2 Steps for Working with Resentment, with Lynn Lyons, LICSW

For many clients, letting go of resentment can be a struggle – especially when the pain of betrayal or trauma makes it feel well-earned.

So how do we help when resentment is preventing clients from moving forward and developing healthy relationships?

In the video below, Lynn Lyons LICSW will share 2 steps that can help shift a client’s burden of resentment without invalidating the pain that created it.

Click here for full transcript

So when somebody doesn’t want to give up resentment, and that’s sort of the nature of resentment, is that it can be pretty entangled in your whole life and what you do. And when you’re talking to somebody whose resentment to feel so valid and feels so earned, as I say, you’ve earned this resentment, and other people are saying, “You’ve got to let it go. It’s been five years, just move on.” What I really want to focus on with adults when I’m talking about that is that the idea of giving something up or letting something go or changing the way you feel is sometimes too big of a step. And so what I really want them to do, and I do this a lot with all thoughts, and I specialize in anxiety, is that how do we get some distance from it?Whenever we can give somebody some distance from a pattern so that they become an observer of their pattern, it doesn’t mean that we have to get rid of it. It doesn’t mean that it’s going to go away. And I think that sometimes saying to somebody, “Well, you’re going to let go of your resentment,” the implication in that or the way they hear that is that they’re not going to feel this anymore. They’re not going to think it anymore. And if you have a hard earned resentment, and if you have reason to really be angry at this person, giving somebody permission to feel what they’re going to feel and to think what they are going to think really takes the pressure off. So of course you’re going to have those thoughts, of course you’re going to have those feelings. And when they pop up, let’s see if we can change your reaction to them. So a lot of what I talk about with the families that I work with is step one and step two. Step one is you’re going to have a thought, a feeling, a reaction, and sometimes even a physical sensation. And we can’t really consciously mediate that a lot of the time. These thoughts pop up. You hear a song, somebody asks you a question and up come those thoughts and those feelings, up comes that resentment, and that’s perfectly fine. It’s what you do next that actually is going to determine the impact of this on yourself and on the people around you.So when we stop talking about letting go of, or stop talking about changing or moving on, lots of times the resistance sort of dissipates because we’re really saying, “You’re going to feel what you’re going to feel. And I get it. If I were you, I’d have those same feelings. I’d have those same thoughts. You’ve been through quite a battle and you’ve got some battle scars. But what are we going to do to shift that step two part so that your reaction to it can be perhaps adjusted or different than it used to be?” And so that helps shift out of this idea that we have to move forward or get rid of because people then feel resentful of you for saying you have to get rid of your resentment.

For more strategies for working with resentment, check out this course featuring Thema Bryant, PhD; Richard Schwartz, PhD; Christine Padesky, PhD; Pat Ogden, PhD; and other leaders in the field.

Now we’d like to hear from you. What strategies do you use to reframe resentment? Let us know in the comments below.

10 Comments

Jane Cresswell, Other, AU says

can you recommend any trauma informed mental health clinicians in Brisbane, Australia. I follow your posts on instagram and I know I need a professional who is trained in the topics raised in these Posts. trauma informed clinicians in Australia, dont appear to exist, or, only have a developing knowledge of the topic. it’s not in the mainstream here.

thank you.

Tia Corpus, Other, C, CA, USA says

It occurred to me
That i find myself confronted to my automatic negatives thoughts. Have never had a diagnostic or PTSD if sone sort , just referred to a neurofeedback practionner. Could anyone help me find one ? Or a trustworhwhy hypnosis experienced ? Thank you

- Ruth Buczynski says
  
  Hi Tia,
  
  Thank you for taking the time to write us. Unfortunately, we do not offer referrals, nor do we release any information about the practitioners who’ve participated in any of our trainings.
  
  I can, however, recommend that you check out this database through Psychology Today.
  
  Through this site, you’re able to search for therapists and support groups based on location, and filter through the results based on a variety of factors – specialties, approaches, and methods.
  
  I am sorry I can’t be of further assistance, but I do hope this is a step in the right direction and helpful in finding the resources you need.
  
  - Tia, Other, C, CA, USA says
    
    Thank you 🙏
    
Louyse Vallieres, Counseling, CA says

So brilliant, this simple idea of taking a bit of distance to observe our pattern. Starting there means healing is possible. Also what a great way of learning to receive compassion and learning to be compassionnate with ourselves. What a wonderfull way to eventually being capable of authentically letting go!
Thank you so much for these clips.

Khursheed Seema, Medicine, SA says

I have allowed myself to feel , and I do observe my resentments ….. however I also feel to much pressure to let go and move on from people around me and never talk about that feeling or event of betrayal ….. I am trying hard myself to validate my hurts but it does come up at some places and it is so quick … with a slip of tongue or an unwanted hand or face gesture that others get triggered….. I am unable to control it don’t know how to work on it.

- Joel Malard, Another Field, Fremont, CA, USA says
  
  When two brothers are fighting madly, we pull them apart, make them listen to each other, and guide them to a resolution. The alternative is more bullying and more fighting.
  
  Isn’t it the same with conflicting emotions?
  
Anthony Burton, GB says

If the resentment has a factual basis, or definitely “check the facts”from DBT, then these” higher hanging emotional fruits (pains)” – resistant to CBT methods highly likely. Relating to the resentment differently can often be the only way, which is where ACT can be the most powerful. Great advice here.

Elaine Cochrane, Clergy says

thank you I have found that what you said about people getting mad at you when you try to get them to let go is so true

Giving them “permission ” to feel the way they feel helps to move forward even if it is baby steps at a time

Catherine Munro-Ford, Social Work, AU says

Incredibly good as usual, always practically focussed and helpful whilst grounded in solid theory. Thank you to everyone involved in these educational posts.

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10 Comments