Through obsessive thinking about what I should have done, how others let me down and how I should be more careful in the future. But all the while descending into a chasm of hopelessness where I feel that it is absolutely clear now about how things are never going to get better again and that this is the end and that I am doomed to immense and debilitating eternal fear and suffering.
From watching Tara’s video I realise that I myself have not come to terms with the loss of my partner , 8 years ago. I thought I’d got on with things and was over it , but maybe I never did. I worked hard and kept going , raised his 15 year old son to university age. Now I feel old and have to struggle to create meaning in my life, mainly through my work as a psychotherapist. I have started doing bereavement counselling on a voluntary basis. All seemed to be ok but lately I’ve been questioning everything and feeling that I never really grieved my own loss. Now I don’t even know how.
I am a certified mindfulness teacher (MMTCP) focusing on providing mindful self-compassion training to those who love/support someone with a severe mental health diagnosis, many of whom have lost their loved one to suicide or overdose. I myself am such a person. I am not a licensed mental healthcare provider. I have regarded Tara as a root teacher for over 12 years. I’m not sure I am part of the intended audience for this, but I am drawn to it.
My best friend recently took her life. I found out the day after my wedding. The emotional rollercoaster over the last 3 months has been anything but easy or straight forward. I find myself in a place of so many aspects of my life “not working” and a feeling of “needing” to reorganize my house or go on some trip to shake things up. I am noticing all the ways I am attempting to avoid the grief, yet at the same time noticing the fear if I really let the grief to be there it might swallow me whole.
I think the one saving grace was that yr friend decided she did not want to be here any more and was able to control that one last decision. I’m in favor of people having a choice. And still am sorry for yr loss. It’s huge n I acknowledge that.
We lost our 49 year old son to pancreatic cancer 2 months ago. The pain continues in waves. I have been trying to stay busy to distract myself from this pain.
I’ve done some reading and have friends who support me.
Trying to move on to quickly
Recently lost a friend from our community. New him as a group mentor on zoom meeting. At first on hearing the news it was I could not believe it was true. As the days past, the sad news gradually settled in with me. Self blame started, then numbness set in, deep painful headaches. Looking at this beautiful first video, I can see I was not letting this heart breaking news to settle in with me. The funeral was recently, for the days leading up, I have been very emotional. But by embracing the live stream, how the family allowed the community to embrace this very tender moment. I was able to light at candle in peace towards the end. Thank you NICABM, I watched the first video an hour before the funeral.🙏🥰
Interesting that depression is a way of avoiding grief….I never thought about it that way. Yet it makes sense. Being present with the pain, being open to it …vs. going down a black hole of depression running away from the experience of the grief. It is almost counterintuitive.
I retired last year from work as a psychologist. My husband couldnt accept this. He responded very unreasonably to me wanting to retire at 70. So after trying for a long time l have left the marriage of 49 years. The pain of this and the reconstitution of my identity has been a huge journey. I cried during the exercise. The loss isn’t as raw as it was. Mindfulness and RAIN help. Thanks for your teaching and blessings. You have been a treasure in my practice and my life xx
First of all I would like to thank you for this video and guidance. I am a social worker from Greece.
I personally avoid grief by using humor , with self-sarcasm. This is also a way of connecting with others when the loss I am experiencing makes me considerably uncomfortable but at the same time I need connection.
Many thanks for your teaching and for making this available. I recently lost both of my grandmothers within about a month of each other. It has been hard to walk through all the emotions involved. It’s all just too much. But with time I hope it gets easier.
My son of 36 had a stroke last year. We all found the miraculous in his healing and have been blessed in the fact that although the stroke was server his age was on his side. However he has been left blind in one eye and suffers from aphasia quite badly. Although it has been a huge loss for him he has become gentle, more compassionate of others and has a contemplative way about him that he didn’t posses before.
It is so hard to see him struggle to find words or understand and yet the love and patience shown to him can be then experienced by himself toward his difficulties.
