A history of abandonment can cause even the most successful clients to question virtually every social interaction.
So how can we help these clients move forward with confidence – both in their relationships and within themselves?
In the video below, Joan Borysenko, PhD shares the strategy she used to help one client overcome patterns of insecurity in his relationships, despite his fear of abandonment.
Take a look.
And so here’s what that would mean, there was ambiguity for Roger, “Am I liked or not.” Then he would project his abandonment issue onto the situation and decide, most usually, that he had been ignored or patronized or disrespected. And so he learned just to name that, “There it is. Here’s abandonment, and that’s what my story is about. It’s an abandonment story and it comes up all the time and it feels absolutely real. But I have to question it because clearly it’s not always real.” So that just learning to question the story by naming it, there it is. The abandonment issue was terrific, because it does come down the amygdala and it creates a space for curiosity to be a little bit more mindful. Even if I really think I was being dissed, there’s just a possibility I have to entertain that maybe I wasn’t.
So then the next stage is to say what Roger would say, he’d remind himself, “This is something that creates a problem in my life. It’s difficult for my wife. It’s a point of conflict and I need to heal it.” So that’s kind of a reframe. It’s like, “Okay, I’m going to do this because I have to heal this pattern.” And then finally, the claiming part. He claimed the ambiguity by saying, “The truth is, I’m not sure whether this person liked me or not, but whether they did or not, it all comes down to me. Do I like myself? And can I claim that I’m a good person regardless of what other people think of me? And he put it up on a piece of paper, he told me, and he hung it on his office wall, what to do when the abandonment story comes up. So, there you go.
For more expert strategies on working with the fear of abandonment, check out this course featuring Steven Hayes, PhD; Peter Levine, PhD; Bessel van der Kolk, MD; Dan Siegel, MD; Shelly Harrell, PhD; and more.
Now I’d like to hear from you. How have you worked with abandonment in your practice? Let us know in the comments below.
How do you from being help an adult survivor of Munchausen By Proxy?
The family has taken over where the parent left off,( after her passing from old age.)
This is a type of trauma that no one talks about it, yet is a common problem.
I like this technique and will try it soon with a client. Thank you for sharing it.
This is a great video and Joan Borysenko has this calmness in her to speak about the tragedy that can happen for many family, abandonment and trauma this gives perspective and healing. Thank you NICABM.
I am a recovery Coach dealing with a lady with abandonment issues. I watched the video with her in mind. But I was listening about myself!!! OMG!
YUP, the shoe fits, so I guess I am going to put them on. LOL. Hopefully it will help the both of us.
As I became older, I wanted to get to know my Mom. My mother had 9 children. I am the youngest of them all. My mother worked everyday leaving at 7am and returning at 5pm. Every day upon her arrival myself and sisters would prepare dinner. So every night we had dinner some at the table, some in the family room with our Mother. What
I learned on my journey . I wanted the Brady bunch family. The closeness, family dinners together and my mom home when we came home from school. As I grew up I came to realize that was my dream and not my Mothers. I then wanted my Mother to recognize me as an adult women where we could have great discussions about different conversations. We could agree to disagree and still come together. It was difficult because my Mother was very controlling. At first, I learned to put boundaries and not accept my Mother’s controlling behaviors. My Mother finally learned to accept myself as an adult Woman. I lost my Mother age 99 to cancer. I mourned her death however I am so glad I got to know my Mother who loved me unconditionally and myself for the courage to take the journey.
M Hakim, I thank you for reminding us that these “strategies,” are taken out of the whole context of therapy, and only effective in terms of the total relationship you have with your patient, including what is effective for this individual person given the nature of their particular trauma (acute, recent, childhood, chronic ?) and life experiences.
Learning the language of CBT, very foreign to people who are cut off from part of their emotional world, and and aren’t used to, and actually feel uncomfortable using different language, have little compassion for themselves, and learning to be in a healthy relationship with someone (therapist), perhaps for the first time, is not something to be “achieved,” with any one strategy.
