Left untreated, childhood trauma can reverberate through adult relationships and make it difficult for your client to get close to other people.
But Terry Real, MSW, LICSW has a way of thinking about the psyche that can help clients understand the aftereffects of trauma . . .
. . . and help practitioners retarget their interventions with clients who are struggling in their relationships.
We’ve created an infographic to lay out his 3-part model for you below. Have a look.
Click the image to enlarge
Trauma suffered in childhood can have a tremendous impact on a client’s ability to engage in healthy adult relationships.
Terry Real, MSW, LICSW describes three parts of the psyche to help client’s understand the aftereffects of trauma and to help them relate to others from their most thoughtful, mature self.
Wounded Child
Was wounded by abuse or neglect.
- A young, vulnerable, possibly pre-verbal child
- Often overwhelmed, yet longs for connection
- Much trauma work focuses on the wounded child
- But it’s NOT usually the wounded child that brings dysfunction into adult relationships
Adaptive Child
A child’s version of an adult that developed to protect the wounded child.
- Often a perfectionist, harsh and unforgiving
- Sees the world in black and white
- An older child
- Unwilling to learn new skills
- Cares only about self-preservation
- Views intimacy as a threat
- Not only reacts to aggressor, but also identifies with aggressor
Wise Adult
Makes thoughtful decisions.
- Mature, thoughtful, nuanced, forgiving
- Based in the present
- Understands imperfection and ambiguity
- Makes sense of trauma and its impact on relationships
- Adaptable – Unlike child parts, the wise adult can learn and use new skills
- Views intimacy as a threat
- Not only reacts to aggressor, but also identifies with aggressor
According to Terry Real, MSW, LICSW, it’s usually the adaptive child that creates problems in a client’s current relationships.
To help clients engage the wise adult, we need to focus our interventions on the adaptive child
Terry Real, MSW, LICSW is the author of The New Rules of Marriage and the founder of Relational Life Therapy
(If you’re sharing this infographic, please attribute it to NICABM. We put a lot of work into creating these resources for you. Thanks!)
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Now according to Terry, while most trauma interventions focus on the wounded child, it’s the adaptive child that we need to address to help a client move forward.
We’ll dive deeper into working with the adaptive child this week in the Advanced Master Program on the Treatment of Trauma.
We’ll also look at what to do when specific trauma responses (like freeze, dissociation, collapse, please & appease, and others) are hurting your client’s relationships.
Sign up to watch the free broadcasts here.
Now, please let us know your key takeaway from the infographic by leaving a comment below.
If you found this helpful, here are a few more resources you might be interested in:
How Trauma Affects Relationships
How to Keep Relationships Strong While Social Distancing
When Political Differences Hurt Relationships – an Exercise for Your Clients
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The text version of the info-graphic lists the last two attributes of the Adaptive Child as attributes of the Functional Adult:
Views intimacy as a threat
Not only reacts to aggressor, but also identifies with aggressor
I suspect this may be a mistake! Hope this helps avoid confusion.
I shared on my Facebook page, Healing Trauma with Flowers.
This infographic maybe helpful in understanding the inner psychic dynamics going on within. Being able to sit with oneself during difficult times in awareness of inner parts. The inner child being demanding and unable to bend is asking for help in the form of understanding and compassion. Nurturing these parts is the self-soothing and regulation that we all desire. There will be difficult times. When we stay in awareness we can help ourselves come back to center. Namaste 🙏
Donna Bunce MSW Trauma Survivor
As a Professional Peer with lived experience of C-ptsd, I’m confused by this graphic. All three of these identities can appear in childhood, as a means of compartmentalizing (splitting) and protecting the child, from the moral conflict/inner distress) they feel due to the abuse & neglect. (Think – having a “counsel of three” to refer to, where someone living with DID may create more characters to cope).
Your infographic, suggests professionals engage the “Adaptive Child” (which I fully agree with), yet by this example, the Adaptive Child is “unable to learn”… That makes no sense. I see the “Adaptive Child”, as the “Creative Child”. It is the one that holds out hope, counters the “Wounded Child” to “bring balance to perspective” and uses the perceived “Adult” to be the highest, most authority & decision maker.
