How to Ease the Pain of Trauma-Induced Shame
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with Bessel van der Kolk, MD;
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with Bessel van der Kolk, MD; Ruth Lanius, MD, PhD; Peter Levine, PhD; Thema Bryant-Davis, PhD; Richard Schwartz, PhD; Pat Ogden, PhD; Janina Fisher, PhD; Kathy Steele, MN, CS; Stephen Porges, PhD; Martha Sweezy, PhD, LICSW; Deb Dana, LCSW; Ruth Buczynski, PhD
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Shame. An awareness of exposure, our nakedness exposed for all to see and ridicule, our flaws put on display which renders us acutely aware of our vulnerability and inadequacy. Unless there is a covering which cleanses, protects and equips, shame will attempt to keep us hidden in dark and foul corners.
This session was hugely interesting for me. As a Hypnotherapist I often work with parts therapy. If nothing else works, it’s usually a part that is preventing progress! Today’s session gave me further insight into the relationship of shame and how to proceed with caution around shame and to understand how that part is working for the client. I hadn’t considered using the clients posture before but will now be able to incorporate that into some conversations. I do look for ideo-motor responses both in and out of trance and these can be very subtle, even a tiny movement of a finger. The comparison of suicidal or para-suicidal self harm was interesting and how self harm can be a kind of addiction because I hadn’t considered that before. Apart from finding this helpful with clients, I had a real Ah-ha moment that helped me fully understand what is happening with a family member.
Pamela Needham, UK
I found the concept of moral injury and it’s link to shame and trauma to be extremely helpful. I have not previously thought of it this way and I think it has many applications. For one thing, I immediately thought of the process that we as white people go through when we learn about racism and how we have unwittingly participated in harming others even as we have striven to be anti-racist. As a young person, I learned that it was shameful to be racist. Connecting this kind of shame to the idea of moral injury helps me to understand this shame in a way that gives me a path forward.
Thank you.
I really liked the use of more than one voice dominating the client’s narrative. It reminded me of a youtube video that I used for a mindfulness presentation I developed. It does refer to mindfulness, but in doing so it uses the two wolves anaology. If you are interested in viewing it please google – How Mindfulness Empowers Us – it was created by happify
I meant the parts rather than the voice
Thank you for this!! So helpful and insightful. I really loved looking at shame as a protective part – makes total sense. The information and conceptualization around moral injury stimulated a lot of thought about how to more effectively treat this complex issue. I’ll be chewing on this for weeks. Thanks again.
Thank you for this program.
Your affirmation that the work we do can change the world is helpful in this moment of seemingly overwhelming systemic corruption and mis-leadership.
The parts of the program that felt most encouraging to me were ones in which I could recognize interventions I had made with clients, more on the basis of intuition than theory but which worked for the client and in retrospect I see that they were consistent with the approach you and your team were advocating. I am reminded of the lessons from previous teachers that had become “reflexes”.
An idea I had learned from Dr. Peter Levine some years ago was SLOW SLOW SLOW and take time to find the feeling in the body.
His description of slowly moving in and out of posture of shame reiterated this and is similar to a method from NLP. The idea of watching the client’s micro movements for evidence of incomplete actions frozen by the trauma is familiar from Levine’s SE.
The strategy of creating new “goodness” to counterbalance the “badness” of the moral injury moment seems familiar from Levine and Ben Colodzin. Colodzin incorporated practical ecological restoration work into his multifaceted trauma healing retreats.
An idea of VALUING and VALIDATING the troublesome part felt familiar.
A new and useful idea was that of asking permission of all the OTHER parts BEFORE engaging with the “Firefighter” troublesome part.
I plan to keep this in mind and try some different ways of introducing it into my practice. “No one does that job better. It is a hard job. How could we do even better? Could someone else help?”
I look forward to hearing more about methods to help the client access and experience their “Authentic/Core Self”
I have been aware of the neurochemical payoffs from self-harm from the pioneering work of Dr. Mira Z. Amiras on the subculture of BDSM.
The idea of asking the client “How long does the relief last?” is new to me and seems worthwhile – in sensitively chosen context.
Also helpful was the idea of the caregivers of a child who has to be told, “No!” following up by promoting secure attachment and validating the child’s choice to withdraw from danger AND repairing the “shame break/brake”.
The idea that cognitively contradicting the client’s self-negation could be counter productive rings true; “failure of empathy”, “alienating”, probably also too arousing. One guideline I’ve carried forward from teachers in the “understatement” strategy is to tone it down to a “homeopathic dose”, a self-validation that is so minimal that to a normal person it would feel like “damning with faint praise” but to the bearer of shame it is small enough to be credible and non-threatening.
The strategy of holding space for client’s conflict – on the one hand observation that “Right here and now we are safe” AND the body FEELS unsafe BOTH being true.
The guidance for counselor to focus on cushioning their own response to discomfort and focusing on BEING PRESENT WITH THE CLIENT as the CLIENT encounters their own feelings, processes their feelings, and learns to bring their response down to manageable size – sound right to me. This points, again, to the inner work that counselors must do in order to remain connected and responsive to the client while at the same time self-regulated; a sophisticated mindfulness practice.
The idea of “befriending the client’s nervous system” is a shift of perspective. That may take some time to sink in for me . . . I can identify with allowing PART of myself to resonate on a body level with what the client’s body is going through, while another part of myself witnesses and reaches for compassion both for my own discomfort-in-resonance and for the client’s struggle.
The idea of “moral injury” was new to me.
