Depression can rob our clients of the full, thriving lives we all hope for.
And so often, a depressed client will avoid the very people, places, and activities that once gave them pleasure.
In the video below, Steven Hayes, PhD describes a woman who suffered from both depression and anxiety. She started avoiding the business that she owned . . .
. . . until he gave her a simple, unique, almost playful assignment.
Take a look – it’s about 5 minutes.
This video was taken from the Next Level Practitioner training program where members receive a daily video like this from one of the top 20 experts in our field. That program is not open for new members right now, but if you want to be on a waiting list in case it opens up, please click here.
What ideas are you going to use with your patients? Please leave a comment below.
Best kind of charity is the privacy of when and how it’s offered including charity for self
So do one kind and new thing and don’t let yourself glory in it
Do it and let go sounds like good idea
Working at a substance abuse center, I find that most client suffer , I have been already promoting Kindness toward each other with the residents, but SECRET kindness sounds like a new approach I will try also. Meeting today for group and will begin fostering new idea!!! Thanks
I am very greatful for your work and commitment Ruth… One thing that jumps out to me these days is actually calling people patients …. to me that is keeping them on a level, of we have what they need, thinking about the Hooponopono where the practitioner saw the people he was working with as already whole, and the effects that had, and how amazing healings happened… With the advanced reserch of the vibration of the words we use, this could be a very good place to start, when I am called a patient right away it give me a sence of weaker than, and we all know we only fasillitate a person to come to balance, and seeing them already healed, and holding space with the tools we use can be very powerful for them and allows us to relax …..and feel the love that heals stuck pain and energy…l.
I really like the way Steven thinks and the way he cares for his clients – its is very obvious the respect and care he brings to a session. This process makes so much sense – it helps the client to make decisions for themselves and to regard their own opinions as having value.
It is disconcerting watching this video by Steven Hayes as he talks about this interesting approach because he keeps looking up as if his script is somewhere up there and isn’t making connection with his audience.
Separate the teacher from the teachingp
I thought he was just looking up when he paused as he was turning inward a little to a memory and finding words for the next things to say. Why do you think he was looking for a script? His face lit up at times, thinking about someone he was working with, obviously happy to see positive changes.
Encourage the secret kindness approach…
Thank you. I love the connecting to the quality of being whilest doing a secret act of kindness.
For encouragement in kindness, check out Kindspring.org. While you can post kindnesses to urge others onward, you can also do acts of kindness secretly. People do both!
It is a very affirming place, and research does show that witnessing kindness has a contagious effect. That helps those of us who struggle with doing kindnesses and saying anything, as if it were blowing our own horn, as they say.
Knowing that we are just part of keeping the kindness ball rolling is also a great way to feel like part of something larger than your own world. Plus, it is FUN!
I’m working with the lack of self esteem focussed on body image of one of my clients. She can’t imagine anyone finding her attractive which in her mind also equals ‘lovable’. I love Steven’s idea of secret here, between you and yourself. I would like her to develop an appreciation of her body. In all it does and how it functions so that she can really come to love her own body and the beauty that is there. That idea of giving in secret means that in her actions and behaviours she can first appreciate that in herself – and give of herself and feel good about that. When she is less anxious about pleasing others I would like her to notice what happens next! Yes!!
Sounds like it could create a lovely pattern of being kind,” just because……”
I like the idea of having a decision made internally (therefore it was my choice, not someone’s order) and kept secret, therefore away from being judged. I wouldn’ put an “every day” request, which is external. Waking up the kindness to self,especially compassion for self, may be a surprisingly new concept to a lot of clients.
FYI that this is a concept in Aikido called intoku. 🙂
I am an Educational Consultant with a community center in Amman, Jordan working with refugee (Iraqi, Syrian, and now Somali and Sudanese) families. As I designed the program for 6 to 12 year old girls (specially funded for this project) I melded together a kindness curriculum, focused games, and an emphasis on culture. As refugees many suffer from depression and anxiety. Steven Hayes ‘Secret Kindness’ suggestions will be very helpful to infuse into the program as we work with the girls to help them through their experiences of multiple traumatic events. Beryl Cheal, Seattle, WA
At MindfulPainTelief.org I help women that feel trapped and frustrated by chronic pain reclaim their body and their life and feel alive. Often, clients with chronic pain have some degree of depression and do fear judgement of others about their abilities and have a strong inner critic. I will integrate the concept of practicing kindness daily towards the self in a way that isn’t outwardly visible to others. One particular client comes to mind that has low self-permission and struggles to create time to take care of her own needs since she has a family of four young children. This can help contribute to increased self-efficacy which is essential.
Excellent tutorial!!!thanks so much, very inspiring!
I loved this piece on secret kindness. I work with children and adolescents what often have this anxiety that comes from trying to please demanding parents and see this helps to reach these children at the heart. They want to be heard and often feel no one is listening. This will give them a way to make a game of kind acts and help them cope with fears.
