I come from a narcissistic violent childhood, enough to make you want to hide, I was also the scapegoat so I never got it right & felt isolated from 5 siblings & parents as they were in the knot of this pattern being enablers & narcissists. I am also dyslexics so in trouble at school as well, totally lost but luckily i was friendly so I had friends but felt deep shame fior being such a failure so no deep friendships. I then developed an aggressive spinal condition at 12, puberty. years of horrible treatments & spinal surgery which my father made me feel very ashamed about. I worked hard on the farm even though it was so painful. all through my medical stuff I never received a huge & support from anyone. I longed for mums love but she’d had to distance herself from the scapegoat to keep safe. I was quietly suicidal & hoped for freedom from this life but made it to 18 when I could leave home. somehow all through my life my resilience & sence of opportunity got me through. I even went to TAFE & university to study art & that was a wonderful place so the opposite to my home & school experience. but I lacked confidence so all the opportunities the lecturers offered me I couldn’t live up to. but art has been steadfast in my life from 30 onwards. self sabotage has been holding me back. I’m 61 & don’t have kids as I had violent relationships I didn’t want a child to suffer through & felt I’d let them down with my health limits. I look normal on the outside & people say I look well & happy but I’ve been so alone with all my secrets. I am steadily growing a couple of friendships I’m single these last 20 yrs & been learning how to heal through self help books since forever & wonderful videos like yours Tara & mindfulness meditation & spiritualism. it’s been a great & hard journey slowly feeling better as I keep my life stable steady & safe now but I’m so alone as I get older as my siblings & aren’t healthy to have much contact with & my 2 friends have family lives of their own. I really hope to learn how to have stable healthy relationships in my home life. Lots of hiding & healing here💁♀️💞
I find it hard I often keep it in I feel that I ante worth it I found it hard to even love some one amined feeling love it to myself in fact that I feel anything I am married but life is not great it gets a bit fort at times and when we get flustered with each other for me I just don’t want to be hear I feel like I can’t do anything right and I am a nobody I feel so bad abut myself it would be nice for me not to be for my family then to see me hitting myself and shouting at myself and my family to see and hear this from. Me this as been going on over a year now I have ateped to take my life 9 months ago but I still don’t understand why I can’t feel anything for me it’s like I don’t have love for myself or feel I am worth anything I go about day to day not feeling any thing good about myself just how I feel I just can’t do anything right
I don’t think I hide anything from my partner or others, as I am perfectly aware that human beings are imperfect and I have faults, intentionally or unintentionally, like others. I think this human condition has to be accepted.
Great information! I find people should be honest and open about who they are and it becomes easier to be vulnerable in relationships. However, not everyone lives with that in mind. Many sabotage relationships or pre-judging those that are close to them which stems from insecure attachment and past experiences.
I realize that my insecurities cause me to retreat from situations snd people for fear of not being likes, being rejected. I close myself off. The insecurities are around not being smart enough, being introverted, suffering from chronic clinical depression. Fear of abandonment and rejection are very deeply imbedded for me.
Brenda Hardiman, Another Field, Aliso Viejo, CA, USAsays
Thank you so much for sharing your insight with us. I have been a Buddhist practitioner for years and it is wonderful to still be able to learn how to be more aware of our thoughts and how to use them as tools rather than punishments.
I have always believed that if people knew me they wouldnt like me. I have been disconnected all my life. I never felt I had the power to change my situation. With this awareness, I believe I can make a difference. thankyou
It drives a wedge between my partner and I because I put up a wall and hide so I can self sooth through it to prove my independence. My partner is supportive but also gets upset when I push him away because all he wants to do is care for me and get to know me at the deepest level.
Hiding what I don’t like about myself, gives me tremendous anxiety and I act in ways that distance people from me. I feel jealousy and envy because I don’t feel like I have anything to offer and say things that are not open or very kind.
The world would be a better place if we all could bring up more empathy for each other. Interestingly it starts by more self compassion to begin with. What a great insight, message and intervention. Please keep these video’s available.