I appreciate your EXCELLENT offerings.
Thank you,
Fred V. Cook
Thank you all for another insightful session. Helps me to better understand the generational dissociation and shame for academic prowess and financial successes seen in marginalized and disenfranchised communities….in communities where our systems continuously Other them, dismiss them and ridicule them…and take away gains (as with ancestors) when made. Think: destruction/neglect of infrastructure, schools, art, nature, clean air & water, homes, businesses and even violation against places & ways of worship, one’s language, culture and beliefs. Too do “well” is to assimilate…and to open yourself up to ridicule, shame and more trauma. The collective moral injury of a people.
Helpful terms/aspects:
– “the parts”
– “the inner critic”
– “the core self”
– “recovery is complex”
– “hold the past, while creating new goodness”
– “notice, savor micro-moments”
Yes Tara, I agree. The flashbacks as a form of self harm was very interesting information that I found myself looking deeper into.
I found this really helpful in relation to specific clients and general information to be stored for potential help in the future. I will look at clients trauma and reactions through the lens of what I have learned this evening and try to employ the recommended approaches.
Thank you to all. Carole.
Hi, just a quick word since it’s getting late in Finland: I want to be more curious and respective of the different parts instead of trying to “fix” or get rid of any of them. I need to be more slow and patient. The need to titrate positive emotions was a novel idea to me. Many thanks, have enjoyed.
Thank you so much! I will use
the things I learned with my clients. I loved the comment about the trauma clients hand movement and that they wanted a hand to hold. Connection and love is the key. I will be more observant of body language from now on.
It was valuable to listen to this a second time.
I believe that the sensitivity to pacing and the realization that wanting your client to feel better, experiencing positive emotions to improve their life, has to be handled with care. They have possibly been connected with discomfort for so long, that positive emotions can be another source of discomfort. I can appreciate that a gradual introduction and a recalibration process, over an extended period, could be very helpful in moving to that next level. Great video and group of experts. Thank you.
I found the discussion of titrating client’s experience of positive emotions to be helpful, and also the consideration of flashbacks as a possible form of self harm. Thank you!
Wow! This was so useful in so many ways, thankyou. What I’m mostly taking away is the understanding of why a warm approach and pleasurable feelings might actually be triggering and the need to pace that. Currently experiencing that with clients. Thankyou
Not a professional, just wanting to understand myself and be more fulfilled in my life.
I didn’t know that shame is a normal response that has a biological function. I know that I feel shame and have been trying to “forgive” myself for things…..and there were tips on how to break that process down better and for it to be more effective for me.
I am so grateful for your generous offering. I am inspired to observe the bodies of my clients and also my own body. I loved listening to Pat Odgen describe once again the healing power of listening to the body. I cherish this sharing with patients how wise symptoms have been in the past as well as learning about the nervous system.
I loved listening to all of you. Thank you!
I continue to be surprised and encourgaged by the techniques where the therapists’ nervous system can affect the client in postive and negative ways. Also, how we can engage in physical activiites/skills to correct some of the clients problems and experiences. Being trained mainly with CBT, this is all new.
Thanks for this series and the experts involved to teach use that there are many more things we can add to our therapeutic tool box.
Thank you for this generous gift. My giving self is reinforced and more able to function.
Thanks so much. very informative. I have a client who has a secret that her shame won’t let her to open up about it. She imagined herself in a deep/dark hollow . I am using EMDR practice with her to be able to support her to decreased her shame and moral injury.
The part about moral injury was such a huge insight for me around clients that I work with because of how much they care and take responsibility for others (especially around societal mores or religious ideals). The idea that we can’t take it back or make it okay, but to simply hold the space for it as we move forward and create new good things in the world is an important practice that I will help them implement.
Defining moral injury and how to work with it was very helpful. Thank you.
positive feelings are uncomfortable and dangerous
I’d love to discuss more what it looks like when a client is using flashbacks as a form of self-harm. 🙂
As someone experienced with IFS Therapy, I found this segment expanded my skills and intuition.
One statement which really stood out for me was early in the segment, when Janina Fisher said, “Shame arises as a survival response; as a parasympathetic brake, that causes the child’s body to pause.” (Where the graphic depicted a child approaching the stove.) I’ve long thought about the origin of shame as being an “emergency brake for us as toddlers and children; however, I just hadn’t recognized the obvious neurological mechanism of parasympathetic activation. Thank you, Dr. Fisher, for mentioning this important detail!
re: shame can afford a sense of control
4 functions resulting from shame attack the other, attack the self, avoidance and no internal connection
Fischer’s question “how did shame help you survive”
VanderKolk teaching on The Tough Parts—exile the shame
Somatic tension is precursor of action
?Who benefits from this question?
Tx goal—help process and regulate shame not eliminating it
Repetitive flashbacks may be method of self punishment
Fischer “It works”. Adrenaline, endorphins. Cost Benefit of self harm exploration
Nash— “The mortal enemy of moral injury is Love”
The window of tolerance
My appreciation for each wise presenter
Thank you
I am loving the event… it is really helping me to identify shame more in my clients. I am recognised that i have naturally used the method of postures and held trauma to release pain and regulate nervous system. I am a Physiotherapist in UK working with chronic pain and ‘syndromes’ and I feel shame is a big thing in our culture. (I have seen it in myself with the moral shame and addictive flashbacks). To help myself as I am a “Felt sense” person I have used the 5 elements of nature to self regulate…
I have just finished writing a book about my experiences and my clients.
Thank you so much.