When we think of perfectionism, we often think of the rewards that sometimes come with it . . .
Dr. Buczynski: Perfectionism can give a client the means to become highly competent with all the rewards that come with that. It can also provide a sense of control that might have been missing in their life. But then there’s the flip side. Perfectionism and the stress that goes with it can become a huge drag on their health. Dr. Tatkin: The stress load on them is high, within the more inclined to get sick, more inclined to have to sleep, more have more inclined to be irritable, more inclined to suffer the anxiety of not being perfect, and the disappointment of comparison. Dr. Buczynski: That’s Dr. Stan Tatkin. When he’s working with a perfectionist he’ll often see some of these far-reaching effects and Deany Laliotis otis reminds us that the damage doesn’t always stop with the client. Ms. Laliotis: Not only is it ego-syntonic, it’s also ego-dystonic because it’s the source of great torment internally and it also wreaks havoc in their relationships with other people. Dr. Buczynski: Their relationships suffer and this is partly because of the way their mind has been retuned by these strict standards of how they should operate in life. It’s a rigid mindset that can have deep repercussions on the clients ability to connect with other people. Dr. Tatkin: The problems with perfection is that there’s a lot of anti-social qualities to it, nobody can do things as well as I can, I don’t suffer fools easily, I’m very critical of people who don’t meet my standards, I’m disappointed very easily. This is a painful issue, I’m very disappointed letdown, I’m always under stress and anxiety for which I will complain but I will not surrender that role, I’m always comparing self to others, a strong comparing mind, somebody’s doing something better. It gives rise to envy and that doesn’t make me want to strive to do better, but makes me want to eliminate the competition. Dr. Buczynski: You can see how the stakes raised on the one hand, the client has a process perfectionism that is helping them to achieve things, but on the other hand, that same process is breaking parts of them down. This is the great paradox. How do we approach it in treatment as Drs. Zindel Segel and Judson Brewer look at it, there needs to be a a crucial first step, we must help the clients start to orient toward the real-world costs of their behavior. Dr. Segal: Part of the conversation is really trying to see what is it that they’re interested in working with or how can they see that there may be series of domains in which the perfectionism is actually working against them. Dr. Brewer: I ask a simple question and have them really explore it, sometimes cognitively but more in an embodying fashion which is what do I get from this. That simple question of what do I get from this when they’re stuck in this loop of perfection, I gotta get it perfect, I gotta get this right, when they stop and just step back and ask themselves, what do I get from this? It’s a real aha moment for a lot of people because they see, oh I am anxious, I’m exhausted, I’m neglecting my family duties on this on this. What are you actually getting for that extra 5% better? Well it’s a little bit better but it’s still not perfect because it’s never perfect and that simple question helps them really dive into an explorer experientially, what the results are, or from a reward based learning standpoint, what that relative reward is to their brain. As other brain starts to see, this little dopamine hit of oh it feels good to fix that a little bit more doesn’t actually add up to all the negative costs that are coming in this direct moment from trying to be perfect, like being exhausted, being anxious, being this, being that, and so that simple question really helps them dive in and see very clearly what they’re getting, which is not that much and that helps to trigger change.
. . . think: the respect and admiration of others, the thrill of mastering a new skill, or the sense of accomplishment after a job well done.
And when a client is reveling in these kinds of payoffs, they often can’t see the very real costs of perfectionism.
Whether they are aware of it or not, the toll perfectionism extracts can be steep.
So how do we help clients recognize that the drive to be perfect can slowly chip away at their health or relationships?
In the video below, you’ll get expert insight into the high stakes of perfectionism, including a crucial first step for how to approach it in treatment.
Take a look, it’s about 4 ½ minutes.
Click here for full transcript
How do you work with a client who struggles with perfectionism?
Please share your comment below.
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One very important detail that very few people realize is that perfectionism is an issue of histamine. Anorexia also is about histamine. Of course talk therapy is helpful and necessary, but if someone isn’t making any progress with perfectionism, OTC meds like Zyrtec can give people the push they need in the right direction.
I began the 70% club and invite them to relax and enjoy!
Oh, there is so much room for improvement… let it be
Later
I think of perfectionism in relation to “creation” as found in the arts. In a broad sense we are all artists if only in the work of art which is our own lives; it is self expression. It is human to look for perfectionism; it is what keeps us reaching. It promotes “progress” and we are “works in progress.” It is trying to be successful in saying what we mean and meaning what we say. It can be found in a vocation, avocation, a conversation, our presentation, meditation, etc. (anything that expresses the primordial “I AM!”) where a variable attitude towards perfectionism promotes not only the success but also the satisfaction with the result (two sides of the same coin.) If we are satisfied with our creation then it has served its purpose; for each of us it is a success. If others see the work as a success then it can also be satisfying to us. It is a bit like an established norm; it stands as the benchmark for us until something better comes along. We know what is acceptable to each of us based upon our own wise and learned experience. What is acceptable to one person, might be unacceptable to another; there is no comparison here, just what is expressed and / or perceived in the most logical, harmonious and understandable way given the circumstances. Each of us is unique with our own strengths and deficiencies. Our expression is learned or intuitive just as our reaction and / or response is.
The down side of perfectionism is found in the neurotic and pathological states it creates. Some neurosis further the creative process. “Don’t throw the baby out with the bath water.” Again attitude plays a part. However, unhealthy adaptations can lead to physical and behavioral ill-health.
Ahhh, perfectionism!
I remember a rather amusing little snippet… one of the occasionally quoted examples of ‘that which is perfect’ – Persian rugs. But within the example came a little piece of ‘Eastern Wisdom’. And that was, that the craftsman making the rug should most certainly strive for perfection, but that he should always be sure that the rug should contain at least one faulty stitch. Why? Well, perhaps a warning about perfectionism – ”Only Allah can make something that is perfect’… 🙂
It is so funny , thanks for sharing 🙂
Remove “SHOULDS” from parenting and schools. It starts from stages of development that no parent seems to know. Inner light of the child are ignored and conditions of worth are placed on the child by all those around them full of their own shoulds. What chance did we have with that kind of discipline. It is so nice to do parenting groups to help parents realize this but usually the damage is done and repair is all that exists and a sudden put down starts the whole imbalance start again. Telling the client to find that inner child is not worthless work for them. I think is it imperative and really hard work which is sad since there is so much negative thinking that goes into these wonderful children. Let us all harness it and thanks for the topic. That stage of industry is severely put down as we grow and needs to be honored. It is never too late and up to us all to help ourself and those we help as well. Three cheers for our mistakes!!