I avoid grief through plenty of tv that keeps sounds of words in my ears and little time to dwell on my losses. I know that I will one day feel grounded, and I can allow myself to dwell in the true presence of loving connection.
Keeping busy … getting involved in activities I put on hold for years … volunteering (most fulfilling volunteer work is with mindfulness groups) … helping others … laughter … making others laugh … making sure people feel connected; especially if they are going through challenging times.
Very helpful and grounding- we recently lost a dear dear friend after a long battle with cancer- a hole in our lives has appeared and this provides a very helpful process to incorporate the loss into our lives.
I avoid grief by throwing myself into other things. By distracting myself with activities, binge-watching rubbish. Used to do it by drinking. Now I tend to get curious about it. Write a song Poem. Short story. Channel it.
Thankyou for this video Tara 🙏
Over the years I have suppressed my feelings and done what was expected of me which led to depression. In other losses I have blamed myself and been very unwilling to feel the sadness, thinking I’ve failed if I do. I have had a post covid fatigue for 6 years and it has literally stopped me in my tracks, no more running away and being busy. It feels as if I’m peeling away the layers of grief for isolation and pain in my childhood. It’s hard but I’m beginning to accept it more and allow it to unfold
I just realized recently how I I have forgotten how to stop, relax, “do nothing” and be still. I believe this is how I avoid grief and perhaps other emotions.
As a result I get tired and have much less energy to be present with those that I love and most importantly with myself. The timing of this lesson could not be better.
Thank you 🙏🏽
Lee Szydlowski, Another Field, Aurora, CO, USAsays
I don’t avoid grief, rather, I make space and time for it to unfold. Meditation and compassion for self and others supports the process and, at least for me, allows for a gradual transformation into acceptance and closure. I volunteer as a Support Parent with Parent to Parent of Colorado.
Tara, thank you for this insight on grief and loss. The struggle I face is letting the client define their loss; I hear their story but my filters are not their filters. My frame of reference is different. If I do not take the time to hear the deep heart cry of the client, then I miss the healing that could happen, the connection that the client can make with the Truth that enables them to stand again on the Way. Maybe this is linked to ‘hurry’, because people fit sessions into busy schedules; feeling pain and loss takes time. Thank you again for this teaching.
Don’t know how else to communicate with Tara and community so will use this space.
After listening to one of your talks, Tara, I heard this song, and subsequently the whole album. It speaks to so much of what you’ve spoken about.
Iris Dement, “Working on a World”. It’s beautiful and hopeful.
Peace
when I lost my mum I went numb, when after 1y I’ve lost the 7.5y relationship I fell into depression and ran away. I ran away via travelling. stopped when I realized the sadness travels with me. tried to form a relationship, added another layer of suffering. threw myself into spirituality, as it gave me hope that there is a point to this life after all, but also a constant wondering What if all of it it’s just a lie?! tried all sorts of therapies hoping to fix myself and suite the emptiness inside. but the reality is my life stopped 6y ago and everything ever since is just another attempt to move on or to get back to my old self :/ [p.s I am from Romania but there is a bug and had to choose USA in order to post the comment]
I am trying to give my grief space for it to do whatever it is going to do. I want to experience it and let it move through me. That said, I do need relief from grief, and so I have found that hiking gives me some relief, something to look forward to, and something to plan around.
Hi, Tara. When I hear that question, I see an image of a hamster wheel, spinning and spinning and spinning, trying to keep up with the world, but often meaninglessly, alone, and stuck.
Hi Tara – my strategy is depression (although I never thought of it as a strategy), self loathing and blame – this idea that I always knew I was worthless so of course this is happening. I also numb with the NYTimes games, reading, exercise and tv. Anything to distract and avoid. Thank you.
I spend a lot of time/energy trying to convince myself and others that it will all be ok. That there’s no need for pain if everything is ok. And by ok I think I just meant that financially it will be ok. And the business will be ok. That the house will be ok. That the funeral will be ok. That the kids will be ok. But being just ok was never the goal.
I realize it is so easy to turn away from grief and pain due to the ability to over-consume everything these days. Distractions are so easy. Even the over-abundance of self-help can lead to avoidance of actually sitting with the pain. I love how gently Tara encourages people to look inward, without overwhelming the system. I’m excited to use this with my own clients.
My husband died unexpectedly 10 June 2023 after 43 years together. I felt he was my anchor, kept mke balanced, since I can be spontaneous in my actons not sitting down and thinking things all the way through before acting. I have my Unity friends and center that helps keep me balanced and I have learned since retiring not to be so compulsive in my actions. I do miss having someone at the house to talk to and do things together. I know I’ll get through this because I want to. Just feeling lost some days.
