer told me to go back home little girl to your family. Not only was I getting touched improperly, I had been beaten in the face with a belt buckle so that my nose was broken and I had black eyes. This was their way to make me shut up and not tell what was happening. They were right that no one would listen if I tried.
I have a saying about my own self: “Everything I learned in life I learned from horses.” When I am working my own horses in the round pen with me on foot, I do not wear sunglasses because I want them to see all of my facial expressions including the dilation of my eyes. That I have had horses since I was 3 years old except for the time that I was in school obtaining my degrees, is the very thing that helps me overcome my feelings of inadequacy. That I have found some measure of success in my life is due to my relationship with horses throughout my lifetime.
People who have been accused of crime and gone through the legal system, which itself is trauma-inducing, have usually experienced trauma in their life prior to the commission of an act that put them there in the first place. The prisons in Oklahoma and Texas use horseshoeing as a vocational skill for prisoners, so that they have a job when exiting, at end of sentence. My horseshoer learned his vocation from such a circumstance. He is the most spiritual person I’ve ever met, and very kind to horses and people.
I was not able to sign up for the free broadcast on secure attachment as the space where my name should go, would not receive the information. It did receive my email and phone information. I would like to register for this free broadcast. Can you help , please.
Hi Melody. Sometimes it is the internet browser. Maybe try another browser? I used Explorer, it worked.
Sorry but I do not have a Facebook page, nor will I have one.
I work with kids in the foster care system, many of whom have not had positive attachment relationships and often traumatic ones. I work to help them establish a primary attachment relationship with them-self, that is, to support self-awareness and liking themselves. As an art therapist, I provide them with choices in an environment of safety and invitation, and reflect back to them what I observe, helping them describe sensory experiences with the art materials. I affirm their choices and help them expand their sense of confidence. I validate their expression and encourage them to identify and accept their feelings. I promote self-reflection and self-love. Generosity and humour help create shared moments that build self-esteem. I treat them and their creativity as treasure that is much needed in this world. I think this all promotes the ability for them to know and like themselves, feel worthy and desirable to be in relationship with. I hope this helps prepare the ground for healthy attachment.
Great strategy, Theresa. I do this but with adults!!
A recent video appeared, all filmed from a police officer’s glasses as he got shot. What strikes me profoundly throughout is a bystander named Jay Tompkins, who shows up at the officer’s side. I doubt Tompkins had an inkling of professional training on how to handle such a situation, physically or psychologically. I don’t even know if he graduated high school. Yet, watch all that he provides to the traumatized officer: Concern; Reassurance; Comfort; Validation; Follow-up; Communication; Keeping calm, himself; Respect; Providing facts; Cooperation; Presence; Listening; More reassurance; Consistency; Asking concerned questions about feelings; Understanding; Building a community of support: calling on others with different expertise to help; Prioritizing through the crisis “Just concentrate on breathing”; Updating traumatized person on status of help; Protecting traumatized person to keep them calm; calming loved ones “Don’t upset him.”; More reassurance.
Officer Quincy Smith could attach to this person who stepped into this angel-like role, and therefore he could concentrate solely on surviving. And he did survive. Even though Jay Tompkins hasn’t got any idea how to do CPR, he might have saved this officer’s life and certainly helped him on his way to recovering from such a traumatic event. He gave what was needed. (Warning: it’s graphic) https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p6mds5tDqDw
Thank you for sharing this post. One don’t need a degree necessarily in order to be kind and helpful in a time of crisis. Being human is all that is required. Being able to be emotionally present and available in giving hope and compassion to another person in their time of need is all that is required sometimes. I am a social worker by profession and a survivor of trauma. I so appreciate the information that is shared with the general public in addressing Trauma & Treatment. Such a valuable resource when treatment may not be available to those in need regardless the reasons.
Thank you.
I am a Registered Play Therapist with a registered therapy dog. Her name is Ayni which is a Quecha Indian term from Peru that is about reciprocity. They have a full page define the term, but the meat of the meaning is reciprocity for total trust and connection for health and healing”.A three year old girl, sexually abused, put her face in Ayni’s and said, “I need to tell you what you did to me!” My little dog whimpered and that was my cue to continue with the therapeutic moment. Ayni’s energy goes up when a chid enters our play room and healing occurs.
I loved my cat over the years, but now I cannot have a pet as my family have allergies when they come for a visit, so need to find alternative sources of self soothing.