Well what I do with my clients, when I have them as a team at work, to lift the low levels of depression and anxiety that happen at work, is play a game of Anglels and Mortals for a week/month. Its a beautiful game that I imagine many of you know. Each person puts their name in a hat and then each person takes a name out of the hat. That person is now your mortal for the month and you are their angel. Of course an angel must not be seen or known. so as an angel you are to gently shower your mortal each day with tiny delights but without their knowing where it is coming from so you ask other mortals to deliver your kindnesses – be it a song, a poem, a flower, a smile, a cuppa, a helping hand, a cup of tea, help with a report, listening, a lovely photo, a cutting form a plant. I still have plant grown from a cutting that an angel gave me from a care home ten years ago. I t creates such a sense of fun and incognito kindness, creativity and surprise.
Love this! Thank you for sharing!
lovely concept.
Oh, I love this! I just need to figure out how to adapt it to my situation, which is not a group.
Even to have a client come to us is “exposure “. It almost doesn’t matter what happens in the session.
As a Christian I find the act of prayer away to give secretly. I suffer from depression as a symtom of my Bi polar and life curcumstances. I think a big reason why people avoid others and their opinions/judgements is because a sense of powerlessness, as if the perspective of the ‘other’ will take over.
love this! I believed in this all along and have worked with the belief that Human beings are by nature Kind and Accepting. The learnt beliefs and values may clash with the inherent goodness leading to internal conflict and more often external too. The inability to cope and balance manifestos depression and Anxiety.
They need a nudge in the direction to meet their true selves.
Thanks
I love this – it goes along the line of ‘as we show kindness to others we ourself will arise’ …. I can totally see how this will help to soften someone.
This really aligns with my values and so I find it easy on the ears. Responding to anxiety and depression with an existential approach is very effective. Even as I write this my own inner critic is made voiceless as I exercise kindness and compassion to others, often quietly and unobserved.
I like the way this encourages ‘action’ as a way of responding to fears. It is very empowering.
I work with two main client groups, 1.sex offenders (as a therapist who is a priest) and 2.people excluded by society because of poverty, mental health challenges, cognitive deficits, social skills or ASD difficulties (as a priest who is a therapist).
I feel equally empowered in both domains to encourage ‘existential action’ as a pathway to wholeness.
To connect with the joy of giving without expectations! Loved it. I beleive is a very powerful tool. Can´t wait to try it with my clients. Thanks
I appreciate how Dr. Hayes connected these two strategies and puts them into actions which are accomplishable. As long as the client is willing and can suspend doubt long enough to do the two elements, it seems like they will soon begin shifting. I especially like how he identified the differences in “good girl” and doing good in their eyes. Excellent video!
I found this to be a very inspiring and useful strategy. I watched it three times before I decided that it would be useful to share it with my agency in the form of a post on our electronic newsletter for Health and Wellness.
THank you for this.
I expect that I have already tried to notice the “joy of connectedness” but now am working on “doing one new thing everyday” before I pass it on to my clients.
Patrice Dwyer, M.S.W.,R.S.W.
Ruth, I am reading all of your posts and mining them for inspiration! What a great way to learn!
Love this ! I am a big fun of Steven Hayes. Always such a pleasure to hear him, my mind feels more freedom. I am not a therapist, but still a patient searching to heal myself. I would like to share my experience with the harsh exposure vs the kind, gentle resource searching approach. I had been treated by the exposure therapy without having told me (I was a PTSD patient, I started to suffer more, my body jumped into a serious sickness that lasted for years). The approach and concept of cognitive therapies of Steven Hayes made me feel hope again and since that time I started to heal. I was in the time where I was “caught in the kind things” – I planned them. it was the first step in my healing, the rules. Then, I found the “effortless approach” -feel the kindness in a more natural way, do what feels good right now, not forcing my mind to “do it”. This approach has even better results. One day, I do a walk, another day I listen to the birds, another one I search some political news I like, another day I do nothing, then, I cuddle the cat,…before I planned it, before before I was told to be “a coward” not to be there where ” I should be” in my age. It scared me so much. I never had time to use my mind to help me with my internal states, to my internal worth, the divine value in me. I don´t want to be judged as an object….also, yes, I was sooo productive. I did so much as many people never did at my age. I was at my super-powers, and I was so judged by others. I did not allow myself to have a rest when my body was sick. I had to do, do, for others -being the good girl. (my narcissistic family heritage – I was an object, a slave to create their image). Being abused in childhood and judged for it in therapy, motivated by picking on me, did not make any healing for me. Also cognitive therapies can be those who bring the knowledge of very very sad things about the injuries that had been inflicted on oneself. I always feel listening to Dr. Hayes that my mind will help me in it, I don´t need to ruminate “how to solve the problem” all over and over (which my mind does), but actually it helps me to understand and bring me into the body, emotions to heal by being able to hold it in a safe way. Do it anyway, but in a more kind, safe way, no lying about “how parents did not know any better” etc. , how I did not make it as other people because ” I was too sensitive” etc. I am also of those abused people who had not been allowed to develop and explore my passions, my joy, who I am (the maternal incest). Most of people see me as a hopeless failure, some even think that I am stupid, an object one can push where they want to. They don´t get how much covert abuse there was in the family. I had been also told something the way that ” I don´t think right”….it discouraged me, as I believe into my mind (even though some parts had been abused). I believe that my mind will put me through (in a very respectful way, as in the IFS therapies). Find my passions and joy and who I am in a safe, slow way feels so good. This feels like being allowed to be the joyful child again and take conscious knowledge of it. It takes lots of time. I see that I don´t need to stop being the “giver”.