Valerie Wright, Psychotherapy, Lake Forest, CA, USAsays
I have a client with complex PTSD who demonstrates all the symptoms of avoidance you discussed. She’s aware of this but fears facing the pain, yet it keeps her in the cycle. Hoping that the future videos go further into your techniques of facing the loss…
I am concerned that I am not really grieving the recent loss of my oldest sister. She left home when I was only five. Also, even when I was with her as an adult, she never felt comfortable sharing her feelings. For both of these reasons, I feel that regardless of significant adult time together over the decades, I never really knew her. Therefore, I am wondering what it is that I should/could be feeling, what it is I have really lost.
Kimberly Cian, Social Work, Salamanca, NY, USAsays
Simply acknowledging the sadness within, as a presence to welcome for further walks together, lightens the breathing and thoughts of self-shame for feeling sad at all.
Carolyn Pringle, LMSW, Social Work, Port Huron, MI, USAsays
I face my grief and explore what beauty my loved one brought into my life. I celebrate them and try to take on the qualities that my loved one had that I cherished.
After my husband died July 4, 2023 I became very obsessive compulsive in several areas of my life. I continued with my resonant healing practitioner, formed a circle of other widows to support me, and dove deeply into the spiritual practice that anchors me. Now I am more settled, I continue my body movement modalities, exercising, walking, freeform dancing, journaling, deepening friendships, and have become deeply involved in my local Unity church. By continually facing grief as it shows up I feel reborn into a new way of living. Thanks for the video, I feel informed with fresh inspiration.
For the first six months after losing my son unexpectedly I threw myself into work in order to avoid the pain. I found that the grief was still there and it came back with a vengeance. I now use my connections in several grief groups to remind myself that I am not alone. I also participate in energy work regularly, write in my journal, and spend time reading or listening to guided meditations.
Seems like what I have done for years to avoid grief of a loss of an intimate relationship is stay attached emotionally, an internal constant emotional longing. On the day to day I accepted the break up but have stayed attached and longing emotionally. I am beginning to invite the longing feeling into ( my kitchen for a cup of coffee) in other words into my heart and slowly accept my grief around the loss. There is a true feeling of inner peace that follows and I am inviting that longing into my heart often now. So as you imagine we drink a lot of coffee 🙂
Thank you, Tara, for your helpful and loving teachings.
Alina S, Another Field, College Station, TX, USAsays
I’ve lived in denial of my own trauma and grief for a long time, years.
I was OK, everything was OK, I had no problems, I told myself.
Facing the reality of my deeply buried anger, and sadness, was terrifying but it got to a point where I knew I simply had to acknowledge that I was not OK.
It was painful but very necessary and I am in a much better place now, re-building relationships and having cut contact with toxic family members.
After hearing your talk, I recognize that my loneliness and depression are from pulling away from the pain, becoming numb and distracting myself. Since I’ve been practicing meditation, I see more clearly how I avoid the suffering and meditation is helping me become more present. Yet I still struggle with the loneliness and realize that it is going to take more time and presence to heal.
Brian Carlton, Marriage/Family Therapy, BOTHELL, WA, USAsays
This was helpful in helping me to explore a recent personal loss the death of my brother and to help me turn toward the next phase of my life as I scale down and begin to embrace retirement. My embrace of my own losses helps me to assist my clients in their losses. – Brian Carlton, Ed.D., LMFT – Bothell, WA
Rebecca White, Nursing, Maple Mount, KY, USA says
I avoid grief through plenty of tv that keeps sounds of words in my ears and little time to dwell on my losses. I know that I will one day feel grounded, and I can allow myself to dwell in the true presence of loving connection.
Eileen C, Another Field, CROMWELL, CT, USA says
Keeping busy … getting involved in activities I put on hold for years … volunteering (most fulfilling volunteer work is with mindfulness groups) … helping others … laughter … making others laugh … making sure people feel connected; especially if they are going through challenging times.
Frank Schwartz says
Very helpful and grounding- we recently lost a dear dear friend after a long battle with cancer- a hole in our lives has appeared and this provides a very helpful process to incorporate the loss into our lives.
Lou says
Working, exercise
Janice says
a friend sent me the link to this site. Not sure how much I got out of it, but I’m sure others will find it helpful.
My grief is beyond measure. Trying to adjust to PTSD extremely difficult. Loads of self reflection and blame.
Claudia Stewart says
I avoid grief by throwing myself into other things. By distracting myself with activities, binge-watching rubbish. Used to do it by drinking. Now I tend to get curious about it. Write a song Poem. Short story. Channel it.
