I work in Puebla, Mexico, with people going through very difficult situations, and grief is present in many of my sessions. I will use these tools to help accompany my clients, honoring and holding their grief with them.
This was so timely. I just euthanized my horse. It was sudden. I was his guardian and he was my spiritual guide in so many ways. I am grieving and have experienced death amongst my family of origin (2 brothers and my parents) so I know the importance of grief for any being that is in your circle of life. Thank you for the lovely words.
I received the email to this session the same day I was told my one furry living companion had advanced pancreatic cancer and may have only few weeks to live, I don’t believe in coincidences.
By desperately trying to find the
“Why”
Going through all the intricate scenarios with a fine tooth comb. Obsessing through the maze keeps my mind busy to dampen the pain, the grief, the desperation of avoiding the reality. The reality of the loss doesn’t exist if bejeweled and disguised. The timing of your videos appearing today are uncanny. I am looking forward to the next video.
With the recent loss of my beloved husband, I feel I am meeting the loss with mindfulness and presence. What is challenging for me is trusting the process. it is uncharted territory and path.
When my mother-in-law and father passed on the same day, I used the questionnaire the funeral home gave me to sort my feelings. Examples of the questions were: what would their perfect day be like? Who was their favorite artist? What kind of music did they listen to? What did they teach you? And others I don’t recall that was in 2022. I still talk about my mother-in-law and father as frequently as I did when they were living.
September 4,2026, my mother. She and I were estranged. She left her children when I was younger than one year old. This loss almost seems deeper and broader because the unknown can never be answered.
Thank you So Tara. I have tried not to void my terrible grief at losing my beloved husband John 11 months ago after 46 years of marriage. It has been the worst agony of my life. The thing that really strengthens me is my ongoing life of contemplation but today after a few relief days my sorrow is back with a vengeance.I do distract myself with the support of some dear friends but still feel so lonely without my darling soulmate who was
my home. I do talk with him and God all the time. Gabrielle
I recently lost my beloved dog, honey very unexpectedly. I live by myself. She was a rescue golden retriever from China. We found each other a challenging time for me. She was my constant companion the last seven years I am dealing with regret of not getting her to the vet in time, I’m trying very hard to let that regret go and remembering all the special times we had together
I have unwittingly avoided grief by doing/productivity, exercise/activity. spiritual practices to raise vibratoon. blaming, ruminating. if depression is grief avoidance, that too.
In my practice, my clients often deflect complex emotions surrounding loss with anger, humour in some cases, or self blame. I can empathise with these responses myself, having experienced a number of losses over the years and having responded to those losses in similar ways. As a therapist and within my own life experience I have found that responding to these strategies with compassion and encouraging self compassion provides meaningful engagement with the self, alongside movement and acceptance.
Avoid seeing someone after I’ve asked to meet privately to discuss an issue. Put them in a box. Try not to bring them up except with a therapist. Set boundaries.
After the loss of my mom, a very deep, profound depression set in. It has been close to 5 years since this loss, and it has been a day to day reckoning with its reality throughout, with my prayer and meditation practices taking precedence in my life to help me survive. I am just recently, starting to feel my head above water. Thank you Tara for this. It is very validating and helpful as part of this grief journey I am on.
I don’t think I avoided the grief when my sister died, I was present when she was ill over many years but the reality of death itself seemed to project me into fear of my own death and fear for my children’s potential suffering
After a painful, harsh breakup five years ago with the father of my children, and then, after falling in love again only to experience another sudden breakup without closure, I opened myself to new love after a period of healing. And then new love came along. She and I became attached easily, freely, and playfully.
But right after a deeply felt moment in which I chose to commit to this connection… she passed away. Suddenly. A massive brain hemorrhage. This happened two months ago.
I try not to make a film script out of this. My numbing mechanism here is to turn it into a spiritual story, because it seems like there are enough elements to create such a script:
This was meant to be.
This was a soul-led, chosen path.
I was the one who guided her towards her passing.
She chose me.
I chose her as my spirit guide, my connection to heaven.
She was here to lighten me up, to show me the way, to help me open up further and heal — from the other side.
