I think that at the base of all relationship there is forgiveness to be had, towards others and ourselves. It is in fact as you say, a training in self compassion and for my part I have to ”begin again and again” , pause and practice RAIN more often. Everyday. Not only when I am overwelmed by my thoughts or caught in self judgement.
The uncertainty about one’s self and the remnants of past experience make it very hard to trust others. I got very good at hiding to be safe. It’s taking a lot of work to move beyond this, and Tara’s pointing things out with clarity and simplicity helps.
surface deep relationships only and always on the defensive in case they are ‘found out’…creates avoidance or tension or both and always a sense of loneliness and that you are letting someone down but don’t really know why……
just to say although I am a healthcare practitioner, this was for me although its really not hard to shift the meaning to myself….
Others know you are hiding something and have trouble accepting you because they know they are not seeing the full, true you and are not sure whether you can be trusted
I recently ended a relationship when I discovered he’d received flowers from his ex girlfriend, but I stayed for several more months , only to discover more red flags and it left me feeling insecure and unwanted if he needed someone else. I already had fears around infidelity , the feeling of betrayal and loss of trust brought up a lot historical pain…particularly feeling unworthy, unloved, rejected
I simply feel that I don’t deserve to be loved after years of betrayals from my husband. Now we are old but still I hide my vulnerability because he says that I still blame him. So I feel guilty of not being still capable of forgiving him after so much time. Result: I am always defensive and reactive and I don’t feel loved, but I do not want love anymore, I just want to be understood in my pain. That would be enough.
I hide b/c I’m afraid of being judged or criticized. It causes me to be silent, to listen to others and to selectively comment instead of participating spontaneously in a conversation.
While I am aware of many insecurities that I hold and can be compassionate and understanding about them I would like to nurture this part of me more and become more free.
I used to share about myself (when I was in my 20s and 30s) but quit when I began noticing others’ discomfort when I did so. This video goes a long way toward explaining why people may have been uncomfortable.
Now in my 70s, I’m struggling with depression. For no apparent reason. That seems shameful. I have everything to be happy and grateful for.
Sherry, thank you for sharing. I am also in my 70’s, and oh my there is no reason to feel shame about feeling depressed when you have “everything to be happy and grateful for.” I am in the same boat, but suffice it to say… surviving over 70 years on it’s own can be reason to bring on depression! We’ve simply dealt with and survived alot, and even after the dust settles… it’s almost like latent PTSD to reach this age, and have want for nothing and… hmmmm… feel depressed? Yes, I get it on a very somatic, deep level. Please do not allow “shame” to enter the scenario. A Dr. friend of mine also shared that people often feel depressed as they age into their elder years. We need to be tender and accept this “part” of who we are in this last chapter. Make the best of it, surrendering to acceptance and self compassion. I wish all of us in “this boat” ease and light on our journey!
Hiding the fear from past trauma of losing my Dad to cancer when I was 15 cause me to try to control too much to protect myself from more loss and that keeps me from being really open and connected and ironically causes me more disconnection and loss in the present
Such a refreshing exploration – a reminder of the far reaching impacts of seemingly simple yet complex practices- very grateful for your energy around this Tara.
Thank You!!
I’m less than what I appear. I feel blank. Like I’m always faking it, never making it. Always trying, always having expectations, being aware of that and keeping expectations low but being disappointed anyway. Disappointed in others but also in myself. Because I have nothing to offer, nothing to say. I’m just a bunch of judgements and reactions who wants to be responsive and failing failing failing. I love my adult son and I feel his love for me but inside I’m blank, empty. I never know what to say or how to just BE. I’m not good enough. I’m mad as hell and I don’t know why exactly. Probably because I realize it’s about radical acceptance and I don’t want to accept!