I find when I work with youth, it helps me pass on survivor skills to them. It is nice to help them not follow harmful footsteps of those before them. Parents just are not taught how to parent. Loved doing parenting groups all these years and so wish I had had more of this information then. Now I help families learn these attachment issues, rebuilding not only the child’s need for attachment but also help the parent get a glimpse of their own faulty attachment, which is really where it came from.
Stopping multigenerational transmission of this poor attachment is paramount for our society to heal. Someone below suggested that the helpers called to the hospital also had attachment issues and this is almost always true, but with education, especially in a crisis situation the others usually understand on some level. Follow up is imperative but a plan is set upon discharge to continue the rebuilding of the attachment.
It is so hard to work with an individual unless those around them are not on the same page to want healing for themselves. This can be a problem but so worth it. Doing groups and family meetings when a client is hosptialized can be very helpful and provide the patient a host of solutions where everyone is collaborating. You cannot do this if the facility or insurance company is not hosting this kind of healing.
We have a society that has been so avoidant about speaking ones mind. How you do it, is important. Maybe this internet phenomenon has helped this, but now we need to do it face to face. Put the phones down and make eye contact, which I find is part of the answer when dealing with a person in crisis, thanks to the work by Porges and those nerve endings in our eyes.
Guinea pigs are the best pet for self soothing. They will just snuggle with you. Much less hassle and less financial burden.
Sometimes, it is hard to bring the family on board after a traums, when the hosptial is trying hard to assure their privacy. As a DMHP in the past, I found it quite helpful to sometimes, just allow them to make a phone call to someone they trust or bring the person to the hospital when the patient has spoke of the calm a certain person has been for them. Families often wait around in a room, not realizing they might be able to provide that calm. It just takes a professional to allow the family to help thier loved one. The loved one is in fear as well. Soliciting a parent or family member if they are not part of the crisis, coordinate that desire to help and facilitate it. People around the victim often are in fear as to how to help. That was always my favorite role as a DMHP. With a watchful eye, a lot can be accomplished as to how to help the victim move forward and possibly mending attachment. They say that crises can often bring families together. I have seen that happen time and time again.
As for attachment, I have learned that I never had it through childhood due to parents which made other abuse therafter keep me wired in the sympatheric nervous system. Now after so much attack on my own body I now realize it did help me help others almost instinctively, but now I have to remind clients and myself that self focus is imperative. We need to speak up kindly to those toxic people who are all around us, knowing they are stuck somewhere, too.
Hi , I am not a therapist but a client who also happens to be a teacher. Being liked can be a reason for a child to grows confident in their socialization process. A young student of mine, young female, would cry for hours when her mother wants to go home and leave her in the classrooom. The cries goes on until a male teacher comes in to take turn to teach. She then has the best behavior ever since. How thankful the class , including myself, to see their contentment. I don’t know the answer specifically to the recovery since attachment comes in many flavors. But this is my hunch.
One male client who is so trumatized, when we work at imagining that we would be together in a place of usual fear we get loud, egoistical, very outgoing. He feels it.
I found out as a child that having no secure attachment after being sexually abused by my father, grandfather, and a childhood friend was devastating. My family had a pet cat as I was a preteen and I did not understand the need for a reciprocal relationship even with pets. Having an adult friend of the same sex that was safe and that provided unconditional positive regard and acceptance was crucial in my 30’s. I have been married four times and each relationship became progressively more destructive until I finally found a therapist and support group that provided a secure attachment. It was quite revealing when I first understood what it meant to be loved and that I truly loved my life and myself.
As a mental health professional, I have stayed in therapy myself and closely monitored my relationships. I wish I had known what I know now more than twenty years ago. With clients’ I’ve worked with I’ve found group work in the right environment conducive to building healthy attachments over time. My experience in working with senior adults that have been traumatized by a stroke, a death, or debilitating health conditions has shown great benefit from group sessions two to three times a week with both an educational and an experiential component. Great strides were made in their mood, communication skills, sociability, and cognitive functioning.
When I was abused as a child there were no attachment figures. The hugs I got from a pet cat helped while I was an adolescent. My first real attachment as an adult was with a close female friend that I trusted. When I discovered the feeling of unconditional love and acceptance it made a profound difference. As an adult now and also a mental health professional, I value adult friends, family, and opportunities to serve the elderly. They are always needing hugs. While working with senior adults at Vantage Point in Fayetteville, Arkansas, I witnessed the healing power of safe touches and warm secure relationships. Adults that had suffered from traumatic experiences, including strokes, loss of a life-long partner, and falls, needed a secure attachment and strong support system.
