I have been stifling the waves of grief by keeping my mind occupied, and when that becomes too hard, I bury myself in mindless activities to keep me moving. In fact, I often feel like I am in a race, pushing me physically to reach a state of exhaustion that will allow me to sleep through a night. And when that doesn’t work, I use alcohol and Advil PM. But I wake to do the race again the next morning. I find respite in listening to Tara, and minding her words, like “Tears are your friends”.
Substance abuse, eating or not eating, substituting another person in relationship for the person in the relationship that was lost, denial, acting strong, “I have to be strong for everyone else”.
Many of my clients avoid the grief of having basic childhood needs unmet, to the extent that they will tolerate unfufilling relationships rather than acknowledge their own reality as it actually was. They often have rose tinted glasses for how badly they suffered but will not hesitate to blame themselves for the systemic dysfunction.
This past January I lost my beloved husband to complications from Parkinson’s disease. For two his years, dementia got worse and worse.. I question the decisions I made in caring for him at home, and blame myself for my inability to know what was best for him. My heart tells me that I did the best I could, but self-doubt shows up again and again.
Although I am not a practitioner, I have offered help to others in similar situations when asked. Sharing what I’ve learned is helpful both for them and for me as I remember the impossible tasks of caring for someone who can’t really tell you what they need.
Alaina Marie, Another Field, Minneapolis , MN, USAsays
I’ve been avoiding dealing with it by keeping busy. But as each project completes, I fall into a blue state. Only when I stopped doing projects did I realize the expansive gap and grief I felt. Now I’m spiraling and found my way back to Tara Brach for guidance to get through.
I avoid grief by internalizing it, isolating, acting as if everything is fine. I’m afraid to express it for fear of being overwhelmed and not being able to control it.
Nikola Taylor, Social Work, Charlotte, NC, USAsays
As a bereavement counselor, I try to allow clients the space to process and explore their life with their loved one — so they can create a narrative that they can live with. We sit in discomfort, distress and uncertainty. Also connecting them to a larger community of some sort helps (support groups; exercise or hobby groups).
Nikola Taylor, Social Work, Charlotte, NC, USAsays
oops i might not have read the prompt closely enough. My clients avoid grief by distracting themselves with watching TV, sleeping or sometimes alcohol.
for 6 months I’ve been bedridden with 3 health conditions that converged at once just as I was starting a new practice as a grief counselor. I managed well using my practice to remain present but then my dearest friend of 38 years was murdered and then all the talk of the Epstein survivors reopened memories of my own abuse by my father and my family turning away from me. I realized I am using depression, a default for me, to shut down my painful feelings of loss.
Jill Powell, Another Field, Greenbrae, CA, USAsays
My Husband passed away suddenly nearly six months ago, my grief has been the hardest thing that I have ever gone through. The shock and horror of his passing leave me angry at the medical community, but also very thankful for their help. I am conflicted obviously. He died a very painful death that left the family reeling, I feel that we had a form of PTSD.
Confusion, I’ve made a lot of mistakes, my mind doesn’t work the way it used to. Pure heartbreak unable to stop the tears. Acceptance is coming slowly as time goes by but I still wait for him to enter a room, and life be back where it was. I’m now able to travel to see family and look forward to finding hope in the future.
RONALD KLEIN, Psychotherapy, Capitol Heights, MD, USAsays
Well done and with a lot of compassion with regard to previous losses (i.e., family members, friends, animals, employment, parts of myself as I age, etc.). Thanks for the video and allowing me to uncover my avoidance techniques. Better to learn to embrace it and realize that changes occur and loss/grief is part of living fully. Ronald Klein/Psychologist
WE are one, WE. All life goes through me, as one. Their joy or pain is part of me as one. For those who love with their hearts, instead of their eyes, there is no such thing as goodbyes. WE live as if WE never die, and die as if WE never lived filled with so much regrets in our last breath before we transition. WE must elevate to the next dimension to reach our true selves, and be enlighten to our oneness. WE must rise to our life force within and understand our last breath in this dimension is our first breath in our next reality, but this reality must be felt deeply before we transition. Fluidity creates the possibilities that awaits US. Stuckness leaves US in limbo and confusion of who WE are. WE are ONE
Nicky Robins, Another Field, Spokane Valley, WA, USAsays
I’ve avoided grief through distraction, by staying busy and/or numbing out staring at the tv but digesting little if any of what I was “watching”. Practicing meditation and mindfulness has always helped me to find clarity and acceptance of the regrets and sadness surrounding grief. Thank you, Tara, for these beautiful insights as to why it has helped. 💚✨
Mark Shepherd, Another Field, Portland, OR, USAsays
Grief and loss seems to keep coming. Lost my son in 2015 from a sudden car crash.