Chiara says
Thankyou for this video Tara 🙏
Over the years I have suppressed my feelings and done what was expected of me which led to depression. In other losses I have blamed myself and been very unwilling to feel the sadness, thinking I’ve failed if I do. I have had a post covid fatigue for 6 years and it has literally stopped me in my tracks, no more running away and being busy. It feels as if I’m peeling away the layers of grief for isolation and pain in my childhood. It’s hard but I’m beginning to accept it more and allow it to unfold
L Arick, Social Work, Carmel, IN, USA says
I just realized recently how I I have forgotten how to stop, relax, “do nothing” and be still. I believe this is how I avoid grief and perhaps other emotions.
As a result I get tired and have much less energy to be present with those that I love and most importantly with myself. The timing of this lesson could not be better.
Thank you 🙏🏽
Lee Szydlowski, Another Field, Aurora, CO, USA says
I don’t avoid grief, rather, I make space and time for it to unfold. Meditation and compassion for self and others supports the process and, at least for me, allows for a gradual transformation into acceptance and closure. I volunteer as a Support Parent with Parent to Parent of Colorado.
Judy G, Other, Springfield, MA, USA says
I am here primarily for myself as I do not have clients. I do however share my experience with family and friends and family who appreciate it.
Carla Joseph, Counseling, menasha, WI, USA says
Tara, thank you for this insight on grief and loss. The struggle I face is letting the client define their loss; I hear their story but my filters are not their filters. My frame of reference is different. If I do not take the time to hear the deep heart cry of the client, then I miss the healing that could happen, the connection that the client can make with the Truth that enables them to stand again on the Way. Maybe this is linked to ‘hurry’, because people fit sessions into busy schedules; feeling pain and loss takes time. Thank you again for this teaching.
Meg Towe, Another Field, Aston, PA, USA says
I find this very interesting and true.
Don’t know how else to communicate with Tara and community so will use this space.
After listening to one of your talks, Tara, I heard this song, and subsequently the whole album. It speaks to so much of what you’ve spoken about.
Iris Dement, “Working on a World”. It’s beautiful and hopeful.
Peace
R B, Another Field, SB, CA, USA says
I do not avoid it. I try to embrace it.
Maija Ruan, Psychotherapy, Portland , OR, USA says
Intellectualizing
Self blame
Cynthia, Counseling, Los Lunas, NM, USA says
I have the privilege of working with many on the grief journey so look forward to the videos with Tara.
Virginia Licari, Another Field, Smyrna, DE, USA says
Keeping busy.
celestina witWit, Another Field, SF, CA, USA says
when I lost my mum I went numb, when after 1y I’ve lost the 7.5y relationship I fell into depression and ran away. I ran away via travelling. stopped when I realized the sadness travels with me. tried to form a relationship, added another layer of suffering. threw myself into spirituality, as it gave me hope that there is a point to this life after all, but also a constant wondering What if all of it it’s just a lie?! tried all sorts of therapies hoping to fix myself and suite the emptiness inside. but the reality is my life stopped 6y ago and everything ever since is just another attempt to move on or to get back to my old self :/ [p.s I am from Romania but there is a bug and had to choose USA in order to post the comment]
Laura, Other, Tahoe City, CA, USA says
I am trying to give my grief space for it to do whatever it is going to do. I want to experience it and let it move through me. That said, I do need relief from grief, and so I have found that hiking gives me some relief, something to look forward to, and something to plan around.
Michelle Nilsen, Psychotherapy, Woodinville, WA, USA says
Hi, Tara. When I hear that question, I see an image of a hamster wheel, spinning and spinning and spinning, trying to keep up with the world, but often meaninglessly, alone, and stuck.
Shayna Schulz, Other, Lafayette, CA, USA says
Hi Tara – my strategy is depression (although I never thought of it as a strategy), self loathing and blame – this idea that I always knew I was worthless so of course this is happening. I also numb with the NYTimes games, reading, exercise and tv. Anything to distract and avoid. Thank you.
Lara Mantel, Social Work, Derry, NH, USA says
I spend a lot of time/energy trying to convince myself and others that it will all be ok. That there’s no need for pain if everything is ok. And by ok I think I just meant that financially it will be ok. And the business will be ok. That the house will be ok. That the funeral will be ok. That the kids will be ok. But being just ok was never the goal.
Rebekah Sandel, Psychotherapy, Milwaukee, WI, USA says
I realize it is so easy to turn away from grief and pain due to the ability to over-consume everything these days. Distractions are so easy. Even the over-abundance of self-help can lead to avoidance of actually sitting with the pain. I love how gently Tara encourages people to look inward, without overwhelming the system. I’m excited to use this with my own clients.
Debbie Clancy, Other, Milton, FL, USA says
My husband died unexpectedly 10 June 2023 after 43 years together. I felt he was my anchor, kept mke balanced, since I can be spontaneous in my actons not sitting down and thinking things all the way through before acting. I have my Unity friends and center that helps keep me balanced and I have learned since retiring not to be so compulsive in my actions. I do miss having someone at the house to talk to and do things together. I know I’ll get through this because I want to. Just feeling lost some days.
