Alcohol. When I’m feeling sad and alone, a avoid the discomfort by numbing out.
I lost my daughter 15 years ago; she drowned trying to save her dog in the Mississippi. I grieved hard for the first few years and then, when I broke up with my boyfriend, I turned to alcohol. Definitely doesn’t help; actually makes it worse.
My husband died two months ago and my grief is deep and wide.While I often sit with my grief I also will distract myself with social media or television. I allow myself those distractions at times as they do help me through the minutes or hours. And then I sit in my grief again and breathe through the pain.
Recently I’ve been struggling with the loss of physical health, stamina, flexibility as I age…and I’ve felt so angry and resentful about it, angry at myself, and disbelieving.
By being constantly on guard and tense and by keeping survivorship fears alert. In my belief, this strategy helps me avoid loss and keeps me out of trouble. As a kid, I was very afraid to get lost in the crowd, lose sight of my parents, or lose items that could not be found again. I’ve been also afraid of breaking things or relationships for fear that they cannot be fixed or brought back.
This tension and fear seem constantly present in both my body and my mind. My legs often carry most of the tension being stiff and contracted.
Tara, thank you so much for these sessions on loss and grief! They are gift.
I had multiple losses of close family members early in my childhood and adolescence. Before my mother died when I was 18, she never spoke with me about losing my dad and two beloved grandparents, so I learned that grief was something to deny and distract from. That lesson stayed with me when my sister died five years ago and when I lost my husband four years ago.
It is only now that I feel I am learning to turn toward rather than away from grief. Scary for me but so important!
Distractions. Trying to stay “positive” so that everyone else is comfortable. This means grieving alone. Many friends can not understand nor are they comfortable holding space.
Lisa Takagaki, Marriage/Family Therapy, Salt Lake City, UT, USAsays
I have been deeply grieving the death of my father. There are times in this day when I feel the ‘flood’ of emotions and other days when it’s peaceful. However, due to my complicated relationship with him before his passing, I react to my boyfriend aggressively, making him think I have resentment toward him. I am doing what I can by talking to my inner child and doing breathwork for my trauma. As David Kessler has said:
The grief doesn’t end, because the love doesn’t end.
We knew how to love them when they were present, now we must love them in their absence.
Karen Cocco, Psychology, Cedar Knolls, NJ, USAsays
Really beautiful practices to assist clients in turning towards their grief – so many of us can be in touch with the urge to run from the loss. Tara presents a gentle, loving way to turn towards it with peace.
Janet Robertson, Another Field, Lumberton, NJ, USAsays
Loss is pervasive in our society. My mother and father died many years ago and when I go to a funeral, all the feelings get stirred up agai. I’m wondering if I’ve really processed their deaths and if we ever do “get over” someone dying.
Dede Morris, Psychotherapy, Alexandria, VA, USAsays
Thank you, Tara.
I have been deeply grieving the rejection and loss of a friend. The pain takes me back to my survival fears from when I was a little girl and my father withdrew his love when I was 4. Yet it feels so current and painful.
I am doing what I can to feel the grief and use different tools , like mindfulness to deal with this. I know it will take time and practice to heal.
In a kind of socially acceptable way… I do volunteering or help others., sometimes too much. Guess there must be a balance of that and finding time for my feelings
Amy Zicafoose, Psychotherapy, Jackson , MI, USAsays
I see many geriatric clients who fave losses on a consistent basis. losses of independence, physical changes that shrink thier lives, and of course losses of people, spouses, family and friends. TUrning toward losses is something they do consistently. When expressing emotions without judging them, and woth continuing radical acceptance comes peace. as a death doula, i have experienced many people turn toward loss with courage and compassion. as a LMSW, I see many people avoid their loss in many ways. each time denying thier pain leads to greater loss.
Kelley Cooper, Other, Driggs, ID, USA says
Alcohol. When I’m feeling sad and alone, a avoid the discomfort by numbing out.
I lost my daughter 15 years ago; she drowned trying to save her dog in the Mississippi. I grieved hard for the first few years and then, when I broke up with my boyfriend, I turned to alcohol. Definitely doesn’t help; actually makes it worse.
Allison Baer, Teacher, Westerville, OH, USA says
My husband died two months ago and my grief is deep and wide.While I often sit with my grief I also will distract myself with social media or television. I allow myself those distractions at times as they do help me through the minutes or hours. And then I sit in my grief again and breathe through the pain.