The interesting thing is that most people feel this unworthiness to some degree. Then try to hmask it, thinking they are the only one who feels this way. The games people play!
I’m super critical of myself due to holding onto mistakes made in my past and also behaviours that don’t serve me but I utilise as a coping mechanism. Something I’ve been trying to accept and move through.
It is hard for me to identify one thing about myself. I think it is just overall fear of not being good enough, or not being able to fit in with a specific group.
Thank you so much for sharing this. So interesting and just right. I really got some good insight and learned a lot. / Gunilla Richardson Stockholm Sweden
Thankyou this is so helpful in letting go of judging and criticising myself if I don’t feel brave enough due to anxiety stopping me from doing something
my need for ‘something’ to help me relax or to feel comfortable. Often a drink does the job, not a big binge drinker at all but that pull to have a couple can be strong and I’m ashamed of it.
So incredibly enlightening Tara thank you. Especially recognising the connection between our core beliefs and how they impact our perception of others.
I am a guarded person until I can feel out someone elses beliefs. I am not honest with someone right away when first meeting them because I am protecting myself from harm.
I would say that, as a gay woman I feel afraid of judgement, yet I am judging myself. How to be OK with who I am 100% of the time, not be ashamed or have internal homophobia whould be really nice.
My personal experience, it’s how big and ugly I feel I have become. I find it hard to trust people. I have witnessed being judged my whole life so I don’t feel I can be authentic. I prefer to hide away and not let people get close because I have shame of my current weight and appearance and barely trust anyone, which is very sad. The judgement is from childhood to now. Family and what I thought were friends. I always hear the comments about my weight and what I should be doing about it. And that the weight gain all stemmed from when I moved to the States from the UK. I am working on this and feel I have been closer to loving myself. I’m still in hiding though and I am still struggling with my weight.
When I have felt like I need to hide who I truly am with others, then I am not being true to myself. This is something I have been working on as I realize that a lot of feelings that surround not being accepted, and self judgement are about not feeling loved. Self-love and self-acceptance have been a work in progress as I remind myself: ” To thine own self be true.”
Margaret Meinecke, Social Work, LITTLETON, CO, USAsays
Many like me are taught to think more of others than of ourselves and it works against our authentic self-acceptance and complicates emotional vulnerability, for sure! In the words of Maya Angelou: “….when you know better, do better.” In this we can change our lens on personal value and worthiness.
Perfectionism! Oy. This hit me like a ton of bricks. I’m still thinking about my answer to the question…What do you most judge about yourself? How does hiding myself impact my relationships?
I was raised to be ‘nice’ and ‘good’ and spent a lot of energy focused on feeling responsible for others happiness. My core message that has come up was that I don’t matter, I am not enough…and ‘being liked’ was my unhealthy focus, with poor boundaries around having my voice heard, or fear of being judged by others. Hiding who I was until I felt safe was a pattern established, over giving, over functioning and not aware of the beliefs and motivation behind it.
Courses like Tara’s and Feminine Power have helped me immensely to bring joy back into my life, self love and permission to be ‘Me’ , just as I am – at 73! Still learning.
April King, Marriage/Family Therapy, Bakersfield, CA, USAsays
It makes them believe their true/authentic self is not worthy — it reinforces the masking behavior is necessary to be accepted. In some ways, the client will begin to believe they are their mask and experience the painful friction of incongruence in the relational field — causing them to avoid them all together.
Beautifully done as always. A generous and meaningful offering, thank you so much. Personally, I find the music in the background to be distracting, Just offering as feedback.
I’m a Clinical Sexologist & Intimacy Coach, and I use Mindful Self Compassion practices for myself and for my clients frequently. It’s so important, as sexuality is an area so heavy on shame & “the trance of unworthiness” so much of the time. I’m a big fan of Tara Brach! Thank you!
As a physician myself, I really appreciate how you shared this example/story about divorce and brought out the importance of identifying the key/core issues that we all have. Insecurity, fear of being vulnerable? I will use these questions with my loved ones and my coaching clients. Thank you, Tara, you continue to inspire me to look deep into myself and help others to do the same.