All comforting ideas.
But the real lesson here, as I felt it, is simply to feel the pain. To be with it. Not to search for reasons. Not to take responsibility for what happened, or to give myself a task within the event — besides, of course, the normal human things: calling the ambulance, supporting her through such immense distress, calling her family, and so on.
But rather, to undergo it. To feel small and humble in the face of death, grief, and loss. To allow the disorientation. To allow myself to feel lost.
And, in doing so, to discover that I also had no part in my father’s passing when I was only four years old.
And to feel the release that this realization also brings..
I continue with my day to day living and periodically feel the presence/influence of lost loved ones and this is usually a positive feeling.
We always drink a toast to ‘absent friends ‘ at any important gathering together.
I lost my son suddenly , 6 years ago at the age of 33 . He was my light , my heart , a gift of love from the very highest source . I have gone through all the stages of grief and keep going through them , although they are softer . I am now able to give back to all those who have given to me .
Keeping busy has always been my avoidance strategy.
I find the most difficult part of grief is acceptance. It’s so layered .
I have realised I haven’t lost my son , he lives on through me .
SALLY
I numbed myself with alcoholic, went into blame and self destruction isolated and became fearful and over weight, wanted to die myself and felt enormous family pressure to do everything and perfectionism then came from myself and that followed by self hatred for not doing things to my own high standards of perfection
Death of a brother to Sucide and a mother 7 years later
My problem Is not bout denial or avoidance …of the intense and at o times unrelenting pain
of my husbands
Death after 54 years of being my best friend, the love of my life.
whereas I grieve the many lost relationships, all of which were formed as a result of my inward loneliness a loneliness so deep that nothing has ever alleviated it. My propensity to sit up a dynamic whereby I give and tgey take which inevitably leads to resentment on both sides because it’s not healthy and not sustainable. its like I give and give and they take and take and eventually the take my giving for granted and I pull away to retain just something for myself. they dont like the pulling away and in fact the pulling away is terrifying to me.
but I can’t take the disrespect and lack of appreciation any more. Yet when another opportunity presents itself I grab it with all my heart and energy becayse deep down I am so empty. I am trying to fill my emptiness with their neediness.
the paradox is that my emptiness increases and they feel duped. I even feel as if in some way I have duped them even though that wasn’t my intention. my intention is to avoid the void within by making myself indispensable. I see how toxic all of this is.
I am now trying to set boundaries on my giving. its very difficult because I run away from my own neediness so it feels artificial to me to say what I need or to even admit that I have any needs other than food, clothing and shelter all of which God has amply provided for me.
I went through all the stages of grief when my parents died. I then intuited that this is an appropriate life cycle that I guess the Guy Upstairs designed, and I can move on. Not so fast mister. All this anguish, frustration that I had to live with as the scapegoat of the family. So, I’m working on that now. Very interesting how I discover deeper layers of anger, guilt, shame – seems never ending sometimes. I intend to take responsibility for my feelings, and I think I’m getting better at it – and then boom, another wave hits me. And then sometimes I remember to thank God for the opportunity to explore what’s keeping me stuck and work through it.
I recently suddenly lost my husband of 43yrs—he was 68yo—and my mother a year ago. I spend a lot more time with friends than I ever have in the past, I attend a weekly grief circle, and started volunteering again. Even doing all of this I still feel lost without my life partner. It’s something that will always stay with me and I believe I need to acknowledge the pain more directly for it to soften.
I tried to maintain a relationship for nearly 3 years that needed to end rather than accept its conclusion. I deluded myself that I could find a middle way between all and nothing. Hope rose and reality settled back in, resulting in engagement, then distance to sort out the mix of feelings. The fluctuation of enjoyment and heartbreak while navigating a valiant attempt at loving and separation, and seeing how the relationship no longer fit me, prolonged the suffering and grief for each of us.
I think that Divorce and dementia produce a different grief than a death. With divorce and dementia, the person is still around but no longer available so the grief gets confused. I wanted to allow for things to change sufficiently to return to the marriage; I really didn’t want to divorce. But I was deluding myself, avoiding reality and grasping for what it used to be. In the end, I created more suffering and prolonged grief process than had I divorced a year or 2 earlier. Lessons learned, hopefully. and my heart is broken wide open!
