• Skip to primary navigation
  • Skip to main content
  • Skip to primary sidebar

NICABM home pageNICABM

Better outcomes. More quickly.

  • Home
  • Courses
  • Experts
  • Blog
  • Contact
  • Log In

A "Secret Kindness" Intervention for Working with Depression

149 Comments

Depression can rob our clients of the full, thriving lives we all hope for.

And so often, a depressed client will avoid the very people, places, and activities that once gave them pleasure.

In the video below, Steven Hayes, PhD describes a woman who suffered from both depression and anxiety. She started avoiding the business that she owned . . .

. . . until he gave her a simple, unique, almost playful assignment.

Take a look – it’s about 5 minutes.

To hear more strategies from top experts on how to work with depression, check out our full-length course: Overcoming Barriers to Healing Depression

What ideas are you going to use with your patients? Please leave a comment below.

Shares618FacebookTweetLinkedInEmailPin

Related Posts: Depression

Please Leave A Comment Cancel reply

This is a learning community for practitioners. We can’t wait to hear what you’re going to use with your clients.
But please do NOT:

  • Share about or seek advice for personal problems
  • Ask for referrals
  • Post links or advertise a product

149 Comments

  1. George Steinfeld says

    Best kind of charity is the privacy of when and how it’s offered including charity for self
    So do one kind and new thing and don’t let yourself glory in it
    Do it and let go sounds like good idea

    Reply
  2. Elise says

    Working at a substance abuse center, I find that most client suffer , I have been already promoting Kindness toward each other with the residents, but SECRET kindness sounds like a new approach I will try also. Meeting today for group and will begin fostering new idea!!! Thanks

    Reply
  3. Wholistic therapist says

    I am very greatful for your work and commitment Ruth… One thing that jumps out to me these days is actually calling people patients …. to me that is keeping them on a level, of we have what they need, thinking about the Hooponopono where the practitioner saw the people he was working with as already whole, and the effects that had, and how amazing healings happened… With the advanced reserch of the vibration of the words we use, this could be a very good place to start, when I am called a patient right away it give me a sence of weaker than, and we all know we only fasillitate a person to come to balance, and seeing them already healed, and holding space with the tools we use can be very powerful for them and allows us to relax …..and feel the love that heals stuck pain and energy…l.

    Reply
  4. Gail says

    I really like the way Steven thinks and the way he cares for his clients – its is very obvious the respect and care he brings to a session. This process makes so much sense – it helps the client to make decisions for themselves and to regard their own opinions as having value.

    Reply
  5. Judy Kropf says

    It is disconcerting watching this video by Steven Hayes as he talks about this interesting approach because he keeps looking up as if his script is somewhere up there and isn’t making connection with his audience.

    Reply
    • George Steinfeld says

      Separate the teacher from the teachingp

      Reply
    • Pamela Blunt says

      I thought he was just looking up when he paused as he was turning inward a little to a memory and finding words for the next things to say. Why do you think he was looking for a script? His face lit up at times, thinking about someone he was working with, obviously happy to see positive changes.

      Reply
  6. Pam says

    Encourage the secret kindness approach…

    Reply
  7. Lenora M. Wing Lun says

    Thank you. I love the connecting to the quality of being whilest doing a secret act of kindness.

    Reply
  8. Anya says

    For encouragement in kindness, check out Kindspring.org. While you can post kindnesses to urge others onward, you can also do acts of kindness secretly. People do both!
    It is a very affirming place, and research does show that witnessing kindness has a contagious effect. That helps those of us who struggle with doing kindnesses and saying anything, as if it were blowing our own horn, as they say.
    Knowing that we are just part of keeping the kindness ball rolling is also a great way to feel like part of something larger than your own world. Plus, it is FUN!

    Reply
    • Pat says

      I’m working with the lack of self esteem focussed on body image of one of my clients. She can’t imagine anyone finding her attractive which in her mind also equals ‘lovable’. I love Steven’s idea of secret here, between you and yourself. I would like her to develop an appreciation of her body. In all it does and how it functions so that she can really come to love her own body and the beauty that is there. That idea of giving in secret means that in her actions and behaviours she can first appreciate that in herself – and give of herself and feel good about that. When she is less anxious about pleasing others I would like her to notice what happens next! Yes!!

