A 4-Step Process for Working with a Client's Shadow Side

As therapists, we know just how transformative it can be for clients to explore their shadow side.

But that’s often a hard ask – because the thing is, most clients would do anything to avoid talking about (or even acknowledging) the parts of themselves that they’re ashamed or afraid of.

So in the video below, I wanted to share with you the four-step process that Chris Irons, PhD uses to help clients better tolerate shadow work.

Have a look.

Click here for full transcript

One helpful thing from a compassion focused therapy perspective, is finding ways to de-shame the shadow. The language of shadow in and of itself sometimes can be quite tricky for people. And so sometimes we have to think about other words or labels that we want to use with our clients so that they can understand what we’re getting at here. But one of the tricky things of course, is that people can have an automatic association that this is bad somehow, that shadow stuff is bad. Whereas of course, what we’re trying to help people to do is understand that there is no bad or good. That all of these things are just human things. And in particular, one of the key things that help people when they start to get into shadow work is first of all, developing a part of you that’s able to tolerate your fear, your shame, your threat system activation around whatever is in your shadow.

So regardless of what’s in your shadow, whether it is narcissism, grandiosity, whether it’s anger, whether it’s sadness, it’s first of all, building a part of you that actually can be in the presence of those things without getting caught up in fight or flight stuff, avoidance, invalidation, self-criticism. Once we’re able to tolerate this, it’s then helping people to start exposing themselves to this and being able to invite them to occupy this space for a little while. So for example, in CFT we’d do things like multiple selves work, which is like parts work. We would of course do things like chair work. And I can invite my client to sit in a chair where for a short period of time, I’ll invite them to articulate or to voice what their shadow might be like.

Now the key thing here of course, is that at this unintegrated stage, it might well be that we’re not saying that this is you, but more just inviting, “If you were to spend a few moments speaking as this part, what would it want to say? What would it want to do?” And my clients might say, “But I’m not that. And I don’t like the idea of this.” “That’s okay. That’s okay. That’s fine. I’m not saying that this is you, but let’s just see for a moment, even if you just had to act as if it for a while, let’s just see, what would it say? What would it want to do? Where might you feel that inside of you?” So slowly exposing people to occupying this part, beginning to inhabit the pattern of this part.

And then as time goes on, of course, what we can do is bring compassion to whatever is in the shadow. So beginning to de-shame, to validate and understand why it’s in the shadow, but also of course, it’s the wisdom of your compassionate self that can see that rather than this shadow part being bad, that there can be wisdom in this, that if we’re blocked, for example, to anger, that it might be exceptionally difficult in the world to stick up for yourself, to get your needs met. That if your sadness is in shadow, then it can be very difficult to signal out to other people that you’re in need of help, that you’re experiencing pain.

So to recognize then that actually there are some wisdoms that can be held in these parts. It’s almost like they have a view of the landscape which is different. They can see different insights. And then of course, to be able to help the person to begin to integrate, to help the person to find a way so that actually this can just be another part of self that isn’t the entirety of them, but that they are able to accept and allow to be part of their lives and to find wise ways of expressing them.

Because the key thing of course, is not so much that you bring the shadow into the light and it suddenly just loses all of its fear and the rest of it, but that you bring the shadow into a compassionate frame in which then with the help of the wisdom and the strength and the commitment of your compassionate self, we can guide some of these unpalatable or previously unpalatable aspects of self. We can guide them to start being expressed in a way that is okay, that feels safe, and that can be helpful for you and even helpful for other people.

Want to hear more expert strategies for working with the shadow side? Check out this course while it’s 50% off.

You’ll hear from Bessel van der Kolk, MD, Janina Fisher, PhD; Stephen Porges, PhD; Frank Anderson, MD, and many other top experts.

But before you do, I’d like to hear your thoughts. How do you help clients feel more comfortable with their shadow parts? Let me know in the comments below.

1 Comment

Anette Alvaredo, Counseling, ES says

i absolutely agree…every shadow part has such an important role in the clients life ( mostly protection) that we can appreciate this part and give it attention, compassion and understanding, even gratitude towards this shadow part can be so helpful.
As for me integration is acceptance of everything thats human and recognition about the fact that we all have our shadow parts , that the client can feel connected to others again and doesnt need to feel excluded because he believed somehow, he would be less lovely and would feel excluded from society… to feel this solidarity even face ing the shadow part means a big relief for them.
Thanks for the ideas, Anette Alvaredo, IACT Hypnotherapist/REgression Therapist, Spain/Germany

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