Hello! Within last 6 months I lost mother and 2 close relatives-2 days ago was a funeral of my uncle. So this learning comes in precious time.
When I lose someone I feel release, lightness, happiness because the suffering is gone for the person who’s gone and for me too. But later I feel presure, unease, grief, anxiety, anger, guilt , cant breath .
Being in the nature, on fresh air, walking, talking and sharing emotions with people who are involved in the same process of loss and healing helps.
Thank you for your support and conscious teachings that support presence.
My partner of 30 years left me for another woman 20 years my junior
It’s now three years later I’m still grieving the loss every day and tormented by our hardship what went so badly wrong?
I feel a grief which overwhelms me at times I
It would’ve been easier if he had died
It’s a terrible thing to say, but I’m tormented by our life together and now my situation living alone
My mood swings up and down I have taken antidepressants before
I tried to deal with it with mindfulness now
And gain and seeking another counsellor
My fundamental beliefs are in Buddism which helps
I’m not sure I avoid grief, the loss of my beloved husband 2.5 ago, what I am is aware of the awareness of grief. I feel a dull staleness in my chest. I breathe deeply feeling awareness.
My husband of 39 years died in April so now at 80 I am alone. He suffered a lot in his last few months so it feels like a relief that he is at peace. I have not cried at all as it was difficult living with his torments. I am figuring out how to do what I want, eat when I want, cook what pleases me & revisit places & things we used to do. I am taking it slow & easy & trying to care more for myself with my own health issues. I’m wondering if & when will tears come.
My father was killed very suddenly in an explosion 26 years ago. I didn’t realize until I was in my mid 40s that I was traumatized by his death. At the time I think I was overwhelmed, I was only 20 years old I’d not experienced death until then. I think I was in a state of shock and denial and my emotions froze. I just felt very strange I had no idea how to handle it all so I just carried on as best I could with my college course living my life in my early 20s travelling etc etc. after two years I thought I was ‘over it’ because I felt more normal but my eating became disordered for a while, my stomach was full of anxiety which I interpreted as hunger, I found it very hard to be alone but equally hard to be with people, for example I wanted my boyfriend who I lived with at the time to be in the next room. it is only relatively recently that I recognize how profoundly this early loss impacted me. I consider myself very lucky to have met a very loving man when I was 40 who just by being himself and being constant has helped me to open up relax and really love somebody. I am so please to have access to this resource it has come at a very opportune moment because the grief has resurfaced again as it has several times throughout my life.
Mer says
Thank you so much.
I work in Puebla, Mexico, with people going through very difficult situations, and grief is present in many of my sessions. I will use these tools to help accompany my clients, honoring and holding their grief with them.
leslie says
focusing on what needs to get done and staying in doing headspace alternating with numbing with bingeing in books or documentaries.
Janice says
I tend to ignore it since I can’t change it, but every time I bump into the feelings I shut down and feel depressed
Tea says
I notice i overpower my grief and loss with focusing on others needs and trauma over my own and have used the bodhisattva vow as my inner pressure.
Shawna says
The pain of grief often leads to distractions observed in may forms. I so often witness clients immediately suppressing tears or apologizing for them.
Brenda says
Getting caught up in anticipatory grief. Inability to experience the present relationships/moments.
Anita Stark says
This was so timely. I just euthanized my horse. It was sudden. I was his guardian and he was my spiritual guide in so many ways. I am grieving and have experienced death amongst my family of origin (2 brothers and my parents) so I know the importance of grief for any being that is in your circle of life. Thank you for the lovely words.
Monica C. says
I received the email to this session the same day I was told my one furry living companion had advanced pancreatic cancer and may have only few weeks to live, I don’t believe in coincidences.
Cj Kelly says
By desperately trying to find the
“Why”
Going through all the intricate scenarios with a fine tooth comb. Obsessing through the maze keeps my mind busy to dampen the pain, the grief, the desperation of avoiding the reality. The reality of the loss doesn’t exist if bejeweled and disguised. The timing of your videos appearing today are uncanny. I am looking forward to the next video.
