Ever notice how some of your most highly skilled, successful clients often find themselves burnt out and unsatisfied?That no matter how much they achieve, feelings of inadequacy leave them believing that they’re just “never good enough”?
I’m thinking of a therapist that I worked with who was extremely competent, very well-thought of, very authoritative, dressed to the nines, always. This person looked like she was just on top of everything. But behind the scenes, it was a constant “I’m not good enough,”- and in fact, most of those things like, I need to prepare because I’m not good enough, or I need to dress well because I’m not good enough, or I need to know my stuff because I’m not good enough – and it was all glued up because it was part of the story that had been there for a long time. So, part of what I did was walk in to how old this is, and she could take it back to being just about six or seven. And walking inside some of those first stories where peers made comments or her dad said some things to her that were quite critical. I’m not really sure. Some of that might have been change in memory. Because other things about her dad didn’t really fit that story, but it penetrated her. “Push really hard to have the current statements be said in the voice of that child, out of that child’s mouth. And we did this little kid exercise, putting her in the room. And what she realized when she had those words come out of herself as younger, I said to her, I said, “What does she need from you?” And she said, “I wanted to hug her.” And I say, “And what does she need from you now?” And she clicked with this place in which the I’m-not-good-enough thoughts are not going to go away. So, what she needs to do for herself is bring that same sense of compassionate care. You wouldn’t try to convince, necessarily, a five- or six-year-old that they were wrong. I think most of us would know that’s a fool’s errand, and probably the kid will only feel smaller if you try to do that. And so she was able to bring that same space into what do I do with the chatter within and just get a little bit of perspective and be able to see it the way you might see it if you were hearing that out of the mouth of a child. I got a note from this person about three months ago about a new clinical project that she was engaging in that was very high level and challenging for her. She put something in there like, “I’m going to hug myself all the way” or something. It was a little phrase saying, “I’m not driving achievement out to do this. I’m going to do this in a kinder way.” And yeah, I want to achieve. I want to do things, but I don’t have to do it inside the story that’s the disprove that I’m not good enough, which is, in a way, just almost like a slap in the face of that little kid within. You need something a little more compassionate.
To help them move out of this belief, one critical first step can be getting them to identify what’s driving it.
In the video below, Steven Hayes, PhD walks through his work with a client to help her do just this.
Take a look.
Click here for full transcript
For more interventions to help clients who struggle with inadequacy, check out Working with Core Beliefs of “Never Good Enough.” In it, you’ll hear expert strategies from Steven Hayes, PhD; Marsha Linehan, PhD; Sue Johnson, EdD; Rick Hanson, PhD; and more.
Now we’d like to hear from you. How have you worked with clients who often feel “never good enough”? Let us know in the comments below.
I see this one differently. It seems to me to be all about self-comforting, to ‘feel better’. It however by-passes addressing the reality factor of – maybe there are indeed areas of growth and improvement needed. There can be an impetus to growth and learning hidden within the self-attack. Its not always about comforting the inner child. How about attending to the aspiring adult?
Actually, it seems to me to be just the opposite. Rather than ‘comforting’ , it is having to accept that the voice that tells us we are not good enough is never going away. The solution is to take perspective and realize that it is just a voice and not reality, and then sort out what matters to us, and go ahead and do it anyway, despite the droning voice that either says we don’t deserve to, or drives us to do unhealthy things just to prove we “are good enough”. Once we can take perspective and see the voice as a voice and just let it be, without letting it influence our behaviour, we are feee to move forward with our life.
I totally agree with you; recognizing the “voice in the head” puts us in a position to alleviate unnecessary suffering.
Thanks from Argentina
Ana Maria Leon