Trauma can leave clients with deep, debilitating feelings of shame.
And for clients who experienced trauma in early childhood, those feelings may have shaped their self-narrative for years.
So in the video below, Bessel van der Kolk, MD shares how he approaches trauma-induced shame that stems from childhood trauma.
Have a look.
The other thing is that – and this is in some video tapes I show to people regularly – the perpetrator that was living out there originally, comes to live inside of you. And so part of your coping with trauma is to have an internal critic who says, “Don’t mess up. You’re a terrible person,” to try to control yourself so other people will not do what they do to you.
So that internal struggle becomes a very core part of people’s internal reality. And the more you get down to things, the most hurtful thing is not what was done to them, but how ashamed they feel about their own reactions.
“I saw my sister getting molested and I didn’t do anything. I was too scared,” or “I saw my mom being beaten up and I didn’t hit my dad to stand up for her” or whatever. Kids make causal connections. As an adult, you feel like you should have done something and not until you get to deeply experience what that one-, two-, three- or five-year-old kid went through and you really get to know, “Oh, that kid was too scared to stand up for themselves,” or “that kid was too small” or “that kid didn’t have a chance.” You need to revisit the situation and really get a feeling of, “Man, that kid didn’t have a chance. But if I had known then what I know now, I would’ve stopped it. But I’m 54 years old. I’m a karate instructor.
Of course today I could stop it. But when I was four, I couldn’t.”
Kids always blame themselves and are very deeply ashamed about continuing to love their perpetrator and about not having done the right thing. It is always very much part of it. There’s a lot of focus on that stuff out there, but the issue is that it all starts living inside of you. The trauma is not a story about something that happened in the past. The trauma is how the past is alive and well and living in your body in 2022. It’s happening right now. How do you deal with these parts of you that are getting stirred up continuously right now?
For expert ways to transform shame with self-compassion, see our short course Cultivating Self-Compassion to Help Your Client Heal from Shame.
To hear more from Bessel and other masters in the field of trauma, including Dan Siegel, MD; Peter Levine, PhD; Pat Ogden, PhD; Allan Schore, PhD; and Ruth Lanius, MD, PhD . . .
. . . you can watch the FREE broadcasts of the Treating Trauma Master Series.
Here’s where you can sign up (it’s free).
Now we’d like to hear from you. How do you work with clients who suffer from trauma-induced shame? Please share by leaving a comment below.
But now we’d like to hear from you. What are your main takeaways from this video? How would you carry this into your work with clients? Let us know in the comments.
If you found this helpful, here are a few more resources you might be interested in:
Helping Clients Talk About Shame
[Infographic] Shame vs. Guilt – A Client Handout
How to Help Clients with Trauma Find a Sense of Belonging, with Bessel van der Kolk, MD
Excellent video, thank you. YouTube has much more on the subject.
Heard you this morning with Tauma workshop. Wonderful lecture… thank you
I have client with acquired brain injury. Experiencing several seizures a day. The seizures disappeared for three years and have returned with an emotional trauma in the family.
Her family physician has increased the maintenance dose of Ativan.
What would your thoughts on neurofeedback be as a resource for this type of trauma? Is there a resource you could suggest in Ontario? You referenced London in your lecture this morning.
Our there education credits available for attendance in your lectures? I am in private practice and it would be helpful with the College of Psychotherapy.
Best Regards
Deb Houston
Registered Psychotherapist
There are positive things that come from being in difficult situations too.
In addition to difficult stuff I carried around I also made spoken and unspoken resolutions to myself. One spoken resolution to myself was
Show those you love that you love them. Also tell them .
My husband and children, and I, have greatly benefited from this. June
Yes, Bessel van der Kolk has been sharing this message for many years and it is so helpful when clients come to understand this important piece of information. It is so common for clients to think of their trauma as out there, and not within themselves. Thank you again Bessel for this important message. I hope calling Dr. van der Kolk, Bessel, is not taken as a lack of respect for him and his work. His words and thoughts are whizzing through my head so often, he feels like a much valued good friend.
Linda J Orange, LCSW
Newport, OR
I really appreciate these offerings. Over time they have supported me in reframing my perspective and allowing for a deeper understanding and more hopeful take on a long family history of shame and abuse. Thank you so much
Great that shame is getting more airtime and visibility. Kelly and Lamia’s text “The Upside of Shame” is very helpful around therapeutic approaches and is built around Silvan Tomkins work and Don Nathason’s “Shame and Pride”
Such truth.
Beautiful insights presented with clarity and kindness ; as always with Bessel.
Oh, how wonderful it is to see these small golden bits of wisdom, even after being a therapist for over thirty years. Thank you for making them free which is a huge gift for those who work with trauma and those who are the victims of trauma. Sincerely and with great respect to you Bessel…Dr. Brenda Saxe, Ottawa, Ontario.
Is there a way for me to get a printable copy of the full transcript, please? Thank you so much!
Hi Danielle, please email us at respond@nicabm.com to receive a printable version of the transcript for this clip.
Thank you for the short video. The book “The body keeps the score” is fantastic. It has changed my view in so many ways. Thank you very much.
I agree , we’ve learned so much with this book on PTSD and videos about the many complexity
Thank you. Knowing all that already the framing is different from what I was saying to clients and I truly appreciate these clips to improve my own practice.