Just as love finds a way so does the beauty in the moments we share together knowing that he may not have made it at all. Each meeting a blessing and as we laugh at times over the confusion around words we hold lightly the grief of the loss against the love that underpins it all.
Many thanks Tara. You words have great relevance for me at present. I lost both of my parents over the last 6 months and while I was blessed to have them in my life for 55 years I miss them a lot. Great comfort to remind myself that love will come back in different ways. They say grief is love without a home.
As with all of Tara’s teachings, this was incredibly helpful. Major loss and trauma have featured in my life starting at age 12. Rebelliousness, drinking, anxiety, depression, a need for excitement, aggression, self-blame, lack of self-confidence, an inability to have real connection with people, have featured throughout my life. Physical pain too with chronic osteoarthritis. And most recently an incurable cancer diagnosis and the loss of my life as I knew it.
Depression is ever-present, interspersed with periods of clarity. Determination is also strongly present, along with a love of life. But also avoidance, which the brief meditation at the end of Tara’s talk reminded me of.
I often feel I’m crying inside and wonder whether anyone else relates to this. My intention to meditate is also part of this avoidance. It’s easier to live in a state of what feels normal.
I avoid grief by trying to control everything to avoid disaster, or by distracting myself with work. I’m terrified of the latest prediction that AI could destroy humankind in the next decade. I’m overwhelmed with anxiety and worse case scenario thinking. I’m hopeful that presence and compassion can help me process the grief that accompanies all of this.
I meditate daily & I’ve not been sitting for a week or two after the loss of my mom. Instead I watch TV, or play games on the computer. I clean and organize when it’s not necessary and I focus on the next home projects that need attention.
I’ve finally sat in meditation for shorter time periods and allowed myself to feel the sadness, emptiness and disorientation of my mom’s death.
Thank you for this video.
As I remember my partner, I have found myself experiencing the deep connection we had, in a more deeper sense/level. At times I can feel so thankful, while still missing having him here physically. But I need to acknowledge that sometimes while experiencing the grief, I can get stuck and think I am not doing something right, otherwise I would experience such deep emotions. It comes in waves, this moving forward and learning to “move” with the loss and grief I feel.
I’m dealing with complex grief: the love of my life, still very much alive, but with worsening Alzheimers. My Buddhist practice and learning to accept impermanence is hugely helpful.
Depression/anxiety – – my husband died 3 1/2 years ago — my grief has changed, but it’s still here. Recently I had an accident. I ended up with a compression fracture in my back and a broken wrist. I’m having a really hard time dealing with this setback. And afraid of what this means for me for the rest of my life. I’ve ended up with curvature in my spine that I’m afraid I’ll always have. I’ve always been active and now I can’t even stand for long periods of time or take long walks. I’m so afraid that I’ll always be like this. I’m 74 and I remember my grandma looking like this. It’s a real loss and i’m afraid and don’t know how to move past it.
I am currently navigating my husband and soul mate of 50 years having a terminal illness. I am sometimes able to be with the rawness of my grief and fear, and other times stay too busy, distract myself. It’s a dance. Having a somatic therapist who really guides me into the feelings and stays so presence with me is such a help. Thank you for this video. It has been very helpful also.
Thank you for your video. I lost my husband of 55 years together 5 months ago. My way of dealing with the loss has been to be busy and I also got myself a rescue cat. I just could not be alone in the house I needed someone to be there, therefore the cat Kiki came into my life and has been a blessing to me.
I am helping an immigrant client with complex grief after 30 years of marriage ended without any external reason, conflict or argument. To her it feels like death yet he is alive and apparently avoiding grief with other old and new relationships, travel and entertainment. She lost all her friend circle and have no family in the US. It impacted their only adult working daughter far away, who even today after 10 years is scared of any relationship.
I really got a lot out of this first of a series of thriving and coping with grief. I look forward to the upcoming sessions too. This first video has given me a lot of thoughts on how to process grief and sharing it with others, I will probably watch it another time or two.
