Audrey Kuppenbender, Student, ANTIOCH, CA, USAsays
My husband passed away on Jan. 26. For 3 years I was his caregiver as we navigated CKD. His care became my life, his living became my life. Last October he decided to stop dialysis and was in hospice for the last 12 weeks of his life. I tried everything I could think of to boost his will to live. Almost every night I read to him, TAO, Buddishm, Gratitude, Native Wisdom books. A set of daily wisdoms and other books, even Radical Acceptance. It was our time. In the months since his earthly journey ended, my strategies for dealing and avoidance with my grief have been distraction, depression, guilt, and blame. Sometimes I am busy, sometimes my mind spirals with all that is yet to be done. I feel guilt, did I do enough and blame, why wasn’t I enough? I am seeing a therapist weekly and I am doing better. Some moments are better than other and I don’t feel less than when I cry in front of other in stores. He was my life for the last three years, now I am searching for me. Just yesterday, as I was journaling about my path forward, my heart broke open when I realized that I was afraid that if I move forward, I will lose him. Sometimes it’s the rawness that overwhelms me. I just try to remember to breathe.
Todd Howland, Another Field, White River Junction, VT, USAsays
Too often I blame myself for should have, could have, would have done something or not done something. Being self critical often clouds other responses.
My way, dealing with the loss of my mom was getting involved in a wellness activist group. Which has truly made an impact in my life that I never thought I would ever get involved with. But at the same time, it has not allowed me to fully grieve the loss of my mom. I need to find a balance.
A dear friend, who severed our friendship some years ago is currently actively dying.
I have been present with her thru social media (she left that connection) and, now Caring Bridge. Today I had a long conversation with a mutual friend which enabled both of us to meet the pain together. Grateful
Simply saying or acting as if everything is fine. No problems here. And staying busy, more busy than necessary, even though it’s with the business my late husband and I ran together.
I think I have a handle on how I deal with grief except for my issues with OCD. I suffered for years on and off with OCD, and never knew what it was. Now, I understand that it wasn’t my fault, that it has genetic tendencies, and it a neurological disease affecting the brain. Now, I want to hold that young mother (when I suffered with thoughts that were so far from my true personhood, or couldn’t enjoy so many aspects of my life because I blamed myself. I’m now educated and deal with my OCD in a loving and compassionate way.
No matter the most exceptional experiences I allow myself to dip into and find positivity, stellar people and profound growth through, unsealed pieces and unaccomplished grief will find it’s way to reveal more of what’s to be faced.
I have learned a brand new breath within myself, that is teaching me how to walk with the grief and sorrow ~ not befriend it all… simply learning to walk the shadowing substance.
I am learning, anew, how to step away from that which does not belong to me and turn towards those persons places and experiences that draw out my most beautiful Diana
I have been immersed in the grief of loosing my mate (she walked away after 4.5 years) and I have tried to keep the pace of what life was before and while I was involved with her and so far ~ the financial losses have been enormous, the physical challenges are overpowering me and yesterday I broke my nose by a tree branch I was cutting.
‘My way’ is just not working.
Distracting myself with studying, or even doing mundane tasks I wouldn’t normally do. I go out for a walk, shop, anything to pass the time to wait for nightfall so I can sleep and not think about the pain. And cry.
I just lost my Dad who died peacefully in his sleep at 91. I am not avoiding the feelings of loss that are as deep as the love I have for him- that is not lost; it’s still very much with me and with my family. I think I don’t avoid grief but I think about it as oscillating between doing some grief work and then slowly returning to life and work. It’s challenging, since it’s hard to concentrate fully. I tell myself that I will continue to grieve him as the days go by. Does grief go away? I don’t think so.
The following are some ways in which my clients avoid grief by :Working longer, exercising to exhaustion; avoiding self care I.e. routine medical care; becoming overly helpful and involved in other people’s lives; and they may isolate themselves.
I’m mad ,sad ,angry at him …most times due his Alzheimer’s symptoms…married 58 years he did most of everything.
I’m lost 😢😢😢 sometimes ….I feel compassion..…sometimes I just get angry
he’s unable to complete the simplest of tasks at present & it’s only going to get worse.
I tried getting help…i would like to find a person to relate to what I’m feeling
with the expertise re: Alzheimer’s
My husband’s health is declining from Parkinson’s. My emotions vary widely. Sometimes fully present with compassion, other times very reactive in the moment. We both try to make a space to hold each other with our changing feelings. It’s not easy but easier than holding on to resistance and avoidance.
I’m getting very busy with all kind of little things that are on my ‘to do’ list. for example, phoning someone or write a card to somebody, do my nails or buy second hand clothes which I don’t really need. Unilever the moment I hear you Tara and then I realise I have to pause and sit quet with myself, feeding WhatsApp going on deel inside me. thank you so much for your wist words, I really appreciatie it and I am thankfull to you.
