Anger is a normal (and often necessary) emotion.
But when tempers flare and rage ensues, our clients’ relationships suffer, their stress levels skyrocket, and reactivity simply takes over.
So how can people shift out of anger once the fuse is lit?
In the video below, Marsha Linehan, PhD will share a practical skill to help clients defuse anger before it escalates beyond control.
Take a look – it’s about 2 ½ minutes.
Marsha’s strategy is practical, it’s simple, and it’s something clients can use right away, in almost any situation where anger threatens to boil over.
Now we’d like to hear from you. What have you found to be effective in working with a client’s anger?
Please leave a comment below.
Instant relief from what I believed to be Instant Reaction. As I practice I feel like I am reorganizing my nervous system.
It feels peculiar in my body. Almost like it doesn’t know what to do after.
I have cried in relief also laughed hysterically.
Very similar reaction as when I do EFT.
Thank you so very much.
Great for children with quick anger response. They may be able to minimize their programming response so that they don’t damage their pathway to the EXECUTOR. ( frontal cortex).
I was aware of that already that’s what you do when you try to meditate it brings good energy when you open your hands upwards thanks Dona Salina Giat Bramall
What a great tool! Thank you!
I use EFT tapping with my clients or myself and or deep breathing.
Thank you for this! and the chart!
I have purchased 3 of your courses and they are fantastic! Thank you Ruth as well as all the wonderful teachers.
It seems it is really time to turn this world around, and our work, to me is at the core of what will help do it – one human at a time!
Great idea. Opening up the body language implies vulnerability…It is in this vulnerability where we learn so much about how much we can tolerate. Love it 🙂
Thank you for all this wonderful information. I am a Hypnotherapist. It is very helpful to give a client useful tools and so easy. People are amazed by this method! As am I!
Thank you so much for sharing!
I’ve tried this tip with two clients already with anger issues, and it works miracles!
Thanks again 🙂
Interesting to see that it’s the same gesture as used in the samastitthi yoga position – hands slightly turned forward and out when standing. Being with in a steady and easeful relationship – with oneself.
Great to hear that it works in difficult or confrontational situations too!
Such a great tool both for on the go And for building sense of spirit and sacred as with Mudra hand placements.
Palms up, taps into energies of universal archetype of allow, offer and receive And embodies a chain reaction of opening ~expansion (ie opposite of contracted, coiled tightness that kindles anger shape and rhythm). Shoulders rotate back when we put our palms up;that expands ribcage (chest); breathing then also shifts; and as that happens our necks shift and eyes ie gaze tends to shift ahead…
so… instead of closed in, entrapped in and as arousal pattern, the whole system is softly prompted to ‘stand down’…and the word ‘willing’ gently prompts a gentleness of somatic soothing. I imagine the Vegus nerve loves this as a sigh of release, and in the comforting relief of a lullaby.
Thank you so much for sharing your knowledge. I am a student counsellor in the UK and I am finding my self drawn to the vital inclusion of embodied practice. Mind and body cannot be separated and I want to become more than just a talking therapy for clients. It is just wonderful to embrace integrative approaches inspired by yoga concepts as per the comment above yours.
Thank you for that wonderful explanation!
Yes, beautifully simple but effective!
I have been using brething to reduce anger or stress and it seems to work. I will put in practice willing hands with one of my clients next week.
Thank you for sharing.
I am trying to help a person who must deal with the problems with both Medicare and the state’s version of SSI. She has been having seriously bad pain in her gut (gastroparesis) every morning (and sometimes all day) for the past 3 months, with little real help from her doctors. They keep doing small tweaks to her 19 pills a day that are supposed to ease all the symptoms. She is losing weight because there is little food that doesn’t cause more pain when she eats. Doctors keep removing items from her list of allowed foods and only once in a while hits on something she can eat.
She is on SSI because of a history of childhood sexual abuse and bipolar disorder. But I have had to go to her apartment 4 times this past month because she has threatened suicide, she feels so hopeless about ever getting a day when she can awaken without bad gut pain. One doctor would not recommend a home health care worker because “she would be getting better,” referring to her gut pain. That was one month ago. [For the life of me I cannot figure out how the doctor was so confident that she would get better]. Three months is considered chronic on internet pages. Her drugs, including her anxiety drugs, have recently been adjusted and she now goes into bad depression. Today’s was the worst I have ever seen.
Is there a similar trick to alleviate depression?
She is very religious and would understand the concept of “willing hands” to control anger immediately. But I have never seen her get angry at the state agencies or incompetent doctors for not helping her. Instead, I see her losing any hope of getting better and wondering why do anything now if nothing helps and her financial situation is being threatened by all sorts of things happening right now. She is losing the will to live. If she went to the state’s idea of a mental hospital, they will not give her any of the medications she is on now, making sure that she will have no recourse for alleviating the pain eventually later on in the day.