I have been holding grief for decades. I have made poor choices through guilt and self loathing while loving, having deep empathy and compassion for others that I felt unworthy of for myself. I have not resorted to drugs, gambling or other such behaviors, but have behaved in ways that did not serve me. I can see the pain and despair in others but not myself. I recently had a realization that is giving me the courage to look and work with the deep suffering I have carried.
I kept myself busy with friends. When I wasn’t out with friends I would numbed myself by playing solitaire on my phone for hours at a time. It allowed me not think of anything except the game. For hours, days, weeks. It was an obsession.
Thomas Harvey says
Change subject.
Exercise
Talk to a family member or friend
One cocktail
Watch TV
Annie Leslie says
Right now I am stuck in self blame about the break up with my partner.
Marie says
I procrastinate. I delay moving forward and this makes me feel stuck.
Ahmad Zafar says
Through obsessive thinking about what I should have done, how others let me down and how I should be more careful in the future. But all the while descending into a chasm of hopelessness where I feel that it is absolutely clear now about how things are never going to get better again and that this is the end and that I am doomed to immense and debilitating eternal fear and suffering.
Molly Ballantine says
I find I sleep a lot.
Mary Scott says
From watching Tara’s video I realise that I myself have not come to terms with the loss of my partner , 8 years ago. I thought I’d got on with things and was over it , but maybe I never did. I worked hard and kept going , raised his 15 year old son to university age. Now I feel old and have to struggle to create meaning in my life, mainly through my work as a psychotherapist. I have started doing bereavement counselling on a voluntary basis. All seemed to be ok but lately I’ve been questioning everything and feeling that I never really grieved my own loss. Now I don’t even know how.
Robert Lewis Bates says
I am a certified mindfulness teacher (MMTCP) focusing on providing mindful self-compassion training to those who love/support someone with a severe mental health diagnosis, many of whom have lost their loved one to suicide or overdose. I myself am such a person. I am not a licensed mental healthcare provider. I have regarded Tara as a root teacher for over 12 years. I’m not sure I am part of the intended audience for this, but I am drawn to it.
Claire Edwards says
A couple – staying with something that is proving damaging – behaving in ways they then feel ashamed of.
Nikki says
My best friend recently took her life. I found out the day after my wedding. The emotional rollercoaster over the last 3 months has been anything but easy or straight forward. I find myself in a place of so many aspects of my life “not working” and a feeling of “needing” to reorganize my house or go on some trip to shake things up. I am noticing all the ways I am attempting to avoid the grief, yet at the same time noticing the fear if I really let the grief to be there it might swallow me whole.
Patty says
I think the one saving grace was that yr friend decided she did not want to be here any more and was able to control that one last decision. I’m in favor of people having a choice. And still am sorry for yr loss. It’s huge n I acknowledge that.
yady says
Thanks for information.
I will like traslate the video.
Crossley Candace says
We lost our 49 year old son to pancreatic cancer 2 months ago. The pain continues in waves. I have been trying to stay busy to distract myself from this pain.
I’ve done some reading and have friends who support me.
Steve L says
Trying to move on to quickly
Recently lost a friend from our community. New him as a group mentor on zoom meeting. At first on hearing the news it was I could not believe it was true. As the days past, the sad news gradually settled in with me. Self blame started, then numbness set in, deep painful headaches. Looking at this beautiful first video, I can see I was not letting this heart breaking news to settle in with me. The funeral was recently, for the days leading up, I have been very emotional. But by embracing the live stream, how the family allowed the community to embrace this very tender moment. I was able to light at candle in peace towards the end. Thank you NICABM, I watched the first video an hour before the funeral.🙏🥰
Sharon Farrand says
Isolate themselves. Inappropriately use medications.
wayne swatlowski says
I will share with my First Unitarian Universalist, End-of Life Journey small group
Nancy Hutter says
Interesting that depression is a way of avoiding grief….I never thought about it that way. Yet it makes sense. Being present with the pain, being open to it …vs. going down a black hole of depression running away from the experience of the grief. It is almost counterintuitive.
