When a client experiences trauma in childhood, and they aren’t able to develop crucial attachment relationships . . .
. . . they may struggle to feel any true sense of belonging right up through adulthood.
Instead, they can carry painful messages that they’re unwanted, unneeded, and never truly accepted.
So in the video below, Bessel van der Kolk, MD, shares something that he’s seen introduce a sense of belonging to clients with insecure attachment histories.
Take a look.
So being an active member of a critically important group of people where you are necessary in order for it to function can instill some of that sense of being a worthwhile member of the group.”
For more expert strategies from Bessel van der Kolk, MD on working with trauma and attachment, check out this course.
Now we’d like to hear from you. What are some ways that you help clients who feel like they don’t belong? Please let us know by leaving a comment below.
If you found this helpful, here are a few more resources you might be interested in:
How to Recognize Childhood Trauma, with Bessel van der Kolk, MD
I also use Dr BJ Fogg’s approach:
I celebrate when I feel the disappointment at co regulation failures in my childhood.
I celebrate when I feel the sadness that those failures caused me.
I celebrate when I feel the loss and the fear which recognizing that loss causes me. I celebrate because going through this pain allows me to find myself, find the love buried next to my loss, find my vital self.
Then I have the chance to deal with reality in a firm, effective, compassionate, successful way for me and for others.
If I am alive I have had some good loving experiences in my life or I would not be alive. That is true Even and Especially in MePatient. So when I can feel the disappointment with some or many others and then have the courage to feel the sadness that that acknowledgement causes I have the ability to find the remnant of that love I did experience in myself with MeTherapist . You Therapist is the creator and catalyst of my excavation process. Thank you.
I find that some “not belonging” is from trauma, and other is situational. So for instance, (no trauma in my childhood other than normal imperfect parents) My belonging was based on “DOING” things in a group. As I get older (age 86 now), I cannot bake for others all the time, drive to meetings at night, carry heavy dishes around at the funeral lunches at church, etc. There are small things I do, but my internal self does not think it worthy of belonging. I need to let my self know that BEING – being empathic and caring, being present, contributing ideas, etc, also make me worthy of belonging, not just DOING
Hi Karen
I am so inspired by your insightful comment and the fact that at 86 you are still growing. Thank you! And may you be blessed with the satisfaction of deeply knowing that your being is enough!
If “self acceptance” is key, than how about the freedom and release of accepting that one does not “belong” anywhere or with anyone, that one does not need to be liked to be happy, or to please people — which might sometimes (unexpectedly) even bring a bit of respect.
So even saying “no” to transgression of boundaries can get easier (ie possible for the first time…) It doesn’t need to involve any emotion: just standing one’s ground as tbough it mattered enough to be calm and confident in doing so. Then you can see the narcissism and entitlement driving others to get what they want regardless of how anyone else feels.
I felt a great liberation in deciding 30 years ago that I was not going to seek any more sexual relationships because they were so emotionally painful, they were pointless — so wanting them was itself insane. And it was hard not to conclude that it wasn’t all these disappointing, emotionally immature men who were at fault, so much as my own unerring instinct in falling for the wrong ones.
And my complete inarticulacy with all of them regarding anything I might feel I wanted from them (“needed” from them being an absolute no go area): including with those very few who might have been the right ones. Had I been a lot different from who I was, or from what I was capable of.
It’s liberating to accept OK I might be regarded as both odd and lonely by most people’s standards, but so what — I don’t feel lonely. As a once “only” child of a mother who didn’t want children and a father who I now believe had Asperger’s, living on their permanent battlefield I felt unloved and unlovable, less important in their scale of values than the furniture, the carpets and the cat.
But aged 19 I finally escaped — to 400 miles away. To discover that “escape” — the idea that had kept me going for nine years since I stopped speaking (no point) aged 10 — was no answer. Because I had taken all my problems with me. Cue decades of depression.
But you know what? I don’t care any longer! LOL
Because at last I accept myself just as I am. And dealing with CPDST in the form of TMJ and hyperacusis, spinal osteoarthritis, chronic fatigue syndrome and fibromyalgia (to mention a few), is now a fascinating internal exploration of muscles stuck in a lifetime’s high tension — and learning how (bit by bit) to let them go. Aided by a kundalini reawakening which rewards “letting go” of tense muscles by vibrating them at sunrise every morning.
Today was a breakthrough: after two years the vibrations finally reached my jaw / TMJ — and then even my eyes, equally strained. My face is slowly evolving / dissolving from a stiff & aching wooden mask into something softer, more like flesh. And then I cleaned the path outside. And it was gloriously sunny. And I even got up the hill (a big effort) to buy food. Such a great day!
Wow Gabriel, thanks for sharing. I’m sorry your parents weren’t able
To give you the love and acceptance you deserved.