CBT is often greatly misunderstood. Everyone uses CBT at some point during their day, otherwise they’d be dead. Psychoeducation, and learning lifelong skills (exercise, relaxation strategies, yoga, tai chi, healthy eating and sleep habits) and the therapeutic relationship which eases the pain of loneliness and fear, can help someone overcome trauma and lead productive life.
And you are correct that one has to learn how to stop the repeating patterns that become deeply imbedded in the brain, and become seemingly normal. There are many paths to stop the repeating visual, body sensations, and or frightening thoughts. Borysenko is presenting one such intervention, with a patient that she knew well, and to which there seemed a degree of trust.
Not always an easy task but thanks to the revolutionary work by Van de Kolk, Siegel and the therapists @ NICAMB there is more hope for our patients.
I am a 40 year old man I have very deep insecurities and I blame myself specially when ever I try to get a female to like me and accept me, I keep going over this feelings of being laughed at or being judged I tend to try too hard to come across as a secure and confident guy but is terrifying the fear of abandonment stems from not having my mother give me the love and assurance I needed also my father was not around, I had great grandparents took care of me and a sister that has been like a mother figure, currently working on my self image through affirmations and spirituality, I have overcome some disorders like social anxiety and body dismorphia but the one I struggle with still is romantic relationship.
100%
As a person adopted by a childless couple when I was two weeks old I THANK YOU for your response!
Sorting out abandonment issues from attachment issues can be tricky for adoptees.
As a parent of adopted kids, I also bristle at people always saying that my kids were so “lucky” to be adopted. Just ick. So many implications. I usually answer, “I don’t think of it that way. But I do feel lucky that I have been able to be their parent.”
Hello, About 8 or 9 years back I was in a very dark place in my life. I was abusing prescription medication and alcohol to escape my surroundings, get out of my deep thoughts, and also my only way of coping.
I was depressed, and angry, with suicidal tendencies, 3 attempts, and a lifetime of self-sabotaging patterns, not knowing why these patterns existed or believing their cause was from my neglectful abusive mother when things would fall apart always thinking that it was outside sources.
Until I said enough, I said to myself, “self, either get on with living or hurry up and die because I can’t exist here.”
I managed to pull out of the foggy haze I was walking around in most of my life. Now I’m an MHA/Social worker in a women’s shelter
But recent events have triggered old unhealed sexual childhood traumas, parts of me I thought were ok. Well, I had a meltdown and may have sabotaged my job. No idea how to get over the finishing line, these suppressed memories are too heavy and deep for me to untangle.
Hi Susan This is Bea from Switzerland. It sounds like you are going down a dark path. Do you consider getting help – do you know a therapist, who could help you? You must have access to lists of therapists, as you work in a shelter. With us here in Switzerland, we therapists are all bound in legal confidentiality terms, I guess with you as well. What else could keep you from seeking the help you need and deserve?
Hi Susan, I’m down southern Australia, I can imagine how discouraged & afraid you might be feeling post this trigger affecting your core self & maybe impact your job somehow – but you can use that s to go forward.
All of us have layers to peel off, this was one of yours that hadn’t fully been removed, this is also good to simply acknowledge as part of the healing process – for yourself & even to share with those you support & work with.
We have these chances to check if any remnants of trauma are there as they do blindside us and trigger shame or inadequacy.
I’m not in the best position myself but being on the outside of your situation, I can & do share with you the potential gift that is in this situation.
May your healing journey keep on with balance, clarity & gentleness.
Wanda 🐸
My work with clients who have a history of previous abandonment is centered within the therapeutic relationship. Since abandonment has not been experienced there yet, it is now a new start and a potential for new experiences.
I work on several fronts depending on the individual client and context. One area that I focus on is what the client believes about hope and positive change. Is human change possible, can humans help people change, and is it possible for you to change. In my view, clients that begin to believe change is possible for themself and others, may be more willing to be open and vulnerable about their previous loss experiences. This is also means that I move away, at times, from the expert/authority role and selectively share my loss/fear experiences. On one level, we are in the struggle together. Thank you, Dr. Todd.
How very very wise. Abandonment issues are I believe, primarily resolved, or at least ameliorated, by having loving solid others who give them the practice of NOT being abandoned and/or dismissed. Bravo Todd.