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A Practical Skill for Defusing Anger

112 Comments

Anger is a normal (and often necessary) emotion.

But when tempers flare and rage ensues, our clients’ relationships suffer, their stress levels skyrocket, and reactivity simply takes over.

So how can people shift out of anger once the fuse is lit?
In the video below, Marsha Linehan, PhD will share a practical skill to help clients defuse anger before it escalates beyond control.

Take a look – it’s about 2 ½ minutes.

Click here for full transcript
Anger is an excess of emotion, once again, and your emotion goes way up. So what we did was we developed a number of skills for it. One of the skills, this is hard to believe that it works so well, but actually it does work as it turns out. I took in spirituality actually and it had to do with the concept of willing hands. When you put your hands like this, I’ll show them to you right up there. If you get angry and you’re trying to get your anger to go down, so this is when you’ve already convinced them to getting their anger to go down. So I’ll come back to what you do if you can’t convince them into that, but this then what you do is you can tell a person to put their rowing hands by the side or on their on their knees. It turns out it is really very difficult to stay angry with rowing. I had a friend from Europe calling me up after I taught it saying, “I can’t be angry.” What is really terrible is I’ve lost my ability being right so that’s good to keep doing, rolling hands. So that’s a really good strategy for all of us. It’s extremely good if you had a meeting. Dr. Buczynski: Can you stand up and show me by your side what you mean? Dr. Linehan: You just have will against like this. Dr. Buczynski: I see, okay. Could you push your chair back for a moment and show me on your knees? I’ll tell you when I can see you. Push back further. Okay, I see. Thank you. Dr. Linehan: I’ll give you a really good story on that. This particular person was an adolescent, she was about 18 or something and she had a bunch of her friends who’ve gone shopping. So when she went shopping, that person that she was buying from was really mean to her. I don’t know why, but when she told me what this person said and she said “I was staying there, Marsha, and I was starting to get really angry at her. Then I remembered you and I made willing hands and my anger immediately went down.” If you can get a person to believe that, one of the promises anger and that reducing anger is in their interest then you can get them to practice this.

 
Marsha’s strategy is practical, it’s simple, and it’s something clients can use right away, in almost any situation where anger threatens to boil over.

Now we’d like to hear from you. What have you found to be effective in working with a client’s anger?
Please leave a comment below.

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112 Comments

  1. Suzanne Bigras, Another Field, CA says

    Instant relief from what I believed to be Instant Reaction. As I practice I feel like I am reorganizing my nervous system.
    It feels peculiar in my body. Almost like it doesn’t know what to do after.
    I have cried in relief also laughed hysterically.
    Very similar reaction as when I do EFT.
    Thank you so very much.
    Great for children with quick anger response. They may be able to minimize their programming response so that they don’t damage their pathway to the EXECUTOR. ( frontal cortex).

    Reply
  2. Dona Salina Bramall, Psychology, GB says

    I was aware of that already that’s what you do when you try to meditate it brings good energy when you open your hands upwards thanks Dona Salina Giat Bramall

    Reply
  3. Gabriole Jangze, Coach, CA says

    What a great tool! Thank you!
    I use EFT tapping with my clients or myself and or deep breathing.

    Reply
  4. Joy Freeman, Counseling, Del Mar, CA, USA says

    Thank you for this! and the chart!

    I have purchased 3 of your courses and they are fantastic! Thank you Ruth as well as all the wonderful teachers.

    It seems it is really time to turn this world around, and our work, to me is at the core of what will help do it – one human at a time!

    Reply
  5. Lisa Schiro, Counseling, Boise, ID, USA says

    Great idea. Opening up the body language implies vulnerability…It is in this vulnerability where we learn so much about how much we can tolerate. Love it 🙂

    Reply
  6. Jill Tannenbaum, Another Field, Yardley, PA, USA says

    Thank you for all this wonderful information. I am a Hypnotherapist. It is very helpful to give a client useful tools and so easy. People are amazed by this method! As am I!

    Reply
  7. Tia Almpoura, Psychology, GR says

    Thank you so much for sharing!
    I’ve tried this tip with two clients already with anger issues, and it works miracles!
    Thanks again 🙂

    Reply
  8. Liz Williams, Other, GB says

    Interesting to see that it’s the same gesture as used in the samastitthi yoga position – hands slightly turned forward and out when standing. Being with in a steady and easeful relationship – with oneself.
    Great to hear that it works in difficult or confrontational situations too!