Interestingly, I have felt quite a lot of emotional flashbacks and feeling invisible, unwanted and unimportant playing in orchestras. I guess it depends who is leading it too, and what the culture is of the group.
I used to speak about some of the thing I need. I had a boyfriend who used to say: the people who need most, you don’t hear them saying it, they don’t have a voice to raise . I disagreed because I needed things at the time. Now years are gone. I need more. But I m not even saying it anymore .. So he was right in some real and sad ways. at work too, I see. the people who don’t ask for help are the ones they need help most but we often miss to help them using the wrong approaches and so on.
Could we please leave out the politics and stick to helpful information to help the struggling patient? Thank you
Thank you nicabm for this useful video and transcript.
Fascinating. Another group that is critically important and where members are required to show up and perform actions that enable it to function as a cohesive unit and, in some cases, save lives, is the military. This career field or something similar such as the first responder community is a place many people who have felt unwanted earlier in life can thrive. I don’t think it implies healing has necessarily taken place but is an environment that previously rejected members of society can get on their feet psychologically and learn they are capable of so much more than they give themselves credit for.
And I think of the words near the end of the film ‘Good Will Hunting’ spoken by Robins Williams to Matt Damon: “This is not your fault. None of this is your fault.” It’s not until Matt can really take this in, deeply, that he’s freed up to go… into his life.
The very first thing out of the mouths of the last three therapists I saw was “it’s all your fault, everything bad in your life is your fault, you picked your parents!!”. “if you don’t accept this you will never heal”!! I never saw them again, and one was a PTSD expert!! A former police officer!!
I find if they are committed to a DBT group it can foster that sense belonging and acceptance in a safer space than what they were used to. It can build the foundation for a new sense of self where they DO belong.
I like the application used, playing an instrument, drama, dancing actually builds in clients a sense of belonging. A simple and yet profound concept. Plan to use this example in sessions.
How would these technics work in seniors?
See my answer 8 or 10 up the column toward the top.
Karen Hamp
As well.as providing a sense of belonging, I think it is also.about being mirrored in healthier ways than the client will have experienced. To be appreciated, valued and watched with a non hostile gaze. Albeit, this will also be threatening and will bring up feelings of contempt and anxiety, yet over time could become nurturing, if the client could find ways to keep.themselves regulated through acknowledging the painful feelings that will arise.
Thank you for your insight. Where is the line between connecting to provide ego fulfillment (narcissistic) , need to help others ( co-dependent). and from being authentic ( true/divine self) ?
I struggled with this question myself before becoming a therapist.. What helped me was focus on loving and respecting the other person.. If my motivation was selfish, then it was wrong.. I spent much of my life in co-dependency. When I realized, this behavior was self serving, I could step back from pushing what I thought the person needed, when I thought they needed it.. If the ” I ” becomes before the ” you ” then that is a warning sign.. hope that helps… ps
This still misses the boat for clients with attachment trauma. It’s not about finding ways to fit in with a mostly not well society. It’s about accepting oneself, period. Then and only then will worthy people/relationships find that new, reborn self-loved person.
Totally agree with you. X
Hello Teresa Sapp, You both are correct! And I appreciate you going one step further saying, “it’s…accepting yourself”. This statement gets tossed around frequently and I ask, respectfully, how does one learn to accept themself? It sounds very fundamental but I will present this idea. When you have faced early trauma, the brain is wired for survival. The concept of self-love is nebulous and can remain that way into old age robbing us of fundamental human relationships…and love. A roadmap would be helpful. Thank you for your interest.
Totally agree. We need to start with self acceptance, and only when that foundation is laid, can we build a world reflecting our true self.
Hello Teresa,
I think my (rather long) answer about “self acceptance” was meant for you: sorry I posted it randomly rather than in reply to you. I completely agree with you.
Exactly Teresa! Communities can help, but sometimes the survivor feels just as, or even more alienated, in those groups. Hopefully there is a friend, partner, therapist, who can let the client know they are loveable/acceptable just the way they are, and they can mirror that within themselves.
I have had clients make their own ‘welcome mat’ into life. Some have painted this, others have written their own welcome poem. I then invite curiosity about what it means to be welcome and welcomed and how a client can welcome all parts of themselves,ask how a client could activate their ‘welcome mat’ into their life, for example by pulling up a chair to a table, by going to an event and striking up a conversation, so there is a behavoural element on an incremental, stepping stone by stepping stone basis.
I also often use the lines of the poem ‘Desiderata’ as an introductory welcome mat to this….”Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here.”
Beautiful!! Thank you for sharing!
Thankyou so much for expressing your response 🙂
beautiful Kia, thanks for the idea and the share
I like your express “welcome mat to life”. We think of welcoming others, but I wonder how often we think inviting ourselves into situations as you mentioned. We tend to wait to be invited. I guess with personal growth in the attachment piece this is more likely to happen. Thanks for sharing.