Susan Laremore-DeLucca, Nursing, SCHENECTADY, NY, USAsays
Fear of rejection has kept me from being my genuine Self. I’ve become a people-pleaser trying to be the person I believe others want me to be. And thus attracting people who take advantage of that & never want to be close enough to learn who I really am. So, all of my relationships have been empty. Until the last few years since I decided to speak the truth of who I am. I’ve been pleasantly surprised that other people are attracted to me because they sense my authenticity.
I want everyone to like me, suffer from jealousy and if I’m jealous I will avoid the friend.
I’m judgy when down or under stress and I like well if they were real friends they would be in touch more to see if I am ok.
I sound anger so maybe I don’t want them to see my anger….
I find I don’t speak/express to my friend/companion what I truly appreciate about them. Explain why I enjoy having
as sharing my life’s moments with them. Creating space to share my thoughts aloud.”thanks for listening rattle on about my kid or husband or health concern. Namasttre to you Tara. I appreciate u being there as a soundboard in the middle of the nite.
Hiding my ‘true’ self has been something that has impacted my relationship with self and others my whole life. I lost my father suddenly at 10 years old and from that point on, I remember shutting down my emotional Power Panel and unconsciously pushing people away. I say now that I suffer from CSR, Chronic Self- Reliance, and that has cultivated a deep fear of vulnerability. Ironically, it is during the rare moments when I have felt vulnerable in relationships that I have felt the most connected to myself and to others, but that tendency to push others away is still active and very real. I end up feeling unauthentic and disconnected from others out of fear of intimacy.
I didn’t feel seen as a kid, and when a friend or lover “gets me”, I don’t want to jeapordize their positive view of me. But that isn’t sustainable 24/7!
When I hide what I do not like about myself I am starving my need to be seen and heard for who I am, as I am and what I am and hence affecting connection with myself and others as a result.
Tara you’re so beautiful!! It’s amazing how you describe what happens everywhere underneath. What stays unrecognized and causes more an more pain instead of connection an empathy.Thank´s for your being and sharing your kindness with the world!!!!! I am so grateful!!! Big Hug Tina
Other people are definitely a mirror for our own issues. I’ve learned that over the years, but this is a great reminder. There is always work to be done on ourselves to continue to try to be a better human. Thank you for doing this series. It may just be what I need in the relationships in my life right now.
My husband has died and I don’t have many opportunities at 81 for intimate relations with many people tho I can have them with my two sons and my daughter
I zm yk vulnerable, K trust too quickly, then land up beating myself up for failing anx not feeling good enough. I feel unworthy. I yhrn question why I cannot find a partner who will just love instead of finding all the negative aspects. relationships- intimate ones are do hard for me
Some act like they are less than others.
Some act like they are more than others.
Relationships suffer for all who are acting rather than being. Like a physical barrier, a protective distance is inserted into every relationship.
Not good enough. During my childhood I was subjected to too much criticism, not clever enough, failure academically and an unsuccessful child. Although I now realise they were the thoughts of parents, not reality, I still have these feelings when I attempt new or challenging projects.
impacts ability to feel connected
I think that at the base of all relationship there is forgiveness to be had, towards others and ourselves. It is in fact as you say, a training in self compassion and for my part I have to ”begin again and again” , pause and practice RAIN more often. Everyday. Not only when I am overwelmed by my thoughts or caught in self judgement.
I feel small and find it difficult to connect. I guess this makes great sense as I’m not connecting to self either.
I want to pull back
I’m not being my authentic self which in turn does not support real intimacy in relationships
Really enjoyed and gained a-lot through these short videos. I would love to learn more as these teachings really resonate within
Tara always delivers with insight & compassion
The uncertainty about one’s self and the remnants of past experience make it very hard to trust others. I got very good at hiding to be safe. It’s taking a lot of work to move beyond this, and Tara’s pointing things out with clarity and simplicity helps.
creates barrier to authenticity and connectedness
Thank you for the practical and helpful insight. It appears that self-acceptance is helped when an individual practices self-compassion. Thank you.
