Two Compassion-Based Ways to Help Your Client Overcome Shame

Without a doubt, the compassion we offer our clients is often a key part of their healing.

But how do we help our clients build compassion toward themselves . .

. . . especially when they feel frozen and unable to act, cut off from themselves and those they care about? When their ability to be kind to themselves is blocked by a punishing inner critic?

Well, Laura Silberstein-Tirch, PsyD uses two powerful interventions from compassion-focused therapy to help her clients heal shame.

In the video below, you’ll hear the compelling case of Seth. Laura shares exactly what she did to help him end the cycle of shame-based paralysis and isolation.

Check it out – it’s about 4 minutes.

Click here for full transcript

Dr. Buczynski: Now let’s look at one of Laura’s case examples. She’ll walk us through the story of Seth and how she used functional analysis, as well as imagery of compassion to help Seth change his relationship with criticism. Using these two methods from compassion focused therapy allowed Seth to move from shame based self-criticism, to compassionate self correction. Seth was a young actor and dancer in his late 20s who had high levels of shame based self-criticism. Laura did an inventory of the types of things that Seth would say to himself when he was disappointed in his performance. He often called himself names and told himself that he was never good enough. His usual style was to not just focus on this one mistake, but to lump in every mistake that he’d ever made. Dr. Silberstein-Tirch: We looked at how his criticism left him feeling and thinking about himself, and often he found himself plunged into experiences of depression, sadness, and anxiety leading him to often avoiding activities of his daily life, staying home for days on end, not going out or interacting with other people. I asked the question that we ask many of our clients in compassion focused therapy, I asked him if I were to take away his inner critic, if I somehow had the magical power that could remove his ability to criticize himself, that when he left my office he would never criticize himself again, what would be his greatest fear? Seth said to me that he would be afraid that he would be not good enough, that he would constantly be making mistakes, that he would go off the rails with his behavior, that he would do things that weren’t in line with his values, and that he certainly would never improve or become a better actor or a better dancer. Dr. Buczynski: So the first thing Laura did was to use functional analysis to help Seth get in touch with what his inner critic was trying to do for him. She followed that by helping him cultivate a compassionate other. Dr. Silberstein-Tirch: We started to do some of our compassion focused imagery, he started to cultivate his ideal compassion itself, but what was really helpful for Seth was cultivating his ideal compassionate other, a coach, a mentor that was there to root him on, someone that took joy in his successes, but also noticed when he was failing, notice when he was having difficulty, or noticed when he was struggling. I was able to provide correction to help return to his attention and do things a little bit different. It was about allowing himself to respond more effectively. We started looking at examples of those teachers or coaches that got the best performance out of their students or players. Those individuals perhaps over the course of Seth’s life that he felt inspired him, that motivated him to do more but didn’t paralyze him with fear and anxiety, like his critic had been doing. We began cultivating these examples, he read some biographies on different coaches, watched a bunch of teaching movies, and together we worked so he could construct his ideal compassionate other, his compassionate coach that could come with him on his auditions when he was trying out for shows, or for gigs. He could have this compassion another with him as he engaged in the different areas of his life that were meaningful to him. It allowed him to live a bigger, fuller, more vital life and didn’t leave him home alone isolated. Compassion focused therapy teaches clients to use compassionate self correction, rather than shame based self attack.

Laura’s approach can be powerful – especially for clients who might be equating compassion with “letting themselves off the hook.”

We get into several other strategies for helping clients transform shame with self-compassion in The Clinical Application of Compassion program.

Here’s the link where you can sign up and learn more.

But for now, I’d like to hear from you. How have you helped a client heal from shame? Please share your experience in the comment section below.

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14 Comments

Kerrie Hill, Dietetics, AU says

Can your ‘compassionate other’ be a younger self?

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Pat Dawson, Other, GB says

Is it about the fear of being overly compassionate ?

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Heidi W, Psychotherapy, AU says

It looks like to me, Seith’s struggle seem in essence coming from the character he has to perform and his role of being perfect and ignoring the flaws that appears on stage. Emotionally it takes courage to be connected and gain a new identity, and play a different character. Professionally, actors would use visualization, articulation, tone, and voice exercise for best results, and to gain in confidence in the role, but could it be that Seith needs not only a coach, a model, teacher, but also, a friendly counselor who will give him a reality check to stay grounded, centered, and not losing himself in trying too hard to reach a top-notch performance that can cause great anxiety, shame, or a sense of being defective. Thanks for the great video.