    Reply
  9. Jody L, Coach, statewide, NJ, USA says

    Such a great tool both for on the go And for building sense of spirit and sacred as with Mudra hand placements.
    Palms up, taps into energies of universal archetype of allow, offer and receive And embodies a chain reaction of opening ~expansion (ie opposite of contracted, coiled tightness that kindles anger shape and rhythm). Shoulders rotate back when we put our palms up;that expands ribcage (chest); breathing then also shifts; and as that happens our necks shift and eyes ie gaze tends to shift ahead…
    so… instead of closed in, entrapped in and as arousal pattern, the whole system is softly prompted to ‘stand down’…and the word ‘willing’ gently prompts a gentleness of somatic soothing. I imagine the Vegus nerve loves this as a sigh of release, and in the comforting relief of a lullaby.

    Reply
    • Justine McGregor, Counseling, GB says

      Thank you so much for sharing your knowledge. I am a student counsellor in the UK and I am finding my self drawn to the vital inclusion of embodied practice. Mind and body cannot be separated and I want to become more than just a talking therapy for clients. It is just wonderful to embrace integrative approaches inspired by yoga concepts as per the comment above yours.

      Reply
    • Laura S, Nursing, CA says

      Thank you for that wonderful explanation!

      Reply
    • Penny Errill, Social Work, GB says

      Yes, beautifully simple but effective!

      Reply
  10. Teresa Marcin, Psychotherapy, MX says

    I have been using brething to reduce anger or stress and it seems to work. I will put in practice willing hands with one of my clients next week.
    Thank you for sharing.

    Reply
  11. Martha Hyde, Teacher, Amarillo, TX, USA says

    I am trying to help a person who must deal with the problems with both Medicare and the state’s version of SSI. She has been having seriously bad pain in her gut (gastroparesis) every morning (and sometimes all day) for the past 3 months, with little real help from her doctors. They keep doing small tweaks to her 19 pills a day that are supposed to ease all the symptoms. She is losing weight because there is little food that doesn’t cause more pain when she eats. Doctors keep removing items from her list of allowed foods and only once in a while hits on something she can eat.

    She is on SSI because of a history of childhood sexual abuse and bipolar disorder. But I have had to go to her apartment 4 times this past month because she has threatened suicide, she feels so hopeless about ever getting a day when she can awaken without bad gut pain. One doctor would not recommend a home health care worker because “she would be getting better,” referring to her gut pain. That was one month ago. [For the life of me I cannot figure out how the doctor was so confident that she would get better]. Three months is considered chronic on internet pages. Her drugs, including her anxiety drugs, have recently been adjusted and she now goes into bad depression. Today’s was the worst I have ever seen.

    Is there a similar trick to alleviate depression?

    She is very religious and would understand the concept of “willing hands” to control anger immediately. But I have never seen her get angry at the state agencies or incompetent doctors for not helping her. Instead, I see her losing any hope of getting better and wondering why do anything now if nothing helps and her financial situation is being threatened by all sorts of things happening right now. She is losing the will to live. If she went to the state’s idea of a mental hospital, they will not give her any of the medications she is on now, making sure that she will have no recourse for alleviating the pain eventually later on in the day.

    Reply
    • hilary jenkinson, Health Education, GB says

      Try reiki for this lady. And deep belly breathing in through nise out tgrough mouth.
      Also clinical hypnotherapist may he able yo help to unlock her trauma through bridge affect. So not going into story so much but releasing it from her body.
      Good luck.

      Reply
    • Erika Rosslee, Teacher, OM says

      TRE can be extremely helpful in releasing stress and tension from the body. I have had very similar symptoms over the past 6 years and also survived childhood sexual abuse as well as suicidal thoughts. My health started improving the moment I changed my toxic home environment (long term destructive relationship), it was the main cause of many health problems. From my experience I would definitely recommend looking at her home circumstances to get to the root cause of her illness.
      Regarding the technique on how to deal with anger, although it would most probably be helpful to people with anger issues, I would not advice someone who has been abused to use this technique. My reason for this is that abused people are often denied of the right to be angry, often having had to suppress (hold in) feelings of anger for long periods of time. Abuse victims first need to learn how to identify and verbalise their feelings before being able to process these emotions. Depression can also be seen as anger turned inward, when one can recognize the reason for anger towards self (in my case not standing up for self in abusive situations) and practise self compassion plus forgiveness, healing can begin.

      Reply
  12. Ada Grasselli, Medicine, IT says

    So simple and so effective.. Thank you for sharing!

    Reply
  13. Linda Ch, Teacher, CA says

    I tried this and noted its immediate soothing impact. Is there a similar physical behaviour that can assist someone to ease a sensation of fear?

    Reply
  14. David Nicho, Marriage/Family Therapy, West Chester, PA, USA says

    Extremely fascinating! Thanks!! Any ideas as to how & why this technique works so well?

    Reply
  15. Mary Curro, Stress Management, Portsmouth, VA, USA says

    Thank you. Willing Hands looks like a great tool. I have found that to remind yourself that the annoying, unreasonable or mean behavior is about THEM, not you. I imagine a combination of the two would be great!