The element of secretive behavior when relating to another blocks true relationship with the other, and yourself. There’s no room for coming together in some relativity between two persons when you are so busy hiding the shame you feel about something in yourself. You are too busy running reels of cover up in your head for any kind of real connection, as you mentioned in this talk. I can relate on so many levels, especially when I feel judged by others, and ultimately myself.
When I hide who I am, I can see that I live a much smaller, fear-filled, judgement-filled (both self-judgement and judgement of others) life; my heart is not open in the way I want it to be both for myself and toward others. And that contributes to relational difficulties, keeping me small and living a less meaningful life.
Hi Tara: Covering up! OMG..can I relate to that.
I did it for years from feelings of inadequacy and powerlessness. I was a performer..being the ” nicest” person around meant no one was going to challenge me..but when shamed and berated I had no sense of personal worth. I was the victim. I also compensated by making the perceived attackers into unapproachable nasty people…not a truth as I discovered.
I love how you show that this compensation drives us away from people.
Thank you.
Julie A Farnam, Social Work, Summerville, OR, USAsays
Sometimes you know very well what you don’t like about yourself. And you have shared it. And others don’t have the energy to hear it or respond. They seem to need you to be stronger than that.
I come from a narcissistic violent childhood, enough to make you want to hide, I was also the scapegoat so I never got it right & felt isolated from 5 siblings & parents as they were in the knot of this pattern being enablers & narcissists. I am also dyslexics so in trouble at school as well, totally lost but luckily i was friendly so I had friends but felt deep shame fior being such a failure so no deep friendships. I then developed an aggressive spinal condition at 12, puberty. years of horrible treatments & spinal surgery which my father made me feel very ashamed about. I worked hard on the farm even though it was so painful. all through my medical stuff I never received a huge & support from anyone. I longed for mums love but she’d had to distance herself from the scapegoat to keep safe. I was quietly suicidal & hoped for freedom from this life but made it to 18 when I could leave home. somehow all through my life my resilience & sence of opportunity got me through. I even went to TAFE & university to study art & that was a wonderful place so the opposite to my home & school experience. but I lacked confidence so all the opportunities the lecturers offered me I couldn’t live up to. but art has been steadfast in my life from 30 onwards. self sabotage has been holding me back. I’m 61 & don’t have kids as I had violent relationships I didn’t want a child to suffer through & felt I’d let them down with my health limits. I look normal on the outside & people say I look well & happy but I’ve been so alone with all my secrets. I am steadily growing a couple of friendships I’m single these last 20 yrs & been learning how to heal through self help books since forever & wonderful videos like yours Tara & mindfulness meditation & spiritualism. it’s been a great & hard journey slowly feeling better as I keep my life stable steady & safe now but I’m so alone as I get older as my siblings & aren’t healthy to have much contact with & my 2 friends have family lives of their own. I really hope to learn how to have stable healthy relationships in my home life. Lots of hiding & healing here💁♀️💞
I find it hard I often keep it in I feel that I ante worth it I found it hard to even love some one amined feeling love it to myself in fact that I feel anything I am married but life is not great it gets a bit fort at times and when we get flustered with each other for me I just don’t want to be hear I feel like I can’t do anything right and I am a nobody I feel so bad abut myself it would be nice for me not to be for my family then to see me hitting myself and shouting at myself and my family to see and hear this from. Me this as been going on over a year now I have ateped to take my life 9 months ago but I still don’t understand why I can’t feel anything for me it’s like I don’t have love for myself or feel I am worth anything I go about day to day not feeling any thing good about myself just how I feel I just can’t do anything right
I don’t think I hide anything from my partner or others, as I am perfectly aware that human beings are imperfect and I have faults, intentionally or unintentionally, like others. I think this human condition has to be accepted.