Perhaps growing up in an academic environment led to me having a clearer perspective of what was happening and how best to function under the circumstances, yet it is troublesome to find material that is misleading…The medical model has been doing that for too long already.
Thanks for the ability to comment on this important work.
I also find this model and the Structural Dissociation Model markedly oversimplified and rigid in terms of describing my own experience. NICABM is doing fantastic work in getting parts work and dissociation recognized in the face of suppression by perpetrators in the psychiatry-psychology complex and in promoting Community Resiliency with an understanding of the biology of the brain and vagus nerve and somewhat of the adrenal system. They are missing autoimmunity as a cause for somatic symptoms particularly the thyroid component; in addition, in a chronic state of euthyroid sick syndrome, the body can manufacture reverse T3, a thyroid receptor blocker whose message is REST when the therapist and social engagement system’s message is PERFORM. It is challenging to intervene in cPTSD without causing double bonds and more trauma; I appreciate NICABM’s valiant attempts to do so. The thread under Dr. Maxtel’s comment is helpful.
“double binds”, not “double bonds”
Katarina Maxted, not Maxtel
I entirely agree. With CPTSD, the dynamics of trauma response are complex, and the three states illustrated are overly simplistic. The Adaptive Child is the survivor, quite able to think and develop survival strategies to function at a high level, while still being driven by the roots of trauma. Much of this can be unconscious in early life but installed nonetheless.
I notice your comment that The Adaptive Child is “unable to learn skills”. I have found that very interesting. Clients in that state, get confused and frustrated when the therapist explains, educates or interprets. That part/state is stuck in rigid cognitive patterns and has no motivation to “learn”, they feel critised by any comment but sheer mirroring and understanding.
I’m totally still living in the middle panel … adaptive child … at age 65
I appreciate this graphic. At this point I am a functional adult but it has taken me decades to get here. I started later on in life & I had NO help for a very long time. I gained help thru books, one counselor who was admittedly not equipped & then I found a well atuned well trained therapist who did mainly EMDR w/ me which really helped. There are still valleys in my life, like if I forget to take enough Adrenal cortex, it feels like I’ve lost the ground I’ve gained & am ready to check out of life. There are still problems w/ isolation & not having a friend (face to face) that I can talk things over w/. So as good as the information is, sometimes it’s hard to remember it all & apply it all & the real life situation is hard due to being alone. But the best thing that has ever helped me was & is the Lord Himself w/ all of His guidance along the way (supplements, reading material, videos, comfort, certain people to email w/, etc.) & the heart knowlegde of His personal love for me. Nothing can top that! I am thankful that each of you has something to contribute!
In fact, for example, what would help the therapist to differentiate between the adaptative child and the functional adult and make the distinction when they themselves have their own gender issues or to make those differences? Those reactions and blurry boundaries are at time difficult and uneasy to identify. In my opinion, those are sensitive issues and important to address for the therapist/client and was not shown here in visual.
Thank-you so very much, the infographic helps to identify in myself my adaptive child coping habits that holds me back in my adult life, It helps me in my inquiry of my fear that gets locked up in my body that keeps me small, afraid and dysfunctional in communication or expressing my true self. The wounded child trauma of being beaten up, the adaptive child I had to pretend I have no pain, it was the only way out for me as child To Pretend so that the care giver would stop beating me with a belt and punishing me for being stupid in the moment. Thank-You so very much I can now focus on healing my Adaptive Child, I have been giving love to my inner child journey healing and through this infographic I am now made aware of the adaptive child. Thank-you so very much it brings me forward on my path of healing childhood trauma/adult trauma. Many deep bows of gratitude for your psychology postings on healing. Palms Together. God Bless You All.
My email address has not been accepted to access the free program on trauma
Can you please advise of how to access this
Thankyou
Dd
Such good information and extremely helpful for learning about the way people react in such different situations and don’t realize how it travels with them throughout life! Even older clients seeking help find themselves learning much better coping skills! Thanks for all the excellent work you are doing 🌎 worldwide!