I avoid the loss by staying busy and distracting myself. I am grieving the changes in my body and my mind as I age. I can’t continue to do all the things I love and facing that reality is painful.
In my personal life I’ve faced grief pretty directly, and I discovered that it could make many others uncomfortable. But, thankfully, that did not stop my process.
This capacity has allowed me to be with my clients in their deepest grieving, because my heart understands, I can truly be with them.
Therefore…. Even though it can feel devastating and overwhelming, learning to stay with the deep feelings of loss and grief ultimately leads to a more full life.
And – I want to add – I believe we do not need to be alone in this process. I leaned on others and others can now lean on me. It’s life giving.
Some ways my clients avoid grief is by focusing on the needs of others and taking care of them before themselves. Others might avoid the depth of feeling that comes up with the loss because it is overwhelming.
Eating for self-soothing, reading for escape, putting off medical monitoring, avoiding dealing with clutter, not facing the “death book”, i.e. the book my husband is assembling to deal with money, burial arrangements when one of us dies, not cleaning up old grudges, depression, guilt,….
I cannot seem to avoid my grief however hard I try my thoughts keep returning to it. I do believe I have accepted it and occasionally I feel anger which I’m told is justified. However I do try to avoid the negative aspects of anger as I am aware that due to poor parenting issues during my childhood I do not deal with anger well. I am able when I practice meditation and mindfulness to sit with both my grief hurt and anger which I do believe helps. When I look around the world when doing my daily gratefulness practice I am able to see just how lucky I am even though it doesn’t always feel that way.
As a parent-infant psychotherapist I work with families in the throws of change with every change involving loss. My work with both adults and children respectively in every way is also a reflection on the pain of loss and the many ways we all find to defend and distract ourselves from this painful experience. I notice how when an experience resonates with me in a particularly difficult way I want to speed up, rush through or even give a neat solution. The
Uncertainty opened up by loss can feel unbearable. I really felt much braver after this first session, to sit with and breath with grief and feel it soften as my heart’s resistance softened. It is my intention to slow down more and open up even more space to truly receive what is present
After learning mindfulness I don’t blame myself so much but I can be angry at my fate at first and then I am able to sit with my grief in a containing way. With my patients I help them with ways to go in and out of the pain until they feel ready to confront amd contain the pain. The story of Kafka was very sweet and a it reminds me of how helpful storytelling and visualization is. Thank you.
I avoid the grief from the loss of my son by many means. I enjoy my wine in the evenings, I work out incessantly, I do surround myself in nature, especially trees! But trees are not avoidance to me. They are empowering as all of nature has become to me. I cannot listen to sad music nor look at many of his pictures or videos yet I stay in close touch with many of his friends and their feelings help me. But the one thing I know to be true is that I know beyond any doubt that he is where he is happy, so whenever I fall into a funk I focus on that and it calms me and makes me happy.
I am primary caretaker for my 91 year old spouse. I am suffering his retraction into helplessness and related demands. I think anger keeps me from presence. In this first video I am able to begin to believe, sitting with this will help me find direction through submitting to the feelings.
Audrey Kuppenbender, Student, ANTIOCH, CA, USA says
My husband passed away on Jan. 26. For 3 years I was his caregiver as we navigated CKD. His care became my life, his living became my life. Last October he decided to stop dialysis and was in hospice for the last 12 weeks of his life. I tried everything I could think of to boost his will to live. Almost every night I read to him, TAO, Buddishm, Gratitude, Native Wisdom books. A set of daily wisdoms and other books, even Radical Acceptance. It was our time. In the months since his earthly journey ended, my strategies for dealing and avoidance with my grief have been distraction, depression, guilt, and blame. Sometimes I am busy, sometimes my mind spirals with all that is yet to be done. I feel guilt, did I do enough and blame, why wasn’t I enough? I am seeing a therapist weekly and I am doing better. Some moments are better than other and I don’t feel less than when I cry in front of other in stores. He was my life for the last three years, now I am searching for me. Just yesterday, as I was journaling about my path forward, my heart broke open when I realized that I was afraid that if I move forward, I will lose him. Sometimes it’s the rawness that overwhelms me. I just try to remember to breathe.
Todd Howland, Another Field, White River Junction, VT, USA says
Too often I blame myself for should have, could have, would have done something or not done something. Being self critical often clouds other responses.
Beth Nutter, Other, Elgin, IL, USA says
My way, dealing with the loss of my mom was getting involved in a wellness activist group. Which has truly made an impact in my life that I never thought I would ever get involved with. But at the same time, it has not allowed me to fully grieve the loss of my mom. I need to find a balance.