You are a blessing to me,
David Kohn
It doesn’t allow for honesty or vulnerability to be present in the relationship and can create division and conflict
I found the videos interesting. The “name it to tame it” process is well explained. Thanks for sharing your experience
Sasy
Great video. Thx.
The relationship is less than genuine and taints the quality of honesty.
It affects me to feel free and spontaneous to be in the moment, then I withdraw with a feeling of being judged.
Self judgement and insecurities
surface deep relationships only and always on the defensive in case they are ‘found out’…creates avoidance or tension or both and always a sense of loneliness and that you are letting someone down but don’t really know why……
just to say although I am a healthcare practitioner, this was for me although its really not hard to shift the meaning to myself….
It’s isolating and lonely. I feel like I’m pretending all the time.
💗🙏🏽💗
the way I interact with others reflects how I interact with myself. it starts with me accepting, loving and nourishing myself. I am worth it!
Others know you are hiding something and have trouble accepting you because they know they are not seeing the full, true you and are not sure whether you can be trusted
I recently ended a relationship when I discovered he’d received flowers from his ex girlfriend, but I stayed for several more months , only to discover more red flags and it left me feeling insecure and unwanted if he needed someone else. I already had fears around infidelity , the feeling of betrayal and loss of trust brought up a lot historical pain…particularly feeling unworthy, unloved, rejected
I simply feel that I don’t deserve to be loved after years of betrayals from my husband. Now we are old but still I hide my vulnerability because he says that I still blame him. So I feel guilty of not being still capable of forgiving him after so much time. Result: I am always defensive and reactive and I don’t feel loved, but I do not want love anymore, I just want to be understood in my pain. That would be enough.
I often feel like I’m a fake….going along to get along…and then issues build up and that’s real bad and unfortunate.
Thank you NICAMB and Tara Brach for this teaching 🙏🏼
I hide b/c I’m afraid of being judged or criticized. It causes me to be silent, to listen to others and to selectively comment instead of participating spontaneously in a conversation.
While I am aware of many insecurities that I hold and can be compassionate and understanding about them I would like to nurture this part of me more and become more free.
I used to share about myself (when I was in my 20s and 30s) but quit when I began noticing others’ discomfort when I did so. This video goes a long way toward explaining why people may have been uncomfortable.
Now in my 70s, I’m struggling with depression. For no apparent reason. That seems shameful. I have everything to be happy and grateful for.
Thank you. Your comments helped me sort this out.
Sherry, thank you for sharing. I am also in my 70’s, and oh my there is no reason to feel shame about feeling depressed when you have “everything to be happy and grateful for.” I am in the same boat, but suffice it to say… surviving over 70 years on it’s own can be reason to bring on depression! We’ve simply dealt with and survived alot, and even after the dust settles… it’s almost like latent PTSD to reach this age, and have want for nothing and… hmmmm… feel depressed? Yes, I get it on a very somatic, deep level. Please do not allow “shame” to enter the scenario. A Dr. friend of mine also shared that people often feel depressed as they age into their elder years. We need to be tender and accept this “part” of who we are in this last chapter. Make the best of it, surrendering to acceptance and self compassion. I wish all of us in “this boat” ease and light on our journey!
That’s a very good question I’ll ponder. Most likely created since childhood, feeling different & feeling I wasn’t good enough to be accepted.
I don’t like the fact that at times I am jealous in my friendships, which is hiding my insecurities
Hiding the fear from past trauma of losing my Dad to cancer when I was 15 cause me to try to control too much to protect myself from more loss and that keeps me from being really open and connected and ironically causes me more disconnection and loss in the present
Such a refreshing exploration – a reminder of the far reaching impacts of seemingly simple yet complex practices- very grateful for your energy around this Tara.
Thank You!!