Yip, that’s a nice presentation of the 3 stages. Acknowledge & heal the adaptive child in the adult present, and accompany him/her while they develop into the functional adult 😀👍😀
Thanks,
Michael
Key Takeaway. Appreciate the visuals. In my practice, it’s the wounded child that lives within the adaptive child so engaging and healing the wounded child comes first. Only then will the functional adult be realized. Paying close attention to the dreams of the wounded child informs the healer when the time has come to move forward and through the adaptive child’s resistance. Finally, pay attention to when a client tests you during the process. This is long-term strategic therapy.
Incredible content as always. NICABM is the best resource I’ve ever come across for learning about trauma and childhood experience.
So clear and helpful for my clients.
Thank you SO much for this series…I have found it incredibly rich and helpful…
Main “take-aways”
“You dont have to trust….you have earned your distrust….it’s fine with me …you dont know me….I have to earn your trust…I can still work with you…As long as you can you work with me….
Peter Levine…his exercises for self soothing
Section on Abandonment
The faces and the energy of the various practitioners are staying with me ….so much was shared without words ….
And…ultimately that love is what heals….
Many people experience the “adaptive child” as their “Inner Critic”. The perfectionism and blaming/shaming style is an immature effort to control and stay safe. Recognizing the positive intention of this part and offering compassionate education and coaching on managing self and influencing others in a more sophisticated manner is essential.
Nando Raynolds, MA LPC
Great overview- thanks! I also agree that positive adaptive attributes could also b mentioned- or do you believe the positives only come from the adult?
This is one of the best presentation of trauma and how it manifests in adulthood that I have ever seen. I have lived trauma and worked with trauma and Terry has been able to capture in one graphic all the emotions and tangible ways in which it rears it’s head and plays out in real time. Thank you for providing such a wonderful image to both refer to and share with others in conversation at work and at home. In gratitude….
Dana ~ I hear and see you. I am only now learning why being that adaptive child comes to be. I see my self in this graphic particularly in how the adaptive child is bot the best one to for an adult to model after.
I see the integration of the adaptive child into the surviving and successful adult as a critical transition to make healthy and satisfying, safe relationships.
The adaptive child as the target rings sooo true! The graphic is very helpful in laying out the motivations and purpose of her responses. AND understanding the reasons why these responses do significantly impact relationships here and now.
The dissonance created when she comes out is so challenging when she isn’t honoured and repurposed.
Great teaching aid and insight developer.
I found the functional adult had the most impact.
Wow. So very grateful for your work! As a new counselor this is so helpful. As a mom of a traumatized child, I feel like this is guidance we can use. Thank you!
I like the analogy of the adaptive child, however it does not come across as lovable. Its defences are described as self-centred and aggressive. Would one want to identify with an adaptive child and be compassionate with it? Even the therapist may be challenged and I can see the gap widening, the one which allows empathetic responses and acceptance of the client belonging into the same ‘ingroup’. By picking up primarily on negative attributes it may promote to widen the gap between us, the therapists and the them as ‘imperfect’ clients. I wonder whether the wording could thus be improved or some positive attributes in its description added?
I really appreciate the point you are making. Thank you.
It’s interesting you point this out bc I had the opposite thought. I always frame all those “negatives” as positives through the perspective of trauma/abuse. Then I contrast that with what kind of skills would work better for the client now that they aren’t the child and don’t have to be aggressive to protect themselves. All my clients when I frame it like this all seem to immediately soften and find self compassion bc they realize they aren’t angry as a personality trait but a learned behavior. It’s very relieving when someone learns they can unlearn what they don’t like. I appreciate your perspective bc I will be aware that if I share this without context it could be very off putting to some.
Thanks for your replies. I am sure that the fawn, please/appease and freeze type will accept your explanations; the flight type will have already run away. The one who adapted to the fighting response with narcissistic traits will also unlikely to be found in therapy.
In essence the adaptive child one will most likely find in therapy is being told about its defects like once its parents did, reaffirming original believes and shaming. Feeling anger, I keep reading in Peter Levine books and hearing from other presenters, is the next stage of recovery from the freeze response when completing the trauma response cycle. Anger should not be dismissed as negative but seen as healthy defence. The individual adapting to fawn and freeze more likely need to relearn their boundaries and befriend anger rather than being told that they are aggressive, this contrary to what this infographic implies. And they are also being told to be harsh and self-centred. Sounds like more ‘food’ for the shy inner critic. I don’t think that I would like to show it to a trauma/CPTSD victim in its present format without ‘softening’ and rephrasing.