Lost my marriage and job in 2022.
Lost my brother-in-law this year to a horrible accident.
Once I have somewhat processed one grief it seems another is around the corner and the process is new and repeated but not in the same way.
Grief never leaves the body.
It seems cyclical and exhausting and have not found this renewed or deeper connection to myself and others that others seem to have – because of the losses.
All this compassion that arises.
I feel only more estranged from dysfunctional family and isolated and find it difficult to express my feelings and needs as this seems to be a required part of the grieving process?
What I see in some clients is self blame… lots of if only I… and I see it in myself too. There is a tendency to find fault, perhaps mirroring childhood experiences with parents, rather than holding a gentle caring presence for the losses. I also see the “keeping “ busy defense against pain which is supported by our culture. Meditation has been a life line for me to sit with and pause and notice what I’m feeling with an open heart. I find it so helpful but can slip back to old patterns depending on the degree of sadness and pain. The video was such a helpful reminder. Beautifully done. Thank you
TINA LEVIN, Social Work, Silver Spring, MD, USAsays
I know how to sit with the sadness of loss. But it’s just so hard, and so sad. I have to take breaks to distract myself before I can go back to sitting with it again.
Thank you, Tara, for your presence.
DONNA GARCIA-DEVLIN, Counseling, Corpus Christi, TX, USAsays
This video reminded me to better assist clients experiencing grief by having them
utilize pausing, sitting with them in the grief by first going within, cleansing breaths.
Sonja (Sophia) Remmen, Coach, San Diego, CA, USAsays
Thank you Tara! I love your words of love & wisdom! A wonderful reminder to go back to our Mindfulness Practice & pause & breathe to bring us back to the Present. We are not our thoughts or our past or our losses but we can allow ourselves to feel the loss & even appreciate & learn from our losses letting go so we can live fully today! Thank you
Metta
Sonja
I get caught of in a story of “shoulds”- that are not aligned with what actually is happening…that is my denial or busy-ness habit that keeps me separate from grief, acceptance and gratitude; and holds me back from living in the infinite possibilities before me.
My beloved older brother declared estrangement from me 3 years ago after our mother’s passing, ostensibly due to financial errors w her estate, but logically, there must be more to it. He and I, I know, have been close for over 60 years. First, I buried my grief under righteous anger, which also buried precious memories of our shared adventures. So painful. Now, thru focused breathing/ meditation, lots of nature and movement, music, trying to be present with an open heart, and frequent gratitude checks, I can smile thru tears with memories of the crazy times we had together. I treasure those tears- feel closer to my truth. I can more often accept loving him, and myself, with our flaws, and without expectations for reconciliation. Painful and still open to miracles. Heartfelt Thank you for this program- and for all these shares
I avoid feeling grief and loss by denying and isolating. Feelings of guilt, sadness, hopelessness, and anxiety have forced me to get help from support groups, classes with people going through similar situations, trying to change and disengage or detach with love from codependency, journaling, practicing mindfulness with breathing, surrounding myself with plants and flowers, listening more to others and being fully present.
Kathleen King, Teacher, Mt. Pleasant , SC, USAsays
My husband recently died and I have been attempting to deal with it. I usually meditate daily but was having difficulty keeping my mind calm so I took my mediation to the pool and would swim for up to an hour. I find the focus on the breath in the pool especially the exhale really helps calm me. I am now able to meditate again but in limited time segments. I have been focusing on kindness and compassion toward myself but it is a journey.
I am also a part of a dementia support group which is also a grief support group at this point. This is also helpful.
In my life I actually have steeped for many decades in grief and at the age of almost 72, I am finally becoming okay with it. For many years I have dealt with grief by telling everybody about my story and feelings. I hope as I learn to be okay with my grieve I am getting better at being with others in that space. (parental loss in preschool years)
Most men in our culture are taught to shut out all pain and negative emotions. That seems to be a barrier to healing through grief and loss.
