Regardless of education, experience, or intelligence, many struggle with relationships. Though the research is clear that healthy relationships can be immune enhancing, being (and staying) in a loving, intimate relationship is one of the most challenging things we do.
All sorts of difficulties in relationships are related to resentment and identification as a victim. Far too often, it seems like both parties report feeling like victims, while seeing themselves as the “reasonable one.”
Identification with the role of victim, whether accurate or not, can be harmful to health and well-being. In order to recover and move on from damaging relationships, or even to repair a wound within a viable relationship, it’s important to identify with your strengths and not your weaknesses.
Making matters worse, the victim identity is often accompanied by revenge motives, which inevitably adds to negative sentiments within the relationship.
As therapists seeing couples, our focus on the direct causes of resentment can sometimes just exacerbate the problem.
For such a complicated subject, sometimes you need to approach it from different angles.
Check out our programs on mindfulness, brain science, and trauma treatment for ideas.
Excellent post. How often have I seen emotional abuse, and mistreatment (mental, punishment) and lacking in respect that has destroyed the relationship and leave the opponents feeling oppressed and unfairness. It is really an important discussion to address the psychological abuse in this type of relationship one can find themselves in and hard to resolve.
Angela –
Hello and welcome to the world of addiction. I don’t believe you husband is being honest with you. If he wants to drink it has nothing to do with you. You are right about choosing not to argue with someone who’s drinking. It’s a lose lose situation, hands down! My educated guess is that all the abuse that’s rolling off his tongue is his way of not owning the fact, that he simply wants to drink. Were he to get sober and own his own feelings, things would change. However; this is not your job to see happen, even though it affects you so. I would suggest you get yourself to Alanon meetings and perhaps a nutritionist and/or acupuncturist for your health issues. You can’t control him, but you still have choices. Good luck.
the repetitive interactional patterns ( conflictual cycles) are very difficult to change. Both partners get stuck in their complementary roles, even though they both claim to be the other´s victim. And charles is right: we need to get something out of it: we need to be confirmed in our bio-psycho-social core-identity by our partner, who is, definitely, the most important attachment figure in adult live.; this bio-psycho-social identity hopefully has nothing to do with being a victim.
Hi Ruth.In relationships as I heard a wise indian sage say once,relationships are only based on what I get out of them.We are not honest enough to admit that.I guess love is a four letter word.All the best.