Depression can rob our clients of the full, thriving lives we all hope for.
And so often, a depressed client will avoid the very people, places, and activities that once gave them pleasure.
In the video below, Steven Hayes, PhD describes a woman who suffered from both depression and anxiety. She started avoiding the business that she owned . . .
. . . until he gave her a simple, unique, almost playful assignment.
Take a look – it’s about 5 minutes.
This video was taken from the Next Level Practitioner training program where members receive a daily video like this from one of the top 20 experts in our field. That program is not open for new members right now, but if you want to be on a waiting list in case it opens up, please click here.
What ideas are you going to use with your patients? Please leave a comment below.
Using a playful approach is the best way I have found to work with all kinds of clients. In fact being a trained play therapist has created the most meaningful change in the work I have done with adults (as well as children) and I find it is even MORE powerful for adults and couples than it is with kids because they immediately access their unconscious in a gentle way without the talking getting in the way. Thus, I get them out of their mind and into their body/unconscious wisdom. I love Steven’s idea! Thanks
Play therapy!!!!! Yes!!!!! Play is being taken away from young children…kindergarteners are not being allowed to play. May I ask where you obtained your play therapy education?
wow I really love this. Such a soft compassionate approach which is not hard work.
I agree about the focus on kindness to self. So important and paying attention to that daily really sharpens the skill and creates habit. I have an ongoing resolution to practice kindness to others.
How odd that I didn’t think to add myself to that, but I will thanks to you.
Thank you for this great reminder of how we have other stories about ourselves, other than the one that focuses on not being good enough. When I ask clients, “how did you do that” new thing and “what does that say about you”, the other story of who they are emerges as equally real.
I work with many people who are chronically disabled due to either just their mental illness or a combination including their mental illness, and the lack of purpose and identity and “giving back” that isn’t there through a job can feel quite empty and exacerbate depression and feeling alienated from others. I think this technique can be really helpful for those clients especially.
Thank you for this more gentle approach. Many anxious or depressed individuals need a kind way to begin to change their relationship with themselves
This is so true … sadly said.
Beautifully thoughtful and sensitive approach.
I’m a counseling intern and am loving this video! Thank
You for sharing this fabulous idea! I have a client
I will use this with next week , thanks again!
Linnea
Thank you it has reminded me of the value of kindness and giving. Better to give than receive and blessing will follow. It has motivated me to learn more about applying ACT in my work with people with a long term disability.
This approach might help bring a sense of purpose to those who have lost a sense of meaning in their lives. I like that it does not focus on having to be approved or disapproved by others (judgment) but on what the patient finds meaningful and gives them joy. I have patients I will try this approach with.
Love ACT and Dr. Hayes. It’s 90% of my work. This is a terrific assignment!! Thank you!!
So many of us who are labelled ‘well&healthy’ can benefit from this intervention.It can really promote a loving way to embrace this world with its many challenges.I am trying this for the next 30 days as a new ritual…N-j0y…nAz
exquisite!
I have a client in her late 60′ she reviews her life constantly and feels that she fails to others and herself, she does not enjoy thinks that she used to, I use humor to show her that she is seeing the half glass empty. We talk about doing activities that give her pleasure, I am going to introduce to her the idea of doing things for others even if the others don’t know that she did it. I am not going to asker to do this everyday, I think that will be to much but I will introduce it gradually. Thank you for sharing this technique
Awesome intervention! Thank you for this loving, joyous idea and video. Only watching dr.Hayes put smile on my face and in my heart.
Appreciated the simplicity and inherent joy of this intervention. Thank you!
I have always told my clients Service is the magic dust! And if you want to elevate that magic, do it anonymously. It has been powerfully effective every time.
great video. I do use the idea of do one thing a day that brings meaning to you with my anxious /depressed patients and it helps them to be more in present. I will also try the secret act of kindness this sounds like a good idea
This was a very interesting video to watch. Since I started studying psychotherapy, I have been amazed at how much the teachings of Islam focused on building a sound psychological state of mind providing us with daily, yearly and voluntary practices that tend to our emotional needs without us even realizing it. When I watched this video I finally understood a verse in chapter two that I had read so many times before, talking about doing good, where it specifies that giving openly is good, but giving in secret is good for the person doing so. The linguistic accuracy is what amazes me most . I am grateful for this video, here is a translation of the verse:
If you disclose your charitable expenditures, they are good; but if you conceal them and give them to the poor, it is better for you, and He will remove from you some of your misdeeds [thereby]. And Allah, with what you do, is [fully] Acquainted.
Surat Al-Baqara (2:271)
Thank you so much for this video. I am struggling myself right now, and the soft approach is resonating with me. Taking the focus off of myself.
I like this, circumvent the judgement by committing new and kind acts as a secret…
I like the playful quality. Thank you Steven!