We need to make this process more accessible and encourage the expression of sadness and loss so that it might be acknowledged.
Thank you for this program.
I retreat, and numb by eating, scrolling social media and watching YouTube videos. Recently, I began journaling and making an intention to meditate more regularly. Sitting with feelings has helped.
I handle grief through different ways, depending on why I am grieving. Sometimes I use humor, sometimes I accept it and work through it with the help of doctors and PT. Right now I am looking at my blessings and find gratitude in what I can do as opposed to what I cannot do.
This is all very well said. Thank you so much. As a long time meditator, when my dear partner Lori passed away a few months ago, I deeply felt that I must face and experience the grief. In some ways, this has been a solitary journey, since so many of my friends and family advised keeping busy, or themselves wanted to ignore grief’s reality. I feel a little bit like an explorer – experiencing deeply a world that few of us want to know, but which clearly holds so much potential blessing both for ourselves and for others, that it feels like a deep duty to be present with it.
Loving wishes,
Leon
– Staying busy, which spans a vast area: cook, clean, fix, upgrade – it’s endless.
– Depression, perseveration over small things, which amplifies my grief and fear.
– Hiding/retreating. When I encounter something that brings me closer to the loss, I slip into a hiding mode- shut down, don’t talk much, defensiveness, upset.
Michelle Rudnitski, Another Field, Stillwater, MN, USAsays
I’ve become angry and irritable, defensive, and afraid to trust, both myself and others. I try to stay busy, or numb myself. I feel distant and alone, my body hurts and I avoid connection because I feel tired and weary, like a burden. I blame myself and others. I have experienced debilitating anxiety. I put on headphones and shut the world out, get lost in fantasy or the comfort of someone else’s voice.
I have used all of the methods you mentioned to avoid grief including busyness, distraction, care-taking of others, anger, blame (self and others), addiction/ numbing, and depression/withdrawal. I believe that there is a lesson to be learned if we can let the pain transform and inform us.
In my most recent loss, one that has really shook me, I have used distraction, numbing, and blame/self hatred-tools that I’m keenly aware of that are not helpful in the long run. Accepting and being with what arises, with a sense of curiosity, has been one of the most impactful things I’ve learned from Tara and her teachings. Going forward I’m going to channel that as much as I possibly can. Just yesterday, on a Zoom with Tara and hundreds of others she said something that resonated deeply with me…”Inside grief is love”. There’s a peace that brings.
I am SO happy to have seen this video at this time. I am working with a client who has tremendous anxiety and depression. They are working many hours a week to “keep busy.” I am using positive thinking methods & mindfulness with this individual. This video has provided me with some verbiage that I hope will help this client to move through current grief, as well as past traumas. Thank you very much for sharing this resource!
would like help false accusations hit and spread to other clients. also how to stabilize them in moving locations when extreme OCD happens and fear triggers all their parts.
“Everything you love you will eventually loose.”
This story touches me deeply! My loss is probably more about loosing my ideals of what I thought the relationship was as much as the relationship itself.
Thank you!
Ruth
As a clinician, when I lost my husband suddenly, I knew I had to face the pain of his loss before I could move forward. I listened to my body and I stayed quiet on weekends, worked during the week. I found yoga at the beach and felt connection to nature and others. It kept me calm. Friends were a source of comfort but I didn’t want to overwhelm. Journaling was an outlet for my grief too.
Maria Rivera, Counseling, West New York, NJ, USAsays
Loosing my brother, sister in-law, then the distancing of my only niece and oldest daughter was devastating, because I assumed I will always have them and we would keep each others company.
Brian Carlton, Ed.D., LMFT. Bothell, WA. – In my practice of individual and family therapy over the past 35 years, I have experienced how difficult grief and loss is, particularly in the United States. Griief is an unpopular emotion and yet what you are saying, Tara, is so true and yet difficult. Leaning into loss and grief is difficult but very necessary for healing. The Buddha’s teaching that life is suffering starts with our human tendency toward attachment which is also necessary. I appreciate Tara, your mindful approach, addressing the core of the psyche. Thank you for sharing grief and loss as a cornerstone toward growth and healing.