I’m less than what I appear. I feel blank. Like I’m always faking it, never making it. Always trying, always having expectations, being aware of that and keeping expectations low but being disappointed anyway. Disappointed in others but also in myself. Because I have nothing to offer, nothing to say. I’m just a bunch of judgements and reactions who wants to be responsive and failing failing failing. I love my adult son and I feel his love for me but inside I’m blank, empty. I never know what to say or how to just BE. I’m not good enough. I’m mad as hell and I don’t know why exactly. Probably because I realize it’s about radical acceptance and I don’t want to accept!
They loose the connection to themselves and with that the authentic and true connection points to others.
Fear of rejection has kept me from being my genuine Self. I’ve become a people-pleaser trying to be the person I believe others want me to be. And thus attracting people who take advantage of that & never want to be close enough to learn who I really am. So, all of my relationships have been empty. Until the last few years since I decided to speak the truth of who I am. I’ve been pleasantly surprised that other people are attracted to me because they sense my authenticity.
Sometimes I am impatient so I don’t give the person/people I’m with the time, attention or space THEY need to express themselves.
I am breathing deeply, bringing my mind repeatedly to a quiet place.
I want everyone to like me, suffer from jealousy and if I’m jealous I will avoid the friend.
I’m judgy when down or under stress and I like well if they were real friends they would be in touch more to see if I am ok.
I sound anger so maybe I don’t want them to see my anger….
I find I don’t speak/express to my friend/companion what I truly appreciate about them. Explain why I enjoy having
as sharing my life’s moments with them. Creating space to share my thoughts aloud.”thanks for listening rattle on about my kid or husband or health concern. Namasttre to you Tara. I appreciate u being there as a soundboard in the middle of the nite.
Hiding my ‘true’ self has been something that has impacted my relationship with self and others my whole life. I lost my father suddenly at 10 years old and from that point on, I remember shutting down my emotional Power Panel and unconsciously pushing people away. I say now that I suffer from CSR, Chronic Self- Reliance, and that has cultivated a deep fear of vulnerability. Ironically, it is during the rare moments when I have felt vulnerable in relationships that I have felt the most connected to myself and to others, but that tendency to push others away is still active and very real. I end up feeling unauthentic and disconnected from others out of fear of intimacy.
Thank you teacher Tara, excellent talk. Lack of self confidence is fertile ground for growth of ego.
I didn’t feel seen as a kid, and when a friend or lover “gets me”, I don’t want to jeapordize their positive view of me. But that isn’t sustainable 24/7!
When I hide what I do not like about myself I am starving my need to be seen and heard for who I am, as I am and what I am and hence affecting connection with myself and others as a result.
Tara you’re so beautiful!! It’s amazing how you describe what happens everywhere underneath. What stays unrecognized and causes more an more pain instead of connection an empathy.Thank´s for your being and sharing your kindness with the world!!!!! I am so grateful!!! Big Hug Tina
Other people are definitely a mirror for our own issues. I’ve learned that over the years, but this is a great reminder. There is always work to be done on ourselves to continue to try to be a better human. Thank you for doing this series. It may just be what I need in the relationships in my life right now.
My husband has died and I don’t have many opportunities at 81 for intimate relations with many people tho I can have them with my two sons and my daughter
When I do that, others perceive me as angry
It leads me to avoid relationships.
I zm yk vulnerable, K trust too quickly, then land up beating myself up for failing anx not feeling good enough. I feel unworthy. I yhrn question why I cannot find a partner who will just love instead of finding all the negative aspects. relationships- intimate ones are do hard for me
Some act like they are less than others.
Some act like they are more than others.
Relationships suffer for all who are acting rather than being. Like a physical barrier, a protective distance is inserted into every relationship.
Feeling unlovable means I lash out in anger and frustration as deep down I feel sorry for myself and ache to be loved, yet I don’t let them near me.
Not good enough. During my childhood I was subjected to too much criticism, not clever enough, failure academically and an unsuccessful child. Although I now realise they were the thoughts of parents, not reality, I still have these feelings when I attempt new or challenging projects.