I can process the origins of the shame and find ways to forgive myself but how can I allow myself to be vulnerable in talking to those that I have hurt who may find it impossible to forgive me?
What would one say to a friend they love stating the same issues…. thoughts, emotions, root cause, where in the body~ FEEL IT~ move through it, accept it, and move past it… Like the waves rising, cresting, declining, relaxing, awareness of the process~ if able to identify where this pattern began (memory)? Could “open chair” with that person whos impacted you, and/ or you them~ EMPATHY~
Dealing with a partner who continues to forget to be aware and I get stressed and angry that he is not moving forward. I get angry at myself that I can’t let the anger go.
I feel this discussion will help me approach an elderly friend who through misunderstanding I have had a difficult time trying to figure out how to visit with her after I know I hurt her feelings and I have been too ashamed to reach out to her. Your discussions are very helpful.
Jean Fyfe, Social Service- Parenting, Ashland, OR
Seeing how to work with guilt I experience from passing on ‘no matter how hard I try, it’s never good enough’ to my daughter even with the best of intentions and practice not to.
I’ve experienced the power of meditation in creating more gentleness and wisdom within and with others. Thank you for sharing that information so articulately here.
It sounds so simple. I am not aware of what set up this pattern originally but I do see that my tendency to feel absolutely crushed, ashamed, guilty, and punishing toward my self, AND absolutely victimized by the person I hurt because she is loving enough to tell me how my behavior is hurting her is adding fuel to my dysfunctional fire. Perhaps self compassion can break the chain of self -loathing projected outward towards the one person trying to save me.
Estoy muy agradecida por tu generoso regalo de los tres videos, ha sido fuente de gran riqueza en lo personal y como psicoterapeuta. en ambas áreas tengo sentimientos de inadecuación y arrepentimiento, intentar verme a traves de unos ojos amigos me da paz. Mil gracias Tara por tu amable presencia y palabras.
With caring self-forgiveness toward myself I would be softer and more vulnerable in this relationship. This would lead to a deeper emotional intimacy where I could share my fears and insecurities rather than hide behind irritation and judgement of this other person that I love a great deal.
Thank you for this free offering. Already tried the first three processes with a client and she was so engaged with the gesture of kindness just in the session.
I was blamed by my parents for expressing emotions since I was born. That’s what happened to them when they were small, I found out recently. For them that was normal; they didn’t think about it. At the same time held me responsible for their feelings, emotions. So I learned to feel guilty and ashamed for even feeling my emotions, feelings. So I learned to close my heart. Compassion is really needed here.
I always feel like I failed as a mom when I yell at my kids. I’ve recently been in a lot of pain and it sure puts me in a position of being more irritable. Having compassion for what I am going through may ease the burden and provide more grace to myself and then them.
I have been thinking about a specific client couple that have very similar emotional blocks caused by quite different but connected parental lack of care and connection. Both share being blamed by their parents for acting naturally and being childlike. Both were blamed by their parents for imagined ‘consequences’ of their actions. One acts this out with shame and feeling unheard and not important and escalates to a high emotional state. The other withdraws and doesn’t connect. Only the latter perceives that they have hurt the other. I am thinking about different ways to work with them as a couple and in individual sessions to fill the holes they report in their souls and create a safe and honest connection with each other.
When I feel judgemental,it scares me (Oh,thats why I didn’t get love!) which then jumps to-I deserved that lack of love.That scares me even more – and I “run away” from that fear by turning on the other person:Its your fault,not mine!
Thank you! I love the wisdom inherent in how forgiving one’s self opens one up to connecting with others. I hope self forgiveness includes learning not to repeat similar behavior that caused another one’s pain.
I might be able to be more present with the other person and accepting of their emotions. But accepting my own emotions, I might be able to be more accepting of another’s.
It is ironical to think that forgiving yourself for engaging in some hurtful action, can make you become more responsible; and yet it certainly has worked !
How to keep oneself accountable and become more responsible as opposed to reactive, seems like one of the most interesting and rewarding challenges of life.
Perhaps, our efforts to forgive involve listening to and understanding the
” angry,hostile, bad/needy/constricted…..” parts- Giving these parts more attention, love and guidance. Thank you Taraji for providing opening for this process.
I am a yoga teacher. I practice Tara Brach’s and Jack Kornfield’s online meditations. I believe in lifelong learning and sharing. These teachings help me to align wirh my truth and inspire my classes
I realize the idea is to gain awareness and compassion in order to sit with the anger so you don’t have to fight it or believe it (shame), but it is tricky figuring out how to help guide someone into that space when they are unable to recognize what is under their anger (other than on a cognitive level) much less even be able to hear that it’s not their fault (and emotionally believing so).
Thank you for these beautiful messages and tools. I see that when I’m able to forgive myself, I’m able to take responsibility for my impact on others and allow so much healing in our relationships.
I feel nicer towards myself & I feel there’s more room to understand myself.