I have been stifling the waves of grief by keeping my mind occupied, and when that becomes too hard, I bury myself in mindless activities to keep me moving. In fact, I often feel like I am in a race, pushing me physically to reach a state of exhaustion that will allow me to sleep through a night. And when that doesn’t work, I use alcohol and Advil PM. But I wake to do the race again the next morning. I find respite in listening to Tara, and minding her words, like “Tears are your friends”.
Substance abuse, eating or not eating, substituting another person in relationship for the person in the relationship that was lost, denial, acting strong, “I have to be strong for everyone else”.
push it away
refuse to talk about the grief
don’t want to cry
try to convince they’re “ok” or that they’ve ‘already dealt with it’
yes, push it away.. also realize no one cares or knows how to help.
I change the topic in my mind if that makes sense. I do other things to distract myself
Many of my clients avoid the grief of having basic childhood needs unmet, to the extent that they will tolerate unfufilling relationships rather than acknowledge their own reality as it actually was. They often have rose tinted glasses for how badly they suffered but will not hesitate to blame themselves for the systemic dysfunction.
This past January I lost my beloved husband to complications from Parkinson’s disease. For two his years, dementia got worse and worse.. I question the decisions I made in caring for him at home, and blame myself for my inability to know what was best for him. My heart tells me that I did the best I could, but self-doubt shows up again and again.
Although I am not a practitioner, I have offered help to others in similar situations when asked. Sharing what I’ve learned is helpful both for them and for me as I remember the impossible tasks of caring for someone who can’t really tell you what they need.
I’ve been avoiding dealing with it by keeping busy. But as each project completes, I fall into a blue state. Only when I stopped doing projects did I realize the expansive gap and grief I felt. Now I’m spiraling and found my way back to Tara Brach for guidance to get through.
I avoid grief by internalizing it, isolating, acting as if everything is fine. I’m afraid to express it for fear of being overwhelmed and not being able to control it.
As a bereavement counselor, I try to allow clients the space to process and explore their life with their loved one — so they can create a narrative that they can live with. We sit in discomfort, distress and uncertainty. Also connecting them to a larger community of some sort helps (support groups; exercise or hobby groups).
oops i might not have read the prompt closely enough. My clients avoid grief by distracting themselves with watching TV, sleeping or sometimes alcohol.
for 6 months I’ve been bedridden with 3 health conditions that converged at once just as I was starting a new practice as a grief counselor. I managed well using my practice to remain present but then my dearest friend of 38 years was murdered and then all the talk of the Epstein survivors reopened memories of my own abuse by my father and my family turning away from me. I realized I am using depression, a default for me, to shut down my painful feelings of loss.
My Husband passed away suddenly nearly six months ago, my grief has been the hardest thing that I have ever gone through. The shock and horror of his passing leave me angry at the medical community, but also very thankful for their help. I am conflicted obviously. He died a very painful death that left the family reeling, I feel that we had a form of PTSD.
Confusion, I’ve made a lot of mistakes, my mind doesn’t work the way it used to. Pure heartbreak unable to stop the tears. Acceptance is coming slowly as time goes by but I still wait for him to enter a room, and life be back where it was. I’m now able to travel to see family and look forward to finding hope in the future.
I turn to sweets and alcohol.
Well done and with a lot of compassion with regard to previous losses (i.e., family members, friends, animals, employment, parts of myself as I age, etc.). Thanks for the video and allowing me to uncover my avoidance techniques. Better to learn to embrace it and realize that changes occur and loss/grief is part of living fully. Ronald Klein/Psychologist
WE are one, WE. All life goes through me, as one. Their joy or pain is part of me as one. For those who love with their hearts, instead of their eyes, there is no such thing as goodbyes. WE live as if WE never die, and die as if WE never lived filled with so much regrets in our last breath before we transition. WE must elevate to the next dimension to reach our true selves, and be enlighten to our oneness. WE must rise to our life force within and understand our last breath in this dimension is our first breath in our next reality, but this reality must be felt deeply before we transition. Fluidity creates the possibilities that awaits US. Stuckness leaves US in limbo and confusion of who WE are. WE are ONE
I’ve avoided grief through distraction, by staying busy and/or numbing out staring at the tv but digesting little if any of what I was “watching”. Practicing meditation and mindfulness has always helped me to find clarity and acceptance of the regrets and sadness surrounding grief. Thank you, Tara, for these beautiful insights as to why it has helped. 💚✨
Grief and loss seems to keep coming. Lost my son in 2015 from a sudden car crash.