Melissa McLoud says
Saying she was not a good mother. That I don’t need to mourn her.
Anne Woodward says
I retired last year from work as a psychologist. My husband couldnt accept this. He responded very unreasonably to me wanting to retire at 70. So after trying for a long time l have left the marriage of 49 years. The pain of this and the reconstitution of my identity has been a huge journey. I cried during the exercise. The loss isn’t as raw as it was. Mindfulness and RAIN help. Thanks for your teaching and blessings. You have been a treasure in my practice and my life xx
Dimitra says
First of all I would like to thank you for this video and guidance. I am a social worker from Greece.
I personally avoid grief by using humor , with self-sarcasm. This is also a way of connecting with others when the loss I am experiencing makes me considerably uncomfortable but at the same time I need connection.
Rosie says
I can often have ruminating thoughts on how I could have prevented the loss from happening and what I could have done better.
Kadie says
Many thanks for your teaching and for making this available. I recently lost both of my grandmothers within about a month of each other. It has been hard to walk through all the emotions involved. It’s all just too much. But with time I hope it gets easier.
Louise whitnall says
My son of 36 had a stroke last year. We all found the miraculous in his healing and have been blessed in the fact that although the stroke was server his age was on his side. However he has been left blind in one eye and suffers from aphasia quite badly. Although it has been a huge loss for him he has become gentle, more compassionate of others and has a contemplative way about him that he didn’t posses before.
It is so hard to see him struggle to find words or understand and yet the love and patience shown to him can be then experienced by himself toward his difficulties.
Just as love finds a way so does the beauty in the moments we share together knowing that he may not have made it at all. Each meeting a blessing and as we laugh at times over the confusion around words we hold lightly the grief of the loss against the love that underpins it all.
Siobhan says
Many thanks Tara. You words have great relevance for me at present. I lost both of my parents over the last 6 months and while I was blessed to have them in my life for 55 years I miss them a lot. Great comfort to remind myself that love will come back in different ways. They say grief is love without a home.
Shelagh says
As with all of Tara’s teachings, this was incredibly helpful. Major loss and trauma have featured in my life starting at age 12. Rebelliousness, drinking, anxiety, depression, a need for excitement, aggression, self-blame, lack of self-confidence, an inability to have real connection with people, have featured throughout my life. Physical pain too with chronic osteoarthritis. And most recently an incurable cancer diagnosis and the loss of my life as I knew it.
Depression is ever-present, interspersed with periods of clarity. Determination is also strongly present, along with a love of life. But also avoidance, which the brief meditation at the end of Tara’s talk reminded me of.
I often feel I’m crying inside and wonder whether anyone else relates to this. My intention to meditate is also part of this avoidance. It’s easier to live in a state of what feels normal.
Debbie says
They keep excessively busy
Stacey says
I avoid grief by trying to control everything to avoid disaster, or by distracting myself with work. I’m terrified of the latest prediction that AI could destroy humankind in the next decade. I’m overwhelmed with anxiety and worse case scenario thinking. I’m hopeful that presence and compassion can help me process the grief that accompanies all of this.
Rita says
I meditate daily & I’ve not been sitting for a week or two after the loss of my mom. Instead I watch TV, or play games on the computer. I clean and organize when it’s not necessary and I focus on the next home projects that need attention.
I’ve finally sat in meditation for shorter time periods and allowed myself to feel the sadness, emptiness and disorientation of my mom’s death.
Thank you for this video.
barb says
As I remember my partner, I have found myself experiencing the deep connection we had, in a more deeper sense/level. At times I can feel so thankful, while still missing having him here physically. But I need to acknowledge that sometimes while experiencing the grief, I can get stuck and think I am not doing something right, otherwise I would experience such deep emotions. It comes in waves, this moving forward and learning to “move” with the loss and grief I feel.