Carol says
With the recent loss of my beloved husband, I feel I am meeting the loss with mindfulness and presence. What is challenging for me is trusting the process. it is uncharted territory and path.
Marguerite McGuffin says
When my mother-in-law and father passed on the same day, I used the questionnaire the funeral home gave me to sort my feelings. Examples of the questions were: what would their perfect day be like? Who was their favorite artist? What kind of music did they listen to? What did they teach you? And others I don’t recall that was in 2022. I still talk about my mother-in-law and father as frequently as I did when they were living.
September 4,2026, my mother. She and I were estranged. She left her children when I was younger than one year old. This loss almost seems deeper and broader because the unknown can never be answered.
Gabrielle Ayerst says
Thank you So Tara. I have tried not to void my terrible grief at losing my beloved husband John 11 months ago after 46 years of marriage. It has been the worst agony of my life. The thing that really strengthens me is my ongoing life of contemplation but today after a few relief days my sorrow is back with a vengeance.I do distract myself with the support of some dear friends but still feel so lonely without my darling soulmate who was
my home. I do talk with him and God all the time. Gabrielle
Debbie layer says
I recently lost my beloved dog, honey very unexpectedly. I live by myself. She was a rescue golden retriever from China. We found each other a challenging time for me. She was my constant companion the last seven years I am dealing with regret of not getting her to the vet in time, I’m trying very hard to let that regret go and remembering all the special times we had together
EA says
I have unwittingly avoided grief by doing/productivity, exercise/activity. spiritual practices to raise vibratoon. blaming, ruminating. if depression is grief avoidance, that too.
Charlie Dodt says
Try to shelter others by not talking about my own pain and sorrow. Minimizing it in my mind (or trying).
Donna says
I resonate with the coveting the grief with guilt, trying to control something that is not something to control
Melissa Ross says
I think some of my clients avoid grief by “staying positive”.
Heidi says
In my practice, my clients often deflect complex emotions surrounding loss with anger, humour in some cases, or self blame. I can empathise with these responses myself, having experienced a number of losses over the years and having responded to those losses in similar ways. As a therapist and within my own life experience I have found that responding to these strategies with compassion and encouraging self compassion provides meaningful engagement with the self, alongside movement and acceptance.
Kathy says
Avoid seeing someone after I’ve asked to meet privately to discuss an issue. Put them in a box. Try not to bring them up except with a therapist. Set boundaries.
Arleen says
After the loss of my mom, a very deep, profound depression set in. It has been close to 5 years since this loss, and it has been a day to day reckoning with its reality throughout, with my prayer and meditation practices taking precedence in my life to help me survive. I am just recently, starting to feel my head above water. Thank you Tara for this. It is very validating and helpful as part of this grief journey I am on.
Pauline says
I don’t think I avoided the grief when my sister died, I was present when she was ill over many years but the reality of death itself seemed to project me into fear of my own death and fear for my children’s potential suffering
Hilde Van Beveren says
Projecting my grief on others by being angry on them.
Being buddy.
Denying my need to practicemeditation.
Laura says
this is very helpful for me. thank you.
Amelie says
After a painful, harsh breakup five years ago with the father of my children, and then, after falling in love again only to experience another sudden breakup without closure, I opened myself to new love after a period of healing. And then new love came along. She and I became attached easily, freely, and playfully.
But right after a deeply felt moment in which I chose to commit to this connection… she passed away. Suddenly. A massive brain hemorrhage. This happened two months ago.
I try not to make a film script out of this. My numbing mechanism here is to turn it into a spiritual story, because it seems like there are enough elements to create such a script:
This was meant to be.
This was a soul-led, chosen path.
I was the one who guided her towards her passing.
She chose me.
I chose her as my spirit guide, my connection to heaven.
She was here to lighten me up, to show me the way, to help me open up further and heal — from the other side.
All comforting ideas.
But the real lesson here, as I felt it, is simply to feel the pain. To be with it. Not to search for reasons. Not to take responsibility for what happened, or to give myself a task within the event — besides, of course, the normal human things: calling the ambulance, supporting her through such immense distress, calling her family, and so on.