Well said. Thank you!
Allison Marie, Please continue to do what you do. It sounds to me, you’re already on the right track and helping those who see you.
There are so few practitioners who appreciate the “mirrored experience” of the trauma survivor or psychological gymnastic needed to appear “normal” under those childhood circumstances.
I believe some of the “professional disconnect” comes from the transition from the old Bio/Medical model to the inclusive understanding of the Bio/Psycho/Social model. If we put the childhood experience into context, one realizes most survivors have lived with the burden of blame & shame put on them and (on some level) know it was never their fault. (the big secret they guard & defend) The “maladaptive” behaviour is an immature interpretation of what would be the best solution, in the moment… Try telling any teenager (the approximate age/mentality of the “Adaptive Child”) they are wrong… Now, appreciate the adult survivor has been white-knuckling those beliefs for their lives…sometimes, it’s all they have. Best to you & thanks for what you do.
Good point about being alert to unintentional shaming, but hopefully most therapists know how to present an idea without making it pejorative, and they’ll be alert to how a client/patient is taking a piece of education. For this, I’m reminded how my best teachers back in behavioral training reminded us that the behaviors that bring us into therapy are all things that used to “work”; the only actual problem is that they don’t work so well now. If we apply the same perspective to the “adapted child”, we can affirm that what she/he learned to do did actually work up to a point, realistically acknowledge that partial solutions created new problems over time but they are problems to *have* rather than problems to *be*, and we’re not going to blame things that seemed for all the world like help at first for not “knowing” they would get out of balance later.
Thank you for the info Graphics!
I appreciate viewing various materials in addition to the podcasts.
This gives a bird’s eye view of the differing maturity levels that we may relate to in response and or behavior patterns to trauma.
I found it interesting to recognize my own behaviors that have either become functional, that were not in the past. And/or, to recognize those that still show opportunity for healthy growth.
Thank you for offering this program and supplementals.
I think the adaptive self would be the most difficult to self recognize 🗝
I think the adaptive self would be the most difficult to self recognize 🗝
Also, what is the mechanism re being unable to learn new skills as an adaptive child?
Why does the adaptive child identify with the aggressor? (as opposed to reacting only)
My guess is it would be the only way the child knows to keep safe : imitate \ adapt to the persecutor. The child may have no alternative role model or refuge from abuse. If you can’t beat ’em, join ’em.
Thank you so much for this….so clear and helpful
I find your info graphics so helpful, easy to understand for clients due to the brief yet ‘spot on’ descriptions and the pictures for those that learn visually. Thank you for making these accessible to everyone.
Rose Marie Couturier
I am in Australia, and also really like listening to Tara Brach and decided to resume listening. I have just bought a short program from NICABM on shame, and am finding it very helpful. I would love to heal the relationships with my two brothers, each married with adult children some of whom also have children. This has not been easy, as our family was programmed to blame me. And I accepted from a position of please and appease and collapse and submit.
It seems clear to me that to accept all the inner parts (Internal Family Systems Stephen Porges) and remain in the Self will be a key step.
Je vous souhaite la bonne chance.
I’m grateful to view the info graphic and will strive to learn more about the adaptive child.
This is really helpful and easy to understand, makes such sense and will really help my clients to understand.
I would have loved to have joined the gold programme as I work with trauma in the UK and benefitted from one of the webcasts tgat I was able to access. Unfortunately, being semi retired due to a health condition, the costs of the gokd package are prohibitive. Would be great if you could offer a concessionary rate?
this is wonderful! one of the best nutshells I have ever seen.
I respect your resilience! However, I urge you to ask around. Many therapists will work for a reduced fee for people unable to afford their standard fees.
I wish you well in your search for health.
Thank you so much. Your infographics are always so helpful for my clients.