    Reply
  16. Judy Hanazawa, Counseling, CA says

    I think if a person becomes angry because they have been treated unfairly or something negative and not true was said, it’s important to speak out so I’ve had discussions with people where I’ve suggested doing that and not let this wrongdoing go without correction. The willing hands can help maintain composure while speaking out in response to what was done.

    Reply
  17. JORGE JARAMILLO A, Counseling, EC says

    Simple and very strong.
    It works like a straight contact with the universe and the self.
    Extremely practical.
    Thank you Marsha for sharing this superb tool.

    Reply
  18. Providence Hogan, Other, Brooklyn, NY, USA says

    Wonderful. Thank you.

    Reply
  19. BRIAN Steppacher, Other, South Portland, ME, USA says

    Thank you.
    I need this in my life, although I won’t take my hands off the steering wheel when I am driving. Maybe just imagining it will do the trick.
    Regards.

    Reply
    • Charlene Coastal Life, Counseling, Orange Beach, AL, USA says

      Brian, try releasing the pressure on the steering wheel, maybe alternate hands opening fingers, keeping control between the thumb and index finger. Relax the shoulders and back.

      Reply
  20. Mary Auckland, Other, GB says

    My therapist used this movement to reach out to me once – not because either of us was angry rather because I was blocked. She made the gesture not me. The effect on me was profound. I felt safe, loved – and I felt myself let go and open up. I recall that moment often as one of my strategies to ground myself

    Reply
  21. A Whittaker says

    I have used this for years on myself and have no idea why I ever started it. I have asked clients for two years now to use this to help with breathing, calming down, and anger. Never knew it had a label, it has worked on myself and clients definitely say they feel the benefits.

    Reply
  22. Adele says

    Nice. I use prayer position and it has a similar effect but will hand is more subtle

    Reply
  23. W.Buchanan says

    I cannot wait to use this. Will let you know when the next client needs this

    Reply
  24. Nadine Scott says

    A very good tip that I’ll be trying in the future.

    Reply
  25. Trish Johnson says

    I may use mental skills – take a step back, acknowledge the feeling, even welcome it, to give space to your brain.
    Also body skills such as breath focus, hand on your heart etc.
    I really like this simple bodily gesture, and can think of some clients who could really use this straightaway.
    Thank you.

    Reply
  26. Jan Newman MD says

    I follow teachings of 2 Buddhist/yogic schools on this:
    1) Acknowledge that you are angry. Drop the object of your anger and focus on the feeling as you focus on the feeling it will dissapate. Then you can deal with the situation as is required. This requires repeated practice until it becomes habit. If needed you can act angry, but without your personal emotions commanding the situation.
    2) Embrass your anger as if it is your baby. “My little anger I am sorry things didn’t go your way…” This one has a self-compassion element.
    Both have an increased awareness aspect.

    Reply
  27. LYNN GOOLD says

    so practical! Thank you

    Reply
  28. Lisa Hartnett, D.C. says

    I notice it and embrace it lovingly or mindfully with my attention and it allows it to be and pass. If my anger is really strong it may take longer and I may need to spend time with myself to understand and emphasize with myself and my needs that were not met to deescalate my anger. Bringing self understanding helps when my anger is strong or persistent and opens my heart and a feeling o self compassion.

    Reply
  29. Nun Katherine says

    I tried have now tried this with clients who report that it defused the anger when they were thinking about an anger episode. Then I had them think of other episodes and watch me make willing hands without doing it themselves. This also had a calming effect. I tried this inspired by recently-watched deescalation tutorial videos. I recognized after watching Dr. Linehan that the deescalation trainers approached agitated patents with willing hands, sometimes keeping them up and in front of them the whole conversation. So willing hands may also be a resource for family members of an anger-prone person.

    Reply
  30. Christine Bell says

    I believe that the brain needs 10 seconds to allow the frontal lobe to reconnect and allow our executive functions to kick in, therefore anything that distracts us from our anger for those 10 seconds can work. The old adage of count to 10 or doing the willing hands can provide this distraction.

    Reply
  31. Pauline says

    I find it very interesting as we use deep breathing as a way to calm oneself down, this practical skill of defusing anger goes a big step as client is more easy and willing to try this. This is because client does not have to do much but just putting their hands out and down.
    I definitely will try this with my clients.

    Reply
  32. Anne says

    I was already angry at the time I read the post and was amazed to experience how the body works so well in conjunction with emotions. Those “willing hands” sent a message that totally calmed me to the point I was able re-enter the conversation, have a very good discussion and not experience anger. Tried it the next day to avert agitation and it worked again. I’m teaching this and walking around with “willing hands” – my amygdala, hypothalamus, pituitary, and adrenal glands are thanking me already……..!!!!
    I’m thanking Dr. Linehan!