Lost my marriage and job in 2022.
Lost my brother-in-law this year to a horrible accident.
Once I have somewhat processed one grief it seems another is around the corner and the process is new and repeated but not in the same way.
Grief never leaves the body.
It seems cyclical and exhausting and have not found this renewed or deeper connection to myself and others that others seem to have – because of the losses.
All this compassion that arises.
I feel only more estranged from dysfunctional family and isolated and find it difficult to express my feelings and needs as this seems to be a required part of the grieving process?
What I see in some clients is self blame… lots of if only I… and I see it in myself too. There is a tendency to find fault, perhaps mirroring childhood experiences with parents, rather than holding a gentle caring presence for the losses. I also see the “keeping “ busy defense against pain which is supported by our culture. Meditation has been a life line for me to sit with and pause and notice what I’m feeling with an open heart. I find it so helpful but can slip back to old patterns depending on the degree of sadness and pain. The video was such a helpful reminder. Beautifully done. Thank you
I know how to sit with the sadness of loss. But it’s just so hard, and so sad. I have to take breaks to distract myself before I can go back to sitting with it again.
Thank you, Tara, for your presence.
Staying busy with cleaning and errands and avoiding that there is even grief or a loss.
This video reminded me to better assist clients experiencing grief by having them
utilize pausing, sitting with them in the grief by first going within, cleansing breaths.
Avoidance and depression
Thank you Tara! I love your words of love & wisdom! A wonderful reminder to go back to our Mindfulness Practice & pause & breathe to bring us back to the Present. We are not our thoughts or our past or our losses but we can allow ourselves to feel the loss & even appreciate & learn from our losses letting go so we can live fully today! Thank you
Metta
Sonja
Avoidance
I get caught of in a story of “shoulds”- that are not aligned with what actually is happening…that is my denial or busy-ness habit that keeps me separate from grief, acceptance and gratitude; and holds me back from living in the infinite possibilities before me.
My beloved older brother declared estrangement from me 3 years ago after our mother’s passing, ostensibly due to financial errors w her estate, but logically, there must be more to it. He and I, I know, have been close for over 60 years. First, I buried my grief under righteous anger, which also buried precious memories of our shared adventures. So painful. Now, thru focused breathing/ meditation, lots of nature and movement, music, trying to be present with an open heart, and frequent gratitude checks, I can smile thru tears with memories of the crazy times we had together. I treasure those tears- feel closer to my truth. I can more often accept loving him, and myself, with our flaws, and without expectations for reconciliation. Painful and still open to miracles. Heartfelt Thank you for this program- and for all these shares
I avoid feeling grief and loss by denying and isolating. Feelings of guilt, sadness, hopelessness, and anxiety have forced me to get help from support groups, classes with people going through similar situations, trying to change and disengage or detach with love from codependency, journaling, practicing mindfulness with breathing, surrounding myself with plants and flowers, listening more to others and being fully present.
My husband recently died and I have been attempting to deal with it. I usually meditate daily but was having difficulty keeping my mind calm so I took my mediation to the pool and would swim for up to an hour. I find the focus on the breath in the pool especially the exhale really helps calm me. I am now able to meditate again but in limited time segments. I have been focusing on kindness and compassion toward myself but it is a journey.
I am also a part of a dementia support group which is also a grief support group at this point. This is also helpful.
In my life I actually have steeped for many decades in grief and at the age of almost 72, I am finally becoming okay with it. For many years I have dealt with grief by telling everybody about my story and feelings. I hope as I learn to be okay with my grieve I am getting better at being with others in that space. (parental loss in preschool years)
Most men in our culture are taught to shut out all pain and negative emotions. That seems to be a barrier to healing through grief and loss.
We need to make this process more accessible and encourage the expression of sadness and loss so that it might be acknowledged.
Thank you for this program.
I retreat, and numb by eating, scrolling social media and watching YouTube videos. Recently, I began journaling and making an intention to meditate more regularly. Sitting with feelings has helped.
Watching TV. Taking too many trips. Trying to absorb themselves in other peoples problems.