But rather, to undergo it. To feel small and humble in the face of death, grief, and loss. To allow the disorientation. To allow myself to feel lost.
And, in doing so, to discover that I also had no part in my father’s passing when I was only four years old.
And to feel the release that this realization also brings..
Angela says
I continue with my day to day living and periodically feel the presence/influence of lost loved ones and this is usually a positive feeling.
We always drink a toast to ‘absent friends ‘ at any important gathering together.
SALLY BURRELL says
I lost my son suddenly , 6 years ago at the age of 33 . He was my light , my heart , a gift of love from the very highest source . I have gone through all the stages of grief and keep going through them , although they are softer . I am now able to give back to all those who have given to me .
Keeping busy has always been my avoidance strategy.
I find the most difficult part of grief is acceptance. It’s so layered .
I have realised I haven’t lost my son , he lives on through me .
SALLY
M says
clients who are afraid to lose people if they take care of themselves
Laura says
thats me
Mary says
Mary
I numbed myself with alcoholic, went into blame and self destruction isolated and became fearful and over weight, wanted to die myself and felt enormous family pressure to do everything and perfectionism then came from myself and that followed by self hatred for not doing things to my own high standards of perfection
Death of a brother to Sucide and a mother 7 years later
Judith schachter says
My problem Is not bout denial or avoidance …of the intense and at o times unrelenting pain
of my husbands
Death after 54 years of being my best friend, the love of my life.
The problem is too much wave after wave of grief
L says
whereas I grieve the many lost relationships, all of which were formed as a result of my inward loneliness a loneliness so deep that nothing has ever alleviated it. My propensity to sit up a dynamic whereby I give and tgey take which inevitably leads to resentment on both sides because it’s not healthy and not sustainable. its like I give and give and they take and take and eventually the take my giving for granted and I pull away to retain just something for myself. they dont like the pulling away and in fact the pulling away is terrifying to me.
but I can’t take the disrespect and lack of appreciation any more. Yet when another opportunity presents itself I grab it with all my heart and energy becayse deep down I am so empty. I am trying to fill my emptiness with their neediness.
the paradox is that my emptiness increases and they feel duped. I even feel as if in some way I have duped them even though that wasn’t my intention. my intention is to avoid the void within by making myself indispensable. I see how toxic all of this is.
I am now trying to set boundaries on my giving. its very difficult because I run away from my own neediness so it feels artificial to me to say what I need or to even admit that I have any needs other than food, clothing and shelter all of which God has amply provided for me.
Walt says
I went through all the stages of grief when my parents died. I then intuited that this is an appropriate life cycle that I guess the Guy Upstairs designed, and I can move on. Not so fast mister. All this anguish, frustration that I had to live with as the scapegoat of the family. So, I’m working on that now. Very interesting how I discover deeper layers of anger, guilt, shame – seems never ending sometimes. I intend to take responsibility for my feelings, and I think I’m getting better at it – and then boom, another wave hits me. And then sometimes I remember to thank God for the opportunity to explore what’s keeping me stuck and work through it.
Carol says
I recently suddenly lost my husband of 43yrs—he was 68yo—and my mother a year ago. I spend a lot more time with friends than I ever have in the past, I attend a weekly grief circle, and started volunteering again. Even doing all of this I still feel lost without my life partner. It’s something that will always stay with me and I believe I need to acknowledge the pain more directly for it to soften.
Tara, thank you for these videos as a reminder.
Lisa Yoder says
I tried to maintain a relationship for nearly 3 years that needed to end rather than accept its conclusion. I deluded myself that I could find a middle way between all and nothing. Hope rose and reality settled back in, resulting in engagement, then distance to sort out the mix of feelings. The fluctuation of enjoyment and heartbreak while navigating a valiant attempt at loving and separation, and seeing how the relationship no longer fit me, prolonged the suffering and grief for each of us.