Try reiki for this lady. And deep belly breathing in through nise out tgrough mouth.
Also clinical hypnotherapist may he able yo help to unlock her trauma through bridge affect. So not going into story so much but releasing it from her body.
Good luck.
TRE can be extremely helpful in releasing stress and tension from the body. I have had very similar symptoms over the past 6 years and also survived childhood sexual abuse as well as suicidal thoughts. My health started improving the moment I changed my toxic home environment (long term destructive relationship), it was the main cause of many health problems. From my experience I would definitely recommend looking at her home circumstances to get to the root cause of her illness.
Regarding the technique on how to deal with anger, although it would most probably be helpful to people with anger issues, I would not advice someone who has been abused to use this technique. My reason for this is that abused people are often denied of the right to be angry, often having had to suppress (hold in) feelings of anger for long periods of time. Abuse victims first need to learn how to identify and verbalise their feelings before being able to process these emotions. Depression can also be seen as anger turned inward, when one can recognize the reason for anger towards self (in my case not standing up for self in abusive situations) and practise self compassion plus forgiveness, healing can begin.
So simple and so effective.. Thank you for sharing!
I tried this and noted its immediate soothing impact. Is there a similar physical behaviour that can assist someone to ease a sensation of fear?
Extremely fascinating! Thanks!! Any ideas as to how & why this technique works so well?
Thank you. Willing Hands looks like a great tool. I have found that to remind yourself that the annoying, unreasonable or mean behavior is about THEM, not you. I imagine a combination of the two would be great!
I think if a person becomes angry because they have been treated unfairly or something negative and not true was said, it’s important to speak out so I’ve had discussions with people where I’ve suggested doing that and not let this wrongdoing go without correction. The willing hands can help maintain composure while speaking out in response to what was done.
Simple and very strong.
It works like a straight contact with the universe and the self.
Extremely practical.
Thank you Marsha for sharing this superb tool.
Wonderful. Thank you.
Thank you.
I need this in my life, although I won’t take my hands off the steering wheel when I am driving. Maybe just imagining it will do the trick.
Regards.
Brian, try releasing the pressure on the steering wheel, maybe alternate hands opening fingers, keeping control between the thumb and index finger. Relax the shoulders and back.
My therapist used this movement to reach out to me once – not because either of us was angry rather because I was blocked. She made the gesture not me. The effect on me was profound. I felt safe, loved – and I felt myself let go and open up. I recall that moment often as one of my strategies to ground myself
I have used this for years on myself and have no idea why I ever started it. I have asked clients for two years now to use this to help with breathing, calming down, and anger. Never knew it had a label, it has worked on myself and clients definitely say they feel the benefits.
Nice. I use prayer position and it has a similar effect but will hand is more subtle
I cannot wait to use this. Will let you know when the next client needs this
A very good tip that I’ll be trying in the future.
I may use mental skills – take a step back, acknowledge the feeling, even welcome it, to give space to your brain.
Also body skills such as breath focus, hand on your heart etc.
I really like this simple bodily gesture, and can think of some clients who could really use this straightaway.
Thank you.
I follow teachings of 2 Buddhist/yogic schools on this:
1) Acknowledge that you are angry. Drop the object of your anger and focus on the feeling as you focus on the feeling it will dissapate. Then you can deal with the situation as is required. This requires repeated practice until it becomes habit. If needed you can act angry, but without your personal emotions commanding the situation.
2) Embrass your anger as if it is your baby. “My little anger I am sorry things didn’t go your way…” This one has a self-compassion element.
Both have an increased awareness aspect.
so practical! Thank you
I notice it and embrace it lovingly or mindfully with my attention and it allows it to be and pass. If my anger is really strong it may take longer and I may need to spend time with myself to understand and emphasize with myself and my needs that were not met to deescalate my anger. Bringing self understanding helps when my anger is strong or persistent and opens my heart and a feeling o self compassion.
I tried have now tried this with clients who report that it defused the anger when they were thinking about an anger episode. Then I had them think of other episodes and watch me make willing hands without doing it themselves. This also had a calming effect. I tried this inspired by recently-watched deescalation tutorial videos. I recognized after watching Dr. Linehan that the deescalation trainers approached agitated patents with willing hands, sometimes keeping them up and in front of them the whole conversation. So willing hands may also be a resource for family members of an anger-prone person.
I believe that the brain needs 10 seconds to allow the frontal lobe to reconnect and allow our executive functions to kick in, therefore anything that distracts us from our anger for those 10 seconds can work. The old adage of count to 10 or doing the willing hands can provide this distraction.