I’m not so judgmental towards myself and I can be closer to others. I can let go of the shame & guilt & be able to interact from a loving presence xx
Thank you for providing these videos. They are helpful personally, but also speak to what I’m finding is pervasive with most of my clients. I am struck by how many of them – even those who have reached the pinnacle of success in career, have a sense of inadequacy and shame. It definitely does affect their relationships with others. I’m glad to have some tools for working with this important struggle.
Adult daughter. I beat myself up for not being good enough, not paying enough attention, not providing enough support, etc. I did the exercise. It was difficult. Like all things therapeutic, it will take time. I will do this exercise with clients.
Richard Woolland, Counseling, AU says
I can process the origins of the shame and find ways to forgive myself but how can I allow myself to be vulnerable in talking to those that I have hurt who may find it impossible to forgive me?
Carla T, Psychotherapy, Westminster, MD, USA says
What would one say to a friend they love stating the same issues…. thoughts, emotions, root cause, where in the body~ FEEL IT~ move through it, accept it, and move past it… Like the waves rising, cresting, declining, relaxing, awareness of the process~ if able to identify where this pattern began (memory)? Could “open chair” with that person whos impacted you, and/ or you them~ EMPATHY~
maggie crane, Another Field, Ramona, CA, USA says
Dealing with a partner who continues to forget to be aware and I get stressed and angry that he is not moving forward. I get angry at myself that I can’t let the anger go.
Julie Annese, Nursing, Greenlawn, NY, USA says
I feel this discussion will help me approach an elderly friend who through misunderstanding I have had a difficult time trying to figure out how to visit with her after I know I hurt her feelings and I have been too ashamed to reach out to her. Your discussions are very helpful.
Jean Fyfe, Social Work, Ashland, OR, USA says
Jean Fyfe, Social Service- Parenting, Ashland, OR
Seeing how to work with guilt I experience from passing on ‘no matter how hard I try, it’s never good enough’ to my daughter even with the best of intentions and practice not to.
Sharon Goodman, Social Work, Shrewsbury, NJ, USA says
So many of my clients share this issue. I would love our guided mediation.
thank you
Juanita W, Another Field, Durham, NC, USA says
I’ve experienced the power of meditation in creating more gentleness and wisdom within and with others. Thank you for sharing that information so articulately here.
Steal mabley, Other, Washington, DC, USA says
It sounds so simple. I am not aware of what set up this pattern originally but I do see that my tendency to feel absolutely crushed, ashamed, guilty, and punishing toward my self, AND absolutely victimized by the person I hurt because she is loving enough to tell me how my behavior is hurting her is adding fuel to my dysfunctional fire. Perhaps self compassion can break the chain of self -loathing projected outward towards the one person trying to save me.
Mimi A, Nursing, Los Angeles , CA, USA says
This was so helpful! Great reminder of self forgiveness when thoughts and feelings of unworthiness show up. Thank you
Lucrecia Awad, Psychotherapy, MX says
Estoy muy agradecida por tu generoso regalo de los tres videos, ha sido fuente de gran riqueza en lo personal y como psicoterapeuta. en ambas áreas tengo sentimientos de inadecuación y arrepentimiento, intentar verme a traves de unos ojos amigos me da paz. Mil gracias Tara por tu amable presencia y palabras.
Orla Castanien, Coach, Evanston, IL, USA says
SO needed in our world today. Thank you
Kayla K., Teacher, DK says
Holding myself makes me in touch with my aliveness.
Christine Royal, Psychotherapy, CA says
With caring self-forgiveness toward myself I would be softer and more vulnerable in this relationship. This would lead to a deeper emotional intimacy where I could share my fears and insecurities rather than hide behind irritation and judgement of this other person that I love a great deal.
Thank you for this free offering. Already tried the first three processes with a client and she was so engaged with the gesture of kindness just in the session.
barbara anderson, Dentistry, CA says
This exercise made a small opening in my self acceptance…. Thank you so much Tara
Wanda Iqbal, Another Field, NL says
I was blamed by my parents for expressing emotions since I was born. That’s what happened to them when they were small, I found out recently. For them that was normal; they didn’t think about it. At the same time held me responsible for their feelings, emotions. So I learned to feel guilty and ashamed for even feeling my emotions, feelings. So I learned to close my heart. Compassion is really needed here.
Eva Day, Other, IT says
I always feel like I failed as a mom when I yell at my kids. I’ve recently been in a lot of pain and it sure puts me in a position of being more irritable. Having compassion for what I am going through may ease the burden and provide more grace to myself and then them.
Quentin St Clair, Psychotherapy, GB says
I have been thinking about a specific client couple that have very similar emotional blocks caused by quite different but connected parental lack of care and connection. Both share being blamed by their parents for acting naturally and being childlike. Both were blamed by their parents for imagined ‘consequences’ of their actions. One acts this out with shame and feeling unheard and not important and escalates to a high emotional state. The other withdraws and doesn’t connect. Only the latter perceives that they have hurt the other. I am thinking about different ways to work with them as a couple and in individual sessions to fill the holes they report in their souls and create a safe and honest connection with each other.
Jennifer Hogge, Marriage/Family Therapy, Lacey, WA, USA says
It’s ok to acknowledge shame and forgive oneself.