I handle grief through different ways, depending on why I am grieving. Sometimes I use humor, sometimes I accept it and work through it with the help of doctors and PT. Right now I am looking at my blessings and find gratitude in what I can do as opposed to what I cannot do.
This is all very well said. Thank you so much. As a long time meditator, when my dear partner Lori passed away a few months ago, I deeply felt that I must face and experience the grief. In some ways, this has been a solitary journey, since so many of my friends and family advised keeping busy, or themselves wanted to ignore grief’s reality. I feel a little bit like an explorer – experiencing deeply a world that few of us want to know, but which clearly holds so much potential blessing both for ourselves and for others, that it feels like a deep duty to be present with it.
Loving wishes,
Leon
Busying and burying (attempting to minimize/ignore)
– Staying busy, which spans a vast area: cook, clean, fix, upgrade – it’s endless.
– Depression, perseveration over small things, which amplifies my grief and fear.
– Hiding/retreating. When I encounter something that brings me closer to the loss, I slip into a hiding mode- shut down, don’t talk much, defensiveness, upset.
Scrolling on social media
I’ve become angry and irritable, defensive, and afraid to trust, both myself and others. I try to stay busy, or numb myself. I feel distant and alone, my body hurts and I avoid connection because I feel tired and weary, like a burden. I blame myself and others. I have experienced debilitating anxiety. I put on headphones and shut the world out, get lost in fantasy or the comfort of someone else’s voice.
I have used all of the methods you mentioned to avoid grief including busyness, distraction, care-taking of others, anger, blame (self and others), addiction/ numbing, and depression/withdrawal. I believe that there is a lesson to be learned if we can let the pain transform and inform us.
In my most recent loss, one that has really shook me, I have used distraction, numbing, and blame/self hatred-tools that I’m keenly aware of that are not helpful in the long run. Accepting and being with what arises, with a sense of curiosity, has been one of the most impactful things I’ve learned from Tara and her teachings. Going forward I’m going to channel that as much as I possibly can. Just yesterday, on a Zoom with Tara and hundreds of others she said something that resonated deeply with me…”Inside grief is love”. There’s a peace that brings.
Thank you Tara.
cleaning up the house
I am SO happy to have seen this video at this time. I am working with a client who has tremendous anxiety and depression. They are working many hours a week to “keep busy.” I am using positive thinking methods & mindfulness with this individual. This video has provided me with some verbiage that I hope will help this client to move through current grief, as well as past traumas. Thank you very much for sharing this resource!
would like help false accusations hit and spread to other clients. also how to stabilize them in moving locations when extreme OCD happens and fear triggers all their parts.
“Everything you love you will eventually loose.”
This story touches me deeply! My loss is probably more about loosing my ideals of what I thought the relationship was as much as the relationship itself.
Thank you!
Ruth
BUSYNESS AND HELPING EVERYONE ELSE
As a clinician, when I lost my husband suddenly, I knew I had to face the pain of his loss before I could move forward. I listened to my body and I stayed quiet on weekends, worked during the week. I found yoga at the beach and felt connection to nature and others. It kept me calm. Friends were a source of comfort but I didn’t want to overwhelm. Journaling was an outlet for my grief too.
Loosing my brother, sister in-law, then the distancing of my only niece and oldest daughter was devastating, because I assumed I will always have them and we would keep each others company.
Me too!
“I assumed I will always have them and we would keep each others company.”
Avoiding grief by busying oneself. Thinking that keeping busy will be the way ‘to get through this time’.
Ignoring and minimizing their emotions and body sensations.
Clients can avoid their grief by focusing on others’ needs and taking care of others.
I work with clients who avoid grief through staying busy and working to excess.
I avoid grief by burning myself in work
Brian Carlton, Ed.D., LMFT. Bothell, WA. – In my practice of individual and family therapy over the past 35 years, I have experienced how difficult grief and loss is, particularly in the United States. Griief is an unpopular emotion and yet what you are saying, Tara, is so true and yet difficult. Leaning into loss and grief is difficult but very necessary for healing. The Buddha’s teaching that life is suffering starts with our human tendency toward attachment which is also necessary. I appreciate Tara, your mindful approach, addressing the core of the psyche. Thank you for sharing grief and loss as a cornerstone toward growth and healing.