For many clients, the holiday season is all about connecting with family and friends.
But this year, with the US election not very far in the rearview, holiday gatherings might feel a little more emotionally charged. . .
. . . especially if your client has dear friends and family who are politically across the aisle.
So in the video below, Usha Tummala-Narra, PhD shares the questions she considers critical to ask, especially when it comes to helping a client navigate differing points of view with a loved one.
Another example is when with some of my clients who are racial minorities, who are struggling with people in their larger friend groups or their social media groups, who they thought were people who were really advocating for racial justice and who cared about them, and yet they’re voting in ways, or they’re supporting policies that feel really hurtful and it’s personal. It’s not something that’s out there. So these are some of the conversations that come up and when I’m trying to help my clients navigate this really complex terrain of how do you not take this personally? Right. In fact, they should take it personally, perhaps because it is about them. So I don’t want to dismiss the significance of what it means when somebody disagrees with you politically at this point, and yet, how do you continue to access the parts of those relationships that still give you meaning and connection and where you feel loved by that person and cared for by that person?
Because for that other person, it may not mean that they’re personally trying to target you or hurt you. They might simply see it as their perspective. So there’s this disconnect also that happens I think, within families and friend groups. And so there’s a way in which I think, obviously the client has to come to their own conclusions about what they want to do with that relationship. But in some cases they might need those breaks from those people. They might need to get away from communicating often with those people or trying to convince them of something because that causes another burden on them.
I have to think very carefully about whether I encourage a client to really have deeper conversations and be vulnerable with the people that they disagree with because sometimes the other person or people may or may not be open to hearing it. They might not actually see this as a vulnerable position for the client. And so we have to think about, well, to what extent will that other person listen to you and really hear what you have to say? What is your best guess at that? And try to reason out who to talk to. Some people might be more willing to hear it and some people probably won’t. And is it worth taking that risk? Is it worth expending your energy and talking about why a political perspective might have personal implications for you.
So I think it is important to balance out and weigh out really, what are the benefits for the client? What does the client need from that interaction? And if they’re looking for a total change of mind, that might not be realistic in a lot of cases, but in other cases it may be that just being able to talk about why it’s important for you, that your loved one understands your perspective with more depth, if that makes sense. And it’s risk worth taking, then I think it’s helpful.
Now this is just one perspective on working with political differences. For additional resources, please check out the links below.
But meanwhile, we’d like to hear from you. How have you helped clients navigate political differences with their loved ones? Please let us know in the comments below.
And in case you’d like to check them out, here are those additional resources:
https://www.nicabm.com/when-political-differences-hurt-relationships/
https://www.nicabm.com/political-differences-through-ifs-lens/
https://www.nicabm.com/political-differences-at-holiday-dinners/
I believe that the recent political conflicts are about fear. We may help our clients to identify their fears and the fears of the people who disagree with their political beliefs. We may be able to help our clients be empathetic towards their family and the people who disagree with them. In this way we can help others make connections and bridge divides instead of “bad othering” thinking.
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Hi. I live in an unfriendly area of California where people prefer to spend time with their family rather than to let a new friend like me in. So it feels very lonely today. I guess I could go out to a restaurant. I have already texted everyone I know. No response yet. What can you suggest?
I agree, this struggle has a lot to do with learning to not only tolerate but own our vulnerability, to balance bravely protecting ourselves with being bravely honest and true to our values, even when others may not respond as we wish they would.
My motto is, “Never be afraid to advocate for the good.” I believe these dialogues would be significantly safer and more beneficial if we were kindly and happily promoting the positive things that motivate and inform us. Yes, there is much that is wrong and dangerous in the world, but when we are calm and centered in our happiest ideals, everything in and around us naturally improves.
For me, the most helpful understanding has been about triangulation: that political and media figures generate resources, energy, and power, and justify their actions by creating narratives about who the heroes, victims, and villains are, and what MUST BE DONE in response. But the constant state of high activation this creates harms more than helps, in causing us distress, possibly damaging critical relationships, and preventing us from fully seeing all the truths and possible solutions before us. I try to stay faithful to my own ideals, while also holding my own stories as flexibly as I hold others’. I try not to assign anyone a role to play. No one is wholly good or bad, and we all are responsible for the choices we make, and their consequences.
Another perspective is that we have these differing opinions because, as a society, we need to solve a wide range of problems. I see the positive motivations of those with political beliefs “opposing” my own. I recognize that the issues they champion are valid concerns. I support them in pursuing solutions even when I disagree, and when I am pursuing other solutions to other problems that my experience have equipped ME to address.
This is also why I support a smaller federal government in favor of empowering states and individuals whenever possible. NO single candidate or office holder can ever truly solve a societal problem. They exert influence and exercise certain powers, but what really matters is the choices made each day by average citizens. Giving more power and focus to the lower levels enables us to experiment with a wider range of solutions, and implement them more efficiently. Having a greater ability to take effective action on a more local level, I expect, will bring communities closer together, and alleviate much of the frustration and helplessness we currently see.
Thanks for this Heather- so insightful and calming.
Good insight in your response. Thanks, Heather.
I have the impression that the first part you talk about is not being attented to in the given approach; I refer to: could it be that the other person dóes (still) love you, respects you ánd yes, votes in a way that’s not yours could stand next to eachother? And could you have contact or a conversation investigating it from that angle?
Do you think this could be a way to approach it with a client?