I have not had the family immediately after trauma as I see them late in life. However I like to meet with Patient’s family after the first session . Some are reluctant but others will bring their parents , sibs or spouse.
It is helpful for both patient and the therapist
Animals are great comfort e.g. Help secrete pita in and oxytocin.
Thank you
I would like to let you know that 40 years ago,in the early seventies, I was a Pediatric nurse, now also a trauma psychologist. I felt that hospitalization, surgery and procedures were potentially traumatic. I started a preparation program for children undergoing cardiac cath in which children could communicate their fears through play. We provided a consistent person to follow them to the cath lab and then debrief afterwards. In the research, we found that individualized approach plus consistent person helped in preventing trauma and had better outcomes. This was pretty innovative at the time, now is part of treatment at UCSF where this study was originally done. I loved doing this work. I was one of the best experiences I have had in my long professional life of 50 years now. So happy to share. I am enjoying everyone’s comment here.
The transmission of warm, attuned listening is invaluable. It has both helped my healing process and created the stability I offer to my clients. Thank you for this thought provoking and useful series of videos.
Sincerely,
Sarah Wells LCSW
http://www.sarahwellslcsw.com
The Mindful Healing Project
You speak of “rebuilding secure attachment” but for some this is not REbuilding, but the initial construction leading to feelings of secure attachment. This is especially problematic when those who SHOULD have the first line of support were, sadly, the chief betrayers of the child’s trust. I have several such patients, and I have found, as mentioned in this video, that an animal can be extremely helpful. I describe this to patients as a “spirit animal”, recalling Native American beliefs and tradition. Thank you for sharing this information.
I hope the psychiatrist mentioned in the clip who called family members of traumatized people to the hospital, first cleared with them that these were not people who had also prior traumatized them.
I always try to find out what kind(s) of art form(s) (as observer or active participant) and what forms of nature are compelling to the people I see. I listen closely to “I used to….” This is a window into the part of them that is key to their healing. I encourage those who aren’t currently engaged or have stopped to find a way to connect. For example if someone tells me they love the ocean but can’t leave their home, I encourage them to start by focusing on the water they normally come in contact with in their home, and finding images of oceans on the internet. Or if they used to play an instrument long ago, I ask who are their favorite musicians and encourage them to listen to them on youtube or other media. For people who don’t have or use internet, the library is a great resource for books, cd’s and vinyl. Even though my office is small, I try to give options on whether they want to sit or lie down. I keep a yoga mat on hand for the latter and it has been much appreciated by those who need to have their spine on the ground. Helping people relax physically and honoring their intrinsic alignments goes a long way.
I agree for some people a pet /animal can create an attachment/love relationship. Many of my clients who have experienced sexual abuse or have been the emotional care giver for an emotionally absent parent growing up, become quite enraged at having yet again created a situation where they have to “look after” something/one. Sometimes I get them to experience a favorite teacher, or even encourage some transfer by using their commitment to therapy as a caring experience.
Thank you so much for the incredible generosity of everyone involved to share these programs freely. My personal experience with PTSD has been that too few professionals knew how to really help, partly because of a lack of knowledge when they did their training. It was also problematic to even have access to a therapist long enough to establish a sense of a ‘secure’ attachment. Nowadays, it is difficult to even gain access to a therapist other than to have prescriptions renewed. It wasn’t until I became involved with The Virtues Project that I was able to form long term relationships with some individuals dedicated to working together to develop and spread the skills to provide safe spaces for social interaction. Certainly, everything I have seen in your videos so far has resonated with me personally as strategies I have gathered from my personal ongoing study and research and incorporated into my own healing over the years. Sharing openly like you are doing is an awesome service that can help humanity not only heal from but also minimize the effects of trauma and most importantly prevent some of the common sources of unnecessary trauma in interpersonal relationship behaviours.
Humanity to heal, you say it well…
Ruth, your conversations about trauma, and the comments and suggestions from other therapists are so helpful. So thank you for the work you offer.
Powerful few minutes of sharing – we know that networks of support are key to the response to trauma and it becomes understandable that even in the most devastating of natural disasters people gather in communities of collective loss and collective support. The recognition of the lack of attachment in the aftermath of sexual abuse when a child or adult must keep it secret is the secondary trauma is an important contribution -Thanks Suzanne
To extend my time with a particular client I suggested using email (one way: they write, I receive) about whatever emotions are rising in that moment. I told the client I would scan the text but not pay it much attention (unless I detected of course some sense of harm to self or others). What I would do is allow the emotion its expression without judgement.