Love it!
I am a survivor and also someone preparing to start a Masters in Clinical Mental Health with the intention of working as a psychotherapist. I find that your approach resonates with me.
My experience is that Van Der Kolk’s suggestion regarding theater, musical groups and similar team experiences has many caveats.
For example, what if a client experienced persistent social exclusion, bullying or other forms of relational aggression at school, a religious congregation, or community children’s group in addition to trauma such as abuse or neglect that both clients and clinicians usually think of as primary?
An approach that allows clients to begin imagining what an experience of welcome in the world might look and feel like for them in small, safe ways that clients themselves imagine and choose helps create a sense of agency, healthy risk, safety and competence. Those small steps can often be more effective than larger leaps, even if the leaps into team experiences have positive outcomes. The frequent repetition of small steps toward self-embrace and the relational openness it takes to experience internal and external welcome creates a shift in the body-mind-heart-brain that will endure over the long haul even though clients and clinicians may initially take longer to notice/acknowledge the shift.
In an earlier part of my journey toward healing, I joined a theater group, and I found the experience to be overwhelming and ultimately painful and unhelpful. For example, we were encouraged to invite significant others to the first performance with a celebration with them afterward.
I asked several people to attend, none of them could, and so I found myself repeating a pattern from my childhood and adolescence when no one attended important life events like performances, graduations or award ceremonies in support of me.
I found my experience of welcome instead at a local drop-in meditation group I eventually helped to facilitate. I felt like people appreciated me just for me. I experienced others sharing kindness and receiving my offering of kindness. There was very little emphasis on “good” performance essential to make the group work. That was one of the big reasons I felt so welcome, accepted and comfortable in my own skin in that group.
I don’t think Van der Kolk is necessarily off the mark, but his take on establishing or restoring a sense of belonging should be given nuance and should closely account for clients histories related to group and team experiences. As always, the client should be encouraged to creatively strengthen and use their sense of agency at a pace that makes sense for them in the task of self-embrace and finding belonging with others.
I agree with you and the OP. I think that as there are different levels and types of trauma that the treatment, of course, is going to be different for everyone.
I was just speaking to one of my children (an adult who has experienced a childhood trauma, and great success in theatre and choir, both) about the importance of children being on a team such as choir, band, theatre, etc. That doing so teaches the individual so much, including belonging. All of my 5 children were on such teams, even sports teams, throughout their childhoods. They are all doing pretty well considering their early traumas (divorced parents, absent fathers, for starters), and considering that 3 are on the spectrum.
Here’s the *but*
But I could not ever find my own belonging or welcome on similar teams. It always added more trauma to be on a team like that, for me. Due to something I have come to call the Black Ball Syndrome*, I was unable to learn the required steps, songs, lines, moves, and so on, and therefore felt even more shame, inadequacy and fear, and quite often hid during rehearsals and performances so I could avoid facing the tremendous negative feelings, other teammates, or heaven forbid, audience members. Even now the thought of engaging in something wherein I need to learn the lines or steps for is so frightening to me. But, I can participate quite easily and well in support group type situations in any of the roles beit; facilitator, peer mentor, attendee, or facilitator support. Basically, I can lead, follow, support, or have my own needs, but only in a casual setting where I don’t have to remember where and when to be and then perform my part. I think the reason behind this is because as a child I was already trying desperately to remember my “lines” and place, as it were, in an attempt to survive whilst living a double life of severe complex trauma behind closed doors, yet appearing to the world as part of the perfect family. I already had a primary role. I couldn’t add another, I guess is what I’m saying.
So, I agree with both. It depends on how the client responded to their trauma as a child, and now as an adult trying to break out of old patterns and habits, and whether or not it adds more trauma or adds value to their life now, and not just the child part.
As a trauma mentor I’ve found with my clients that quite often they have within them both parts as well; the type that can picture themselves in a performance type setting, and those who need to find a different approach to belonging. For example, one client created a “school” where her junior high school aged part could belong in the groups they wanted to at that age. The other participants were untraumatized parts within her, and traumatized parts, both. This gave the teenaged part the opportunity to be a healer/mentor to her parts, as well as be served by her parts, simultaneously. The breakthrough she experienced during session was remarkable.
*Black Ball Syndrome can best be described as one’s childhood trauma forming such a big bowling ball in front of your face (the ball representing the trauma), that all you can see IS the trauma/ball. It obscures your vision or ability to learn, understand or internalize anything else because you cannot see around it, over it, through it. Nothing. And not much makes it to you from an external source, either. Just the most basic survival skills and coping mechanisms are available. Basically you have dissociated to the point that you’re learning or performing abilities are very limited.