Sandra Russell, Marriage/Family Therapy, GB says
Thanks, I love the exercise.
Fredi Dworkin, Other, Boston, MA, USA says
When I feel judgemental,it scares me (Oh,thats why I didn’t get love!) which then jumps to-I deserved that lack of love.That scares me even more – and I “run away” from that fear by turning on the other person:Its your fault,not mine!
Mary Deremer, Psychology, CA says
Thank you! I love the wisdom inherent in how forgiving one’s self opens one up to connecting with others. I hope self forgiveness includes learning not to repeat similar behavior that caused another one’s pain.
Tyrone Navarro, Another Field, Napa, CA, USA says
The is was a great teaching video, thank you!
Caroline Pawlak, Teacher, GB says
Thank you
Meike Kockrick, Other, DE says
Thanks so much for charing your deep wisdom
Deb Baas, Coach, NL says
Thank you so much for sharing your wisdom and love
Mami N, Other, JP says
Thank you
Maximiliano Andrada, Psychology, AR says
Thanks You Tara!!!
Diane Green, Counseling, Enumclaw, WA, USA says
Thank you so much for the work you share with us and the world! I learn so much from you and I’m grateful for what I then have to offer my clients.
Nancy Moser, Counseling, Alpharetta, GA, USA says
Thank you Tara. Self acceptance is so important.
Doris Johnson, Another Field, Wyoming, MN, USA says
I plan to try this practice. I am also in therapy and she is having me do something very similar. It’s daunting but I am hopeful.
Kath Derby, Teacher, Springfield , IL, USA says
I might be able to be more present with the other person and accepting of their emotions. But accepting my own emotions, I might be able to be more accepting of another’s.
Maitreyee Lund, Psychotherapy, Austin, TX, USA says
It is ironical to think that forgiving yourself for engaging in some hurtful action, can make you become more responsible; and yet it certainly has worked !
How to keep oneself accountable and become more responsible as opposed to reactive, seems like one of the most interesting and rewarding challenges of life.
Perhaps, our efforts to forgive involve listening to and understanding the
” angry,hostile, bad/needy/constricted…..” parts- Giving these parts more attention, love and guidance. Thank you Taraji for providing opening for this process.
Gonenc Silay, Teacher, TR says
I am a yoga teacher. I practice Tara Brach’s and Jack Kornfield’s online meditations. I believe in lifelong learning and sharing. These teachings help me to align wirh my truth and inspire my classes
Chrissy Z, Psychotherapy, portland, OR, USA says
I realize the idea is to gain awareness and compassion in order to sit with the anger so you don’t have to fight it or believe it (shame), but it is tricky figuring out how to help guide someone into that space when they are unable to recognize what is under their anger (other than on a cognitive level) much less even be able to hear that it’s not their fault (and emotionally believing so).
My Tak, Other, Idaho Falls, ID, USA says
I felt a softening within as you spoke. It helped me to realize I could have a different response rather than just react. Thank you.
Deb Bjork, Psychology, Fort Collins, CO, USA says
Thank you
Elizabeth Phalp, Coach, Herriman, UT, USA says
Thank you for these beautiful messages and tools. I see that when I’m able to forgive myself, I’m able to take responsibility for my impact on others and allow so much healing in our relationships.
Rachael Harding, Other, AU says
I feel nicer towards myself & I feel there’s more room to understand myself.
I’m not so judgmental towards myself and I can be closer to others. I can let go of the shame & guilt & be able to interact from a loving presence xx
Ron Dyck, Counseling, CA says
Thank you, Tara
Nicole R, Other, NZ says
to accept this relationship is not those of the past
Galit Rutstein, Social Work, Potomac, MD, USA says
Thank you for this exercise!
Michaela Conley, Marriage/Family Therapy, Tucson, AZ, USA says
So beautiful and so needed by my clients right now
Jojanneke Nijdam, Nursing, NL says
Forgiving myself opens a heartspace in me that feels so full of love and warmth…
Sarah Poole, Counseling, CA says
Wonderful reframe to create space for grace
Tracy Willis, Another Field, GB says
If I don’t judge myself, I don’t judge others.
L G, Other, GB says
gratitude x
Bernadette Costello, Psychotherapy, IE says
Thank You Tara🙏🏼
Mary Hankins, Student, Dallas, TX, USA says
Thank you for sharing your knowledge.
Lindsay Regan, Counseling, Bothell, WA, USA says
Thank you for providing these videos. They are helpful personally, but also speak to what I’m finding is pervasive with most of my clients. I am struck by how many of them – even those who have reached the pinnacle of success in career, have a sense of inadequacy and shame. It definitely does affect their relationships with others. I’m glad to have some tools for working with this important struggle.
Anne T, Coach, CA says
Holding myself with forgiveness opened a storehouse of conscious love that dwelled under the self recriminations
Lisa Knoop, Social Work, Portland, OR, USA says
Adult daughter. I beat myself up for not being good enough, not paying enough attention, not providing enough support, etc. I did the exercise. It was difficult. Like all things therapeutic, it will take time. I will do this exercise with clients.