Amy Friday, Psychology, West Linn, OR, USA says
They tend to be very “busy” and bury themselves in activities.
Deb Smith, Other, Belfast, ME, USA says
Recently I’ve been struggling with the loss of physical health, stamina, flexibility as I age…and I’ve felt so angry and resentful about it, angry at myself, and disbelieving.
Gabriela B, Another Field, Shelburne, VT, USA says
By being constantly on guard and tense and by keeping survivorship fears alert. In my belief, this strategy helps me avoid loss and keeps me out of trouble. As a kid, I was very afraid to get lost in the crowd, lose sight of my parents, or lose items that could not be found again. I’ve been also afraid of breaking things or relationships for fear that they cannot be fixed or brought back.
This tension and fear seem constantly present in both my body and my mind. My legs often carry most of the tension being stiff and contracted.
Tara, thank you so much for these sessions on loss and grief! They are gift.
Karen Tyson, Other, Irvine, CA, USA says
I had multiple losses of close family members early in my childhood and adolescence. Before my mother died when I was 18, she never spoke with me about losing my dad and two beloved grandparents, so I learned that grief was something to deny and distract from. That lesson stayed with me when my sister died five years ago and when I lost my husband four years ago.
It is only now that I feel I am learning to turn toward rather than away from grief. Scary for me but so important!
Beth Rooks, Student, Santa Fe, NM, USA says
Distractions. Trying to stay “positive” so that everyone else is comfortable. This means grieving alone. Many friends can not understand nor are they comfortable holding space.
Lisa Takagaki, Marriage/Family Therapy, Salt Lake City, UT, USA says
I have been deeply grieving the death of my father. There are times in this day when I feel the ‘flood’ of emotions and other days when it’s peaceful. However, due to my complicated relationship with him before his passing, I react to my boyfriend aggressively, making him think I have resentment toward him. I am doing what I can by talking to my inner child and doing breathwork for my trauma. As David Kessler has said:
The grief doesn’t end, because the love doesn’t end.
We knew how to love them when they were present, now we must love them in their absence.
Brenda Anderegg, Teacher, Bham, AL, USA says
reading fiction.
watching series on tv
Karen Cocco, Psychology, Cedar Knolls, NJ, USA says
Really beautiful practices to assist clients in turning towards their grief – so many of us can be in touch with the urge to run from the loss. Tara presents a gentle, loving way to turn towards it with peace.
Janet Robertson, Another Field, Lumberton, NJ, USA says
Loss is pervasive in our society. My mother and father died many years ago and when I go to a funeral, all the feelings get stirred up agai. I’m wondering if I’ve really processed their deaths and if we ever do “get over” someone dying.
Nancy Thurston, Social Work, Royal Palm Beach, FL, USA says
My husband was diagnosed with fronto temporal dementia in 2019. It has been a roller coaster ride. He is now in memory care.
Nancy
V, Psychotherapy, E Blue Hill, ME, USA says
by plunging into an endless succession of activities and work to avoid the feelings
Dede Morris, Psychotherapy, Alexandria, VA, USA says
Thank you, Tara.
I have been deeply grieving the rejection and loss of a friend. The pain takes me back to my survival fears from when I was a little girl and my father withdrew his love when I was 4. Yet it feels so current and painful.
I am doing what I can to feel the grief and use different tools , like mindfulness to deal with this. I know it will take time and practice to heal.
Kathleen Krohn, Counseling, Clearwater, FL, USA says
In a kind of socially acceptable way… I do volunteering or help others., sometimes too much. Guess there must be a balance of that and finding time for my feelings
mahna Salter, Other, Littleton, CO, USA says
wonderful third talk thank you Tara!!!!!!!!!
Amy Zicafoose, Psychotherapy, Jackson , MI, USA says
I see many geriatric clients who fave losses on a consistent basis. losses of independence, physical changes that shrink thier lives, and of course losses of people, spouses, family and friends. TUrning toward losses is something they do consistently. When expressing emotions without judging them, and woth continuing radical acceptance comes peace. as a death doula, i have experienced many people turn toward loss with courage and compassion. as a LMSW, I see many people avoid their loss in many ways. each time denying thier pain leads to greater loss.