I think that Divorce and dementia produce a different grief than a death. With divorce and dementia, the person is still around but no longer available so the grief gets confused. I wanted to allow for things to change sufficiently to return to the marriage; I really didn’t want to divorce. But I was deluding myself, avoiding reality and grasping for what it used to be. In the end, I created more suffering and prolonged grief process than had I divorced a year or 2 earlier. Lessons learned, hopefully. and my heart is broken wide open!
Maja says
Hello! Within last 6 months I lost mother and 2 close relatives-2 days ago was a funeral of my uncle. So this learning comes in precious time.
When I lose someone I feel release, lightness, happiness because the suffering is gone for the person who’s gone and for me too. But later I feel presure, unease, grief, anxiety, anger, guilt , cant breath .
Being in the nature, on fresh air, walking, talking and sharing emotions with people who are involved in the same process of loss and healing helps.
Thank you for your support and conscious teachings that support presence.
Tina Shearer says
I am grieving loss of my partner of 30 years
He did not die he left me for another younger woman
I feel angry, sad and lonely
I try to use mindfulness
Tina Shearer says
My partner of 30 years left me for another woman 20 years my junior
It’s now three years later I’m still grieving the loss every day and tormented by our hardship what went so badly wrong?
I feel a grief which overwhelms me at times I
It would’ve been easier if he had died
It’s a terrible thing to say, but I’m tormented by our life together and now my situation living alone
My mood swings up and down I have taken antidepressants before
I tried to deal with it with mindfulness now
And gain and seeking another counsellor
My fundamental beliefs are in Buddism which helps
Robert Mendez says
I tend to go to being angry and not wanting to accept the loss
Donna says
I’m not sure I avoid grief, the loss of my beloved husband 2.5 ago, what I am is aware of the awareness of grief. I feel a dull staleness in my chest. I breathe deeply feeling awareness.
Irene clare hogan says
tara thank you.i need this processto grieve the change in my relatioship with a beloved trust that i founded 48 years ago.
Anne says
I tried to remember sweet moments with my dead sister.
Noel Legorburu says
relentless business or focusing almost exclusively on the relationship with the deceased individual (good and bad)
Barb Henning says
I tend to try to stay busy. Yet when I mindfully rest in the pain I paradoxically feel presence. Calming and healing presence.
Paulette Christopher says
Stay busy
Over work
Use substances
Functional Neurological Disorder (hypothesis on my part)
Isolate
“Help” others
Amanda says
Keeping busy
Monica says
My husband of 39 years died in April so now at 80 I am alone. He suffered a lot in his last few months so it feels like a relief that he is at peace. I have not cried at all as it was difficult living with his torments. I am figuring out how to do what I want, eat when I want, cook what pleases me & revisit places & things we used to do. I am taking it slow & easy & trying to care more for myself with my own health issues. I’m wondering if & when will tears come.
Will Drennan says
Working with Clients that have been through addictions and incarceration.
PTSD
Trauma
Bereavement
Criminality
Recovery
Family ancestral Trauma
Robert Carknard says
I stay busy and fall into depression very often!
Valerie says
I loss two brothers to drugs overdose so trying to avoid my brothers friends and doing things for other people gets me through the grief
Janet says
My father was killed very suddenly in an explosion 26 years ago. I didn’t realize until I was in my mid 40s that I was traumatized by his death. At the time I think I was overwhelmed, I was only 20 years old I’d not experienced death until then. I think I was in a state of shock and denial and my emotions froze. I just felt very strange I had no idea how to handle it all so I just carried on as best I could with my college course living my life in my early 20s travelling etc etc. after two years I thought I was ‘over it’ because I felt more normal but my eating became disordered for a while, my stomach was full of anxiety which I interpreted as hunger, I found it very hard to be alone but equally hard to be with people, for example I wanted my boyfriend who I lived with at the time to be in the next room. it is only relatively recently that I recognize how profoundly this early loss impacted me. I consider myself very lucky to have met a very loving man when I was 40 who just by being himself and being constant has helped me to open up relax and really love somebody. I am so please to have access to this resource it has come at a very opportune moment because the grief has resurfaced again as it has several times throughout my life.
Patrick Carmody says
Following the loss of my wife to suicide I frequently avoid dealing with things that need to get done.
Anne says
I ruminate!