Je suis dans la même situation que vous. Mon thérapeute est Jean-Pierre Marceau sur le Boul St. Joseph à Montréal
Thank you for this graphic. Terry Real is a fabulous teacher, and his work with couples is amazing. People may also find the work of Thomas Huebl interesting, as his focus on collective trauma demonstrates how the lack of integration in ourselves/patients is reflected in major issues we face as society. Individual trauma work is the way to begin the healing for us all. Thank you for this series. I am a survivor of early childhood sexual abuse, and — despite a successful career — have had seriously negative personal outcomes from poor therapy. This series has been enormously helpful to me.
This is brilliant!!! I have found that one of my biggest tasks is to teach clients the dark side of resiliency. This is a difficult task, especially in a world that teaches people to “suck it up,” “get over it,” “pull up your bootstraps,” etc. I have referred to this as the Resilient Part, and it often blocks the work we do in therapy because it minimizes the wounds. This resource will help me to explain this concept. Thank you so much!
Great infograph. The course has really opened new perspectives for me on various freeze responses.
I am really looking forward to the last session to learn how to process a clients shame for their freeze response during childhood sexual abuse and the shame which their adaptive child has caused, in their adult relationships, having “please and appease” (promiscuous) affairs with aggressor type (narcistic) partner(s).
Thank you for your input. I have come back to your comment several times because it has helped me to understand some of my maladaptive behavior a little bit better, while removing some of the self-blame and shame I’ve always attached to it. It feels like a logical explanation, and while I have learned to embrace the parts of me I hated, I still struggle with believing that I am not entirely to blame for my unhealthy behavior. I have stopped dating because of the fact that I am drawn to destructive types. Until I can trust myself, I will stay single.
The use of rain in the infographic is very clever, since rain is associated with tears and the need for protection, but also is needed for growth and developement. As long as we have the right protection, the ambrela, we can “sing in the rain” and even have someone walk with us under the ambrella.
I was also reminded of self care model of RAIN by Tara Brach which is all about self compassion.
So let it rain…
Hannah,
I so appreciate your reference to rain being needed for growth and development…actually your entire analogy. Thank you! That really did it for me.
The distinction between the wounded child and the adaptive child is very helpful. The need to protect the wounded child is obvious – but the development of the adaptive child to fill this role has been overlooked for so long. The little graphics and associated bullet points are very effective.
Thank you all for this exceptional learning package.
After watching your sessions, the parts language used here implies to me that this info graphic applies to clients with Dissociative Identity Disorder and Other Specified Dissociative Disorder. Is this assumption correct or does every traumatized person have these parts? If so, what is the difference between these parts and the parts in DID/OSDD, besides having less integrated ability and capacity? How does one differentiate in case the parts language used here is not about DID/OSDD?
Thank you for posting your comments. I had similar thoughts and questions. I’m not well versed in Internal Family Systems but I do know that as a treatment for trauma, anxiety, depression, PTSD, and SUD that IFS views “psychic multiplicity as the norm” and that “we all have parts”, (Anderson, Sweezy, and Schwartz, 2017). I’m hoping the answers to your questions are provided in the broadcast. I need clarification too.
So insightful and clear … I wonder how subsequent trauma reinforces the adaptive child’s defence mechanisms. Again, it all hinges on acknowledgment – counselling after traumatic events for children esp would be so beneficial… thank you for sharing your knowledge.
This is such a clear way to show and explain the way the trauma impacts on the life of the adult – thank you. Enormous gratitude to Ruth and all her excellent therapists (and all the technical people) for offering these teachings to us all throughout the world. Following the positive change beginning for you in the US, hopefully a more caring and empathic attitude will start to permeate through all of our countries. I know there is a very, very long and difficult path for this. Warm wishes from Sydney, Australia
Thank you so much for this info graphic. It’s pretty clear where to begin and how to move forward in therapy.
Hallo, thank you, I’m very grateful for your message and the materials. I do work with adaptive child with my clients and I find it very helpful to show them how this part affects their current life and relationships. I’m looking forward to watch tomorrow’s lectures so to learn more techniques how to engage the functional adult. I’m very happy to have your course and I’m grateful for your work. Best regards to all psychotherapist taking part in this program. Greetings from Poland, Warsaw, Institute of Psychiatry and Neurology.