Great information! I find people should be honest and open about who they are and it becomes easier to be vulnerable in relationships. However, not everyone lives with that in mind. Many sabotage relationships or pre-judging those that are close to them which stems from insecure attachment and past experiences.
I realize that my insecurities cause me to retreat from situations snd people for fear of not being likes, being rejected. I close myself off. The insecurities are around not being smart enough, being introverted, suffering from chronic clinical depression. Fear of abandonment and rejection are very deeply imbedded for me.
I don’t have to risk rejection or being hurt, which keeps relationships from becoming intimate or possibly ending.
I lose the chance to be vulnerable, which could be the honest thing to be
Thank you so much for sharing your insight with us. I have been a Buddhist practitioner for years and it is wonderful to still be able to learn how to be more aware of our thoughts and how to use them as tools rather than punishments.
I have always believed that if people knew me they wouldnt like me. I have been disconnected all my life. I never felt I had the power to change my situation. With this awareness, I believe I can make a difference. thankyou
It drives a wedge between my partner and I because I put up a wall and hide so I can self sooth through it to prove my independence. My partner is supportive but also gets upset when I push him away because all he wants to do is care for me and get to know me at the deepest level.
The shield of protection becomes the barrier to connection
Hiding what I don’t like about myself, gives me tremendous anxiety and I act in ways that distance people from me. I feel jealousy and envy because I don’t feel like I have anything to offer and say things that are not open or very kind.
I don’t want to disclose how ‘financially poor’ we were growing up & ‘pretend’ I can mix with the best if the opportunity arises.
The world would be a better place if we all could bring up more empathy for each other. Interestingly it starts by more self compassion to begin with. What a great insight, message and intervention. Please keep these video’s available.
Not measuring up to the way I think I should be, not being ‘good enough’
The interesting thing is that most people feel this unworthiness to some degree. Then try to hmask it, thinking they are the only one who feels this way. The games people play!
Excellent insights in a very simple way to understand
I’m super critical of myself due to holding onto mistakes made in my past and also behaviours that don’t serve me but I utilise as a coping mechanism. Something I’ve been trying to accept and move through.
It is hard for me to identify one thing about myself. I think it is just overall fear of not being good enough, or not being able to fit in with a specific group.
I thought the questions to ask clients made sense and are really good to begin the discussion in a gentle, non threatening way.
I also thought the issue around criticism and contempt and this being difficult if we feel good about ourselves was very helpful.
Thank you so much for sharing this. So interesting and just right. I really got some good insight and learned a lot. / Gunilla Richardson Stockholm Sweden
Thank you for all you do
Thankyou this is so helpful in letting go of judging and criticising myself if I don’t feel brave enough due to anxiety stopping me from doing something
It’s fitting in but not belonging, hiding one’s vulnerability leaves me covered from others really seeing me and me being me and being seen
Overrides closeness and the opportunity for other to validate your experience and closeness
my need for ‘something’ to help me relax or to feel comfortable. Often a drink does the job, not a big binge drinker at all but that pull to have a couple can be strong and I’m ashamed of it.
I know what that’s like ❤️🩹
So incredibly enlightening Tara thank you. Especially recognising the connection between our core beliefs and how they impact our perception of others.
-Distance myself
Act like everything’s okay
Hold things inside
Easy to judge others because of how I judge myself
This could be transformative. I wish l had that insight decades ago. Thank you.
I am a guarded person until I can feel out someone elses beliefs. I am not honest with someone right away when first meeting them because I am protecting myself from harm.
I would say that, as a gay woman I feel afraid of judgement, yet I am judging myself. How to be OK with who I am 100% of the time, not be ashamed or have internal homophobia whould be really nice.
This is very helpful for me as well as my clients… thank you
Hiding what I don’t like about myself leads to distrust of others and a lack of closeness and true friendship.