Margaret says
Sudden breakups
Tarja says
Ways of avoiding pain:minimising how I have affected by loss, poor me attitude, life is not fair, why the most nicest people have to die
Chris says
Death of adult son 3 years ago; sadness and finding meaning…
Oddna says
Increasing anxiety, eating pattern, feeling depression, romantizizing substance use.
Lori says
I stay busy
I go to a lot of meeting
I try not to think about the grief
Sarah Hathaway says
I’m dealing with complex grief: the love of my life, still very much alive, but with worsening Alzheimers. My Buddhist practice and learning to accept impermanence is hugely helpful.
Bettina Peterseil says
I hesitate to feel and sit with . I plan , it s been my early survival mechanism
Kim McKay says
I go into depression or overactivity. I lost my cat, Giraffe..I didn’t get the job, I had a home invasion- all in a week. Whew. Then I got sick.
Terry Bonar says
Depression/anxiety – – my husband died 3 1/2 years ago — my grief has changed, but it’s still here. Recently I had an accident. I ended up with a compression fracture in my back and a broken wrist. I’m having a really hard time dealing with this setback. And afraid of what this means for me for the rest of my life. I’ve ended up with curvature in my spine that I’m afraid I’ll always have. I’ve always been active and now I can’t even stand for long periods of time or take long walks. I’m so afraid that I’ll always be like this. I’m 74 and I remember my grandma looking like this. It’s a real loss and i’m afraid and don’t know how to move past it.
Cynthia Flowers says
I am currently navigating my husband and soul mate of 50 years having a terminal illness. I am sometimes able to be with the rawness of my grief and fear, and other times stay too busy, distract myself. It’s a dance. Having a somatic therapist who really guides me into the feelings and stays so presence with me is such a help. Thank you for this video. It has been very helpful also.
Karen says
Thank you for your video. I lost my husband of 55 years together 5 months ago. My way of dealing with the loss has been to be busy and I also got myself a rescue cat. I just could not be alone in the house I needed someone to be there, therefore the cat Kiki came into my life and has been a blessing to me.
Smita says
I am helping an immigrant client with complex grief after 30 years of marriage ended without any external reason, conflict or argument. To her it feels like death yet he is alive and apparently avoiding grief with other old and new relationships, travel and entertainment. She lost all her friend circle and have no family in the US. It impacted their only adult working daughter far away, who even today after 10 years is scared of any relationship.
Dave O’Neil says
Denial – quickly dismissing and moving past the real grief and minimization of the reality of the existence of the impact of the event
Marie Dorish says
I really got a lot out of this first of a series of thriving and coping with grief. I look forward to the upcoming sessions too. This first video has given me a lot of thoughts on how to process grief and sharing it with others, I will probably watch it another time or two.
karen says
I have been holding grief for decades. I have made poor choices through guilt and self loathing while loving, having deep empathy and compassion for others that I felt unworthy of for myself. I have not resorted to drugs, gambling or other such behaviors, but have behaved in ways that did not serve me. I can see the pain and despair in others but not myself. I recently had a realization that is giving me the courage to look and work with the deep suffering I have carried.
Lori says
Minimizing its effects and use the “excuse” of powering through my job and other responsibilities as my priority.
Also, saying that others have it much worse than I do.
Robin Poirier-Vasic says
I kept myself busy with friends. When I wasn’t out with friends I would numbed myself by playing solitaire on my phone for hours at a time. It allowed me not think of anything except the game. For hours, days, weeks. It was an obsession.
Frankie says
Many avoid grief through the use of substances/consumption.
Eliza says
I am interested in helping those with complex grief
Claire says
Feeling int intitally but as time goes on not thinking about it for very long
Deborah Shelton says
I eat to stuff my feelings and I try to n keep busy
Maggie says
I’m exploring the grief that comes from smaller losses and knowing I cannot change or control another’s behaviour.
Chuck Cobb says
Thanks for this video.