Romance can be incredibly rewarding and fulfilling, but for many people it can also be quite a challenge.
Beyond the normal hurdles of developing and sustaining relationships, recent research suggests that childhood abuse and neglect might make people more vulnerable to troubled romantic relationships in adulthood.
Professor Golan Shahar and Dana Lassri, of Ben-Gurion University of the Negev in Israel (BGU), conducted two studies with college students to see how early-life trauma and emotional abuse affect romantic relationships later in life.
Participants were asked to complete the Childhood Trauma Questionnaire to determine whether or not the participants had a history of Childhood Emotional Maltreatment (CEM).
Then, participants responded to questionnaires about both the quality of and their satisfaction with their current romantic relationship.
The researchers found a link between childhood emotional abuse and self-criticism, and a further link between childhood maltreatment, self-criticism, and dissatisfaction in romantic relationships.
Participants with a history of CEM tended to have low self-esteem and many also exhibited PTSD symptoms.
While many practitioners have already seen first-hand how unresolved childhood trauma can impact relationships throughout life, the key here is self-criticism.
It seems from this study that there’s a strong tendency to self-criticize in many people who’ve experienced CEM, and this is what leads to problems in intimate relationships.
This new connection between childhood trauma, self-criticism, and relationship problems may be a key factor in helping couples heal their relationship.
Please remember that because this is a non-randomized study with correlative findings, we have to be careful about the conclusions that we draw from it.
For the full story, you can check out the March issue of the Journal of Social & Clinical Psychology.
For practitioners, learning how to help trauma survivors connect with their loved ones is an important part of the healing process.
That’s why we created the Trauma Therapy Webinar Series – to share the wisdom of experts like Sue Johnson, EdD author of Hold Me Tight and Emotionally Focused Couple Therapy with Trauma Survivors.
This week, Sue will explain how we can use intimate relationships to treat trauma, the unique challenges and opportunities of couple therapy – and why the best place to heal from trauma could be in the arms of someone you love.
It’s free to listen to the webinar at the time of broadcast – here’s the link to sign up.
Have you ever met a patient whose trauma affected their romantic life? Please leave a comment below – we would love to hear what you think.
I can’t think of any of my clients who have suffered early emotional trauma that haven’t had difficulties in intimate relationships, I include myself. How can we relate normally when we have learnt fear and mistrust and that we are unimportant and unlovable from those who cared for us?
However, I remember reading about a study of people with early emotional trauma and how they coped with intimacy. The difference between the ones who had good relationships and those who didn’t was that the ones who did, as a child had one person who they trusted and to whom they could relate. I wonder too if keeping an important and guilty secret makes it difficult to trust another. That is so often part of the childhood experience.
Yes, I have dealt with ouples whose CEM is interfering with their relationships. Anything additional I can learn will be helpful. Unfortunately, I was unable to access the webinar last week. I hope to be able to access it this week. Please let me know how long the webinar lasts.
Thanks.
Karen Owen
The most common thread I see in my practice with clients who have had childhood trauma is their misconception of what love is. If love was not modelled between two loving parents and not demonstrated in early love relationships the client will have no point of reference to understand how to accept and show love in couple relationships. They will engage in all the maladaptive ways to attain that ‘feeling’ of love, but not know its true value and potential with a healthy partner.
Harville Hendrix asserted this some time ago, while this study is of interest and great affirmation, I am confused that Ruth is referring to the link as ‘new’.
Yes, me! i am fairly well adjusted in all aspects of my life except romantic relationships. When I attempt to date I experience a trauma reaction. Have done several sessions of EMDR and it did help but I still have not tackled this. Thank you for your site and good work. It’s extremely helpful.
Absolutely! I am working with a young woman currently who experienced neglect and maltreatment
as a child. Following sessions of EMDR, she is finding that she is much less reactive, calmer and that her husband is more responsive to her needs. Her traumatic experiences as a teenager had impacted their intimacy but we are clearing these too!
I would agree with Christine that most of us have had some distressing experiences from childhood that affect our adult relationships. Most people are unaware of these connections, and so as therapists, it is our job to educate individuals and couples.
The question might be better asked, “Have you ever seem someone w/ CEM that did NOT have a pattern or problematic experiences in adult romantic relationships? Individuals w/ CEM tend to have a patten of unknowingly or knowingly “look for love in all the wrong places”. The coping pattern that helped them survive CEM also contribute to finding and repeating some or much of the EM relationship in an adult form. Familiarity is a powerful, but often painful pattern!
I have to agree with you, Christine. Every client I have worked with w/CEM has had problematic relationships.
In my own life, I was the second youngest in a mixed family of 9. Beatings began when I was 5 (by my step brother, then by my parents) and continued until I left home at 16. I didn’t know what PTSD was…or that I was experiencing it. I jumped from one relationship to another, stretching each of them out for years, inviting violence, and creating co-dependencies and chaos. It was through Hypnotherapy that I was able to recognize and heal the subconscious decisions I made through my early (and later) traumas.
4 marriages and divorces plus 3 live-in relationships were my badges of my PTSD. It was through therapy, and learning to love and appreciate myself, and recognizing that I could, in fact, have a healthy relationship, that I attracted my 5th (and final) husband. He has helped me to heal further and learn what a healthy, loving and happy relationship is. 7 years success and (if we’re lucky) 40 to go! And, now, I am able to successfully work with women who have moved from childhood abuse/trauma into relationship abuse/trauma…it’s an amazing, loving, healing process.
I look forward to hearing what Sue Johnson has to share.
This information fits my personal experience very well. I had only the experience of emotional abuse, but I struggle with PTSD symptoms. My childhood relationships led me to deep feelings of inadequacy and a long term intimate relationship that has been confusing, challenging, and painful. I appreciate the confirmation of my experience.
As the third child and second son in a family of 7 children Idid not get the attentio and love aI neededAs a consequence I did not feel at home in that family. I realised this when I experienced a severe headtrauma when i wa 18 yers old. It was a contusio cerebri and I was in coma for almost 24 Hours.Druring college time I always elt rejected by female costudents and sufferered rom self hatred. I was afraid of intimate relationships with women , The on conditionally based relationship based ‘love’ from my mother repeated itself in my later relationships. I allways felt ‘uilty, not being sufficient for the love partner. This took two intimate relatonships. I only recognized the pattern when the last relationship was close to its end. I was not capable of rescing it anmore. So now I am tryint to healmyself as good as possible and hope to find a new rintimate elationship.