      Reply
  9. Judith Lansky says

    Sounds like it could create a lovely pattern of being kind,” just because……”

    Reply
  10. Elaine Jost says

    I like the idea of having a decision made internally (therefore it was my choice, not someone’s order) and kept secret, therefore away from being judged. I wouldn’ put an “every day” request, which is external. Waking up the kindness to self,especially compassion for self, may be a surprisingly new concept to a lot of clients.

    Reply
  11. Meaghan Ruddy says

    FYI that this is a concept in Aikido called intoku. 🙂

    Reply
  12. Beryl Cheal says

    I am an Educational Consultant with a community center in Amman, Jordan working with refugee (Iraqi, Syrian, and now Somali and Sudanese) families. As I designed the program for 6 to 12 year old girls (specially funded for this project) I melded together a kindness curriculum, focused games, and an emphasis on culture. As refugees many suffer from depression and anxiety. Steven Hayes ‘Secret Kindness’ suggestions will be very helpful to infuse into the program as we work with the girls to help them through their experiences of multiple traumatic events. Beryl Cheal, Seattle, WA

    Reply
  13. Crystal Frazee says

    At MindfulPainTelief.org I help women that feel trapped and frustrated by chronic pain reclaim their body and their life and feel alive. Often, clients with chronic pain have some degree of depression and do fear judgement of others about their abilities and have a strong inner critic. I will integrate the concept of practicing kindness daily towards the self in a way that isn’t outwardly visible to others. One particular client comes to mind that has low self-permission and struggles to create time to take care of her own needs since she has a family of four young children. This can help contribute to increased self-efficacy which is essential.

    Reply
  14. Emma Jane Booth says

    Excellent tutorial!!!thanks so much, very inspiring!

    Reply
  15. Kisha Kelly says

    I loved this piece on secret kindness. I work with children and adolescents what often have this anxiety that comes from trying to please demanding parents and see this helps to reach these children at the heart. They want to be heard and often feel no one is listening. This will give them a way to make a game of kind acts and help them cope with fears.

    Reply
  16. Georgeanne Lamont says

    Well what I do with my clients, when I have them as a team at work, to lift the low levels of depression and anxiety that happen at work, is play a game of Anglels and Mortals for a week/month. Its a beautiful game that I imagine many of you know. Each person puts their name in a hat and then each person takes a name out of the hat. That person is now your mortal for the month and you are their angel. Of course an angel must not be seen or known. so as an angel you are to gently shower your mortal each day with tiny delights but without their knowing where it is coming from so you ask other mortals to deliver your kindnesses – be it a song, a poem, a flower, a smile, a cuppa, a helping hand, a cup of tea, help with a report, listening, a lovely photo, a cutting form a plant. I still have plant grown from a cutting that an angel gave me from a care home ten years ago. I t creates such a sense of fun and incognito kindness, creativity and surprise.

    Reply
    • Julie says

      Love this! Thank you for sharing!

      Reply
    • arthur says

      lovely concept.

      Reply
    • Anya says

      Oh, I love this! I just need to figure out how to adapt it to my situation, which is not a group.

      Reply
  17. Ginger Ingalls says

    Even to have a client come to us is “exposure “. It almost doesn’t matter what happens in the session.

    Reply
  18. Adrian Brooks says

    As a Christian I find the act of prayer away to give secretly. I suffer from depression as a symtom of my Bi polar and life curcumstances. I think a big reason why people avoid others and their opinions/judgements is because a sense of powerlessness, as if the perspective of the ‘other’ will take over.

    Reply
  19. Dr Vasuprada Kartic Godavarthy says

    love this! I believed in this all along and have worked with the belief that Human beings are by nature Kind and Accepting. The learnt beliefs and values may clash with the inherent goodness leading to internal conflict and more often external too. The inability to cope and balance manifestos depression and Anxiety.
    They need a nudge in the direction to meet their true selves.
    Thanks

    Reply
  20. Jacquie says

    I love this – it goes along the line of ‘as we show kindness to others we ourself will arise’ …. I can totally see how this will help to soften someone.