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Augusta S, Another Field, IE says

I can relate to this as I have given help. To be an actor is to be always on stage. And when the curtains fall, the person falls into depression after moments of loneliness and criticizes himself so hard. Otherwise, often forget his small success. I think the actor needs a therapy or a coach to finish his work because he gets lost in his life, especially off the stage. That said, in this sense, the need to see one’s group / audience is felt when healing takes place. Thus, using videos and clips can improve performance and self-confidence, and not become discouraged or fall into depression. Very good choice to show how to work in this case. Thank you.

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Amy Wilt, Psychology, SE, MI, USA says

It feels like a fear based method using some manipulation doesn’t it so? It intends is to modify the behavior in a situation. Technically therapeutical and alliance approach, I have used this but my client was very resistant to change. Since he set the wall between us. What else could I have done but only pacing the session. Hope this helps.

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Tracy Cerff, Counseling, AU says

I’ve definitely used a CFT approach with a client who felt shame and heavy guilt for having a marital affair. Just showing him compassion that he wasn’t a bad person, rather, just made a bad choice. (He was self harming due to loathing himself so his remorse was quite evident.) fortunately his anxiety came under control with the acceptance and non-judgement I showed him and he slowly accepted his mistake and took necessary steps to right the wrong as best he could in the circumstance.
I am using this approach right now with a young lady who hates herself (due to abuse, violation, and assaults inflicted on her by her own parents)
for me it comes naturally to show compassion, the tricky bit is keeping the relationship professional as they are so appreciative of you and your help.

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Natasha Flern, Psychology, BE says

Thank you , i’ve found the case interesting, The technique is quite soothing, and the client appears calmly rested. Great tool!

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Parsley Veshij, Social Work, AW says

“So you’ve been bad”

“What could be differently happening”

“Just couldn’t be any different”

“So what else to accept?”

Is this what the video’s about? Please correct me if I am wrong.

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- Ali Ved, Medicine, AR says
  
  No, you are using the critic’s voice by saying that. The idea is to develop the compassionate voice.
  It is not about accepting, is about understanding internal thought processes that dominates and disables by criticizing.
  
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  - Nakoft A, DE, USA says
    
    Ali – The belief can be the obstacle to the changes. It is coming out in a stronger and dominantly authoritative. It can feel like you are lying to yourselves and disconnecting to who you are. I would like to know if you work the same way with personality rather than mental disorder.
    
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Alex, Social Work, Cleveland , OH, USA says

Thank you so much for Dr. Silberstein-Tirch’s video plus all of the others in this series. This one resonated with me for a particular client who, by George, I believe this approach is likely to help! What I think will be particularly effective about this approach is that it doesn’t suggest abandoning the harmful critic, per se, but rather, while envisioning and creating an ideal motivating figure, the client may still notice when s/he believes s/he has made mistakes but allow oneself to address themselves with more humanity. Love this approach! Love this series! I hope to purchase series when able to. I agree with comment below stated by Nadia M.; “It couldn’t be any better.”

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- Alex, Social Work, Cleveland , OH, USA says
  
  I apologize for not noticing the autocorrect before posting. The person’s comment I was quoting below was Nasim, not Nadia. Sorry, Nasim!
  
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nasim mughal, Psychotherapy, PK says

I am or rather have been trying to help a client heal a deep feeling of not being good enough and shame. I can only express my gratitude to this series to open new avenues towards building a sound working alliance with my client.
I love the applications based helpful researched materials, and the manner it is communicated for us to follow
it couldn’t be any better

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Jayne Ash, Counseling, Los Lunas, NM, USA says

I have worked primarily in trauma response agencies and so many clients have taken on the shame of being abused and that it reflected a flaw in themselves. Being able to talk about it in a safe and affirming space seemed to do much to relieve shame. To know that they weren’t alone and that they could be witnessed with a fully present person who saw them in their entirety and didn’t judge them and invited them to develop that compassionate inner voice as I modeled it to them.

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