Valerie Wright, Psychotherapy, Lake Forest, CA, USA says
I have a client with complex PTSD who demonstrates all the symptoms of avoidance you discussed. She’s aware of this but fears facing the pain, yet it keeps her in the cycle. Hoping that the future videos go further into your techniques of facing the loss…
Melissa Richardson, Marriage/Family Therapy, Pismo Beach, CA, USA says
I love how you speak of grief and all the impacts that it can have on a person.
Dorrie Casey, Other, Chapel Hill, NC, USA says
I am concerned that I am not really grieving the recent loss of my oldest sister. She left home when I was only five. Also, even when I was with her as an adult, she never felt comfortable sharing her feelings. For both of these reasons, I feel that regardless of significant adult time together over the decades, I never really knew her. Therefore, I am wondering what it is that I should/could be feeling, what it is I have really lost.
Kimberly Cian, Social Work, Salamanca, NY, USA says
Simply acknowledging the sadness within, as a presence to welcome for further walks together, lightens the breathing and thoughts of self-shame for feeling sad at all.
Carolyn Pringle, LMSW, Social Work, Port Huron, MI, USA says
I face my grief and explore what beauty my loved one brought into my life. I celebrate them and try to take on the qualities that my loved one had that I cherished.
Nancy Hollander, Physical Therapy, Chicago, IL, USA says
Thank you Cheryl. I am trying to take on the wonderful qualities of our son who passed away suddenly last year. It helps me to ‘hear’ him!
Carol Fischbach, Nursing, Vancouver, WA, USA says
I go into self blame and depression then, when I can, distraction. I miss my husband deeply and it’s only been 7 weeks. It’s so hard.
LuAnne Champion, Clergy, Holt, MI, USA says
After my husband died July 4, 2023 I became very obsessive compulsive in several areas of my life. I continued with my resonant healing practitioner, formed a circle of other widows to support me, and dove deeply into the spiritual practice that anchors me. Now I am more settled, I continue my body movement modalities, exercising, walking, freeform dancing, journaling, deepening friendships, and have become deeply involved in my local Unity church. By continually facing grief as it shows up I feel reborn into a new way of living. Thanks for the video, I feel informed with fresh inspiration.
Lori Mar, Teacher, Springfield , IL, USA says
For the first six months after losing my son unexpectedly I threw myself into work in order to avoid the pain. I found that the grief was still there and it came back with a vengeance. I now use my connections in several grief groups to remind myself that I am not alone. I also participate in energy work regularly, write in my journal, and spend time reading or listening to guided meditations.
Becky Mckenna, Marriage/Family Therapy, Webster Groves, MO, USA says
I realize I tend to focus away from my grief by doing more productive things and leaning into other passions I have.
Kat H, Other, Marietta, GA, USA says
Seems like what I have done for years to avoid grief of a loss of an intimate relationship is stay attached emotionally, an internal constant emotional longing. On the day to day I accepted the break up but have stayed attached and longing emotionally. I am beginning to invite the longing feeling into ( my kitchen for a cup of coffee) in other words into my heart and slowly accept my grief around the loss. There is a true feeling of inner peace that follows and I am inviting that longing into my heart often now. So as you imagine we drink a lot of coffee 🙂
Thank you, Tara, for your helpful and loving teachings.
Deborah Warren, Teacher, Austin, TX, USA says
Walking my neighborhood
Looking up
Leading Improved fitness and connecting
Alina S, Another Field, College Station, TX, USA says
I’ve lived in denial of my own trauma and grief for a long time, years.
I was OK, everything was OK, I had no problems, I told myself.
Facing the reality of my deeply buried anger, and sadness, was terrifying but it got to a point where I knew I simply had to acknowledge that I was not OK.
It was painful but very necessary and I am in a much better place now, re-building relationships and having cut contact with toxic family members.
Susan Hill, Other, Lamy , NM, USA says
After hearing your talk, I recognize that my loneliness and depression are from pulling away from the pain, becoming numb and distracting myself. Since I’ve been practicing meditation, I see more clearly how I avoid the suffering and meditation is helping me become more present. Yet I still struggle with the loneliness and realize that it is going to take more time and presence to heal.
Brian Carlton, Marriage/Family Therapy, BOTHELL, WA, USA says
This was helpful in helping me to explore a recent personal loss the death of my brother and to help me turn toward the next phase of my life as I scale down and begin to embrace retirement. My embrace of my own losses helps me to assist my clients in their losses. – Brian Carlton, Ed.D., LMFT – Bothell, WA