    Reply
  33. Paula says

    This is an easy and quick way to help children with their anger issues. Thanks for sharing

    Reply
  34. sam says

    Thank you for the video-very useful skill

    Reply
  35. Paula Reeves says

    How does Martha frame the concept “willing Hands? P.Reeves

    Reply
  36. J. Danielson says

    Finally, something so simple that even angry people can learn to remember it under pressure. It feels like acceptance and surrender. Also reminds me of Hakomi and “riding the rapids,” in which a part is passionately enraged and railing on for usually not more than 5-10 minutes. So, I see that it works both ways–when we’re angry or when faced with angry others. Thank you so much Dr. Linehan!

    Reply
  37. Marcia Sapoznik says

    Ruth and Marsha, Thanks for this short and insightful video. I practice Tai-Chi and one of the first moves we learn is to bend-knees slightly, so the person feels grounded. Then we start taking deep-breaths and along with this deep-breath we start raising our hands very slowly, and we breath-in with palms open and fingers extended out. And as we exhale – the hands go down slowly, palms open, and end up next to our bodies, fingers extended yet relaxed. I teach this to many of my clients and they respond well to this slow meditative breath and movement. This “Willing-Hands” exercise reminds me of this Tai-Chi step because when hands are open and relaxed, the elbows, shoulders, and neck also relax, thus making it easier to take deep breaths, which cleanse the mind of negative thoughts. Also, the movement of Willing-Hands looks as if a person is ready to receive a gift, and that gift is reduced anger and becoming calmer. I will add the Willing-Hands as my gift to my clients.

    Reply
  38. Jean says

    Interesting way of reducing anger. The method of counting to 10 slowly and delibetately can also help in producing calmess when a client is angry. This engages the brain and other parts of the body.

    Reply
  39. Joanne Freeman says

    Very interesting . I shall try this with my angry clients.
    I teach my clients to shake their anger out, literally shaking the adrenaline out of their whole body and then hugggibg themselves to release oxytocin in an attempt to rebalance the stress hormones and create equilibrium. It’s very good for anxiety too.
    However it’s not always convenient in public places to carry out this strategy. So Marsha’s strategy I will certainly use myself and pass on to my clients.
    Thank you !
    Joanne Freeman

    Reply
  40. Caroline Minto says

    Thank you Marsha, and Thank you Ruth for bringing us to this video. I am going to use this with a young man who is plagued by anxiety and severe panic response, which is equal to extreme and unbridled anger. In these situations the anger doesn’t well up and build to a climax; it is a nano-second response to sensory input of noise on the street, or a perceived look from a person as they pass, and and immediatly it is of flood gates or damn bursting proportion… I will try to teach this, but Marsha did mention how you might engage a person to prepare – and in a case such as this there is no ‘situation assessment’ phase.
    It is a spiritual exercise, and perhaps to ask a person to begin the day with deep breathing by an open window, listening to the birds, or the wind and rain, with Willing Hands beside them, to begin to feel the benefit in a non threat situation, and for this young man to begin his walking outside in the Willing Hands position! Buona Pasqua! CM

    Reply
  41. Lenora Wing Lun says

    Yes sounds useful. Interested to see how it works.

    Reply
  42. Dahna Berkson says

    Very interesting!
    I have a client who’s primary issue is anger…I will try this! Athabjs tiu Marsha!
    Dahna

    Reply
    • Dahna Berkson says

      I meant thank you Marsha! But couldn’t see the text lol

      Reply
  43. Joanne Messier says

    I found this Marsha’s suggested strategy of the willing hands to be so simple and hopefully effective to help diffuse a client’s or anyone’s anger. It would have been nice to see an actual video of an angry person employing this technique and to watch how effective actually was.

    Reply
    • Karen Jo, Other, Davison, MI, USA says

      Agreed and seconded, Joanne!
      Ruth – could we see a practical in-action video of this technique?
      I learn and internalize much better with visual reinforcement!

      Reply
  44. Marie Winfield says

    I found this extremely interesting and tried it out as I was watching the video. I wasn’t angry at the time but experienced a high level of calm by assuming the positions. I will experiment with this in sessions with my clients if they go into overwhelm or who suffer with anxiety/panic and ask if it is helpful. Thank you so much for this.
    Warm Regards
    marie Winfield

    Reply
  45. Teya Flaster says

    Re: Wiling Hands; the mind-body connection is effectively dealt with in this simple, effective way. But there are moments when this gesture; “willing hands” is not possible eg. while driving. In those cases, I suggest learning to practice patience, which is not easy, but with a bit of encouragement, someone can be reminded that being angry at the “bad driver” gets us nowhere. What helps? Remembering there will always be someone or something that gets in our way. Living Life on Life’s terms, i guess.

    Reply
    • Joy Hughes says

      Hi Teya! Deep breathing while driving is a good technique. Just don’t close your eyes!!

      Reply
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