Thank you so much, Dr. Hayes for bringing the hope.
Love this idea, especially the idea that it is a secret between you and the person in the mirror. I’m going to try a little myself first.
I love when I can tie a playful sense of experimentation to a client’s values, I find they gain the insight they needed to create a path forward.
very interesting –
I am going to start to applying right away with many depressive clients I have…
very empowering to the client
This is a refreshing concept – I really appreciate the focus on the positive and of doing something. It connects to opposite action in DBT.
Thanks!
Great therapy I practice this as much as possible and it does lift my spirits……Thanks a bunch!!!Mickey
AWESOME …love it love it love it
I’m going to go use this strategy right now with a girl at recess who has withdrawn herself form her group. She frequently tells them how depressed she is.
Off to Recess:)
Brilliant! Love it! Motivation for doing anything good must come from within or it will become a burden in short order.
Good and would have been even better if he’d taken 30 seconds more on a theory of depression that this intervention addresses. He spoke too briefly about this. Without grounding in a theory of depression or more generally a theory of the self, one is just proposing this & that.
excellent suggestion- like others who mentioned this- I like the idea of the secret –
What a great approach. I have a patient in mind already.The notion that it is secret is the difference.
Thanks for sharing this with everyone.
Yes this can help me unblend from my recalcitrant and egotistical parts. I am a stressful performer so a kind thing I can do for myself is ease up as I check-in to see how I’m doing. I like to have little mindful exercises to do at periodic intervals and this check-in on my kindness and kindliness is good.
This is a great idea. I love the idea of doing something kind “in secret.”
Kindness is the oil that takes friction out of life.
Great way to look at depression and judgment. I like the idea of having the patient do something in ‘secret’ to remind them that internal joy / wellbeing of doing for others is the first place to start to then connect with others.
I like this approach, particularly the secret.
I often suggest that the person consider doing at least one activity a day that they enjoy, starting very small. The idea being to connect with lost pleasure, to be in the moment and having a sense of achievement at the end of the day.
Hi Jenni. AcT appears to be very recent. Personally, I find it challenging to give myself into the arena of life and risk disappointment. This theorically could make a lot of sense as how it could bring a great sense of achieving, once successful…
Love it! Steven Hayes is great as is ACT. Thank you for sharing this video.
As usual just a great recourse to approach self-critical patients!
It makes us much healthier and happier when we just give and share to simply enjoy doing it.
I have various clients with whom I plan to offer this concept. I am a playful person in session anyway, so this also fits my personal and professional values a well! Looking forward to seeing how each person responds to this opportunity to experiment with this concept.
Well, if a patient is suffering anxiety and depression, a creative experience like a short body awareness meditation to then lead into a drawing of a colored mandala might help the patient to let go a little of what it is that keeps the patient “stuck” sharing
without blame.
I am very grateful for the gentle Kind orientation of Stephen’s therapy! When there is already anxiety and depression this resonates very powerfully.
Love the value wheel and the finding of the positive in a gentle way
so often dysfunction is the focus and i would like to suggest that this can destroy the soul
Thank you for kindness to self
I have been a therapist for about 40 years and feel I can be a good judge of what is good in the field. I think what Steven just summed up was great and so true. Right now I am thinking of my own journey in the last year of going from health and energy to. Not. Having health and energy. Figuring out the ensuing anxiety and depression elements have so much to do with both the cause and the cures as described by Steven has been part of the journey. June Traibman
I am a preschool teacher and what is important for birth through age six is sensory motor play. Many young children are not being allowed to start and finish heir sensory motor exploration and what I’m finding is that anxiety is starting at age 2-3 because as they are digging or pouring or playing in a tactile sensory way, an adult is interrupting their process and removing them from what they are trying to figure out. This interruption creates anxiety. This anxiety seems to build up over time and is compounded to the point where they develop anxiety attacks as young as age 5. The therapist saying adults putting pressure on children to “be good” really resonates. Adult expectations of behavior is where all of this stems from. I think having adults play with sensory tools such as playdough and cornstarch/water, therapy putty…etc may help get them back to where their troubles began. Getting messy and gooey could help
Gosh. Your insight here is spot on. I work in Further Education as an Inclusion and Support Specialist and have seen the rise and rise in anxiety related issues over the last few years and it has totally changed the way I work.
As adults, we may have moved from unfinished business and become stucked in some new one, as in a wheel in the process. I love the play value and the time given. Thx.
Thanks very much. Enlightening, inspiring — and very practical.
What I like is the “make a new thing each day and kind thing according to your values” . It’s like paying attention to the small thing different and kind towards oneself or other, and the orientation towards ones’ own gratification or warmth/ relaxation. Thank you for sharing the video!