I love the idea of it being a secret kindness. I would start there.
I am thinking of 2 clients immediately in which this approach might work. Both stuck in their negative self judgment. One having difficulty returning to outside work and the other stuck in constant negative mind reading of the intentions of her loved ones. I think creatively using the idea of secret kindness might pull both of them out of the mind game they play in themselves that keep them so stuck. Thank you
Thank you dr. Hayes for sharing this perpsective and point of entry into accessing inner resources during paralyzingly depression; it is so powerful in that it gave the client something kind and concrete to do on her terms according to what mattered most to her. I especially like the idea if doing it ‘secretly’ and I am adding these ideas to my toolbox for sure!
Thank you Ruth and Dr. Hayes ~ I am so thankful for your videos and belonging to this amazing group of professionals. This video reminded me to take care of myself! Your teachings, Ruth, through your outstanding experts, helps me take better care of myself while learning techniques to pass on to my clients. Thank you for all you do!
Awesome strategy! Simple and direct. I’ve suffered from anxiety and depression myself and these are ideas I can use on myself as well as my clients. Thank you very much. I love all your short videos.
I’m sharing this with my colleagues and people that I love. Simple can be so effective because it doable. Thank you!
I can do this.
When I was a young depresses college student, a priest inspired me to do this back in the sixties! It has always been a way for me to live a joyful life!
Through teaching the Medicine Wheel, I include values that include respect, caring, and sharing so I can provide the one element you discussed and that is to do a kind act that does not claim an owner or a doer but the reward is in the autonomous act…..as once said, “The quality of mercy is twice blessed, it blesses those that give and those that get.”… from the Merchant of Venice.
I love to make the patients I work on for only a few minutes feel better by staying positive and showing empathy. But I have been basically physically unable to work in this area of my career because of back issues, so I’ve been told if you can’t do this part of your job, we can’t accommodate you. I felt worthless and after serving this health care organization for 17 years, this is what I mean to them, so yes depression and anxiety over this is justified, but doctoring and medication is really helping. I loved what this Dr. suggested regarding doing something different everyday to parallel the values I have to strengthen them and this has been so helpful, many thanks and I have gratitude for you.
A lovely, caring approach that i shall most desirable use in my work.
Wonderful ideas suggested.
Wonderful ideas. I teach singing. Aspiring professionals trip themselves up with pleasing the public. And passing the auditions or getting the perfect recording. Re-examining the learning process , focusing on finding the joy of giving, thinking of singing as creating a gift, moment to moment for the joy of being in the moment of the tune and the lyric, connecting music making to personal values, really helps the students feel better about themselves… and ultimately produce better results without focusing on the result.
Thank you
I am going to give my client as homework the assignment of doing one new thing everyday and one kind thing everyday (in secret). I believe that this will enable my client to redirect her energy off herself and on to other people. It has been my experience that when you serve others you often find yourself,
Wonderful approach for someone who’s depressed and stuck in her head (as depressed people often are). Doing kind things for others–with or without acknowledgement–helps to get us out of our heads and into the world. Even the smallest acts of kindness, towards ourselves as well, fosters self-care and self-compassion. During my depression, I smiled at myself in the mirror each morning, feeling stupid doing so, but doing it anyway. Smiling, along with other acts of kindness, helps create a paradigm shift in our brains that activate feel-good hormones (I didn’t know this at the time I was doing the smiling routine, but learned of it much later). Great example, Steven. Thanks!
Very timely for me as I reassess where a long term client and I are heading in the next few sessions as we move towards closure.. THANKS for this.
Very compassionate approach. Loved the idea of being kind, even to the person looking back in the mirror.
A value wheel sounds very helpful. I agree most people are unclear about values.
Self care…..So key
Beautiful picture of how people find joy and meaning in being kind. Thank you!
In my work I emphasize choosing in the moment to be loving and kind, whether to a client’s own self or to others. This is the priority work before specific modalities to address trauma, addictive and compulsive behavior, and specific presenting challenges. This shift has been gradual over my professional commitments. Before becoming a marriage and family therapist, I studied and taught Intercultural Communication at a small graduate institute for a number of years, lived abroad, devoted myself to other cultures, was a translator. Though cultural differences are fascinating, we share a commonality as homo sapiens sapiens where the simple acts of kindness and thoughtfulness are the most direct in terms of connection and communication. Loving kindness is my top “intervention”!
Interestingly, I have seen an increase in the number of people who come into therapy specifically stating they want to learn to be more kind.
I do things for the applause of others and what’s important to them.
It’s an easy advice to give, to do what you value.
How do you figure our “your” (healthy?) values when you only value applause and avoiding the judgements of others? I don’t see a Values category on the site. 🙁
I understand what you’re saying, as I’m someone who needs validation from others. Without validation from others, I feel a sense of worthlessness. I will still try this technique in the hope that I can learn to self-validate.