    Reply
  21. Rev David Atkinson says

    This really aligns with my values and so I find it easy on the ears. Responding to anxiety and depression with an existential approach is very effective. Even as I write this my own inner critic is made voiceless as I exercise kindness and compassion to others, often quietly and unobserved.
    I like the way this encourages ‘action’ as a way of responding to fears. It is very empowering.
    I work with two main client groups, 1.sex offenders (as a therapist who is a priest) and 2.people excluded by society because of poverty, mental health challenges, cognitive deficits, social skills or ASD difficulties (as a priest who is a therapist).
    I feel equally empowered in both domains to encourage ‘existential action’ as a pathway to wholeness.

    Reply
  22. Angeles says

    To connect with the joy of giving without expectations! Loved it. I beleive is a very powerful tool. Can´t wait to try it with my clients. Thanks

    Reply
  23. Tessa says

    I appreciate how Dr. Hayes connected these two strategies and puts them into actions which are accomplishable. As long as the client is willing and can suspend doubt long enough to do the two elements, it seems like they will soon begin shifting. I especially like how he identified the differences in “good girl” and doing good in their eyes. Excellent video!

    Reply
  24. Patrice Dwyer M.S.W.,R.S.W. says

    I found this to be a very inspiring and useful strategy. I watched it three times before I decided that it would be useful to share it with my agency in the form of a post on our electronic newsletter for Health and Wellness.
    THank you for this.
    I expect that I have already tried to notice the “joy of connectedness” but now am working on “doing one new thing everyday” before I pass it on to my clients.
    Patrice Dwyer, M.S.W.,R.S.W.
    Ruth, I am reading all of your posts and mining them for inspiration! What a great way to learn!

    Reply
  25. Marie says

    Love this ! I am a big fun of Steven Hayes. Always such a pleasure to hear him, my mind feels more freedom. I am not a therapist, but still a patient searching to heal myself. I would like to share my experience with the harsh exposure vs the kind, gentle resource searching approach. I had been treated by the exposure therapy without having told me (I was a PTSD patient, I started to suffer more, my body jumped into a serious sickness that lasted for years). The approach and concept of cognitive therapies of Steven Hayes made me feel hope again and since that time I started to heal. I was in the time where I was “caught in the kind things” – I planned them. it was the first step in my healing, the rules. Then, I found the “effortless approach” -feel the kindness in a more natural way, do what feels good right now, not forcing my mind to “do it”. This approach has even better results. One day, I do a walk, another day I listen to the birds, another one I search some political news I like, another day I do nothing, then, I cuddle the cat,…before I planned it, before before I was told to be “a coward” not to be there where ” I should be” in my age. It scared me so much. I never had time to use my mind to help me with my internal states, to my internal worth, the divine value in me. I don´t want to be judged as an object….also, yes, I was sooo productive. I did so much as many people never did at my age. I was at my super-powers, and I was so judged by others. I did not allow myself to have a rest when my body was sick. I had to do, do, for others -being the good girl. (my narcissistic family heritage – I was an object, a slave to create their image). Being abused in childhood and judged for it in therapy, motivated by picking on me, did not make any healing for me. Also cognitive therapies can be those who bring the knowledge of very very sad things about the injuries that had been inflicted on oneself. I always feel listening to Dr. Hayes that my mind will help me in it, I don´t need to ruminate “how to solve the problem” all over and over (which my mind does), but actually it helps me to understand and bring me into the body, emotions to heal by being able to hold it in a safe way. Do it anyway, but in a more kind, safe way, no lying about “how parents did not know any better” etc. , how I did not make it as other people because ” I was too sensitive” etc. I am also of those abused people who had not been allowed to develop and explore my passions, my joy, who I am (the maternal incest). Most of people see me as a hopeless failure, some even think that I am stupid, an object one can push where they want to. They don´t get how much covert abuse there was in the family. I had been also told something the way that ” I don´t think right”….it discouraged me, as I believe into my mind (even though some parts had been abused). I believe that my mind will put me through (in a very respectful way, as in the IFS therapies). Find my passions and joy and who I am in a safe, slow way feels so good. This feels like being allowed to be the joyful child again and take conscious knowledge of it. It takes lots of time. I see that I don´t need to stop being the “giver”.
    Thank you so much, Dr. Hayes for bringing the hope.