In session we sometimes refer to the texts which are repetitive in nature. As the client expresses these neural pathways in a safe way, through writing, they find a sense of empowerment regarding that emotion. It has proved a very useful addition to our time between sessions.
Dr. Pennebaker of course pioneered using writing as a tool for rebuilding positive neural pathways.
I tap into the natural world as a source of safety, attachment and healing for clients. This can be done simply at first by having a view of the natural world through a window in the therapist’s office, or natural sounds present in the therapy environment, such as a water fountain, etc. I later give clients the choice of doing sessions inside or outside. They are often surprised with the freedom to choose (which installs a sense that at least one human – me – is interested and willing to allow them choice, and then listen to, follow and support that choice). The first connections with nature may be simple – a walk around the block or sitting on a bench in a green area. While we talk, I casually bring the client’s attention to features and beauty in the natural world around us, and later draw their attention to the effects that being outdoors has on their body, mind and emotions. These practices are simple and foundational to “Nature Therapy”, and can expand to more formal exercises in the natural world, and even days-long trips in the outdoors with a therapist. The sense of safety, belonging and connection that can be facilitated in these ways within severely traumatized individuals can be profound.
Good to hear this. Often thought this would have benefited me when sitting in the therapy chair was like being a rabbit in the headlights. Requires experienced therapist able to judge the right timing of course.
I have learned from having warm and attuned listeners in the course of my own therapy journey that if I can be present and listen in a way that reads as safe and open to my client, they can begin to find their own path to listening to themselves, to their traumatized parts and the protectors of those parts, and ultimately to listen to their own listening. Sometimes this involves identifying and finding other beings in their lives with whom they experience safe attachment. This might be a dog or cat, for some it’s a horse, and for some it’s a tree or a place in the woods, or a place in their house where they feel secure and held by some presence of energy that reads to them and their parts as safe holding and touch of the right kind. At the core of this experience is helping the person take in the listening of “other,” whoever that is, in such a way that, over time, they begin to listen to themselves accessing a sense of holding within that becomes a resource to their ongoing process of healing.
I have been available as a therapist to a couple people intermittently in their adult lives for over 20 years like safe surrogate family. I also encourage them to recreate a safe family of friends I have seen one resourceful client attach to her dogs and make dog kennel care her business for income to reduce the interaction with people in her life. Some clients return to me for therapy because of my non-judgemental approach that validates them as a good person, who does not blame them for their victimization, and sees their personal strengths.
I work with Inuit and Indigenous clients using ehealth – the remote communities are very isolated. Hand and finger games are a strong cultural tradition so we “play” during the sessions – even if their experience so far has not had secure attachment, there are memories of community events full of laughing and joy to be drawn from. The games are an infinite variety of alternate tapping. During the session, it’s like the bass line, and disregulation then involves laughing at the lost rhythm, modeling the repair of trust as per Erickson. I completed the certificate in Traumatic Stress Studies this past year
Barbara, I’m so interested in how you do this. If I’m understanding right, you play hand and finger games with them while you’re on the phone or using video conferencing? I can imagine the power of play and rhythm. It reminds me of Theraplay. I’d love any ideas on how to do it remotely.
I make sure my office is filled with options that help establish safety and comfort. I have a 30 lbs weighted blanket, himalayan sea salt globe that they can place their feet on and one they can hold while warmed with a light, diffusing essential oils, low/lamp lighting, tactile pulsers, gum and mints to facilitate calm and open breathing. I also have a book with photos of unlikely friendships between animals for their perusal to discover a safe and nurturing image for the attachment EMDR process. I remind them that while we’re doing EMDR they have the right to stop doing it at any point, without reason. And I tell them that the entire theme of my work is to give them an experience where they have choice and control. I find in trauma work that I am as much establishing a hospitable, dignifying, and safe environment, as I am clinically knowledgeable and helpful.
Being reliable and worth the trust, that is set in me. Earning it, by being patient, waiting for the right time for the client to say or do something (unless there are time limits set from outside). Make offers and promises that can be kept etc. Make contracts all the way: from this moment to the entire treatment: both know, both agree…
Sadly for some clients, the only human attachment figure in their lives is their therapist. On the positive side, I have seen the healthy relationship with a therapist help clients to develop healthy relationships with others but it isn’t easy work.
As a social worker, always turning up., never cancelling without an apology. Never minding if the client cancelled with or without notice, or just didn’t answer the door. Always treating client as an equal. Always being interested in what the client had to say.