I find it very interesting as we use deep breathing as a way to calm oneself down, this practical skill of defusing anger goes a big step as client is more easy and willing to try this. This is because client does not have to do much but just putting their hands out and down.
I definitely will try this with my clients.
I was already angry at the time I read the post and was amazed to experience how the body works so well in conjunction with emotions. Those “willing hands” sent a message that totally calmed me to the point I was able re-enter the conversation, have a very good discussion and not experience anger. Tried it the next day to avert agitation and it worked again. I’m teaching this and walking around with “willing hands” – my amygdala, hypothalamus, pituitary, and adrenal glands are thanking me already……..!!!!
I’m thanking Dr. Linehan!
This is an easy and quick way to help children with their anger issues. Thanks for sharing
Thank you for the video-very useful skill
How does Martha frame the concept “willing Hands? P.Reeves
Finally, something so simple that even angry people can learn to remember it under pressure. It feels like acceptance and surrender. Also reminds me of Hakomi and “riding the rapids,” in which a part is passionately enraged and railing on for usually not more than 5-10 minutes. So, I see that it works both ways–when we’re angry or when faced with angry others. Thank you so much Dr. Linehan!
Ruth and Marsha, Thanks for this short and insightful video. I practice Tai-Chi and one of the first moves we learn is to bend-knees slightly, so the person feels grounded. Then we start taking deep-breaths and along with this deep-breath we start raising our hands very slowly, and we breath-in with palms open and fingers extended out. And as we exhale – the hands go down slowly, palms open, and end up next to our bodies, fingers extended yet relaxed. I teach this to many of my clients and they respond well to this slow meditative breath and movement. This “Willing-Hands” exercise reminds me of this Tai-Chi step because when hands are open and relaxed, the elbows, shoulders, and neck also relax, thus making it easier to take deep breaths, which cleanse the mind of negative thoughts. Also, the movement of Willing-Hands looks as if a person is ready to receive a gift, and that gift is reduced anger and becoming calmer. I will add the Willing-Hands as my gift to my clients.
Interesting way of reducing anger. The method of counting to 10 slowly and delibetately can also help in producing calmess when a client is angry. This engages the brain and other parts of the body.
Very interesting . I shall try this with my angry clients.
I teach my clients to shake their anger out, literally shaking the adrenaline out of their whole body and then hugggibg themselves to release oxytocin in an attempt to rebalance the stress hormones and create equilibrium. It’s very good for anxiety too.
However it’s not always convenient in public places to carry out this strategy. So Marsha’s strategy I will certainly use myself and pass on to my clients.
Thank you !
Joanne Freeman
Thank you Marsha, and Thank you Ruth for bringing us to this video. I am going to use this with a young man who is plagued by anxiety and severe panic response, which is equal to extreme and unbridled anger. In these situations the anger doesn’t well up and build to a climax; it is a nano-second response to sensory input of noise on the street, or a perceived look from a person as they pass, and and immediatly it is of flood gates or damn bursting proportion… I will try to teach this, but Marsha did mention how you might engage a person to prepare – and in a case such as this there is no ‘situation assessment’ phase.
It is a spiritual exercise, and perhaps to ask a person to begin the day with deep breathing by an open window, listening to the birds, or the wind and rain, with Willing Hands beside them, to begin to feel the benefit in a non threat situation, and for this young man to begin his walking outside in the Willing Hands position! Buona Pasqua! CM
Yes sounds useful. Interested to see how it works.
Very interesting!
I have a client who’s primary issue is anger…I will try this! Athabjs tiu Marsha!
Dahna
I meant thank you Marsha! But couldn’t see the text lol
I found this Marsha’s suggested strategy of the willing hands to be so simple and hopefully effective to help diffuse a client’s or anyone’s anger. It would have been nice to see an actual video of an angry person employing this technique and to watch how effective actually was.
Agreed and seconded, Joanne!
Ruth – could we see a practical in-action video of this technique?
I learn and internalize much better with visual reinforcement!
I found this extremely interesting and tried it out as I was watching the video. I wasn’t angry at the time but experienced a high level of calm by assuming the positions. I will experiment with this in sessions with my clients if they go into overwhelm or who suffer with anxiety/panic and ask if it is helpful. Thank you so much for this.
Warm Regards
marie Winfield
Re: Wiling Hands; the mind-body connection is effectively dealt with in this simple, effective way. But there are moments when this gesture; “willing hands” is not possible eg. while driving. In those cases, I suggest learning to practice patience, which is not easy, but with a bit of encouragement, someone can be reminded that being angry at the “bad driver” gets us nowhere. What helps? Remembering there will always be someone or something that gets in our way. Living Life on Life’s terms, i guess.
Hi Teya! Deep breathing while driving is a good technique. Just don’t close your eyes!!