    Reply
  26. Elin Bierly says

    Love this idea, especially the idea that it is a secret between you and the person in the mirror. I’m going to try a little myself first.

    Reply
  27. Linda @ Auspicious Fish Wellness Coaching says

    I love when I can tie a playful sense of experimentation to a client’s values, I find they gain the insight they needed to create a path forward.

    Reply
  28. Myriam Baker says

    very interesting –
    I am going to start to applying right away with many depressive clients I have…
    very empowering to the client

    Reply
  29. Joanne Nemecek, LMSW says

    This is a refreshing concept – I really appreciate the focus on the positive and of doing something. It connects to opposite action in DBT.
    Thanks!

    Reply
  30. Michael J. LaCoppola says

    Great therapy I practice this as much as possible and it does lift my spirits……Thanks a bunch!!!Mickey

    Reply
  31. Jane Cooper says

    AWESOME …love it love it love it

    Reply
  32. Dorothy says

    I’m going to go use this strategy right now with a girl at recess who has withdrawn herself form her group. She frequently tells them how depressed she is.
    Off to Recess:)

    Reply
  33. Lorelei Connors says

    Brilliant! Love it! Motivation for doing anything good must come from within or it will become a burden in short order.

    Reply
  34. Elise Bon-Rudin says

    Good and would have been even better if he’d taken 30 seconds more on a theory of depression that this intervention addresses. He spoke too briefly about this. Without grounding in a theory of depression or more generally a theory of the self, one is just proposing this & that.

    Reply
  35. sam says

    excellent suggestion- like others who mentioned this- I like the idea of the secret –

    Reply
  36. Carol Martenson says

    What a great approach. I have a patient in mind already.The notion that it is secret is the difference.
    Thanks for sharing this with everyone.

    Reply
  37. Andrew Vass says

    Yes this can help me unblend from my recalcitrant and egotistical parts. I am a stressful performer so a kind thing I can do for myself is ease up as I check-in to see how I’m doing. I like to have little mindful exercises to do at periodic intervals and this check-in on my kindness and kindliness is good.

    Reply
  38. Pam Gottschalk says

    This is a great idea. I love the idea of doing something kind “in secret.”
    Kindness is the oil that takes friction out of life.

    Reply
  39. Jill says

    Great way to look at depression and judgment. I like the idea of having the patient do something in ‘secret’ to remind them that internal joy / wellbeing of doing for others is the first place to start to then connect with others.

    Reply
  40. Jennifer Dietrich says

    I like this approach, particularly the secret.
    I often suggest that the person consider doing at least one activity a day that they enjoy, starting very small. The idea being to connect with lost pleasure, to be in the moment and having a sense of achievement at the end of the day.

    Reply
    • Marleen W says

      Hi Jenni. AcT appears to be very recent. Personally, I find it challenging to give myself into the arena of life and risk disappointment. This theorically could make a lot of sense as how it could bring a great sense of achieving, once successful…

      Reply
  41. Menique Perera says

    Love it! Steven Hayes is great as is ACT. Thank you for sharing this video.

    Reply
  42. Marina says

    As usual just a great recourse to approach self-critical patients!
    It makes us much healthier and happier when we just give and share to simply enjoy doing it.

    Reply
  43. Laurie Anderson says

    I have various clients with whom I plan to offer this concept. I am a playful person in session anyway, so this also fits my personal and professional values a well! Looking forward to seeing how each person responds to this opportunity to experiment with this concept.

    Reply
  44. Bonny Michel says

    Well, if a patient is suffering anxiety and depression, a creative experience like a short body awareness meditation to then lead into a drawing of a colored mandala might help the patient to let go a little of what it is that keeps the patient “stuck” sharing
    without blame.