Winona Fetherolf, Counseling, Albuquerque, NM, USA says
A dear friend, who severed our friendship some years ago is currently actively dying.
I have been present with her thru social media (she left that connection) and, now Caring Bridge. Today I had a long conversation with a mutual friend which enabled both of us to meet the pain together. Grateful
Lee Kinzer, Other, Alexandria, VA, USA says
Simply saying or acting as if everything is fine. No problems here. And staying busy, more busy than necessary, even though it’s with the business my late husband and I ran together.
Maryann King, Dietetics, Downingtown, PA, USA says
I think I have a handle on how I deal with grief except for my issues with OCD. I suffered for years on and off with OCD, and never knew what it was. Now, I understand that it wasn’t my fault, that it has genetic tendencies, and it a neurological disease affecting the brain. Now, I want to hold that young mother (when I suffered with thoughts that were so far from my true personhood, or couldn’t enjoy so many aspects of my life because I blamed myself. I’m now educated and deal with my OCD in a loving and compassionate way.
Paul, Counseling, New York, NY, USA says
In the short term it rarely provides relief.
In the long term, this helps greatly.
Thank you.
Sharron Jan says
Have not really come to face the grief , just trying to pass though.
Diana says
No matter the most exceptional experiences I allow myself to dip into and find positivity, stellar people and profound growth through, unsealed pieces and unaccomplished grief will find it’s way to reveal more of what’s to be faced.
I have learned a brand new breath within myself, that is teaching me how to walk with the grief and sorrow ~ not befriend it all… simply learning to walk the shadowing substance.
I am learning, anew, how to step away from that which does not belong to me and turn towards those persons places and experiences that draw out my most beautiful Diana
Diana says
I have been immersed in the grief of loosing my mate (she walked away after 4.5 years) and I have tried to keep the pace of what life was before and while I was involved with her and so far ~ the financial losses have been enormous, the physical challenges are overpowering me and yesterday I broke my nose by a tree branch I was cutting.
‘My way’ is just not working.
KC says
When I am restless and unable to settle down I realize I am avoiding facing difficult feelings with grief for my husband’s recent death from cancer.
Cece says
Distracting myself with studying, or even doing mundane tasks I wouldn’t normally do. I go out for a walk, shop, anything to pass the time to wait for nightfall so I can sleep and not think about the pain. And cry.
Hana says
Eating, especially sweets. Working. Feeling anger and resistance instead of sadness and raw pain.
Marina says
I just lost my Dad who died peacefully in his sleep at 91. I am not avoiding the feelings of loss that are as deep as the love I have for him- that is not lost; it’s still very much with me and with my family. I think I don’t avoid grief but I think about it as oscillating between doing some grief work and then slowly returning to life and work. It’s challenging, since it’s hard to concentrate fully. I tell myself that I will continue to grieve him as the days go by. Does grief go away? I don’t think so.
Mobica says
The following are some ways in which my clients avoid grief by :Working longer, exercising to exhaustion; avoiding self care I.e. routine medical care; becoming overly helpful and involved in other people’s lives; and they may isolate themselves.
Noreen says
I’m mad ,sad ,angry at him …most times due his Alzheimer’s symptoms…married 58 years he did most of everything.
I’m lost 😢😢😢 sometimes ….I feel compassion..…sometimes I just get angry
he’s unable to complete the simplest of tasks at present & it’s only going to get worse.
I tried getting help…i would like to find a person to relate to what I’m feeling
with the expertise re: Alzheimer’s
Janet Sabraski says
Eating, reading, keeping busy
I feel a restlessness to move, to play a mind numbing game, anything other than be still and feel my sorrow or shame
Joyce Dviren says
My husband’s health is declining from Parkinson’s. My emotions vary widely. Sometimes fully present with compassion, other times very reactive in the moment. We both try to make a space to hold each other with our changing feelings. It’s not easy but easier than holding on to resistance and avoidance.
Wil Leenders says
I’m getting very busy with all kind of little things that are on my ‘to do’ list. for example, phoning someone or write a card to somebody, do my nails or buy second hand clothes which I don’t really need. Unilever the moment I hear you Tara and then I realise I have to pause and sit quet with myself, feeding WhatsApp going on deel inside me. thank you so much for your wist words, I really appreciatie it and I am thankfull to you.
Annemieke says
I’m talking to much to avoid the deep feeling of loss and betrayal.
Diana says
I hear you
Martie Leys says
I avoid the loss by staying busy and distracting myself. I am grieving the changes in my body and my mind as I age. I can’t continue to do all the things I love and facing that reality is painful.