My personal experience, it’s how big and ugly I feel I have become. I find it hard to trust people. I have witnessed being judged my whole life so I don’t feel I can be authentic. I prefer to hide away and not let people get close because I have shame of my current weight and appearance and barely trust anyone, which is very sad. The judgement is from childhood to now. Family and what I thought were friends. I always hear the comments about my weight and what I should be doing about it. And that the weight gain all stemmed from when I moved to the States from the UK. I am working on this and feel I have been closer to loving myself. I’m still in hiding though and I am still struggling with my weight.
When I have felt like I need to hide who I truly am with others, then I am not being true to myself. This is something I have been working on as I realize that a lot of feelings that surround not being accepted, and self judgement are about not feeling loved. Self-love and self-acceptance have been a work in progress as I remind myself: ” To thine own self be true.”
Many like me are taught to think more of others than of ourselves and it works against our authentic self-acceptance and complicates emotional vulnerability, for sure! In the words of Maya Angelou: “….when you know better, do better.” In this we can change our lens on personal value and worthiness.
Perfectionism! Oy. This hit me like a ton of bricks. I’m still thinking about my answer to the question…What do you most judge about yourself? How does hiding myself impact my relationships?
I was raised to be ‘nice’ and ‘good’ and spent a lot of energy focused on feeling responsible for others happiness. My core message that has come up was that I don’t matter, I am not enough…and ‘being liked’ was my unhealthy focus, with poor boundaries around having my voice heard, or fear of being judged by others. Hiding who I was until I felt safe was a pattern established, over giving, over functioning and not aware of the beliefs and motivation behind it.
Courses like Tara’s and Feminine Power have helped me immensely to bring joy back into my life, self love and permission to be ‘Me’ , just as I am – at 73! Still learning.
It makes them believe their true/authentic self is not worthy — it reinforces the masking behavior is necessary to be accepted. In some ways, the client will begin to believe they are their mask and experience the painful friction of incongruence in the relational field — causing them to avoid them all together.
Found this to be very enlightening
It makes me reluctant to join in with others incase they see that I am not bright enough to have their company.
It creates space between us, inhibits closeness and intimacy, and ultimately makes the relationship feel unfulfilling.
Beautifully done as always. A generous and meaningful offering, thank you so much. Personally, I find the music in the background to be distracting, Just offering as feedback.
I’m a Clinical Sexologist & Intimacy Coach, and I use Mindful Self Compassion practices for myself and for my clients frequently. It’s so important, as sexuality is an area so heavy on shame & “the trance of unworthiness” so much of the time. I’m a big fan of Tara Brach! Thank you!
Beautifully crafted as always, thank you Tara.
As a physician myself, I really appreciate how you shared this example/story about divorce and brought out the importance of identifying the key/core issues that we all have. Insecurity, fear of being vulnerable? I will use these questions with my loved ones and my coaching clients. Thank you, Tara, you continue to inspire me to look deep into myself and help others to do the same.
The element of secretive behavior when relating to another blocks true relationship with the other, and yourself. There’s no room for coming together in some relativity between two persons when you are so busy hiding the shame you feel about something in yourself. You are too busy running reels of cover up in your head for any kind of real connection, as you mentioned in this talk. I can relate on so many levels, especially when I feel judged by others, and ultimately myself.
Shame, fear of sharing of myself. I’m learning to work through all the layers of this. Thank you for the inspiration!
When I hide who I am, I can see that I live a much smaller, fear-filled, judgement-filled (both self-judgement and judgement of others) life; my heart is not open in the way I want it to be both for myself and toward others. And that contributes to relational difficulties, keeping me small and living a less meaningful life.
Hi Tara: Covering up! OMG..can I relate to that.
I did it for years from feelings of inadequacy and powerlessness. I was a performer..being the ” nicest” person around meant no one was going to challenge me..but when shamed and berated I had no sense of personal worth. I was the victim. I also compensated by making the perceived attackers into unapproachable nasty people…not a truth as I discovered.
I love how you show that this compensation drives us away from people.
Thank you.
I guess hiding in the first place is dishonest and not open?
Sometimes you know very well what you don’t like about yourself. And you have shared it. And others don’t have the energy to hear it or respond. They seem to need you to be stronger than that.