    Reply
  45. Cyd Malouf says

    I am very grateful for the gentle Kind orientation of Stephen’s therapy! When there is already anxiety and depression this resonates very powerfully.

    Reply
  46. Judy says

    Love the value wheel and the finding of the positive in a gentle way
    so often dysfunction is the focus and i would like to suggest that this can destroy the soul
    Thank you for kindness to self

    Reply
  47. June Traibman says

    I have been a therapist for about 40 years and feel I can be a good judge of what is good in the field. I think what Steven just summed up was great and so true. Right now I am thinking of my own journey in the last year of going from health and energy to. Not. Having health and energy. Figuring out the ensuing anxiety and depression elements have so much to do with both the cause and the cures as described by Steven has been part of the journey. June Traibman

    Reply
  48. debra Dunbar says

    I am a preschool teacher and what is important for birth through age six is sensory motor play. Many young children are not being allowed to start and finish heir sensory motor exploration and what I’m finding is that anxiety is starting at age 2-3 because as they are digging or pouring or playing in a tactile sensory way, an adult is interrupting their process and removing them from what they are trying to figure out. This interruption creates anxiety. This anxiety seems to build up over time and is compounded to the point where they develop anxiety attacks as young as age 5. The therapist saying adults putting pressure on children to “be good” really resonates. Adult expectations of behavior is where all of this stems from. I think having adults play with sensory tools such as playdough and cornstarch/water, therapy putty…etc may help get them back to where their troubles began. Getting messy and gooey could help

    Reply
    • Heather says

      Gosh. Your insight here is spot on. I work in Further Education as an Inclusion and Support Specialist and have seen the rise and rise in anxiety related issues over the last few years and it has totally changed the way I work.

      Reply
    • Wendy says

      As adults, we may have moved from unfinished business and become stucked in some new one, as in a wheel in the process. I love the play value and the time given. Thx.

      Reply
  49. Gabriel says

    Thanks very much. Enlightening, inspiring — and very practical.

    Reply
  50. Marie Claire says

    What I like is the “make a new thing each day and kind thing according to your values” . It’s like paying attention to the small thing different and kind towards oneself or other, and the orientation towards ones’ own gratification or warmth/ relaxation. Thank you for sharing the video!

    Reply
« Older Comments
Newer Comments »

Recent Posts

  • Two Telltale Signs of Gaslighting and Manipulation (and How to Address it Clinically)
  • Two Cognitive Restructuring Strategies to Help Disrupt Grief-Fueled Rumination
  • A Gentle Yet Targeted Approach to Help Clients Who Feel Empty Inside
  • A Four-Step Process for Working with a Client’s Shadow Side – with Chris Irons, PhD
  • Reporting In – Giving Back in 2024

Categories

  • Antiracism
  • Anxiety
  • Attachment
  • Body-Oriented Therapy
  • Brain
  • Charity
  • Chronic Pain
  • Compassion
  • COVID-19 Pandemic
  • Depression
  • Emptiness
  • Exercise and Mental Health
  • Fear
  • Gaslighting and Manipulation
  • Grief
  • Healing Trauma
  • Infographics
  • Mindfulness
  • Nervous System
  • Neuroplasticity
  • Perfectionism
  • PTSD
  • Relationships
  • Resentment
  • Shadow Side
  • Shame
  • Spirituality
  • Trauma
  • Trauma Therapy
  • Uncategorized
  • Unworthiness

40 Wilbur Cross Way Suite 102
Storrs, CT 06268
(860) 477-1450

NICABM Logo

About Us
FAQs
Contact Us
Courses
Claim CE/CMEs
Accreditation
ADA Accommodation
Hiring
SITEMAP PRIVACY POLICY TERMS OF USE

CONNECT WITH US

Facebook Logo YouTube Logo Instagram Logo

40 Wilbur Cross Way, Suite 102
Storrs, CT 06268
Phone: (860) 477-1450
respond@nicabm.com
Copyright © 2025

Share this ArticleLike this article? Email it to a friend!

Email sent!