When a client experiences trauma in childhood, and they aren’t able to develop crucial attachment relationships . . .
. . . they may struggle to feel any true sense of belonging right up through adulthood.
Instead, they can carry painful messages that they’re unwanted, unneeded, and never truly accepted.
So in the video below, Bessel van der Kolk, MD, shares something that he’s seen introduce a sense of belonging to clients with insecure attachment histories.
Take a look.
The place where I see that dissolve or sort of be mitigated is in the theater work that we do. When people join theater or possibly join tango dancing groups (but I don’t study that), you play different roles, and you get to see how what you do causes you to be part of the team.
And so you need to have experiences where you are required to be there and to perform actions that earn you a place in the group. I think music, dancing, and theater are ways in which you get a visceral sense of, “Well, I play the flute. And if I don’t play the flute at this right moment in the orchestra, the orchestra falls apart. They need me.” And then they do a good job, and people say, “Wow, that little flute solo was so great.”
So being an active member of a critically important group of people where you are necessary in order for it to function can instill some of that sense of being a worthwhile member of the group.”
If you found this helpful and would like to hear more from Bessel and other top experts (like Allan Schore, PhD; Dan Siegel, MD; Pat Ogden, PhD; Ruth Lanius, MD, PhD; and more) about how to help clients build secure attachment after trauma, click here.
Now we’d like to hear from you. What are some ways that you help clients who feel like they don’t belong? Please let us know by leaving a comment below.
Fascinating. Another group that is critically important and where members are required to show up and perform actions that enable it to function as a cohesive unit and, in some cases, save lives, is the military. This career field or something similar such as the first responder community is a place many people who have felt unwanted earlier in life can thrive. I don’t think it implies healing has necessarily taken place but is an environment that previously rejected members of society can get on their feet psychologically and learn they are capable of so much more than they give themselves credit for.
And I think of the words near the end of the film ‘Good Will Hunting’ spoken by Robins Williams to Matt Damon: “This is not your fault. None of this is your fault.” It’s not until Matt can really take this in, deeply, that he’s freed up to go… into his life.
I’m really really confused about this I still have issues with my life and I don’t have any idea what is considered y healthy life and also having trouble with feeling like I’m mennt to be in the world
I find if they are committed to a DBT group it can foster that sense belonging and acceptance in a safer space than what they were used to. It can build the foundation for a new sense of self where they DO belong.
I like the application used, playing an instrument, drama, dancing actually builds in clients a sense of belonging. A simple and yet profound concept. Plan to use this example in sessions.
How would these technics work in seniors?
As well.as providing a sense of belonging, I think it is also.about being mirrored in healthier ways than the client will have experienced. To be appreciated, valued and watched with a non hostile gaze. Albeit, this will also be threatening and will bring up feelings of contempt and anxiety, yet over time could become nurturing, if the client could find ways to keep.themselves regulated through acknowledging the painful feelings that will arise.
Thank you for your insight. Where is the line between connecting to provide ego fulfillment (narcissistic) , need to help others ( co-dependent). and from being authentic ( true/divine self) ?
I struggled with this question myself before becoming a therapist.. What helped me was focus on loving and respecting the other person.. If my motivation was selfish, then it was wrong.. I spent much of my life in co-dependency. When I realized, this behavior was self serving, I could step back from pushing what I thought the person needed, when I thought they needed it.. If the ” I ” becomes before the ” you ” then that is a warning sign.. hope that helps… ps
Teresa, yes that’s such a good point. However, I’m assuming that van de Kolk is referring to how traumatized people, because of this feeling that they’re not worthy, and self blame, they attract people who are also not healthy and end up in abusive relationships or feeling terribly alienated from society.
That’s a different type of alienation that many of us feel from the abuses of the capitalist system we are now all suffering from, that leads people to poverty, substance abuse, and narcissistic or criminal behavior.
People with insecure attachments often can’t make the different types of friendships, casual, colleague, intimate, because there can be a level of suspicion, bitterness, or the opposite, unrealistic expectations…always looking for the unconditional love and support they didn’t get in childhood.
I do think you’ve hit on something that isn’t mentioned directly…and that is that the US has become increasingly a sick society that engages in too much escapism and has been dumbed down to such degree, as we have seen with the election of Trump, the insurrection, the Republicans who backed a pathological narcissistic criminal and the rise of an American version of fascism, and a healthcare system that’s completely corrupt. Those things alone can cause great angst and feelings of alienation, and for people with insecure attachments, that a double whammy.
This still misses the boat for clients with attachment trauma. It’s not about finding ways to fit in with a mostly not well society. It’s about accepting oneself, period. Then and only then will worthy people/relationships find that new, reborn self-loved person.
Totally agree with you. X
Hello Teresa Sapp, You both are correct! And I appreciate you going one step further saying, “it’s…accepting yourself”. This statement gets tossed around frequently and I ask, respectfully, how does one learn to accept themself? It sounds very fundamental but I will present this idea. When you have faced early trauma, the brain is wired for survival. The concept of self-love is nebulous and can remain that way into old age robbing us of fundamental human relationships…and love. A roadmap would be helpful. Thank you for your interest.
Totally agree. We need to start with self acceptance, and only when that foundation is laid, can we build a world reflecting our true self.
Ah yes, I hear that, altho for me these two factors have leapfrogged each other throughout my 57yrs. Singing to myself & others from the age of 3 was for sure how find a way to survive my childhood, however I distinctly & clearly remember that it was only when someone else WITNESSED & ACKNOWLEDGED my creativity re this (my Grade 3 teacher, who sang & played guitar) that I first FELT That I BELONGED to ANYONE, & for me that was the key moment I have built the rest of my survival on…..so I reckon it’s a chicken & egg conundrum. I do *not* believe it is possible for any human (or other mammal) for that matter, to flourish WITHOUT external nurturing & acceptance from SOMEONE. I tried to run away to live with my school bus driver when I was about 7yrs old, cos he was the very first person who was KIND to me, & seemed to value me as an individual being……
I have had clients make their own ‘welcome mat’ into life. Some have painted this, others have written their own welcome poem. I then invite curiosity about what it means to be welcome and welcomed and how a client can welcome all parts of themselves,ask how a client could activate their ‘welcome mat’ into their life, for example by pulling up a chair to a table, by going to an event and striking up a conversation, so there is a behavoural element on an incremental, stepping stone by stepping stone basis.
I also often use the lines of the poem ‘Desiderata’ as an introductory welcome mat to this….”Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here.”
Beautiful!! Thank you for sharing!
Thankyou so much for expressing your response 🙂
beautiful Kia, thanks for the idea and the share
I like your express “welcome mat to life”. We think of welcoming others, but I wonder how often we think inviting ourselves into situations as you mentioned. We tend to wait to be invited. I guess with personal growth in the attachment piece this is more likely to happen. Thanks for sharing.
Love it!