Thanks for this exercise and even more valuable for me, thanks for this perspective. For me it really values the autonomy and kindness of each individual. I will look forward doing this exercise though knowing it will bring a lot of tears from the unseen goodness in me. Thanks again
This is a great and doable idea that I will use with my clients who feel paralyzed by depression. It seems too and gender a secret but potent joy for the client.
I have a client excessively focused on the needs of others, but she can’t recognize her needs- her feeling needy triggers a lot of fears that asking for help makes her at risk for rape. How can I get her to feel her needs and retrain her orientation outward- to others so exclusuvely
I am going to use this for MYSELF !! I retired from a busy clinical practice three years ago, work I truly enjoyed and valued. I do not get the same sense of satisfaction and energy from my volunteer work , it seems. I have had now two episodes of mild/moderate depression, a new and very uncomfortable experience for me! This gentle intervention will be helpful, and bypass the judgment that so easily slips in. Thank you.
Thank you. That indirect approach appeals to me and motivates me to learn more about ACT.
This is something new to me too and it surely catches my attention.
The essential instruction might be ” One secret activity a day rewarding your inner child, free flowing and freed from judging and evaluating” ?
That’s a good idea! It makes a lot of sense! Thanks for sharing!
I like what Steven has to say. Personal experience. I had the lead in a play which involved about 5 pages at the beginning of almost exclusive monologue. For the rest of the play, I had many scenes but I did not have to carry the scene alone. Every time I went to rehearsal and had to do the monologues, I felt a sense of total panic. It took me a while but I remembered the way my director talked about what this scene meant for the audience and was able to shift from a “will I do this right?” And “will they like me?” to “I am the conveyor of this lovely gift from the playwright.” And lo and behold, the panic went away. It was no longer about me. And I could feel joy in the process, pride in my work, and no longer be hung up in worry about being criticized or evaluated.
Thanks for this! “I am the conveyor of this lovely gift,” what a wonderful way to shift our perspective on any of the work that we do!
This is wow! I understand how this may feel like to be the “conveyor”in this important role to you.
I do alot of work with values in terms of self actualization, vitality, and feeling connected and proud for depression, addiction, trauma exposure most therapeutic challenges. I have created a value wheel and I have clients list after looking a some various value charts, what they value. Then I have them describe an influential person in their lives growing up. Sometimes someone will say they had none so I encourage them to look at neighbors, other peoples parents, tv characters etc. Once they list the values of this person and combine it with their list they are able to see the values they embrace, sometimes coming from not wanted to resemble a negative person of influence. This gives such a true sense of self, away from the sometimes shaming labels of diagnosis, illness, learning disability, work challenges etc.. Throughout our journey we look at scales of -2 to 11 of where they are with each value, how they can get to where they want to be, and challenges to maintaining progress. The exposure created by this often leads to such fulfillment and vitality, and self assurance. I have found that talking about values is difficult unless a client really understands what they are and what they embrace without comparing to what they think they should and in a safe environment free of judgement of whatever they discover.
Judith, I like your idea of a value wheel and would love to know about it.
Thanks ! I put a description above.
This sounds wonderfully healing. Thank you for sharing it, Judith.
Thank you! I put a description above
I also would like to learn more about your value wheel! Identifying truly personal values are difficult as I learned that a value isn’t “real” unless one really “lived” it out, in others words showing how that value shows up on one’s life.
Then doing the one new and one kind thing secretly can also build up the embodiment of chosen values, one step at a time.
Thank you. And a big thank you to Steve and Ruth for this wonderfully simple and powerful teaching.
I put a description above!
Please would you send me a copy of your value wheel that sounds a brilliant method of working and I believe it might be very helpful in the future
I put a description above!
Hi Everyone. I will try to find a way to share the value wheel I use (technically challenged). It really is a pie chart with 8 to 15 slices and two inner circles. In the top narrow circle the client places the value they have discovered through the process outlined above. (always interesting that the first question about what values do you THINK you have, overlaps with some of those positive or opposite of those negative valiues of the influential person they chose. I use influential rather than role model for this reason.) In the first segment of the circle in that slice of the pie goes where they are at now 1-10 or some variation, and the second inner segment is where they would like to be (10’s not allowed!). Then the work is what they need to do to get there and what are the challenges to achieving and maintaining that goal. Do this again down the road and it is amazing to see the change in numbers! Then the questions around what worked best, what is still challenging, new interventions… It is endless how this is. I sometimes have them write the values on a wallet card or paint them on a rock: ‘Who I am” to hold or look at when they are telling themselves they are some certain outward label. One client came to me and when I said tell me about yourself she said “I am an unemployed, gay, opiate addict who didn’t finish college. To this I repeated ok but I asked you to tell me about yourself :). She came a long way through this process. Hope that help!
Wow! Nice. I can relate.