Rigby Anne says
I just fill the time to avoid it . Sometimes then the grief overwhelms me and I’ll cry, but there is no resolution afterward
Karuna says
Being reclusive and avoiding interaction with people.
Marsha says
In my personal life I’ve faced grief pretty directly, and I discovered that it could make many others uncomfortable. But, thankfully, that did not stop my process.
This capacity has allowed me to be with my clients in their deepest grieving, because my heart understands, I can truly be with them.
Therefore…. Even though it can feel devastating and overwhelming, learning to stay with the deep feelings of loss and grief ultimately leads to a more full life.
And – I want to add – I believe we do not need to be alone in this process. I leaned on others and others can now lean on me. It’s life giving.
nanette greene says
They share all the ways they stay busy.
Gloria Kelly says
I use avoidance and distraction dealing with grief. Working a jigsaw puzzle puts me in another zone. Painting rocks for my rock garden is helpful.
Jeneke Lesak, LCSW says
Some ways my clients avoid grief is by focusing on the needs of others and taking care of them before themselves. Others might avoid the depth of feeling that comes up with the loss because it is overwhelming.
Leslie says
I see friends and clients unable to move on in life. They are living but it is with such heaviness. They are not in alignment with their true selves.
James says
My client avoids the grief with guilt and shame.
Robin says
Eating, laying on the couch watching t.v.
Rebecca says
Distractions
jacaranda says
depression, numbing myself, freezing. the impact is my life becomes smaller and I shrink even more
Julie says
i have dealt with my loss by depression, anger, blame and guilt. keeping me stuck in a narrow self blaming and hard life.
Donni Kennedy says
Eating for self-soothing, reading for escape, putting off medical monitoring, avoiding dealing with clutter, not facing the “death book”, i.e. the book my husband is assembling to deal with money, burial arrangements when one of us dies, not cleaning up old grudges, depression, guilt,….
Natalie says
focussing on work, career, a purpose or creating meaning.
Kim says
Problem solving. I research and lean on facts.
Kaye Page says
I cannot seem to avoid my grief however hard I try my thoughts keep returning to it. I do believe I have accepted it and occasionally I feel anger which I’m told is justified. However I do try to avoid the negative aspects of anger as I am aware that due to poor parenting issues during my childhood I do not deal with anger well. I am able when I practice meditation and mindfulness to sit with both my grief hurt and anger which I do believe helps. When I look around the world when doing my daily gratefulness practice I am able to see just how lucky I am even though it doesn’t always feel that way.
Carla says
As a parent-infant psychotherapist I work with families in the throws of change with every change involving loss. My work with both adults and children respectively in every way is also a reflection on the pain of loss and the many ways we all find to defend and distract ourselves from this painful experience. I notice how when an experience resonates with me in a particularly difficult way I want to speed up, rush through or even give a neat solution. The
Uncertainty opened up by loss can feel unbearable. I really felt much braver after this first session, to sit with and breath with grief and feel it soften as my heart’s resistance softened. It is my intention to slow down more and open up even more space to truly receive what is present
Anna says
After learning mindfulness I don’t blame myself so much but I can be angry at my fate at first and then I am able to sit with my grief in a containing way. With my patients I help them with ways to go in and out of the pain until they feel ready to confront amd contain the pain. The story of Kafka was very sweet and a it reminds me of how helpful storytelling and visualization is. Thank you.
Ellen says
Staying busy, avoiding being alone, ignoring the feelings
Susan says
I avoid the grief from the loss of my son by many means. I enjoy my wine in the evenings, I work out incessantly, I do surround myself in nature, especially trees! But trees are not avoidance to me. They are empowering as all of nature has become to me. I cannot listen to sad music nor look at many of his pictures or videos yet I stay in close touch with many of his friends and their feelings help me. But the one thing I know to be true is that I know beyond any doubt that he is where he is happy, so whenever I fall into a funk I focus on that and it calms me and makes me happy.
Laura H says
I try to distract myself with thoughts about what could/would happen if the disease I have takes over.
Julie says
I can use food for comfort.
Distract myself on my phone/computer.
Kathy says
Staying busy, avoiding being alone. Use substances to nimble myself.
Cordelia says
keeping busy with no time to grieve
André says
Blaming myself. The talk deepened my understanding that this is also a strategy to not feel the loss.
Jo says
just not talking about it
Mary says
I am primary caretaker for my 91 year old spouse. I am suffering his retraction into helplessness and related demands. I think anger keeps me from presence. In this first video I am able to begin to believe, sitting with this will help me find direction through submitting to the feelings.
Sharyl says
Bracing for another loss
Elizabeth says
Avoiding/procrastinating. To avoid feelings, I watch movies or read.